RedCandle

I tried spending a week with my RXABF (is that the right acronym?).

It was fun...and very stressful. I have not fully forgiven him...and he is still overwhelmed by the gravity of how much of his life he has to put back together. Many emotional mood swings...but I understand this is part of the process.

Anyway, I became *very* angry when he started talking about me "coming home"...a lot. I felt like he was ignoring how much pain I was still in.

We DID have a lot of enjoyable times throughout the week...and left in heavy tears (I now live 4 hours away).

Contact has been limited and cold since then. I tried to establish a boundary in as kind of a way as I could...saying I wanted to talk about our business and I would offer support...but I did not want to talk about "coming home" or moving back right now...those changes would take time.

All I got back was...."ok"

Since then...I have heard NOTHING from him...four days.

I know that doesn't sound like a lot...but its a lot to me...and its hurting me...I can't concentrate.

I do not want him OUT of my life..I just want my space and time respected. I know I can't control him telling me to get lost...but I feel like I'm living in grey area.

I have been his best friend....and as his best friend...I would call and see how he was doing....be friendly. But I don't know if doing so would be the "wrong" thing to do.

I don't know if I should check in and see where "we" stand...should I never check in? Does he want no contact? Does he want to "move on?" I realize that *I* can make these calls...but since I want to keep him in my life...I feel like I don't want to make them without him...

I could really use some guidance...

I feel like a high schooler giving someone the silent treatment...and its very uncomfortable.

He's 90 days sober.

Hopeworks

So sorry to hear you are hurting ... yes it is a tough time of transition newly sober and changing dynamics.

Are you both in recovery? Counseling? This is key to establishing new healthy boundaries and communication skills about the past, present and future... at least that has been my overwhelming personal experience and knowledge of other successful couples.

Alcoholism, recovery, healing broken relationships are all complicated subjects independently and you are dealing with all three at once!

What would you normally do? Does he always call first?

I can't give you advice except that it would be very good to get with an alanon group and get a good therapist who is an addictions expert to help you navigate the next few months and beyond... and read, read, read the suggested books in the stickies at the top of the forum.

Good luck and visit often...

RedCandle

He is in AA with infrequent counseling. when we were together...he was at meetings every night and I have no reason to believe he hasn't been attending regularly.

This board...has been my counseling. I'm trying to read a lot about co-dependency and addiction issues.

He ALWAYS calls first. I know four days sounds like nothing...but we have never gone this long...

I feel terrible.

RedCandle

I should also add that after the short "ok" I got from him...I did not respond...which is probably largely why I feel like such a child. I was angry that after my long email...all he could do was say "ok"

If this is someone I care about...am I acting cold just to prove my point? Or do I need to do this to establish a boundary?

NYCDoglvr

Ditto ... you really should go to Al-anon.

Alcoholics are very manipulative and this strategy sounds like it's working. Have you asked yourself what YOU want for your life?

RedCandle

Its working? For who?

I want the healthy happy man I ORIGINALLY met...back in my life. I don't want the model I'm currently dealing with.

I also want the business we've been planning.

Yes, he can be VERY manipulative. Is it HIS strategy....or mine?

I'm trying so hard to model after you all by going "no contact"...but if feels so unnatural after daily communication....

choublak

Perhaps he doesn't know what to say to you and is thinking of something to say?

RedCandle

Maybe Choublak...

...but this man has never been at a loss of words :-)

I feel like such a baby. Four days and I'm falling apart.

I guess...when *I'm* feeling like I'm in a bad spot...I just want to know I"m not alone. I DON'T want him to think his friends/family are "leaving" him and not supporting him. That's why I"m sooo eager to reach out.

On the other hand. I don't know if how choppy our week together was...if that is indicative that these first 90 days are not going as smoothly as he SAYS...and I need to not interfere....

So many advocate "no contact"...its so much harder than I thought...

choublak

IMHO, the people at AA are a better support system for him at the moment, than friends/family.

Why would he think his friends/family are leaving him?

RedCandle

Because I told him I would NOT talk about my "coming home" or having a "relationship."

In MY mind...I'm trying to establish a boundary that I need time to heal.
In HIS mind...I'm thinking he processes that as "I'm not interested in you"...so he cuts contact and just responds "ok"

I realize I'm really analyzing this...
but I don't know if I should send words of support, as in "I'm still hear to support you and I care about how you're doing"...
...or if I need to do the no contact thing.

These early phases have been an emotional rollercoaster

choublak

I don't know...trying to guess what he could be thinking seems like a waste of mental energy, to me.

bonami

RedCandle, I know what you mean about the roller coaster! You can certainly reach out to him if you want, or if doing so will make you feel better, but please know that you may not get the answer from him that you are looking for, or any answer at all. You have to try not to have any expectations from him at this point. He is still pretty early into his recovery and he probably does not know what he really wants yet.

It took me a while to stop expecting my RA friend to behave the way he used to before he started his recovery. Sending him a note and hoping he would respond to it just made me feel worse when he didn't reply, so I stopped. He's someone I've known for a very long time and used to see every day, but right now he does not want me to contact him. He knows that he has my support, but for now the best thing that I can do for him is to respect his wishes and leave him to his own recovery.

Please continue to read and post here; there are wise people on these boards!

RedCandle

^ ok.

now I feel like trash.

Your right, I have been a horrible communicator. When he gets too close, I push him away.
I got very scared when he started talking about marriage again after we had talked about taking it one day at a time.
I'm not very good at this...admittedly. And yes, I've probably sent him a bunch of mixed signals.

I should probably not contact him...I see now that I've only been a detriment.

thank you anvilhead.

bless5

I think that's wise. Don't you just hate it when someone just lays it on the line perfectly and it all becomes so clear. Anvilhead was right on the money and it's so good you are level-headed enough to recognize it even as hard as it is.

We live in a "microwave" society that wants everything NOW. Some things have to marinate. Give yourself and him space. Only time will tell.

runningforlife

Red - I've been through exactly what you are feeling right now. It is torturous and I really feel for where you're at right now in all of this. I literally wept for weeks with my phone next to me, just WILLING for him to call me. We went from talking on the phone twice a day to not talking at all. Agh! That agony.

In the beginning, I did reach out to him. But I just got short, almost cold replies. SOOOO not the warm and loving communication we always had. This early contact with him was bittersweet. I was hearing from him, yet it was so distant and it left me feeling even more confused and hurt. It actually became easier for me to respect the boundary he asked for and NOT contact him than it was to take his coolness towards me.

It's still very difficult for me to understand what he might be going through in his early recovery. Like your A, my A just celebrated 90 days. I've been through hell and back with him and the last thing I ever expected is to be shut out in his recovery. I went through all of that to get shut out?

I realized that I was having expectations that he just isn't able to meet right now. I sent him a holiday card back in December and never hear a peep from him. No text or call wishing me merry xmas or happy new year. Nothing. But then I remembered the bread baking analogy. I'm expecting deliciousness out of a nasty raw dough ball. And I'm not waiting around stagnant while the bread is baking, either. I'm busy working on myself. IF (and that's a big if, in my case) he maintains sobriety and IF he decides he wants to try this relationship thing again and IF I end up still wanting to move forward with him, he certainly wouldn't like what he finds in me right now. I'm a long ways away from being the "whole" person I want to be. I have a lot of work to do and I'm not even the one who has ravaged my body and brain with alcohol. Months ago, I kept envisioning that he was becoming this perfect man, perfect and sober and healthy, and that I was missing out on the best of him. That's actually so far from the truth. Yes, we are both going through our own transformations, but I'm pretty certain my A is tackling emotional issues just as, if not more, complicated as mine PLUS he's also battling a physical addiction to alcohol and the benzos he's been prescribed for years for his panic disorder. I have never been addicted to a substance and can't possibly fathom how difficult it must be to turn that ship around and head into calmer waters.

Sorry for the long post -- I can't seem to keep them succinct! You are not alone, Red. I hate saying this but, with time this will all start feeling a little bit more manageable. Find something that makes your heart sing. You're worth it.

bonami

I was going thru the same thing. It's horrible to feel shut out. But I had to let all of my expectations go. I have found that reading the Newcomers to Recovery threads here on SR has helped me to learn more about what people do go thru during early recovery.

and running, it does sound like you are doing well in focusing on yourself, well done!