itsanewday2011

I have posted recently, and I know my troubles certainly aren't in "crisis mode" as others and would consider my question/post a "lower priority", but appreciate any insight.

While not as extreme as the issues we had in the past, I am curious.....my ex is supposed to see his daughter 2x/week for supervised visits. He recently asked to move the Wed visit to Thursdays, and we are in the process of coordinating having his parents supervise that visit instead of me (yea!) My question....today ex emailed and said he can't do this Thursday and could we move this week to Wed. Didn't give a reason, but I asked why as I thought his weekly meetings were Thursdays. He didn't respond to that question, just that he wanted to meet to discuss having his parents as supervisors.

Then, I confirmed if next week's schedule was as planned for Thursday, and he asked if he could do Tuesday as he needs to help his sober house president get a guy out of jail (from out of town). He is doing "work" for this sober housing in exchange for 1/2 off rent, but I would think his child would be priority?????

Anyhoo - was looking at another posting, and saw this interesting post from CynicalOne (Thank you!)

Thought I would post my responses here:

If he's clean and you're crazy than:
1) He would be gainfully employed, going to work every day. Nope
2) Have his own place to live in his name. Nope
3) Be paying his own bills, that are also in his name. Not sure about bill payment
4) Have a car in his name, and be paying the insurance. He got the car from his dad - I believe the car insurance lapsed - not sure he has any
5) Be paying child support every week/month. This he is doing - it is coming out of his unemployment check
6) Be doing whatever it took to see his child. Not really?
7) Have a phone in his name, that he pays for, and that he answers. Cell phone
8) Be accountable and responsible. Not always
9) Be willing to be drug tested. Haven't asked
10) Would show up at court N/A
11) Etc. Etc. Etc.

Chino

Is Tuesday what it will take for him to see his child? Is that OK with you?

itsanewday2011

It is okay with me - I just don't understand why his schedule changes every week. I try to give him a month's notice for my work related meetings, so don't understand. Maybe I am being too difficult and am just cynical these days.

InnocntBystnder

This is how I feel about it.

If you are okay with him switching up his schedule to see the child that is fine.

For me, it isn't okay. I do not waht to have to continually change MY schedule around to suit someone else. If it is not a priority that you put on the top of your list (like the meetings), then fine however, do not expect me to keep my schedule up in the air because you cannot keep a good schedule.

Once is okay, twice might be okay but every week is not okay with me. It is not respectful to me to continually disrupt MY time with my child.

tjp613

I've been divorced for 16 years...since my children were 5 and 2. In my experience, over time we learned that the schedule is not negotiable or change-able unless there is an emergency or some other unavoidable circumstance which prevents it. Providing as much notice as possible is simply a matter of respect for the other person. It took us about 4-5 years of jacking around, resentments, nasty conversations, revenge-seeking, and hurt children before we arrived at that conclusion.

Just my $0.02.

TiredandSpent

Another divorced parent here, and another one who learned it doesn't pay to switch schedules around (and it only gets harder the older kids get). This is the agreed upon time and either he does it or he doesn't. He needs to let you know that he's going to not do it as far in advance as possible.

However WHY he needs to switch and/or cancel is none of your business. And your ruminating on whether he has his priorities straight indicates that you have some unfinished business. It's not your job to approve or disapprove of his choices or to vet his priorities or to decide which is more important meetings or his child. He gets to do that himself. You may decide these things for yourself, but not for him.

If it really doesn't bother the child or you to switch days, go ahead and switch. If you don't want to, say no. And remember, just as he doesn't have to give you a reason for wanting to switch, you don't have to give him a reason for saying no. "No" is enough.

itsanewday2011

Great advice!

Tired and spent - you are right. I need to stop ruminating, stop asking him the reasons, and just either agree or not agree. Good advice.

Thanks everyone!