alaskasunshine

I keep trying. And over the past 5 years I have managed to put together 60 days once and 30 days about three times. I have been to inpatient treatment once, outpatient twice. Have been in AA, have had a homegroup for about 3 years and a sponser since last August. We did stepwork. And I have a therapist.
And yet here I am sitting at my computer with two shots of rum already gone and I still think I can control it. I think I can handle it.
I give up. I really do. *sigh*
I had my 2nd dui 6 years ago and my first 9 years ago. I feel good that 6 years have gone by and I haven't been arrested. But I have drove drunk, so it's only a fluke.
So I will join the Januray 2012 class and give this another go. Any advice?

flamingredhair

I'm new to this and have messed up myself but I would guess that so long as you keep trying it's never hopeless.

flamingredhair

I'm new to this and have messed up myself but I would guess that so long as you keep trying it's never hopeless.

flamingredhair

Sorry about the double post. :-)

DayTrader

If you can control it then wouldn't your history indicate control? Does it? Have you always demonstrated control?

I dunno.....but I can control my gambling and you won't ever find me at a dice game or wacked out at a casino.....betting my mortgage money. You won't find me "gambling against my will" or against my better judgement.....ever. Why, because I can control it. It's not a problem.

As for your post, don't mistake "can" for "want to." When I looked at my history drinking, lack of control was written everywhere. I WANTED TO control it badly....very very badly......but that wasn't the writing on the wall.

I've got several issues with what you wrote here but, this being the newcomer forum, I'll keep it to myself. (Alaska, if you're interested, shoot me a pm.)

Dee74

Welcome back Alaska

I dunno - if you feel comfortable in AA maybe you should speak honestly and openly to your sponsor - I presume they know all your story - what do they think you need?

D

Pigtails

Your post sounds so hopeless, just like its title, but I just want to tell you that there is hope. You are trying, and that is great. You are not giving up. I think your first issue to deal with is thinking you can control it. You have to admit that you can't. I know that's hard. Believe me, just reading your post about having two shots of rum made me want some rum, and made me think, "But I CAN handle it." But I am done with that notion. I know it is just a trick my mind plays on me. My main slogan is "no matter what." As in, no matter what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, what is going on around me, I will not drink, no matter what. Even if I'm thinking, "I can definitely handle a drink right now, I'm not an alcoholic, I need to ease up on myself, I deserve a drink..." (I constantly think all of these things and more, I don't drink. It is hard to be in this fighting-it-off stage and I am hoping that with AA the desire to drink/obsession with drinking or not drinking will leave me. But for now I just don't drink, no matter what, and I hang on to that one part of my brain that is rational and that knows it cannot control it. I am *powerless* over alcohol once I start drinking, but I have the power to NOT drink, and that is huge. I will stick with that so that I can be more powerful than this stupid disease which has taken me on a journey to hell.

And you're right that not getting a DUI has just been a fluke since you have been driving drunk. One always-great thing about not drinking is that I can't get a DUI! It is a freeing, wonderful feeling I always remember when I'm driving around late and I see a copy. (Now, ironically, I become afraid when driving around at night that a drunk driver will hit me! And I'm rather glad to see a cop on the road, and other methods to deter DUIs, even though I know there is a big controversy about their effectiveness and the police methods etc... anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite all fo that, it's a wonderful feeling to know you are free of DUIs if you don't drink!!) I am only 59 days in so perhaps I don't have the experience to be talking to you, but, I tried and failed quite a few times before getting here and I know that there are a couple of things that are different this time, so, maybe it will help you:

- I had a come-to-Jesus moment with myself where I admitted I am an alcoholic, that I am powerless over alcohol and that I will never be able to drink normally, so, NO MATTER WHAT, I need to abstain from drinking.

- I decided to do everything in my power to help me stay sober, including things that were difficult/uncomfortable for me, like going to AA, repeatedly going to AA, reaching out for help, and now I am about to start the steps and get a sponsor. To be honest I have not availed myself of all measures and done everything possible but I have slowly but surely come out of my comfort zone and made changes, and I intend to keep making more. I also read about AVRT and nutrition and Buddhism and anything at all that helps me stay sober. I text or call AA friends when I am having a hard time; I frequently post on SR. Truly sobriety has been my focus, and I can't wait for things to even out but right now I am pretty much making it my life, so that I can get out of this.

- I try hard to be totally honest with myself and with those who can help me stay sober. I think in the past I was unwilling/unable to do this, and it helps a lot, although it's hard and embarrassing and shameful.

- I try to love myself, be patient with myself, think positively about myself and life, and take care of myself/my needs. This is hard for me and hasn't come naturally but I think it's important to recovery.

I hope I've helped some. There is hope; you are not hopeless. You are worthy of another chance. Good for you for trying again. Welcome back.

Anna

For me, I had to fully accept that I could no longer drink, ever before my thinking began to change and my mind began to find other ways to deal with life.

I'm glad you're back and trying.

Fubarcdn

Keep trying and if you fail try again.
If your life is better off without booze than with it it will stick.
Good luck.

Terminally Unique

This here is your problem.

laurie6781

Only if you want to be. I suspect that all that time you have been in and out of AA, when 'in' AA you have been sitting back and expecting to get recovery by osmosis.

Unfortunately, 'OSMOSIS' does not work.

"Recovery" is a LOT OF HARD WORK, probably more HARD WORK than you have done on anything else in your life. Doesn't matter what method you use, it is HARD WORK and you have to WANT sobriety more than you want to drink.

Obviously you have not made that decision yet.

How about you try this. Sit down, at your computer, WITHOUT A DRINK of alcohol, and do a TIME LINE of your drinking, starting with the earliest episode you can remember, day or night, how much you drank, what if anything bad happened and going forward to today. If you cannot remember the day, month and year will do. Seeing it in black and white will show you your OWN PROGRESSION.

Then do a Pro/Con list on 'continuing to drink'. If you can do those two task Honestly, you will be on your way to finding recovery.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

alaskasunshine

They think I need to just keep coming back to meetings and dont drink in between meetings.

Gerbosko

Are you applying any of the stuff that you learn at the meetings, in / out patient to your daily life - or are you leaving and just thinking about when your next drink is? Nothing will help if you're not willing to take steps that will aid in the success of your recovery from alcohol.

Soberween

A big step for me for accepting that I CAN't control my drinking. An even bigger step was accepting that I DON'T WANT to control my drinking. Standing around at a party and having a glass of wine followed by a glass of water makes no sense to me. The reason this makes zero sense to me is because I'm an alcoholic. Alcoholics don't switch to water. I'm so much happier being a non-drinker and knowing that the struggle of trying to drink like normal drinkers is a non-issue because it simply doesn't exist in my world now. Life without the struggle is so freeing. I finally feel like I'm among the living again. You can do this too. Don't lose hope!

soberlicious

These words empower your addiction...like giving a thief the keys to your house. If you want to quit drinking, it can be done. There is always hope.

sugarbear1

I had to surrender. My way didn't work. Then I had to be thoroughly honest.

Talk to your AA people. Don't drink. Follow directions. You can stay stopped.

Dee74

Do you think that's been enough for you, alaska?

You would know better than I do - do you think you might need a new meeting, or a new sponsor?

D

artsoul

Giving up is a good thing! The desire/idea that we can control it is just another part of the obsession, right? To manage it, to try harder and do it differently "next time" just as long as we don't have to give it up?

Just for kicks, I looked up the definition of "control" and here's what it said:
That sure wasn't me when it came to alcohol. I sure did try, though.

GirlFromCO

It's not exactly bad advice but I think there's room to expand a bit

DisplacedGRITS

Hi, AlaskaSunshine. I suffer with you. My triggers are lonliness which is fuled by my social anxiety. I feel like i'm in a catch 22. Let's try to be sobor for tomorrow, K? If we were sober, wouldn't we be celebrating out sobriety instead of bemoaning our drunkeness? Being drunk is so easy but it leaves ussad and deflated. We failed tonight but that means we can only improve tomorrow. Tomorrow can be better if we allow it.

(This is as much for me as it is for you)