AM I JUST PARANOID or is my mom an alcoholic??!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
AM I JUST PARANOID or is my mom an alcoholic??!
I feel so stupid and naive right now. If my mom IS an alcoholic - why didn't I have any idea until now? I am in my THIRTIES and she is in her SIXTIES. I am her only family and right now, I am living at home with her... but I need some help and QUICK.
I don't drink and have no idea what it can do to a person. I don't understand how it can be the crazy addiction I have seen it made into in movies... I think because I could not relate, I just told myself alcoholism was just something in movies, for dramatic affect (sorry!! I just didn't get it!) :-(
Here is the scoop. My mom is an intensely secretive and private person... I have often gotten suspicious because it seems she is always lying or hiding something. That has been true for years. Let me state: I HAVE NEVER SEEN MY MOTHER DRINK TO EXCESS. I have only seen the "one drink with dinner" or "one drink before meeting my friends" thing. I have HEARD her drunk on the phone with me A LOT - and she denied being drunk, but I swear she was slurring her words and talking stupid.
She doesn't really want me living with her now, but I have no money and no place else to go... she is hyper about her "private time" and I never understood why a 60-something single woman needs that much privacy!! So, here are the details about her.. maybe some of you in the know with your own situations would chime in on whether or not my mom has the SERIOUS problem I am now thinking she does. I JUST FEEL SO STUPID I DIDN'T SEE IT SOONER...
I only started realizing there might be a problem when she recently got arrested for DUI. She admitted to driving drunk "thousands of times" before she got caught. I knew she was a social drinker, and I knew she drove after having a drink or two... so I still didn't believe she was an alcoholic. (She refuses to go to AA and freaked out when I suggested it after the DUI).
Here is my mom:
Chronic BAD BREATH (not like alcohol, but like not eating/dry mouth)
Frequent hands shaking
Personality changes/mood differences that almost seem like she is multiple personality disorder (I have wondered).
Incessant talking and question asking, and not answering direct questions and distracting and subject changing (and her talking is like she cannot stop herself from NONSTOP babble/chatter that is just foolish... almost like a little kid ... and this is woman has an MBA).
Memory loss, forgetting things she said and lots of blaming the other person, like they misheard her, or they were wrong
Complaints of vertigo (dizzy spells)
Paranoia of heart failure or heart attack (we don't have a history of that in our family)
Nonstop heartburn/gerd and taking pepcid, tums, prilosec etc.
Control freakishness - not trusting anyone to do anything, SHE HAS TO DO IT HERSELF, jumping to negative conclusions about people she should trust, thinking everyone is talking about her and everything is about her.
All her friends are heavy drinkers
Complains her friends treat her terribly but she continues to spend time with them.
Drinks TONS of water nonstop and doesn't eat much
Talking too fast and nervously but ALSO acts like she is lobotomized sometime or is a moron.
Sleeps like the DEAD at night...nothing could wake her.
Is an ADVIL junkie
Takes valium and zanax A LOT
Taking WAAAAAY more time out of the house then it would take to run the errands she says she is running.
And today she came out of her CLOSET where she gets dressed and I swear she smelled like alcohol. When I said, "Ew something stinks like alcohol!" She got really weird and started asking if it was the diet coke she was drinking, and other lame questions/distraction methods.
After reading what I just wrote - I REALLY FEEL LIKE A MO-MO. I guess I am answering my own question. I really don't know what to do because this is a person who refuses to admit anything about themselves... and I am the exact opposite. I am very spiritual and believe God wants us to admit our negative traits not to feel guilty but to change and LEARN. I have no judgement... but I really don't know what I am dealing with or how to help because I DO NOT RELATE to this problem at all...!!!
Please everyone, help me understand... I have spent my whole childhood and much of my adulthood thinking I was crazy because of her. Could alcoholism do all that to her personality and treatment of me? I know she loves me, but I have a family now and I am basically trapped with her...maybe this is what I needed to finally get up the gumption to try again at making money to get us out of her home...? Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated...
*hugs*
Naive Nellie
I don't drink and have no idea what it can do to a person. I don't understand how it can be the crazy addiction I have seen it made into in movies... I think because I could not relate, I just told myself alcoholism was just something in movies, for dramatic affect (sorry!! I just didn't get it!) :-(
Here is the scoop. My mom is an intensely secretive and private person... I have often gotten suspicious because it seems she is always lying or hiding something. That has been true for years. Let me state: I HAVE NEVER SEEN MY MOTHER DRINK TO EXCESS. I have only seen the "one drink with dinner" or "one drink before meeting my friends" thing. I have HEARD her drunk on the phone with me A LOT - and she denied being drunk, but I swear she was slurring her words and talking stupid.
She doesn't really want me living with her now, but I have no money and no place else to go... she is hyper about her "private time" and I never understood why a 60-something single woman needs that much privacy!! So, here are the details about her.. maybe some of you in the know with your own situations would chime in on whether or not my mom has the SERIOUS problem I am now thinking she does. I JUST FEEL SO STUPID I DIDN'T SEE IT SOONER...
I only started realizing there might be a problem when she recently got arrested for DUI. She admitted to driving drunk "thousands of times" before she got caught. I knew she was a social drinker, and I knew she drove after having a drink or two... so I still didn't believe she was an alcoholic. (She refuses to go to AA and freaked out when I suggested it after the DUI).
Here is my mom:
Chronic BAD BREATH (not like alcohol, but like not eating/dry mouth)
Frequent hands shaking
Personality changes/mood differences that almost seem like she is multiple personality disorder (I have wondered).
Incessant talking and question asking, and not answering direct questions and distracting and subject changing (and her talking is like she cannot stop herself from NONSTOP babble/chatter that is just foolish... almost like a little kid ... and this is woman has an MBA).
Memory loss, forgetting things she said and lots of blaming the other person, like they misheard her, or they were wrong
Complaints of vertigo (dizzy spells)
Paranoia of heart failure or heart attack (we don't have a history of that in our family)
Nonstop heartburn/gerd and taking pepcid, tums, prilosec etc.
Control freakishness - not trusting anyone to do anything, SHE HAS TO DO IT HERSELF, jumping to negative conclusions about people she should trust, thinking everyone is talking about her and everything is about her.
All her friends are heavy drinkers
Complains her friends treat her terribly but she continues to spend time with them.
Drinks TONS of water nonstop and doesn't eat much
Talking too fast and nervously but ALSO acts like she is lobotomized sometime or is a moron.
Sleeps like the DEAD at night...nothing could wake her.
Is an ADVIL junkie
Takes valium and zanax A LOT
Taking WAAAAAY more time out of the house then it would take to run the errands she says she is running.
And today she came out of her CLOSET where she gets dressed and I swear she smelled like alcohol. When I said, "Ew something stinks like alcohol!" She got really weird and started asking if it was the diet coke she was drinking, and other lame questions/distraction methods.
After reading what I just wrote - I REALLY FEEL LIKE A MO-MO. I guess I am answering my own question. I really don't know what to do because this is a person who refuses to admit anything about themselves... and I am the exact opposite. I am very spiritual and believe God wants us to admit our negative traits not to feel guilty but to change and LEARN. I have no judgement... but I really don't know what I am dealing with or how to help because I DO NOT RELATE to this problem at all...!!!
Please everyone, help me understand... I have spent my whole childhood and much of my adulthood thinking I was crazy because of her. Could alcoholism do all that to her personality and treatment of me? I know she loves me, but I have a family now and I am basically trapped with her...maybe this is what I needed to finally get up the gumption to try again at making money to get us out of her home...? Any thoughts or advice would be so appreciated...
*hugs*
Naive Nellie
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I can't say if your mom is or is not an alcoholic. Labeling it doesn't make it go away or cure it.
The three C's of addiction helped me when I was dealing with my loved one's alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the adult that has the problem.
What could I control or cure? My own crazy-making thoughts. I became so focused on what the other person was doing - I neglected my own self. I became someone I did not like.
I started educating myself on alcoholism, attending Alanon meetings, reading self-improvement books, and spending time here at SR.
Today, I am able to let the addicts in my life live the life of their choosing.
Today, I am able to make healthy choices for myself, love myself, and have healthier relationships.
Please keep reading and posting, we care about you!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I can't say if your mom is or is not an alcoholic. Labeling it doesn't make it go away or cure it.
The three C's of addiction helped me when I was dealing with my loved one's alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the adult that has the problem.
What could I control or cure? My own crazy-making thoughts. I became so focused on what the other person was doing - I neglected my own self. I became someone I did not like.
I started educating myself on alcoholism, attending Alanon meetings, reading self-improvement books, and spending time here at SR.
Today, I am able to let the addicts in my life live the life of their choosing.
Today, I am able to make healthy choices for myself, love myself, and have healthier relationships.
Please keep reading and posting, we care about you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome Nellie, so glad you have found this site, there is a ton of great information here.
IMO, anyone who says they have driven drunk thousands of times has a major league problem with alcohol, is she an alcoholic, odds are pretty high, but who knows for sure.
Please consider going to al-anon, also I can tell you that professional counseling and treatment for depression has been a godsend for me.
My mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years (I am 49), she has been an obvious alcoholic and has gotten progressively worse over the years, but she does her drinking at home.
Please read the stickies at the top of this forum, the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum also has a lot of great information, and many of us who post there have been down the same road you are on now.
If you would like to talk, need to vent, a hug, or some propping up just let me know.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
IMO, anyone who says they have driven drunk thousands of times has a major league problem with alcohol, is she an alcoholic, odds are pretty high, but who knows for sure.
Please consider going to al-anon, also I can tell you that professional counseling and treatment for depression has been a godsend for me.
My mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years (I am 49), she has been an obvious alcoholic and has gotten progressively worse over the years, but she does her drinking at home.
Please read the stickies at the top of this forum, the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum also has a lot of great information, and many of us who post there have been down the same road you are on now.
If you would like to talk, need to vent, a hug, or some propping up just let me know.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I think that hiding your drinks is one of the classic symptoms of alcoholism. "Normal" drinkers don't need to hide their drinks. As a sign of alcoholism, it seems to pop up frequently.
The alcoholic in my life was a master at hiding her drinking. I came to think of her as "the immaculate drunk," because one moment she'd appear to be fine, and the next thing I knew she was smashed. Often without me ever seeing her take a drink. I later found out that slugging down a pint of vodka will do that to you.
You said: "I have spent my whole childhood and much of my adulthood thinking I was crazy because of her. Could alcoholism do all that to her personality and treatment of me?" I believe so, yes. I think that for most of us, living with an active alcoholic makes us crazy. It's possible that one of the things your mother does/has done to misdirect your attention away from her (secretive) drinking is to make you think you're the one with the problem? Something to to think about...
As others will suggest, if you want help with your mothers alcoholism, try attending an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for the families of alcoholics. It won't help you fix your mothers problem, but it will help you learn how to cope with it. It has worked for me.
The alcoholic in my life was a master at hiding her drinking. I came to think of her as "the immaculate drunk," because one moment she'd appear to be fine, and the next thing I knew she was smashed. Often without me ever seeing her take a drink. I later found out that slugging down a pint of vodka will do that to you.
You said: "I have spent my whole childhood and much of my adulthood thinking I was crazy because of her. Could alcoholism do all that to her personality and treatment of me?" I believe so, yes. I think that for most of us, living with an active alcoholic makes us crazy. It's possible that one of the things your mother does/has done to misdirect your attention away from her (secretive) drinking is to make you think you're the one with the problem? Something to to think about...
As others will suggest, if you want help with your mothers alcoholism, try attending an Al-Anon meeting. It's a support group for the families of alcoholics. It won't help you fix your mothers problem, but it will help you learn how to cope with it. It has worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Her drinking is not normal.
I'm just wondering why you would choose to live with a person, drinking or not, with the qualities you describe. You wrote that you have no place else to go, but we all have options or else we create them.
I'm just wondering why you would choose to live with a person, drinking or not, with the qualities you describe. You wrote that you have no place else to go, but we all have options or else we create them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2
Hanna ... my husband and I lost our jobs, could not find work anywhere, I got pregnant unexpectedly (was told I could not have children and have been with my husband 15 years), I had a baby and instantly got pregnant again. We thought we would be OK but the money ran out, so here we are. It's not an excuse, but I will admit I chalked it up to what God's will was for our lives... that somehow God wanted me to learn something from my mom, or help her spiritually in some way (she does admit to having more peace when she is spiritual and I am around).... but you are right - I let go of control of my own life believing it would all turn out for the best, and how it was meant to... my mom also has amazing moments of wisdom, and has really been there for the baby and us. She is my only relative, and it has been hard to sever the connection with her eventhough I probably need to. Anyway, this is a definite wake up call for me - I still don't know exactly what to do in this situation, but I am grateful for finding this website and all the input I am sure I will receive here. I DID go to an al-anon meeting tonight and it was supportive - I found a lot of people talking about being control freaks (I used to be one too...) but now I am so far the other way that I have just let life happen to me, instead of taking control in some ways and letting go in others. I just went from one end of the control spectrum to the other and now I don't know how to find balance.. take control of MY life but not anyone elses... thank you for your post. :-)
*hugs*
Nellie
*hugs*
Nellie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Some of the symptoms you describe could also be due to a medical condition such as uncontrolled diabetes.
Either way, she will only get help if she wants help.
If it were my mom, I would be worried.
If it is not a medical condition, yeah it could be alcohol, or another drug. Could be the benzos. Who knows?
I hope she will get help.
FT
Either way, she will only get help if she wants help.
If it were my mom, I would be worried.
If it is not a medical condition, yeah it could be alcohol, or another drug. Could be the benzos. Who knows?
I hope she will get help.
FT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
You'll get the answer to your question as you continue to look for the answer. Keep in mind, though, that if you mom is alcoholic, that alcoholism has progressed over the years. So how you see your mom drinking now may not be the same as when you were a child.
Lots of us beat ourselves up for having been "bamboozled" by our loved one's drinking/drugging. Why didn't we see what was going on sooner? Why did we believe them for so long when we had those little red flags in our heads? Why did we give them the benefit of the doubt? If we were so gullible about what was going on around us 24/7 then how gullible are we now in other situations? Alanon can help with all this stuff and more.
Welcome to SR.
Lots of us beat ourselves up for having been "bamboozled" by our loved one's drinking/drugging. Why didn't we see what was going on sooner? Why did we believe them for so long when we had those little red flags in our heads? Why did we give them the benefit of the doubt? If we were so gullible about what was going on around us 24/7 then how gullible are we now in other situations? Alanon can help with all this stuff and more.
Welcome to SR.
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