CatsPajamas

In the course of my business, I read a lot. I mean A LOT of articles, blogs, etc. I came across this article on a website / blog about productive living. I found it to be challenging, inspiring and I thought I would share. It might even be good to take one idea and work on it each day. Imagine how much I could grow in 30 days - one day at a time! If I post all 30 at once, it will be too long.

So, I'll post the first 5 here and perhaps we can talk about them this week. Look for 2nd round next Monday!

(edited to add - here's the link to the original blog post:http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/...g-to-yourself/ )


1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled .

4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

CatsPajamas

This was a breakthrough concept for me when I started really working on my own recovery. I looked around and saw that I had a lot of toxic people in my life. Some were incredibly selfish, others were untrustworthy and a few were just icky. I clung to a few old "friendships" because I knew they weren't right or healthy, but yet I struggled so hard to get that person to like me or to accept me. It took some hard work to figure out that some people were NEVER going to like me no matter what I did, but I also learned that that was about THEM and not about me. Hence, I embraced the recovery philosophy that is also my signature line: "What other people think of me is really none of my business". I can only work on me, and I can strive to be the best me there is every day.

I also learned to run my relationships through the "seasons'' filter: every person comes into your life for a specific thing. Some people come into your life for a reason. Those are the people you encounter and share something with - an event, a moment, a chance encounter on a subway. Everyone has something to teach if you're open to learning, but not every one of those people will or should be in your life longterm.

Other people come into your life for a season. Some of my relationships are like that, and they ebb and flow. Other parents at a baseball game whom I see on a regular basis, co workers, ex-inlaws etc. Those are people who were in my life for a time period, but maybe don't need to be there any longer. I was able to look at relationships and friendships and evaluate them. Was there a good reason to continue a relationship with someone, or had our season passed? I was sorry to let some of them go, but it was good for me if the relationship was no longer healthy and vibrant.

A few that had gone stale were important enough to me that I reached out and worked to re-kindle the friendship. Those are some that are now lifetime friends. Those are the people who love me unconditionally, who will stand by me when times are tough, and won't let me deceive myself. Some are friends whom I have met in recovery, at meetings and conferences, or here on SR. 2 are friends from my childhood.

It's been good for me to look at all of my relationships and run them thru these filters. I'll work on the lifetime ones, nurture the seasonal ones, and mourn some of the reason ones that are gone but from whom I learned something valuable.

What about you? Are you able to look at some of the people in your life and make some healthy changes?

DesertEyes

Wonderful post, thank Cats

I used to do that. My social skills were lacking, as was my self-esteem. I hung around with the wrong people because I did not know how to deal with emotionally healthy people. I did not "fit" anywhere else. My sponsor pointed out that I had to stop looking at _them_ as being the "wrong people". I had to look at _me_ and figure out why it was that the "wrong people" were willing to have me hang around them. Well, because I "fit" in with them, I was a "wrong people" too.

Building up my self esteem is what helped me. As I became more comfortabe with myself and what I have acomplished in life I was able to drift away from the "wrong" crowd and "Fit in" with healthier people.

This was part of my self esteem issues. I ran from problems because I had not skill with which to deal with problems. When I started hanging out with emotionally healthy people I saw how _they_ dealt with life and I learned from their example.

This one took a lot longer to solve. I was raised to take care of everybody else, and had no concept of my own needs. A couple of good therapists and a lot of step work helped me see my own needs as valid. I still have to stop myself once or twice a day and consciously evaluate where the "balance" is where caring for myself is in harmony with caring for others.

I did not know _who_ I was. My life as a child existed as a reaction to my alcoholic parents. I was either in a panic trying to cater to their needs, or trying to hide from their outbursts. When I grew up I had no other life skills. I had to first realize that I _could_ have a "me" with a life that was not 100% filled with emergencies, and then figure out what that "me" really was.

As with my self-esteem, I discovered the "me" by observing what healthy people did and then trying things out like I was shopping for a coat. I found that I am not good with sick people, so being a doctor is not "me". I like people who are creative and artistic, and whadya know I found out that I'm good at that too.

Today I like who I am. I have some character defects I am working on, and some character traits that I nourish because I like them.

Mike

Tuffgirl

Thanks for this, Cats. It couldn't come at a more opportune time for me as I decide just how much more I want to give someone who is not returning the giving. And it makes me appreciate those who have and are my true friends.

I shouldn't have to fight for a spot. I love that sentence. Seems I have been doing an awful lot of fighting for something that should come naturally and easily. Maybe there is a reason you posted this and I read it first thing today. Maybe it is time to stop lying to myself and allow this season of my life to end. It's a new year and a new decade for me...maybe a new season, too?!

Pelican

Thank you for sharing this CatsPajamas!
I am looking forward to the readings.

This was my lightbulb moment in my marriage to an active alcoholic.
The light shone brightly on my Codependency and on his King Baby Attitude.

I started a daily mantra:
My happiness is just as important as his
My needs are just as important as his
My life is as important as his.

Then I stopped comparing my life to his and condensed it to a positive affirmation:

My happiness matters
My needs matter
My life is important

NYCDoglvr

Thank you so much for posting this. This is the hardest one for me but I've learned to question myself and fight like a tiger against denial, which is perched on my shoulder. Wishing for something does not make it happen. Louse to Thelma: "Thelma, you get what you settle for".