***thank god***
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Hamilton, ON
Posts: 5
***thank god***
First off, I'd just like to say a big thank-you to everyone on this forum. I'm a new member...and had no idea a forum like this even existed, not to mention that the activity level is astounding...I'll start my intro with a brief bio on me:
(note: if not interested in reading about me...skip to fast forward part)
Single child, raised in a low-middle income household by mom...always surrounded by loving family and great groups of friends. I always felt like I never fit in. In my early teens I began to experiment with various drugs. I continued through school, and then college, and then got a job. In my 20's when I could afford more, I bought more...and did more. I was heavily addicted to a few different drugs...for the next several years I maintained this type of lifestyle (work all day, stay up all night). The party ended on Sept 27 2005...and I was admitted to inpatient rehab. I was told after 21 days that I could not be helped 'at this time' because I was in recovery for the 'wrong reasons'. Instead of relapsing, I continued to work on my recovery, attended 12 step programs for the next year...then stopped attending meetings. I was clean for 2 years without meetings - then in Aug 2007 I had a relapse. It only lasted for 1 day...I felt terrible about it and didn't use again...2 years later, I found the woman of my dreams - and married her.
Fast forward to the present (3 years married & 4 yrs clean now) there seems to be a dark cloud over our marriage...and the past several months my thoughts have been polluted with thoughts of using. Intense feelings and cravings for my drug of choice seemed to have returned at full force and I am struggling heavily with it...to the point where my heart races at night and is making me lose sleep, I'm trying various coping mechanisms but the draw just keeps getting stronger. I feel it is affecting our marriage to the point where we are fighting more often, and considering separation. This is the last thing I want because I truly do love her...it is very hard to explain to my wife what is going on inside my head...she doesn't understand. She didn't know me when I was using, however she does recognize that I do not have a healthy balance when it comes to consumption ie. when it comes to potato chips, I either don't want any or I'll eat the whole bag. Lol. Anyways...I'll end my post here, I feel a little bit better about things by just typing them out - thats why the big thank you.
Maybe some of you can share some of the tools you use to quell cravings and bad thoughts. One of mine is to recite the serenity prayer or the lords prayer over and over until I fall asleep...90% of the time it works for me. I am not religious lol, and I don't even pay attention to the words at this point...I just kind of see them scroll by like some sort of teleprompter in my head - my focus on doing this seems to punch the thoughts aside for the time being until I am distracted by something else.
Glad you're all here - and I sincerely wish everyone the best.
THANK YOU@!!
(note: if not interested in reading about me...skip to fast forward part)
Single child, raised in a low-middle income household by mom...always surrounded by loving family and great groups of friends. I always felt like I never fit in. In my early teens I began to experiment with various drugs. I continued through school, and then college, and then got a job. In my 20's when I could afford more, I bought more...and did more. I was heavily addicted to a few different drugs...for the next several years I maintained this type of lifestyle (work all day, stay up all night). The party ended on Sept 27 2005...and I was admitted to inpatient rehab. I was told after 21 days that I could not be helped 'at this time' because I was in recovery for the 'wrong reasons'. Instead of relapsing, I continued to work on my recovery, attended 12 step programs for the next year...then stopped attending meetings. I was clean for 2 years without meetings - then in Aug 2007 I had a relapse. It only lasted for 1 day...I felt terrible about it and didn't use again...2 years later, I found the woman of my dreams - and married her.
Fast forward to the present (3 years married & 4 yrs clean now) there seems to be a dark cloud over our marriage...and the past several months my thoughts have been polluted with thoughts of using. Intense feelings and cravings for my drug of choice seemed to have returned at full force and I am struggling heavily with it...to the point where my heart races at night and is making me lose sleep, I'm trying various coping mechanisms but the draw just keeps getting stronger. I feel it is affecting our marriage to the point where we are fighting more often, and considering separation. This is the last thing I want because I truly do love her...it is very hard to explain to my wife what is going on inside my head...she doesn't understand. She didn't know me when I was using, however she does recognize that I do not have a healthy balance when it comes to consumption ie. when it comes to potato chips, I either don't want any or I'll eat the whole bag. Lol. Anyways...I'll end my post here, I feel a little bit better about things by just typing them out - thats why the big thank you.
Maybe some of you can share some of the tools you use to quell cravings and bad thoughts. One of mine is to recite the serenity prayer or the lords prayer over and over until I fall asleep...90% of the time it works for me. I am not religious lol, and I don't even pay attention to the words at this point...I just kind of see them scroll by like some sort of teleprompter in my head - my focus on doing this seems to punch the thoughts aside for the time being until I am distracted by something else.
Glad you're all here - and I sincerely wish everyone the best.
THANK YOU@!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: IL now
Posts: 218
Sometimes marriage takes more than two people. Maybe it is time to see your local pastor (doesn't sound like you're into that) or seek marriage counseling? One thing I can tell you, using will not answer your question, nor will it fix the problem. It will only dull the pain long enough for you to lose more than you originally had on the table. Sometimes relationships aren't meant to be, but you have to face them as a normal person, with weaknesses, and sometimes just crying and letting it all out in the corner is the only option.. I'm not the type to cry, but sometimes it just built up to that point where that was the only answer.
Get help, it's absolutely worth it. Talk it out with someone who DOES understand, and comes from an addictive background. You just found an entire group of us!
My PM box is always open, and their is a 'chat' function with usually a few people to talk to in there...
Get help, it's absolutely worth it. Talk it out with someone who DOES understand, and comes from an addictive background. You just found an entire group of us!
My PM box is always open, and their is a 'chat' function with usually a few people to talk to in there...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Hamilton, ON
Posts: 5
Yes...we're considering seeing a couples therapist however at 125$ an hour they don't come cheap...and even though we both work, we don't make nearly enough to foot that bill without sacrificing groceries, gas, heating bills etc.
I know all too well that using does not solve anything...and as strange as it may seem I don't believe my urges to use are stemming from marital issues...I think its vice versa, I started getting the urges...and while trying my best to not entertain those thoughts I became somewhat 'distant' from her point of view.
I haven't been to a 12 step program in years...our relationship is already stressed and I feel that being out of the house 2-3 times a week at meetings would put even more stress on our marriage at this point.
Its a tough situation...I'm don't think there's an easy fix - I just want to know what others do when they have thoughts of using...
My urges seem to come out of nowhere - in addition to my marriage, I'm also struggling with staying focused at work. It almost feels like I'm back at day1 of detox...the urges are that strong. Unfortunately I gave away all my big books (after I read them) to people I was helping in the various programs that I became involved in.
I just think its just crazy how after 4 years of being clean, that these urges and cravings can come back the way they do...almost as if I have to start the climb all over to regain control of my thoughts.
I know all too well that using does not solve anything...and as strange as it may seem I don't believe my urges to use are stemming from marital issues...I think its vice versa, I started getting the urges...and while trying my best to not entertain those thoughts I became somewhat 'distant' from her point of view.
I haven't been to a 12 step program in years...our relationship is already stressed and I feel that being out of the house 2-3 times a week at meetings would put even more stress on our marriage at this point.
Its a tough situation...I'm don't think there's an easy fix - I just want to know what others do when they have thoughts of using...
My urges seem to come out of nowhere - in addition to my marriage, I'm also struggling with staying focused at work. It almost feels like I'm back at day1 of detox...the urges are that strong. Unfortunately I gave away all my big books (after I read them) to people I was helping in the various programs that I became involved in.
I just think its just crazy how after 4 years of being clean, that these urges and cravings can come back the way they do...almost as if I have to start the climb all over to regain control of my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Well nice to meet you! 
I read your whole post. I think reading some o the "stickies" on the various boards may be of help to you and then there is a pretty good web site that deals with marriage called - Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice that has tons of relationship info. People always say marriage takes a lot of work for a good reason!
What is the "black cloud? Is it your thoughts about using? Also if this is the case are you only talking to your wife about it?
I'd say get to some meetings. Staying home is not working. Eventually if you keep only talking to your wife about this f2f she is going to become more and more concerned and unable to cope with the tension. Is it possible that this is just your black cloud and you are putting it over your marriage, so to speak.."
I read your whole post. I think reading some o the "stickies" on the various boards may be of help to you and then there is a pretty good web site that deals with marriage called - Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice that has tons of relationship info. People always say marriage takes a lot of work for a good reason!
What is the "black cloud? Is it your thoughts about using? Also if this is the case are you only talking to your wife about it?
I'd say get to some meetings. Staying home is not working. Eventually if you keep only talking to your wife about this f2f she is going to become more and more concerned and unable to cope with the tension. Is it possible that this is just your black cloud and you are putting it over your marriage, so to speak.."
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Go to a meeting, find your old group or a new one. So far your posts have stated every reason you can't do anything. You made it with 12 step programs before, or if you want another non AA then get with it. No money for counseling is one thing. But saying you are4 painted in a corner and can't do anything to get right and local support is not saying anything but why you are about to go down and throw it all away. I am not saying that 12 steps is your only option. If your marriage is already gone so bad that getting help will break it, then it is too late for now anyway. But I guarantee if you don't get off dead center and stop telling yourself why you can't do anything, you will be right. It is way harder to come back from a relapse than to maintain your sobriety. You know that. So what are you willing to do to save yourself this time? Because you have to do that before you can save your marriage. It isn't either/or regardless of how you think it is.
Let's try this again. How are you going to go out and make a meeting? Can you afford the cost of a BB?
Stay with us here and post, we are here for you, but you have to want to do whatever it takes.
Now what I do when I think of drinking at one and a quarter years sober? I simply remember that I will never be a slave again to a substance. I remember how I am a non-drinker now and satisfied with that. However I have found that I do have power over sobriety. That is the flip side of being powerless over alcohol dontcha think? I am under the influence literally with alcohol in my system thus not sober. But I can, when sober, choose never to drink again. Ever. That isn't being powerful over alcohol, I am powerless there. But the point is moot as sober, I have the power to stay sober. AA worked for what I needed.
Let's try this again. How are you going to go out and make a meeting? Can you afford the cost of a BB?
Stay with us here and post, we are here for you, but you have to want to do whatever it takes.
Now what I do when I think of drinking at one and a quarter years sober? I simply remember that I will never be a slave again to a substance. I remember how I am a non-drinker now and satisfied with that. However I have found that I do have power over sobriety. That is the flip side of being powerless over alcohol dontcha think? I am under the influence literally with alcohol in my system thus not sober. But I can, when sober, choose never to drink again. Ever. That isn't being powerful over alcohol, I am powerless there. But the point is moot as sober, I have the power to stay sober. AA worked for what I needed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Welcome! I use a book of daily meditations to quell bad thoughts and cravings. I think it through to the horrible consequences. I challenge my addictive voice - "How does this thought or belief serve my best interest?". I use coping statements "this feeling will eventually pass; It's hard, but not too hard. I use positive affirmations "I'm going to treasure my sobriety" "I can accept myself" . I use reframing or looking at the situation from another angle or another person's viewpoint and look at the benefits of choosing not to engage in the addictive behavior. I use Rational-Emotive Imagery by imagining myself behaving or feeling differently about the situation. I make a list of my blessings. I love your idea of reciting the serenity prayer before you go to bed. I also try meditating and exercise to improve my mood. I journal and that helps a lot too.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
Welcome!
I think that investing a couple of hours a week in a 12 step program would be a good start. You can explain to your wife why you feel it is important, maybe she could go to Al Anon or something. Throwing a $1 in the basket at a meeting is a lot cheaper that $125 an hour for martial counseling and might be just as benefical. I think it's worth a shot.
And keep coming back to SR, it's free here and available 24/7.
I think that investing a couple of hours a week in a 12 step program would be a good start. You can explain to your wife why you feel it is important, maybe she could go to Al Anon or something. Throwing a $1 in the basket at a meeting is a lot cheaper that $125 an hour for martial counseling and might be just as benefical. I think it's worth a shot.
And keep coming back to SR, it's free here and available 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I'd have to agree with Itchy and Zebra...first of all, Welcome ppaasshh. Great you're here. Get back into your old patterns of sobriety if it worked the first time. Sounds like you are anxious and missing a piece of the sobriety puzzle. You need to fill that void with meditation, reading, meetings, socializing...something.
I find that sticking around here at SR is a great anxiety chaser. I light my candles, get a big bowl of ice cream, turn on the radio, and chillax.
I find that sticking around here at SR is a great anxiety chaser. I light my candles, get a big bowl of ice cream, turn on the radio, and chillax.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi and welcome ppaasshh
I can't help with the marriage advice but I have found these links on Urge Surfing useful for cravings:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
I can't help with the marriage advice but I have found these links on Urge Surfing useful for cravings:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: IL now
Posts: 218
Originally Posted by ppaasshh 
Yes...we're considering seeing a couples therapist however at 125$ an hour they don't come cheap...and even though we both work, we don't make nearly enough to foot that bill without sacrificing groceries, gas, heating bills etc.
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