wingedlioness

First, I apologize for the length, please hear me out before you judge. I did not intend for any of this to happen but it did and I need to decide what the best course of action is.

About 2 weeks ago I met a man, because he had a puppy that needed vet attention and this is an area (homeless & low-income people with companion animals) i have done a lot of work in.

He was living at a "sober living" house at the time after losing his apt. and rescuing the dog from the crack addicts next door. He then spent 5 days on the street before he found this place that would take him and his new puppy (2 month old).

I made arrangements for a low cost vet and agreed to transport them and cover the cost for first visit.

The Sober living kicked him out on the morning of the Vet appointment, according to him because of the dog. I offered to store his belongings in my side shed, By the time we were done at Vet it was getting late and I couldn't put him out on the street and offered my porch which is covered and has a couch... explicit that it was a very temp. fix, couple days at most.

Over the weekend (it was a friday night) we got to talking, we are the same age, and discovered we had a lot in common...Long story short, I got to liking him and finally gave in to my heart against my own better judgment...

I did however tell him he had to stabilize and that drug use (he's a former crack & meth user) was a 100% no go. By the end of the week he (on his own) arranged a 90 day in-patient program and he is there now. All good...

Last night i discovered some money missing from a tin I keep for "fun-funds". The program he is in doesn't allow any contact with outside till after 14 days. so i can't ask him about it...

I'm distraught that he would steal from me, I get it he's an addict. My head says: walk away now. My heart is not so sure, I just can't accept (?) that it was all just a manipulation (?).

At what point do you accept that it's the disease not the person, at what point do you walk away because its part of who they are?

Please, I need some advice.

suki44883

What 90 day in-patient program did he arrange? How did he pay for it? Yeah, there are tons of red flags here.

He is an addict and addicts lie and steal and manipulate. You have known him only for 2 weeks. That isn't long enough to fall in love with someone or to even begin to know them. I say cut your losses and be done with it.

lesliej

my sister always says we ask for advice when we know the answer...otherwise we wouldn't be asking. it sounds to me like you are maybe a little lonely. my brother the musician used to say that he dressed a little scuffy because women wanted to take him home and clean him up as their own...kind of like a stray puppy.

I know that when I met my ex ABF there were all kinds of reasons that I wanted to be with him. there is now one reason that I do not want to be with him. and the same reason why he should not be in a relationship...for now, for a good sturdy chunk of time.

when I met him he had been around the recovery scene so long that he told me that waiting a year wasn't the deal...he claimed "cumulative time" in recovery, well twenty years should count for something right? LOL

the truth is I wanted him for myself. I thought I got the bargain deal, clean him up, show him a little support, some love, some good recovery and he would be just like new! an excellent project for me...and I had been lucky enough to discover this diamond in the rough...

it's rough going.
be prepared to do lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lot of WORK.

he is homeless. he stole from you. he is in verrrrrrrrry early recovery.
not really relationship material from this perspective
been there done that
now I just pray for his recovery and love him from a distance.
its peaceful, and my life is great.

outtolunch

Back in my early 20's ( a long time ago) I had an apartment that overlooked the garbage area associated with a pizza place and bar. I noticed a man and his dog that used to dumpster dive each morning. I would occasionally make the guy a sandwhich and leave it for him. In turn, he would leave me " a find" from one of the dumpsters. We never met or spoke but were very aware of eachother. He eventually diasappeared. I have not thought about him, in decades. Anyhoo....

So this homeless guy picks up a stray puppy and you pick up a stray man. Well, at least he was not a serial killer....

Maybe it's time to use your head instead of your emotions. Calling him in rehab, assuming he is even in rehab, serves what purpose?

wingedlioness

Thanks ya'll. Yes, I know...
It just sucks.

I know 10 days is not long but 10 days almost 24-7 together can develop in to feelings. I'm just disappointed, I wanted a different outcome. and i'm a little concerned about his reaction when I brake it off, i know I am not responsible for him but i do feel like I made some unhealthy choices that will affect his recovery... Should I call his Councillor at the program? he's on parole so his PO got him in, paid for via the dept. of Corrections

Any advice on how to talk to him about this? / protect myself?

Thanks for letting me share, I have a good support system but sometimes you need non-involved people to hear the truth...

tbeit

How do you know he's not a serial killer? My opinion is you dont know this guy or anything about him please be very careful. One thing you do know is you are missing money and the only person (?) who was in your house is an active addict.

suki44883

Your choices will not affect his recovery, IF he is even in recovery. I have my doubts. Knowing someone 10 days who is an addict, on parole, and has obviously stolen money from you is one of the biggest honkin' red flags I can imagine.

Please don't get messed up with this guy. Let it go. Don't call him. Don't call his counselor, don't call his PO. This guy is NOT relationship material and if by some change he really is in recovery, he won't be relationship material for a long, long time. Save yourself a lot of heartache and misery and cut that cord now.

DarrenW

Sorry, but if this was a movie script I couldnt foresee a positive ending. My goodness, you haven't known him long, he is on parole, he is at an in patient rehab facility, was homeless, was willing to get kicked out of a sober living residence because of a dog he recently found, you had money missing.....am I missing something here? He probably got the dog to help him hook someone like you.

Lioness, I dont know you, but I would bet you could do much better.

useyourwords

Ahhhhh so sorry lioness!! I worked for years in homeless outreach (I am a social worker) so I relate and appreciate that you wanted to help this guy and his dog (I also am a dog lover and have my own rescue dog, so I am feeling for you all over the place here!)

All that being said, I stand firmly on team cut-your-losses. I'd be glad you realized these issues after two weeks, when you can still get out, rather than after a mortgage, marriage, or child!

Nothing you have done in these 2 weeks has impacted his addiction/recovery. You have nothing to do with his recovery. Seriously. Nothing. We can't control it. We can't cure it. My humble opinion: Pack up his stuff and ship it to him. If you gave him a key to your house, change the locks. Do not call his counselor, do not talk to him about it, say a prayer for him, and don't look back.

Sorry, wow I re-read and this sounds harsh. I was going to try to "soften" it up, but honestly from my own experiences (personal and professional) these are the only suggestions I can give in good faith. I would view these red flags so early as a blessing. Please take care! You are clearly a good person with a good heart. You deserve better.

wingedlioness

****. (is cursing here ok?) Good advice all around.

I guess in my attempt to condense the story I left out some details....

Ya'll are right, I don't know much about him, I have had some limited confirmation of his story and contact with his mom whom also cut him off recently, after suporting him through community college.my guess is he relapsed and "smoked" the rent money she provided.

He is not serial killer or a violent person. Nor is he a bad man, he is broken and very down in life partly because of his addiction, which started at age 15...partly because of his choices.

Of all the very together men i have met in the 4 years I have been single he is the most compassionate, has made me laugh the most and has understood me the most (all could be exceptional manipulation, yes - agreed)

I guess part of this is my need to believe that we can live in a world where people overcome their circumstances, where we do take strangers in and we help others out. I do have to say that I have immense respect for anyone willing to give up housing for their dog/animal companion.

I'm not stupid, i do understand i probably got totally taken for, here. I can't hope but want it not to be true. Although it would appear there is no hope for that hey?!?

the good news is he's in program for 90days and I leave next week (before his 14days no contact are up) out of the country for a month. I don't know, maybe I'll get a Christmas miracle...

Wait, I'm jewish...does that still work? (kidding!)

hello-kitty

ummmm.... hmmm... good luck with that.

lesliej

I know that my bipolar ex ABF is a great guy. I also know he tried really really really hard to make up for the "deficit" of being an addict. It isn't that they aren't good guys, but when you don't have any "thing" to offer ye better start singing for your dinner.
when mom has cut you off, sle has booted you, you don't have a dime and if you do it's spent on drugs, and really the only thing you have is a shed someone has loaned and a PO...guess what, you're going to be REALLY nice to a woman who gives you a bed and a body. jeez.
how many times did he tell you you were beautiful?
did he tell you he loved you?

YearForMe

Please don't set the bar so low for yourself.

We date to see what the other person brings to the relationship.

He brings nothing but addiction and stealing. That is what you are settling for.
Want better for yourself.

....while you are wasting your time on this guy and all of his "baggage".....the really great guy will pass you by.

If this guy gets it together and keeps it together...without you.....
for a year or more....then maybe.....but not now.

Hanna

The fact is, without him, the puppy would probably have a home in a snap.
There's a reason he's out on the street and whether you can ask him or not you know exactly where your money went. He's not lamenting his life "partly because of his choices," he's where he is exactly because of his choices. A stranger telling him otherwise is only keeping him one more step away from his bottom, and one step closer to the worst outcome.

He is probably a wonderful person, but he's still an addict.

fenestra

My perspective is that he gave up living in a sober house without any means to support himself, much less a puppy. That doesn't make sense to me because I would think someone serious about recovery would make a different choice. (Also, I'm puzzled as to why he was initially allowed the puppy but then not. I personally suspect he was asked to leave for a different reason entirely.)

I'm sorry if you already said, but where is the puppy now? (I'm sure if he is in rehab, the puppy is not with him. So, in essence, he "rescued" the puppy not so he could take care of it, but so that another person could. Whoever this other person is...that's the real rescuer.)

I have a pup myself...so, tbh, this really isn't about the puppy. I am just trying to point out the way you frame his choices and actions doesn't seem to be taking into account the real meaning behind them, at least from my perspective.

Best to you...

lauren

Something that I've come to know with my son the addict...is that
you "must" believe that which is right in front you. If the money is
missing.."believe" that he took it..if he is homeless "believe" that it
is because he chooses this lifestyle.

My naive nature always had me questioning and wondering until I
"believed" that it was his way, what addicts do and I was only a
means to an end. It is a hard reality but it is the only final picture
of someone, mother or other that supplies the need at the moment.

I wish you well.

Believe in yourself. You cannot trust or imagine what another person
may have up their sleeve. Actions speak loudly..believe that and you
will find the ending of your story as what it is, not what we want to
imagine is better. it is always up to author whether we like it or not.
He is writing his own story, write you own as well.

Trust yourself.

lauren

fenestra

Lauren, thank you for this post.

I, too, am learning what it means to trust myself. My alcoholic mom is so convincing sometimes...I could look at and see the blue sky and she would try to convince me that it is orange. In other words, in my relationship with her, I am often doubting or second-guessing my own eyes, perceptions, intuition, thinking...discernment.

I am learning not to do that anymore, and I hope wingedlioness will also earn to trust her own eyes, ears, and perceptions. It's important to see what the situation actually is instead of what we hope it to be.

Ann

My son is one of the most charming, sweet, kind, well-mannered men you could ever meet...and I pray you don't because he'll break your heart after he robs you blind....said with love from a mama.

I don't like to tell anyone whether to stay or go, but sweetie, a few weeks does not make a relationship and if I were your mama I would tell you to run for the hills.

It may hurt now, but you will heal. What you see as a wonderful man today and the way you picture this story to go forward is all an illusion. He is an active addict who stole from you and who you really know very little about.

Before you decide what to do, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and read several threads from people who invested years into a relationship with an active addict...and then, if it all looks familiar, run for the hills.

Hugs

Charon

I would be willig to bet anything (except my sobriety) that what he said aren't could be lies, but absolutely positively were lies. That's what addicts do - even when they don't have to lie, even when there is no reason to lie. Hit the ground running and don't look back.

lesliej

"I guess part of this is my need to believe that we can live in a world where people overcome their circumstances, where we do take strangers in and we help others out. I do have to say that I have immense respect for anyone willing to give up housing for their dog/animal companion."

WE do take strangers in...treatment facilites, sober living environments and shelters...yes WE do live in that world....WE DO help others out...by NOT enabling addicts to continue their suffering by sheltering them from the consequences of their own choices!!! He, I guarantee it (!!!), did NOT give up housing for that puppy. he was kicked out I am sure.

" I'm not stupid, i do understand i probably got totally taken for, here. I can't hope but want it not to be true. Although it would appear there is no hope for that hey?!?

the good news is he's in program for 90days and I leave next week (before his 14days no contact are up) out of the country for a month. I don't know, maybe I'll get a Christmas miracle..."

IF he finds recovery it WILL be a miracle...but it's not YOUR miracle (christian, jewish, whatever you want to label it) IF he finds recovery...the first steps on a long hard lifelong road to recovering HIS spirit it will NOT be your miracle.

that's not stupid, that is selfish.
harsh, I'm sorry.