ownedbypugs

Do you tell friends, family, co-workers, etc. about your addict child, SO, etc. I feel guilty for feeling like this, but, I am embarrassed to admit to certain people about my son. I have told one close friend, my boss knows, and my brother and his wife know. Beyond that, I have told no one. Part of me doesn't want other people to have a bad impression of him, but, I know also that any thing anyone else thinks is in direct relation to what he did.

Ann

If sharing my story, or details of my son's addiction, I am selective and choose only people I trust and in whom I can confide. This would be people at meetings and a few close friends, and some family.

That said, it can be awkward when people ask me if I have any children or ask about my family. I often just say "I have a foster son who is lost in addiction somewhere, but we don't hear from him."

Sometimes they press for more details, and I just say "It's not something I am comfortable discussing".

Sometimes they feel bad they asked, and I add "It's okay, I have learned to deal with this and just don't discuss it much."

Sometimes they say "My brother/niece/sister/whoever is an addict and we are going through a really bad time with that." To them I usually say, "If you want to have lunch one day I can share a little of what helped me." That leaves it up to them if they want to discuss it further and keeps me in my "comfort zone".

I used to be dumbfounded when people asked those kinds of questions, but mostly they were just being friendly and not nosy so a simple answer was all that was needed.

Hope this helps a little.

Hugs

Ilovemysonjj

At first, I was so ashamed of our son and what happened (since we had him arrested), and when people would come over, we would tell them that he moved out and lived on his own. Only our very close friends know what happened. At some point, the Facebook community of my son found out he was in jail, so his friends all know. Some of our friends may have heard about it from their kids, we dont talk about it. I opened up to my boss and a few trusted coworkers during the despair of when he was first in jail. It is actually nice because I am also able to share the current good place we are in.
It really comes down to your comfort level in talking about it and accepting what your child is doing. It isn't about YOU. You did not cause it, cure it and can't control it. I also found in sharing that some other parents opened up and said they were dealing with the same thing. Addiction lives in darkness, when the light shines on it, we get stronger in our faith.

useyourwords

Ugh, just lost a long post /c my computer crashed!

Here is the gist -- I went for several of painful years being very embarassed of my sister's addiction and I didn't tell anyone about it. Other than family, I pretty much discussed it with no one. Not even my boyfriend. The reasons were those I am sure many of us have felt -- embarassed, not sure how people will react, not wanting me, my sister, or my family to be judged, etc.

One day 7ish years ago a coworker who I barely knew at all mentioned that her brother was an addict. It was a revelation -- this educated, competant, professional woman very comfortably talking about addiction in her family. I felt so relieved to be able to share my own experience with her knowing that she would understand and would not judge. She was much further along in her own recovery than I could ever imagine being -- she introduced me to the idea of meetings, codependency, etc.

I share now because to this day I am so grateful that she shared with me and for the first time gave me the opportunity to open up and introduced me to the idea that there was support out there, and hope for me I also share because I know that addiction happens to amazing people, from amazing families, and it touches hundreds of thousands of people. I am not doing service to anyone by treating it like a dirty secret. I am shocked by how many people, when they learn about my sister, then feel comfortable sharing with me about addicts in their own lives, or their own hx of addiction.

Does everyone relate? No, of course not! Is everyone supportive? No, but my experience is the vast majority of people are. And those in my life who aren't, who judge or just generally suck about it, well that gives me more understanding of them and I let it go. So many people will encounter addiction in someone they care about at some point in their lives, and even those people who judge now may someday also feel a little less alone remembering that they once knew a regular-old-person who had a regular-old-sister who was an addict.

My sister knew/knows I am honest about it, and she is too. My mom, less so but she is coming around. It is what it is -- shame and silence never got me anywhere, whereas I found and gave support in places I never thought I would once I started being honest. Just my experience; I will say I have a thicker skin and bigger mouth than some, so that has probably helped me when there have been people that were crappy about it

dollydo

If someone asked me, I told them the truth, I deal my cards straight up, to me, the truth is the only way to go. Bearing the shame, to me, is easier than bearing the pain.

On top of that, I am old, I have halfhimzers disease, I can only remember half, not worth trying to lie or avoid the truth.

Just my two cents.

mayabee

It really depends on the person who's asking. A dad I know from Naranon once suggested using something generic like, "He's still figuring some things out - you know how it is with kids that age". For closer friends, I am honest about my son's addiction. One time a neighbor asked and for some reason I felt like I could be open. I'd always thought this neighbor had the perfect life - she and her husband are both professionasl, 3 smart and talented kids, etc. When I opened up she confided that their oldest had been struggling with various addictions. I'd had no idea, and we became closer friends because of being able to share openly. I try to respect my son's privacy as much as possible and try to be judicious in what I say and whom I say it to. I use Naranon for most open discussions of what's going on.

hope213

i do not discuss my son with people. i am a really hard person to get to know, i have never trusted people in general. addiction is so wide spread now than it was 23 yrs ago. (that is how long my son has been an addict..) i learned not to tell people. they judge to much. i do not tell them anything personal about me. i have 2 sons, 1 daughter & i am married. i talk about my birds more than my family life. that is just me!!

ownedbypugs

With the holidays coming up, I anticipate someone asking about my son. He will be going straight from rehab to a halfway house this Friday. Some of my husband's family can be a little judgemental, and I will probably skirt around the issue with them. They would act concerned, but, after I left they would talk about it in a gossipy way, so I would just as soon not tell them.

I am planning to attend a Naranon meeting this Friday. Can you tell me what to expect.

mayabee

I've attended meetings of 2 different Nar-anon groups - both use same general format. At my home group, we open with the Serenity Prayer. Whoever is the chairperson reads a general introduction about Naranon and a welcome to newcomers. and we go around and introduce ourselves, first names only. Then we take turns reading from the Naranon pamphlet - selections can vary - topics include "The Family", "Helping", "About Addiction", "Changing Ourselves". We take turns reading the 12 steps. Then the meeting is opened up for discussion. The chairperson or someone else may suggest a topic. but if someone has something else they want to talk about that's fine. There is no "cross talk" - no interrupting someone or giving advice or engaging in a dialogue. No one has to speak unless they are comfortable doing so - it's fine to just pass. We pass a basket for contributions to pay for literature, coffee, etc. Newcomers are told to let the basket pass them by. We always ask at the end if there are any "burning desires" in case someone really needs to speak but hadn't gotten the chance to. We close in a circle with the Serenity Prayer again, and afterwards people hang out a bit and chat, if they want to. We share a phone list and encourage newcomers to add their names if they want to and to call anyone on the list. At my first meetimg, I said my name and that was it - I wasn't ready to share although I did shed some tears. It's ok to cry if you feel like it - there is always Kleenex - talk or not as you need to.

Our situations may differ in the details - maybe the addict in our lives is a spouse , maybe a child or a sibling - and their drugs of choice may vary- but our stories are so similar overall. Going to Nar-anon got me out of my isolation. It's sad that there are so many families touched by addiction, but it is comforting to be able to be honest with people who understand.

butterfligh

Dear ownedbypugs,

When my son was in rehab or at an SLE, I would just say, "He's living in <whatever city the rehab/sle was in> now."

Now that we are not in contact, I have told a few people close to me, the truth...to others I have just said that he is going through a tough time right now. There are certain family members who know and some who don't. It is not anyone's business and you are not required to explain it all. But I do agree with others who have posted, when I do decide to tell someone the truth, it is so liberating.