TitiEmily

I got a phone call from the primary counselor for my son (17-years-old and in his second week at residential rehab) tonight. This was the first time she and I had ever spoken, and we talked for several minutes, about several different fairly significant and emotionally laden topics, before she told me that I was on speakerphone and my son was in the room!!!!!! I am SO ANGRY that she did this...and, of course, my son was FURIOUS with me about some of what I said. (I didn't say anything to her that I wouldn't say to my son, but I definitely would have worded things differently, and been more tactful of his feelings, if I knew he was listening.)

This is actually my foster son, and he has ALWAYS said that I talk too much and need to learn to just keep my mouth shut...because I do terrible things like tell his social worker what is really going on with him, speak up honestly in family counseling sessions, and, the worst betrayal of all, tell his court advocate that he is using drugs.

So, he has a medical appointment and a meeting with his foster care case planner next Friday. His primary counselor asks me, while I don't know that my son can hear me, about the appointment and if I can escort him. I say yes, but they should reinforce to him that this is about him coming to an appointment and then returning right afterwards to his drug treatment program, it is not about him using the day to run around the city and do whatever he wants, because I am sure this is what my son has planned.

Well, as you can imagine, my son did NOT like that AT ALL. He calls me later screaming at me, telling me I talk too much, I always think I know what is best for him but I don't have any idea and I just wind up hurting him, I'm going to get him locked up, he doesn't think this relationship is going to work, he can't trust me at all, he told me to leave him alone and not be involved with his treatment, I obviously don't listen to anything he says, all I do is mess him up, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, all he wants is a couple hours of freedom and how dare I try to mess that up for him, etc. etc.

I am SO BAD at handling this kind of thing!! I am embarrassed to admit that I didn't just tell him I am not going to listen to him scream at me, and he can call me back if he wants to have a civil conversation with me, and hang up on him. Instead, I stayed on the phone through all of this, trying to reason with him. I told him that, if I am responsible for him, then no, he cannot disappear for hours and think that I will just keep my mouth shut about it. I told him that it is his own actions that will get him locked up or not. I told him that yes, we have a trust problem, and that if this relationship is going to work, we are going to have to put some effort into working through these issues. I told him that our relationship cannot just be him asking me for things and telling me what to do, and me giving him things and letting him do whatever he wants and keeping my mouth shut. I told him I'm sorry he is so angry, and that I really do love him. Of course it was all a waste of breath...he didn't hear anything I had to say, or else had a comeback for all of it.

After I hung up the phone I just cried and cried. Partly because it is hurtful for him to say the things he says to me. And partly because I am ANGRY. Angry at myself, for not being able to handle this better. Angry at his counselor, for not telling me immediately that I was on speakerphone and my son was in the room. But mostly angry at my son. How dare he call me and tell me, after everything that I have done for him, that if I'm not going to help him manipulate and cheat and get around the rules, then he doesn't need me in his life?? That I am good for nothing else? That I am nothing but hurtful and problematic to him? HE is nothing but hurtful and problematic to ME! He doesn't want me involved in his life? Fine! I'm out!

Yes, intellectually, I realize that I am talking about an addict, and this is what they do, and that I am being ridiculous to expect anything else from him. But emotionally, it still hurts.

I am at the very, very beginning of my own recovery, just as he is at the very, very beginning of his. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night...at this point, I feel like I am so screwed up that I need residential Al-Anon while he is in residential rehab!

Thanks for letting me vent...I am sure that, to those of you who have been around awhile, I sound like a complete incompetent idiot, but please try to be gentle...I don't know how to do this yet.

Impurrfect

Sweetie, you don't sound like an incompetent idiot by a long shot. Personally, I agree that there should be residential al-anon for loved ones!

I don't really think it was cool for the counselor to not tell you you were on speakerphone. I would talk to a counselor differently, if I thought it was just us, too.

That being said, I think you did the best you could and you are new to this (but way ahead of where I was back in the day). He's not only an addict, he's a teenager and some of them just don't get that they can't have everything their way - and they lash out at the people who love them.

Take a deep breath, maybe a calming bubble bath or something, but give yourself a break.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lesliej

well first I think you should give the facility a call and report the incident...it is unethical and completely and totally wrong that the counselor did not get your consent for speaker phone...seriously, there needs to be a call made.

second if it was me I would write him a letter and talk all you want. that is your freedom. he doesn't have to read it, but you get to say it. and who knows maybe in some quiet corner of an afternoon he'll have a look at what you have to say. at least you'll know you spoke your truth.

third there ARE residential al anon programs. I went to a weekend program and it was great to be completely immersed for 2 1/2 days with a dozen other people. powerful, healing. I also went to a 5 day intensive codependency retreat SUPER powerful. whoa. intensive core issue stuff.

look around online. look for recovery retreats, look for weekend workshops...treat yourself to your own recovery. you deserve it.

very proud of you for standing up to the abuse and still speaking your truth...but you also have the right to NOT stand up to the abuse...to refuse the call, or to hang up. he can write you a letter if he really needs to get something off his chest...

love and peace to you. keep on keeping on in opening up to the discovery of your recovery!

357girl

are there such things as recovery retreats for loved ones? I could use one too Emily!

sojourner

See below.

sojourner

One way of handling it is calling the counselor for a one-on-one. If the counselor shows no indication of having done anything wrong then I think the administrator needs to know. That's a real breech of lots of things.

Previous to one of my sons going back to his second year of college and getting a new dormmate, he had shared with me that he was concerned about how they would get along. So after a few weeks i called him. Naturally I asked him how things were going with the new dormmate. I don't know how I worded it, but I could tell by his response that this idiot son of mine had me on speakerphone. I presume the new dormmate was in the room. I still have not forgotten that one.

kiki5711

that was just plain nasty not to tell you that you're on speaker phone. what kind of sneaky thing is that to do? now you have additional drama to deal with.

this counselor is stupid.

TitiEmily

I have been trying to call the counselor since this happened, and have left a couple voice mail messages, but have not gotten a call back. My son called me briefly tonight, just to find out if I had talked to his counselor yet; I told him no, as I have left her a couple of messages but haven't heard back from her. He said okay, he has a session with her tonight and she will probably call me then. So I immediately called his counselor and left her another message stating that I would like to have a private conversation with her, preferably before her session with my son tonight. That was just a little over an hour ago, but my suspicion is that she won't call me before the session, that she will call me again with my son in the room, and at this point I don't even trust her not to tell my son that I am asking to speak with her confidentially.

I honestly wouldn't have picked up the phone if I knew it was my son calling, but every phone call I get from his program shows up as the same number on my caller ID, so there is no way to tell if it is him or a worker from the program calling. And since I can't ever reach anyone or get anyone to return any of the messages I leave, I don't want to risk not picking up a call from his counselor. But I do wish there was a way to tell, since I would have preferred not to speak with my son at all today.

I know he was calling to check and see if his tirade the other night resulted in me doing what he wanted--telling his counselor that I will supervise his medical appointment, so that he can hang out with his friends. I did not say anything about it to him, partly because I was at work (where I have no privacy for phone calls), and partly because I just didn't have the energy to deal with another onslaught of verbal abuse. In hindsight, I probably should have told him and then hung up on him if he started to scream at me. Then he could have complained about me to his counselor during his session tonight. Oh well. Hindsight is always 20/20, right?

So now I am just sitting at home waiting for the call from the counselor and trying to prepare myself emotionally for the fallout...

JustAYak

I was a foster kid at 17 years old. I went into the system just a few months before I turned 18 so I wasn't there for very long but I do know that it was quite an adjustment and I did not trust either of my foster parents at any moment for the first month. At this point, I was in early recovery (I'm a speed addict if you couldn't get that from my username ) and after all I had just gone through, I was emotionally exhausted. I didn't want to talk to these "foreign" people who I didn't trust because in the environment I grew up in, I was trained to keep my mouth shut and stay quiet, keep my feelings to myself cause that's the only way I knew how to survive. I don't know what kind of background this kid is coming from or how long he's been in the system, but I came from a background of neglectful, abusive parents. One of them was a heroin addict. For that first month, anytime they tried to sit me down to talk for a little bit I would push them away, I would go hole up in my room and isolate. I couldn't handle it, the attention I was getting was so unusual it made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to divulge anything to them for fear that it would get back to my counselor, my insane mom, or my case worker and I would end up hurting again. Suffering consequences that I didn't feel I deserved.

They knew I was an addict and that I came from a pretty fxcked up world and looking back on it, they were respectful of my privacy and let me get comfortable on my own time, with little pushes here and there to get me out of my shell. They tried really hard to not over-do it but sometimes it just got to me and I would tell them to back off. Nobody it perfect, and I understand you are trying very hard to maintain a relationship with your son (I am very happy you call him your son by the way, that is so good to hear) but I think he is telling you to back off in a maybe not so nice way. Because he is in active addiction, this is where all the anger is coming out of. He can't think or see clearly, he just knows that he's not happy in whatever place he is in and is trying to figure it out by himself. I know what he is saying hurts you but know that he doesn't truly mean it, he is simply sick and probably more scared and afraid than you could imagine.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is to back off a little. I'm not saying that you shouldn't give a shxt about where he is or whatever, but you should know that he's not going to talk with you about anything honestly if he doesn't feel like he can trust you. Show him that you care by backing off, finding that hidden message in all the garbage he is spewing right now to just leave him be is important. I think that's where trust starts, by simply listening (not that you aren't doing that, I know you can't magically know what he is thinking, it is unreasonable to expect that from anyone). Because he is in active addiction though, it'll make it 100x harder for any relationship to form...unless he gets clean I wouldn't hold onto hope that he'll suddenly stop being an ass and start trusting you enough to start a relationship. Also, it is actually a good idea to stay out of his treatment, that is for him and him only. You may continue yours through al-anon . Continue to tell him that you love him, that can be more healing than anything.

My relationship with my foster parents is great now. I love them to death. They have always been very understanding and have cared for me in the worst of it. It just took me some time to see it. They have officially adopted my sister (my mom was deemed unfit to go back to, even after a ton of family counseling and she's not even the addict parent) so I see them often. I actually feel loved when I am with them, it's so different and I feel like they were the family I was meant to be with!

On a side note, I agree with everyone else, that counselor is totally in the wrong for not telling you that you were on speaker phone. What a nasty thing to do.

Feel free to private message me if you have any questions...I'd be happy to try and help.

outtolunch

He's been under your foster care for less than 2 years. What's the back story on this kid? How long has he been in the system?

Where did he get the money to sustain an 8-9 blunt a day habit?

JustAYak

Legally, I don't believe she is allowed to share that information. I know in certain states that foster parents have to sign an oath (or policy) of confidentiality that doesn't allow them to share information about the foster child or their family struggles outside of the agency (unless they consent to it).

TitiEmily

SpeedyJason, thank you sooooo much for sharing your story with me. It is incredibly helpful. I will PM you.

Outtolunch, he has had a very, very difficult life--basically been in some kind of foster care his entire life, although when he was younger it was with relatives. Tons of abuse, neglect, chaos, instability, living in drug and violence infested homes, multiple losses and abandonments. Most recently, was put in care by his mom, who he had only been living with for two or three years at the time, when he was 13, then something like 14 or 15 moves--between various foster families, group homes, psychiatric hospital, jail, residential treatment center--by the time he came to live with me at 16.

He was dealing drugs, which is how he got the money to support his habit, how he got arrested, and how he wound up in court-mandated residential treatment.

If my posts sound angry, it is because...well...I am angry! But I love this kid, and am committed to him, and am determined not to give up on and abandon him. I know that he is young, and scared, and hurting, and confused, and lonely, and miserable. I do TRY not to take everything he says so personally. It's not always easy to do.

But I also know that SpeedyJason makes some VERY valid points, and that I need to find a way to back off and give my son some space. I just don't know how to find the balance...but I know that letting him leave his treatment program for a medical appointment, telling his counselor that he is with me the whole time, and then allowing him to hang out on his own in the neighborhood is not the right answer.

As a side note, the counselor did NOT call me tonight.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I really appreciate all of the thoughts and insight and support so much.

TitiEmily

I did not have to sign a pledge of confidentiality, although there is certainly an expectation of such, and I wouldn't even give an outline of his story here except that it is anonymous--I am not using my name or his, not providing any identifying details, etc.

tjp613

My heart breaks for this child -- he has been institutionalized a great deal and when he wasn't in an institution, he was being handed off to one or another family. How incredibly sad. All his life he's been told he is 'broken' and not worth the trouble of loving and nurturing. TitiEmily -- I am in awe of the love and courage you show in your commitment. I can't help but believe that if you will someday get through that thick wall he has built to protect himself. All he knows is manipulation...it's how he has learned to survive. So yeah, don't be surprised that he is trying to manipulate you.

My daughter has borderline personality disorder and has recently been released from 6 months residential treatment. Every week I attended 'multi-family group' sessions and had the privilege of watching families heal over time. It was amazing to watch. There is one family that reminds me much of what you are describing with your son. A single mom of a 10 yr old adopted her little cousin...a 15 year old who had many issues and who also had been handed off many times, had been arrested many times. Oh, the mom was so beaten down with the drama, violence, drug use, verbal abuse, etc!! But she was so determined!! She suffered so much trying to get through to him that she loved him and would NEVER give up or abandon him. By the time we left treatment, he was most definitely turning the corner and showing signs of trust. He was always so quiet during our sessions. He never spoke unless the counselor addressed him directly, but I remember one night he said, "I want to trust her so badly. I've never had it so good and it's the first time ever that I think I've experienced love in my life. I want it to be real so bad I can taste it, but my heart just won't let go and my wall just won't come down." Wow. What a share. I was sobbing in my corner of the room. I wanted this family to heal so much and I think about them all the time.

I also want to say that the families in this group who seemed to experience the greatest healing are the ones who fully embraced the notion of healthy boundaries and solid recovery principles. As they say, "It works if you work it!"

I know I'm rambling and I don't really have anything to offer you. Jason's words and advice are much more meaningful because he has seen it and lived it. You should read his story sometime. He's an amazing fellow and we sure love him around here.

I just wanted to offer a hug, I guess, and some encouragement. I can't even imagine how tough it is to navigate these waters with him. It sounds to me like you are doing really well -- you are just doubting yourself because it's HARD!! ...and because he is lashing back! He is probably confusing 'boundaries' with 'rejection' and he hasn't learned they are not the same thing!

I'll pray for you both. (((((Hugs))))

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Emily, I just want to say how amazing you are to take in someone, love them as your own, and now just like all of the other parents here, learn how to detach with love. Your story is inspiring and Speedy Jason has given some tremendous insight! Keep in mind, even "normal" teenagers (if there is such a thing!) are rebellious and headstrong, I have two right now who keep me on my toes daily. Your strengh, love and commitment will help your son understand in time. Best of love and prayers going your way,
Teresa

JustAYak

I was lucky enough not to be moved more than once (granted I wasn't going to be there for long anyway) and that I was placed with my sister. We were moved from emergency foster care (kind of like a group home for a few days) to a real foster family. My sister did get moved once more after that, and I know it took a toll on her, but she got moved back with our original foster parents when she got adopted by them. She was very wary of her new foster parents after she got moved and didn't like them at all... I can't really imagine how it must have been to be moved and feel so unwanted by such a great magnitude of families, but I know how it feels to unwanted by your biological family and I think that that would hurt the most out of all. When we just got into foster care, I felt like I was put on auction or something. I was thinking that Nobody really wanted me except for these people who get a tax break (I soon found out that's not really how it worked, just what I thought at the time). It sounds like he's had a tough life and it's going to take a LONG time to get to a place where he is going to feel safe and not like he's just going to be booted onto the next place. It's a shame that that is how the foster care system works...it really can screw someone up.

While I was in foster care, I did have a breakdown of sorts, I stayed in a psych hospital for a couple weeks (I went willingly) because I was suicidal and just could not take it anymore. Not even drugs would take away or mask my pain. There were so many overwhelming things going on and I was having trouble handling it by myself but I felt like there was no one I could turn to or trust. I imagine that your son is feeling the same (not the suicidal part) and that there is just no way out. That he is trapped and nothing good will ever come out of his life or happen to him. He has been through so many negative experiences that the possibility of being optimistic is non-existant. I am sure his life just seems hopeless right now so he is trying to live it out while he can, and perhaps the drugs still mask the pain for him. To me, it doesn't sound like he's hit his bottom yet... but the fact that he chose treatment over jail is a good sign. Of course, I have no way of knowing what he is truly feeling or thinking, only he knows that.

I am POSITIVE that everything inside of him is screaming "Help me" but that will never show. Judging by what he grew up in, I bet he was taught to stuff his feelings too because otherwise he'd suffer unjust consequences.

I think you're right, you need to carry on your motherly duties to provide and care for him, you do have a right to know where he is and what he is doing, and you should not lie for him (good boundary), but you do not have the right to know what he is thinking and feeling.

In your original post you said:
No, those things are not wrong or terrible in your own head (or in other healthy peoples' minds) but from my own experience, I hated it whenever somebody tried to impose their assumptions about what I was thinking or feeling upon me because unless I had told them, there was no way for them to know and it was unfair for them to make the assumption that I was angry or sad or whatever. It made me feel like they didn't care about listening to me because they thought they already knew me. And if their assumptions were completely wrong, it made me feel even worse because in my head I thought it showed me how little they were listening and that the didn't care at all about me. Obviously, that was not the case, they were listening and they did care, but I had been through so many instances where I had not been listened to nor cared about by my own family, that I didn't know what it was like to be listened to and cared about. I didn't understand that their assumptions of how I was feeling or what I was thinking actually meant that they were trying to help and they wanted to know more about me, I took it as the opposite. I took it as ignorance. I recall a time when we were all eating at the dinner table and my foster parents looked at me and said, "What's going on? You look sad." I immediately got up from the dinner table and shouted at them that they had no idea how I felt and they couldn't tell that just by looking at me (along with some other rotten things that I regret saying)...and stormed off. Yeah, I was a handful for a while.... I did eventually understand that they truly did care, it just took me a very long time in therapy to understand that and I still have a long way to go.

Finding the balance between space and still setting boundaries can be tricky. I guess I am talking about giving him space in the emotional realm. My inference is that he wants to be able to trust you, but he's pushing you away because he's scared he'll be moved again and that that relationship he'll have started forming with you will be torn to shreds in an instant, so he's thinking what's the point? I could be wrong, and I bet a lot of his anger with you is just his addict speaking. You do have to be firm in that respect, don't allow drugs in the house, don't give him money, etc. etc. Addicts are manipulative and cruel in so many ways and I am sorry you are having to deal with it, but good on you for not giving up on him. In my opinion, no person is hopeless unless they're dead.

I'm sorry this was such a long post...

hope213

you are an angel just to b a foster mom. my addict grandson has been in so many foster homes & group homes after he went thru every family memeber. he was here with me when he was 14 about 8 months before he chose to leave because he disabeyed the rules & i tiold him he could not use the phone for 3 days. i was not his legal guardian so he left. you both are in my prayers. do not let him be rude to you. expect respect!! let him know u love him & are there for him but it is a two way street. back off & listen & wait to see if he does get clean & stay that way. it is a rough road with an addict. take care & let us know how things are.

outtolunch

What he said...just good stuff.