OwlFeathers

Christmas is coming, and once again I have the dilema of what to get AD for a present. Over the past several yrs of dealing with addiction, it has got harder to do, because half the stuff I get her gets either stolen from her "friends" or, I suspect, she sells it. Last yr I got her some nice warm shirts. They are gone.
This yr she is facing court, probably in Jan, it hasn't been decided yet, and will most likely go to jail. Meaning anything I get her will be left where ever she has it and gone when she gets out.
I am thinking of getting some clothes for her again and telling her could we please keep it at our house until her court comes and goes so that if she goes to jail, it will be here for her to take when she gets out.
Her sister will be here too, and of course, she will have presents. I know Christmas isnt all about presents, but just can't not give AD nothing, and then something for everyone else.
I am sure there is an easy solution to this that I am not seeing. So, any advice is welcome. Thanks.

OwlFeathers

in rereading this I see it probably doesn't even seem like it should be a problem, but it really does destress me.

dollydo

A nice card and a box of christmas cookies. Other than that, whatever you give her will be sold or traded for drugs.

You can always buy her clothes after she does her time, maybe jail will straighten her out.

Ann

It's a good and valid question, Owl, I faced this dilemma many times, and yes, it seemed that anything I gave my son was sold/stolen/lost/gone in a very short time.

I learned to be selective, spending only what was affordable and comfortable for me and then let go of what happened to it. I stuck to necessities, underwear, a warm shirt or sweatshirt, boots, gloves, scarf...winter street survival gear where we lived and then maybe a gift card to a coffee shop for a small amount.

If your daughter is facing jail time, maybe a couple of good books and a journal, or something that may help her while she is there.

Or treat her to getting her hair cut/done or a day at a beauty salon with you too...you get to share the day and can pay when you both are finished rather than anything pre-paid. Maybe make it for your other daughter too and it can be a "girls day" and fun.

These are just a few ideas, but I hope they help.

And like I said earlier in this post, let go of the outcome. If she sells, she sells, and does without. The gift is no less heart-felt.

Whatever you decide, try to just enjoy the holidays. They can be tough times emotionally, but having a plan in place for peace and love can make them easier.

Hugs

NoGround

OwlSong,

Look at this thread for a past discussion about Christmas presents:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...mas-gifts.html

On p. 2 of the thread, Ann hits the nail on the head IMO, when she says this: "[G]ive from your heart and use your head and you'll probably do just fine. The addict will use or not use, regardless of what we give them . . . ."

outtolunch

Consider making a donation in her name to the Salvation Army along with some cookies or candy.

Justfor1

Maybe offer to put some money "on the books" for her when she goes to jail. Just like a couple of weeks or something. She will probably be able to purchase a sweatshirt, extra socks ect.. in jail. It can get very cold in jail especially during the winter season.

Ilovemysonjj

we bought our son some warm pajamas and gave him a gift card to fast food places. This year he is in residential rehab so not sure if they even allow but if so I am going to buy him a warm jacket.

OwlFeathers

Thanks everyone. I guess I will get her some clothes, i like the idea of doing a day to get hair done, and then let her know I put the rest aside for if court does end her in jail, will put in for her to spend there, otherwise, will have for use either way.

Thanks again

Nina Kay

I very much agree with everything that Ann said in her reply to you. I definitely agree that it's stressful to try to give an active addict a gift. I used to get very upset about this every year at Birthday & Christmas times.

Personally I learned a few years ago that when I give my addict son (or anyone else) a gift, after they recieve it from me, it is no longer mine. It is theirs to do with as THEY please. I gave the gift from my heart with love & joy towards him which was my intent & that's the end of my responsibility & it's no longer my business or my problem what he does with that gift.

outtolunch

Inmates get food, clothing, shelter and opportunity while incarcerated for their crimes. Many inmates also get an opportunity to work and earn some money.

Drugs can be acquired in prison. Inclined inmates barter and trade for substances. Money on the ole account can be used to acquire things that can be traded for drugs.

Justfor1

outtolunch, one does not always get the basics in jail that people think. One jail I know of no longer issues inmates toothpaste and one has to buy it on the "books". You are issued a uniform (XXL or XXS size only) , toliet paper and a small bar of soap (not Dial, Lever, ect..). Lunch is bolongi everyday and a 4AM breakfast and 3:30PM dinner. Jail is not a playground & is not easy. But, of course, is a consequence of being an active user.

dollydo

I like the hair day, you can go together and make a fun day out of it, lunch too!

OwlFeathers

I was thinking if she goes, I could dole some in each month for her to write. I know our county jail does not allow them to bring in or have books brought in. If she ends up going to prison, I guess that is different.
I know gifts are given from the heart.
This is just a messed up thing for me. Bah. I will be better tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your ideas, insight and suggestions

Nina Kay

OwlSong,
I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. This IS a really messed up thing. Yes it is.
I think that you're ideas here sound really good & also practical. I really do understand how frustrating this is & so depressing that we have to think about all of this while just trying to get our children some Christmas presents. It's supposed to be a fun thing. I'm just so sorry that you're having to go through all of this right now. **************{Caring Hugs}}}}}}}}