Where do I start??? Please help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Where do I start??? Please help
I am not a parent of a drug addict but a big sister. My brother has been involved with drugs for the last nine years that I know of. It began with smoking marijuana, then taking prescription pain pills and drinking and now we are not sure what he is doing. We have noticed sores on his body that won't heal and have caught him taking a spoon into the bathroom. My dad found a plate and knife under his bed and we have also found straws. My mother, my sister and myself have all tried to confront him on the matter but he claims he is only smoking weed. I know he has admitted to me that he takes Xanax, he is big into opiates and downers.
The problem has escalated over the past year, he passes out in random places and sometimes will be in the bathroom for hours. I haven't noticed track marks but he wears long sleeves every day. I now have two children and am terrified for their well being when he is around. He has told me he has stolen from drug dealers so I worry about retaliation. He is constantly losing things when he is high, including his drugs, which worries me my children will find them. Two of his friends have overdosed in the past year so I know it is way past due for us to try and get him treatment.
When we try talking to him he is in complete denial he has a problem, which I am aware is normal. But we are so lost...we are very concerned about him but I have no idea where to go from here. I wanted to try an intervention but I know he will feel cornered and ganged up on and will not respond well. I though about finding a recovering addict or someone that has lost a family member to their drug addiction to talk to him. I feel like he needs a reality check. The problem is he is almost 22 so we can not force him to go to treatment so I feel like opening his eyes to the reality of what he is doing might be a better avenue to take to try and lead him towards treatment.
If anyone can give any advice it would be greatly appreciated. And if you have any ideas what it sounds like he might be on please share. I am terrified he will end up dead any day now.
The problem has escalated over the past year, he passes out in random places and sometimes will be in the bathroom for hours. I haven't noticed track marks but he wears long sleeves every day. I now have two children and am terrified for their well being when he is around. He has told me he has stolen from drug dealers so I worry about retaliation. He is constantly losing things when he is high, including his drugs, which worries me my children will find them. Two of his friends have overdosed in the past year so I know it is way past due for us to try and get him treatment.
When we try talking to him he is in complete denial he has a problem, which I am aware is normal. But we are so lost...we are very concerned about him but I have no idea where to go from here. I wanted to try an intervention but I know he will feel cornered and ganged up on and will not respond well. I though about finding a recovering addict or someone that has lost a family member to their drug addiction to talk to him. I feel like he needs a reality check. The problem is he is almost 22 so we can not force him to go to treatment so I feel like opening his eyes to the reality of what he is doing might be a better avenue to take to try and lead him towards treatment.
If anyone can give any advice it would be greatly appreciated. And if you have any ideas what it sounds like he might be on please share. I am terrified he will end up dead any day now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Right now he is living with my mom...well he has been living there for the past year. He stayed here with us at our house for about a month but when I started asking a lot of questions and pestering him about getting a job he went back to my moms.
As far as a job, for the last year he keeps telling us that he has gone to interviews and puts in applications but nothing ever comes of them...so I think he is just telling us that to get us off his back for a little while. He uses anything and everything he can as an excuse not to work. He had gotten a job about eight months ago and on his first day he got to work and had a seizure. This is the second seizure he has had in the last year and the third in his lifetime. The hospital ran a drug test and he tested positive for opiates. He then saw a specialist who said it was a random occurrence he doesn't have epilepsy or any other seizure related disorder. So now he uses the seizures as an excuse not to work.
As far as a job, for the last year he keeps telling us that he has gone to interviews and puts in applications but nothing ever comes of them...so I think he is just telling us that to get us off his back for a little while. He uses anything and everything he can as an excuse not to work. He had gotten a job about eight months ago and on his first day he got to work and had a seizure. This is the second seizure he has had in the last year and the third in his lifetime. The hospital ran a drug test and he tested positive for opiates. He then saw a specialist who said it was a random occurrence he doesn't have epilepsy or any other seizure related disorder. So now he uses the seizures as an excuse not to work.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Ok, to me, here is the skinny...your family is enabling him, allowing him to live rent free is enabling, plus he is getting money for drugs from somewhere or someone.
Until the enabling and codependency ends, nothing will change, nothing will improve.
If it were me, I'd give him a two week notice, get a job, start paying room & board or leave.
And, there will be NO drug use in my home, if you use, you are out today, now, right this miniute.
The family dynamics are not helping him, they are infact hindering him, he will never seek recovery as long as he babied and enabled.
I would suggest that everyone who is involved in the enabling go to Naranon meetings. I would also suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, finally, get your
hands on a copy of Codependent No More, it is a good starting point.
There is no cure for addiction, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program, that's it. There is a cure for codependency, and, there is a wealth of information at your fingertips, right here on this forum.
You have taken the first step, you cannot help him, his recovery is up to him...unless he is allowed to fall to his knees, he will never have a chance to get back up.
Until the enabling and codependency ends, nothing will change, nothing will improve.
If it were me, I'd give him a two week notice, get a job, start paying room & board or leave.
And, there will be NO drug use in my home, if you use, you are out today, now, right this miniute.
The family dynamics are not helping him, they are infact hindering him, he will never seek recovery as long as he babied and enabled.
I would suggest that everyone who is involved in the enabling go to Naranon meetings. I would also suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum, finally, get your
hands on a copy of Codependent No More, it is a good starting point.
There is no cure for addiction, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program, that's it. There is a cure for codependency, and, there is a wealth of information at your fingertips, right here on this forum.
You have taken the first step, you cannot help him, his recovery is up to him...unless he is allowed to fall to his knees, he will never have a chance to get back up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. I have been talking to my mom about her enabling. She is finding it really hard to dig deep and tell him these things but she knows it needs to happen.
I am in the process of finding someone for us to talk to or meetings for us all to go to.
I am in the process of finding someone for us to talk to or meetings for us all to go to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1
Hi!
I don't have a lot of advice, other then to stay strong! I would like to share my story with you in the hope that it will give you hope.
My younger sister is also an addict and has been for 5 years. She sounds a lot like your brother, as she would only tell us that she was smoking weed and that it wasn't that bad. She was arrested twice before she was even 17, and each time she got out she would swear to us that she was quitting. It turns out that she was using marijuana, cocaine, meth, and lots of different prescription meds. My parents and I were are three major enablers, and we were completely unaware of how horrible her addiction had become. Unfortunately, we all had to reach rock bottom before anything was done about it. Our family was falling apart, my parents fought daily, and I just kind of got thrown in the middle of things. My sister had a dirty drug test one week, and her probation officer gave her the option of either going to treatment or going to jail until she was at least 21 (she was 16 at the time).
She ended up going to a treatment facility that was 14 hours away from home. Although the time that she spent away was very stressful and scary for our whole family, it ended up being the best thing that has ever happened for our family and for my sister.
She just celebrated her 6 month sobriety date last week, and is a completely different person. I know how extremely scary dealing with a drug addict can be, especially when you really don't know what is going on with them. I would try everything you can to get your brother into treatment. I really believe that this place saved my sister's life. I have the name and everything of this treatment facility if you would like it. I finally got my sister and best friend back, and the people at this facility were amazing! I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, but please know that there is hope. I hope that my story has helped you in some way, and I am here to talk if you need anything!
I don't have a lot of advice, other then to stay strong! I would like to share my story with you in the hope that it will give you hope.
My younger sister is also an addict and has been for 5 years. She sounds a lot like your brother, as she would only tell us that she was smoking weed and that it wasn't that bad. She was arrested twice before she was even 17, and each time she got out she would swear to us that she was quitting. It turns out that she was using marijuana, cocaine, meth, and lots of different prescription meds. My parents and I were are three major enablers, and we were completely unaware of how horrible her addiction had become. Unfortunately, we all had to reach rock bottom before anything was done about it. Our family was falling apart, my parents fought daily, and I just kind of got thrown in the middle of things. My sister had a dirty drug test one week, and her probation officer gave her the option of either going to treatment or going to jail until she was at least 21 (she was 16 at the time).
She ended up going to a treatment facility that was 14 hours away from home. Although the time that she spent away was very stressful and scary for our whole family, it ended up being the best thing that has ever happened for our family and for my sister.
She just celebrated her 6 month sobriety date last week, and is a completely different person. I know how extremely scary dealing with a drug addict can be, especially when you really don't know what is going on with them. I would try everything you can to get your brother into treatment. I really believe that this place saved my sister's life. I have the name and everything of this treatment facility if you would like it. I finally got my sister and best friend back, and the people at this facility were amazing! I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, but please know that there is hope. I hope that my story has helped you in some way, and I am here to talk if you need anything!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by gin10t 
Hi!
I don't have a lot of advice, other then to stay strong! I would like to share my story with you in the hope that it will give you hope.
My younger sister is also an addict and has been for 5 years. She sounds a lot like your brother, as she would only tell us that she was smoking weed and that it wasn't that bad. She was arrested twice before she was even 17, and each time she got out she would swear to us that she was quitting. It turns out that she was using marijuana, cocaine, meth, and lots of different prescription meds. My parents and I were are three major enablers, and we were completely unaware of how horrible her addiction had become. Unfortunately, we all had to reach rock bottom before anything was done about it. Our family was falling apart, my parents fought daily, and I just kind of got thrown in the middle of things. My sister had a dirty drug test one week, and her probation officer gave her the option of either going to treatment or going to jail until she was at least 21 (she was 16 at the time).
She ended up going to a treatment facility that was 14 hours away from home. Although the time that she spent away was very stressful and scary for our whole family, it ended up being the best thing that has ever happened for our family and for my sister.
She just celebrated her 6 month sobriety date last week, and is a completely different person. I know how extremely scary dealing with a drug addict can be, especially when you really don't know what is going on with them. I would try everything you can to get your brother into treatment. I really believe that this place saved my sister's life. I have the name and everything of this treatment facility if you would like it. I finally got my sister and best friend back, and the people at this facility were amazing! I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, but please know that there is hope. I hope that my story has helped you in some way, and I am here to talk if you need anything!
I don't have a lot of advice, other then to stay strong! I would like to share my story with you in the hope that it will give you hope.
My younger sister is also an addict and has been for 5 years. She sounds a lot like your brother, as she would only tell us that she was smoking weed and that it wasn't that bad. She was arrested twice before she was even 17, and each time she got out she would swear to us that she was quitting. It turns out that she was using marijuana, cocaine, meth, and lots of different prescription meds. My parents and I were are three major enablers, and we were completely unaware of how horrible her addiction had become. Unfortunately, we all had to reach rock bottom before anything was done about it. Our family was falling apart, my parents fought daily, and I just kind of got thrown in the middle of things. My sister had a dirty drug test one week, and her probation officer gave her the option of either going to treatment or going to jail until she was at least 21 (she was 16 at the time).
She ended up going to a treatment facility that was 14 hours away from home. Although the time that she spent away was very stressful and scary for our whole family, it ended up being the best thing that has ever happened for our family and for my sister.
She just celebrated her 6 month sobriety date last week, and is a completely different person. I know how extremely scary dealing with a drug addict can be, especially when you really don't know what is going on with them. I would try everything you can to get your brother into treatment. I really believe that this place saved my sister's life. I have the name and everything of this treatment facility if you would like it. I finally got my sister and best friend back, and the people at this facility were amazing! I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, but please know that there is hope. I hope that my story has helped you in some way, and I am here to talk if you need anything!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
hi txsweetheart! i am also an older sibling of an addicted sister -- heroin addiction for almost 10 years (fyi, just since i am not sure anyone else said it in response to your comment that you don't know what he is using now, your brother shows all the signs of iv heroin addiction -- spoons, sores, long sleeves, etc. track marks are not always visible, depending on the A - btw the toes, etc).
my only advice is that the best thing you and your family can do is focus on yourselves and accept that, sadly, we as family members cannot control the addictions (or recoveries) of our loved ones. first my mom and i, then just my mom, enabled my sister for YEARS. let her live in her house rent free, paid all her expenses, bailed her out of jail, bought her cars when she would crash her's while using, and on and on and on. she tried over and over to "get help for my sister" failing to realize that no one can get help for an addict until they are ready to get help themselves. this is the problem with the "intervention" approach -- as families we often hit our bottom looooong before our As do. so we push them into treatment before they are ready to do it for themselves. i would never say that forcing an A into treatment has never worked. i am sure sometimes it can. but i think what you will find as you read more here, go to meetings, etc is that many of us wasted countless time, energy, and $ on that approach before realizing the only recovery we can control is our own! the best we can do is learn about and accept the addiction for what it is, learn about our codependent tendencies, our enabling, etc and focus on working the recovery we wish they would work.
my sister is now in recovery -- went to an inpatient detox then rehab then sober living about 10 months ago. she went because she hit her bottom and she made the decision, for herself, that she needed to go. methadone and suboxone weren't going to work for her, living with my mom wasn't going to work for her, etc. i never could have imagined how long it would take for her to hit her bottom - deaths of friends and her very long term boyfriend, jail, being stabbed, shot at, etc - not a life you would ever imagine for anyone, much less an upper-middle class, educate girl from the burbs! and still years of no recovery no matter how hard others pushed.
like gin10t said, my sister is truly a different person now. but i have to remember every day that her recovery is hers -- at any time she could relapse and everything could go back to the chaos it was. so i have to keep the focus on myself, the skills i have learned to take care of me, and just to let her know i love her and have faith in her recovery. no more, no less
as i have posted elsewhere here, my mom is a raging enabler/codie who refuses to acknowledge her issues and i have struggled with it a lot. please feel free to check out those posts, because one thing i have learned is that after i realized i couldn't "fix" my sister's addiction, i spent as much (if not more) time and energy trying to change and control my mom's enabling behaviors. i still struggle with it ever day, and there are other siblings on here who face that same challenge. sorry for the long post, i am a rambler! hope you find this site helpful and keep posting. you, your brother, and your family are in my thoughts.
my only advice is that the best thing you and your family can do is focus on yourselves and accept that, sadly, we as family members cannot control the addictions (or recoveries) of our loved ones. first my mom and i, then just my mom, enabled my sister for YEARS. let her live in her house rent free, paid all her expenses, bailed her out of jail, bought her cars when she would crash her's while using, and on and on and on. she tried over and over to "get help for my sister" failing to realize that no one can get help for an addict until they are ready to get help themselves. this is the problem with the "intervention" approach -- as families we often hit our bottom looooong before our As do. so we push them into treatment before they are ready to do it for themselves. i would never say that forcing an A into treatment has never worked. i am sure sometimes it can. but i think what you will find as you read more here, go to meetings, etc is that many of us wasted countless time, energy, and $ on that approach before realizing the only recovery we can control is our own! the best we can do is learn about and accept the addiction for what it is, learn about our codependent tendencies, our enabling, etc and focus on working the recovery we wish they would work.
my sister is now in recovery -- went to an inpatient detox then rehab then sober living about 10 months ago. she went because she hit her bottom and she made the decision, for herself, that she needed to go. methadone and suboxone weren't going to work for her, living with my mom wasn't going to work for her, etc. i never could have imagined how long it would take for her to hit her bottom - deaths of friends and her very long term boyfriend, jail, being stabbed, shot at, etc - not a life you would ever imagine for anyone, much less an upper-middle class, educate girl from the burbs! and still years of no recovery no matter how hard others pushed.
like gin10t said, my sister is truly a different person now. but i have to remember every day that her recovery is hers -- at any time she could relapse and everything could go back to the chaos it was. so i have to keep the focus on myself, the skills i have learned to take care of me, and just to let her know i love her and have faith in her recovery. no more, no less
as i have posted elsewhere here, my mom is a raging enabler/codie who refuses to acknowledge her issues and i have struggled with it a lot. please feel free to check out those posts, because one thing i have learned is that after i realized i couldn't "fix" my sister's addiction, i spent as much (if not more) time and energy trying to change and control my mom's enabling behaviors. i still struggle with it ever day, and there are other siblings on here who face that same challenge. sorry for the long post, i am a rambler! hope you find this site helpful and keep posting. you, your brother, and your family are in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
meetings for you & your mom will b the best. keep coming back here . read around,we have all been where u r at. u sound alot like my daughter with her brother. before we got into recovery she was all about him. bailing him out of jail, paying fines, giving him a place to live. you name it we did it. welcome to S.R. keep coming back.
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