How did I to this point?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
How did I to this point?
Ok, so as some of you may know I posted here about a few weeks ago. Well my situation with my boyfriend I had hoped would be better by now. It's just gotten worse.
We went to my moms or thanksgiving ( this is the first time he was meeting her ). And the ride up there he slept and I had noticed his pocket looked like somethin was in it, and while I figured hes asleep won't noticed if I touch it, and so I did and I figured it was a needle. I made it to a store and pulled over ad asked him, what's that? He said it was a pen. So I sat there knowing that was a lie. And then I said well it's really bothering me and I tried to push it up out of his pocket when he stopped me and said, it's what you think it is.
I just wanted to push him out of the car, but given the circumstances o just asked him to throw it away. And I put my fake everythings ok face on, so we could get through this holiday.
After that incident I found a pack of syringes on the floor it was empty and I handed it to him. All he had to say was that's old I'm not doing that anymore. But that's his excuse everytime.
And just yesterday he went into the bathroom like usual for awhile after he came out I noticed an indention around his bicep and a little blood drop on his shirt. And I had no words. I just got hit with a depression like feeling I couldn't quit crying except I was trying so hard to stop, and I even had the thought of taking my own life. Not that I would ever consider acting on that but the fact that it crossed my mind.
Now I dont know if I should tell him what I noticed on him and tell him how he made me feel. But I'm loseing it.
I just wish I had never fallen for him. All the time I just think back and keep saying what if I had done something different...
We went to my moms or thanksgiving ( this is the first time he was meeting her ). And the ride up there he slept and I had noticed his pocket looked like somethin was in it, and while I figured hes asleep won't noticed if I touch it, and so I did and I figured it was a needle. I made it to a store and pulled over ad asked him, what's that? He said it was a pen. So I sat there knowing that was a lie. And then I said well it's really bothering me and I tried to push it up out of his pocket when he stopped me and said, it's what you think it is.
I just wanted to push him out of the car, but given the circumstances o just asked him to throw it away. And I put my fake everythings ok face on, so we could get through this holiday.
After that incident I found a pack of syringes on the floor it was empty and I handed it to him. All he had to say was that's old I'm not doing that anymore. But that's his excuse everytime.
And just yesterday he went into the bathroom like usual for awhile after he came out I noticed an indention around his bicep and a little blood drop on his shirt. And I had no words. I just got hit with a depression like feeling I couldn't quit crying except I was trying so hard to stop, and I even had the thought of taking my own life. Not that I would ever consider acting on that but the fact that it crossed my mind.
Now I dont know if I should tell him what I noticed on him and tell him how he made me feel. But I'm loseing it.
I just wish I had never fallen for him. All the time I just think back and keep saying what if I had done something different...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
If you'd like more lies, go for it. Tell him what you saw, ask him whats going on etc. But like i saw elsewhere in this forum. If you're in a burning building are you going to stay and scream at the walls "I see you on fire! why are you burning??"
None of it matters, just get out.
I'm sorry to let you know that it will likely get a lot worse still. My family was at the point you are at about 6 years ago. It gets much worse every day.
My mom used to say "You can never help how you feel about someone. You can ALWAYS help what you do about it" I've felt the "I wish I never fell for this person" so strongly. Wanted to die. All I can say is as soon as I cut her loose things started to change. She was keeping me from meeting my wife. Wish i let her go sooner.
Take care of yourself first.
Sorry to hear you're in pain. Hug.
None of it matters, just get out.
I'm sorry to let you know that it will likely get a lot worse still. My family was at the point you are at about 6 years ago. It gets much worse every day.
My mom used to say "You can never help how you feel about someone. You can ALWAYS help what you do about it" I've felt the "I wish I never fell for this person" so strongly. Wanted to die. All I can say is as soon as I cut her loose things started to change. She was keeping me from meeting my wife. Wish i let her go sooner.
Take care of yourself first.
Sorry to hear you're in pain. Hug.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'd hardly call someone who is using intervenous drugs at your moms house on Thanksgiving a boyfriend. His only love is heroin. Your feelings aren't going to change that.
He's a drug addict. You are not in control of him. He's going to keep doing what he's doing. And if YOU keep doing what you are doing, you are going to keep getting what your getting. Or worse... your life is going to get progressively worse the longer you sink all your energy into trying to create a fulfilling relationship with someone who uses dope.
I used to be in a relationship with a drug addict. I was totally and completely addicted to him. I had to shift my focus from trying to turn him into the man I wanted him to be to, and start doing the work to turn myself into the woman I capable of being. I had to fix myself. There was a reason I chose to be in a dysfunctional relationship with a drug addict - a guy who couldn't love me back because he loved drugs. There was a reason my self-esteem was so bad that I chose to be with him.
There's a reason you choose to be in this kind of relationship (and it's not because you love your boyfriend - it's deeper than that. He's just a symptom). So talk to a counselor. Work through your personal issues. You can't find happiness in a relationship (especially a relationship with a drug addict). Happiness comes from within. So start getting some help. And I guarantee you, you will get stronger. You will feel better. And you won't be so desperate to find love with someone who is incable of loving you back.
You can change.
You can set boundaries in your life about the kinds of behavior and treatment you are willing to accept from others. We can enforce those boundaries. And our lives do get better. We teach others how to treat us. Set the bar a little higher... You deserve better.
One exercise you can do is to grab a pen and paper and write down the VALUES that are important to you in your relationships with people and the QUALITIES you want to see in yourself and others. Things like honesty, respect, hard work, faithfulness. Etc.
Then from that list, determine your personal boundaries.
For example... I value HONESTY. Therefore I do not LIE to others and I will not knowingly accept LIES from others.
Then determine consequences.
If I suspect someone is LYING to me, I will no longer trust their words. I will leave the situation. And I reserve the right to never speak with them.
You could quite possibly end up dead from HIV or Hep if you don't.
You are a beautiful person. But if you don't respect yourself, no one else will either.
He's a drug addict. You are not in control of him. He's going to keep doing what he's doing. And if YOU keep doing what you are doing, you are going to keep getting what your getting. Or worse... your life is going to get progressively worse the longer you sink all your energy into trying to create a fulfilling relationship with someone who uses dope.
I used to be in a relationship with a drug addict. I was totally and completely addicted to him. I had to shift my focus from trying to turn him into the man I wanted him to be to, and start doing the work to turn myself into the woman I capable of being. I had to fix myself. There was a reason I chose to be in a dysfunctional relationship with a drug addict - a guy who couldn't love me back because he loved drugs. There was a reason my self-esteem was so bad that I chose to be with him.
There's a reason you choose to be in this kind of relationship (and it's not because you love your boyfriend - it's deeper than that. He's just a symptom). So talk to a counselor. Work through your personal issues. You can't find happiness in a relationship (especially a relationship with a drug addict). Happiness comes from within. So start getting some help. And I guarantee you, you will get stronger. You will feel better. And you won't be so desperate to find love with someone who is incable of loving you back.
You can change.
You can set boundaries in your life about the kinds of behavior and treatment you are willing to accept from others. We can enforce those boundaries. And our lives do get better. We teach others how to treat us. Set the bar a little higher... You deserve better.
One exercise you can do is to grab a pen and paper and write down the VALUES that are important to you in your relationships with people and the QUALITIES you want to see in yourself and others. Things like honesty, respect, hard work, faithfulness. Etc.
Then from that list, determine your personal boundaries.
For example... I value HONESTY. Therefore I do not LIE to others and I will not knowingly accept LIES from others.
Then determine consequences.
If I suspect someone is LYING to me, I will no longer trust their words. I will leave the situation. And I reserve the right to never speak with them.
You could quite possibly end up dead from HIV or Hep if you don't.
You are a beautiful person. But if you don't respect yourself, no one else will either.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello, just as I held on too long. When the time came to separate and detach from my AS, we had lost so much includig the "dream" of our family. This is a terrible terrible addiction. You cannot stop him by "loving" him through it. Soon he will steal your things if he gets desperate enough. I recommend you stop seeing him and let him know why.
Time and separation will at least allow you the space to get your bearings and start working on your recovery. Time and separation won't hurt him, he is doing EXACTLY what he wants to do and NOTHING you do will change that.
Hugs and best wishes,
TT
Time and separation will at least allow you the space to get your bearings and start working on your recovery. Time and separation won't hurt him, he is doing EXACTLY what he wants to do and NOTHING you do will change that.
Hugs and best wishes,
TT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by LostNlove 
But I'm loseing it.
Please please please step away from the addict and step into the light.
You only have this one life; please embrace and protect it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Your first post said something along the lines of having asked him to not do heroin and steroids out of respect for you. Now here you are , 3 weeks later and having thought of killing yourself because he's an addict doing what addicts do.
One of the most challenging things about this is realizing that this is not about you. He's not using at you. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. Attaching your own emotional well being to someone in active addiction is unhealthy and not safe.
It's common stuff for women to fall in love with the fantasy of a man they want/need which is not the same thing as who the men really are. They have relationships of hopeful fantasy and attach their own emotional wellbeing to it.
Addiction rewires the brain and demands he protect and sustain it, at all costs. Lying, manipulation and stealing are common behaviors and not the sort of behaviors that create a solid foundation for the future.
There's no such thing as just snapping out of it. Addiction is a lifetime battle.
You can get off the crazy train, any time you want to do so. Your emotional well being depends on you to take responsibility for the only thing you control, your own reactions.
One of the most challenging things about this is realizing that this is not about you. He's not using at you. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. Attaching your own emotional well being to someone in active addiction is unhealthy and not safe.
It's common stuff for women to fall in love with the fantasy of a man they want/need which is not the same thing as who the men really are. They have relationships of hopeful fantasy and attach their own emotional wellbeing to it.
Addiction rewires the brain and demands he protect and sustain it, at all costs. Lying, manipulation and stealing are common behaviors and not the sort of behaviors that create a solid foundation for the future.
There's no such thing as just snapping out of it. Addiction is a lifetime battle.
You can get off the crazy train, any time you want to do so. Your emotional well being depends on you to take responsibility for the only thing you control, your own reactions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone.
I've decided that by the first of the year if everythings still continuing to go this path I have made arrangments to go and stay with my dad.
I'm aware this is unhealthy but I just want things to be right so badly, but I can only do right for myself and I'm giving him till the first of the year.
The burning building thing hit me pretty hard, it's very true but I don't want to see it that way.
I've decided that by the first of the year if everythings still continuing to go this path I have made arrangments to go and stay with my dad.
I'm aware this is unhealthy but I just want things to be right so badly, but I can only do right for myself and I'm giving him till the first of the year.
The burning building thing hit me pretty hard, it's very true but I don't want to see it that way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
why let him ruin the holidays? I know that it is really hard to imagine going back to being solo after you invest time and love in someone...but my sister always says "don't throw good money after bad" quit investing your time, energy and emotions...
believe me, I just decorated for xmas and that was when my ex and I met. he first slept over on xmas eve two years ago...pretty romantic, next to the tree and all...but hey! romance turned into a fantasy and lost dreams when his hard core drug addiction reared its ugly head.
Not romantic! Not fantasy material! The demon of addiction feasts on your heartache.
I am happy to be going into the holidays without him, and it's only been three weeks since I asked him to leave. I fill the holidays with lights, family, food...fun creative celebration. No room for lies, destructive icky habits...
Nope, saying goodbye is a good way for me to be surrounded by the love of family and friends over the holidays for support and some cheer to help me through...and then face the clean start of 2012 without the emotional hangover.
believe me, I just decorated for xmas and that was when my ex and I met. he first slept over on xmas eve two years ago...pretty romantic, next to the tree and all...but hey! romance turned into a fantasy and lost dreams when his hard core drug addiction reared its ugly head.
Not romantic! Not fantasy material! The demon of addiction feasts on your heartache.
I am happy to be going into the holidays without him, and it's only been three weeks since I asked him to leave. I fill the holidays with lights, family, food...fun creative celebration. No room for lies, destructive icky habits...
Nope, saying goodbye is a good way for me to be surrounded by the love of family and friends over the holidays for support and some cheer to help me through...and then face the clean start of 2012 without the emotional hangover.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've done the "I'll give you one more month" thing over and over for far too long. What I now see is all I've been doing is prolonging his illness, making it easier for him to continue to use, and delaying the possibility of him realizing he needs to get help. Instead of thinking of it as giving him until the first of the year you might want to think about it as another month he'll be able to use heroin without any consequences. The most loving thing you can do is to allow him to feel the consequences of his actions. I know how painful this is and I'm sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
The thing that struck me, is that giving him until the first of the year and if it continues you will leave. What is it that you need from him for things not to continue as they are? IV drug addiction is brutal...he is not going to just stop. And unless he wakes himself up and walks into detox and rehab, things are going to continue this way. I can't even imagine being around needles! It is so dangerous...the risks are extreme. You have to protect yourself. I'm so sorry for your situation...I understand how you want to give it time to change. But in my experience, the time I gave only allowed my loved one to continue getting worse, not better. I never let him feel the consequences of his actions. Please give this some more thought for your own safety and well being. We care about you! ****{hugs}}}
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Hi. I'm coming from the "other side" and can tell you that no amount of love will change him. I am a recovering heroin addict (IV) and it is a very brutal addiction. I have to agree with the others and get out before it gets worse (it will). You do not deserve this at all. You owe it to yourself to take care of YOU. He will never get better until he decides he wants to find recovery and it will be on his terms. He must want it 110% before any real change will occur and he must want it for himself and only himself. A drug addict cannot change for someone else, when it's attempted - it fails. I speak from experience. I hear the pain in your post and I am so sorry you are going thru this. *hugs* You've gotten to the point of suicidal ideation, so this has become a very toxic, dangerous relationship. Giving him til the first of the year is not going to matter. You are only in control of yourself and your actions - you deserve better. Addiction is a chronic, progressive illness.
Take care of you.
Jess
Take care of you.
Jess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Thank you Jess.
And congrats on your recovery
I believe he may be trying, he told me recently he was planning on making an appointment to see a doctor to get suboxones.. And he says he has thought about just going to detox so I don't know what's going on in his head but he broke down last night and cried for no reason so I think maybe he's seeing what he's doing.
And congrats on your recovery
I believe he may be trying, he told me recently he was planning on making an appointment to see a doctor to get suboxones.. And he says he has thought about just going to detox so I don't know what's going on in his head but he broke down last night and cried for no reason so I think maybe he's seeing what he's doing.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Lost...please reread your post and try to see how focused you are on him. He does not belong to you, especially right now. He is giving himself to drugs. His thoughts and plans and tears show nothing...just passing possibilities that show no action. You are trying to lead your life as the mind-reader and fortune teller of the future of an active addict.
I know what it's like to not be able to believe what is happening. Letting go feels like the last thing to do. It feels like love should heal all. I had to just keep learning and learning and learning the hard way. The using and lying continued for two years...I finally came to a place where I believed what people who cared about me (and him!) were saying.
I think part of what was hard for awhile was admitting that everyone else was "right".
I was glad that no one told me specifically what to do. They all just telling me to focus on myself, to stay healthy, to work a program of recovery for myself...which had to now include al anon/nar anon alongside my AA.
We know when we know. It takes us awhile to figure out what we want...we can NEVER figure out the addiction (!!!!!) it takes us awhile to imagine life without the fantasy of the man we love. It takes all of our strength to let go and have faith.
Pray for yourself. Go to meetings. Read everything on this site. Inform yourself about the probabilities of recovery. Don't take in personally...it's not about love. It's not about love. It's not about love. (I'm repeating that for myself...)
I know what it's like to not be able to believe what is happening. Letting go feels like the last thing to do. It feels like love should heal all. I had to just keep learning and learning and learning the hard way. The using and lying continued for two years...I finally came to a place where I believed what people who cared about me (and him!) were saying.
I think part of what was hard for awhile was admitting that everyone else was "right".
I was glad that no one told me specifically what to do. They all just telling me to focus on myself, to stay healthy, to work a program of recovery for myself...which had to now include al anon/nar anon alongside my AA.
We know when we know. It takes us awhile to figure out what we want...we can NEVER figure out the addiction (!!!!!) it takes us awhile to imagine life without the fantasy of the man we love. It takes all of our strength to let go and have faith.
Pray for yourself. Go to meetings. Read everything on this site. Inform yourself about the probabilities of recovery. Don't take in personally...it's not about love. It's not about love. It's not about love. (I'm repeating that for myself...)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
he is not going to change, not now anyway. he is in a terrible way & until he wants to change he want. you can not do anything to stop him. the 3 c's are .. i did not Cause it.
i can not Control it, & i can not Cure it. none of us are powerful enough to do it. your llife is your life. you decide on what u want to do. love don't do it or my son & grandson would be "well". prayers,
i can not Control it, & i can not Cure it. none of us are powerful enough to do it. your llife is your life. you decide on what u want to do. love don't do it or my son & grandson would be "well". prayers,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
So what exactly do you want out of your life besides: someone else to change? Do you have goals or a plan for your future?
Your future success and happiness should not be dependent on what someone else is doing - especially if that someone is doing heroin. It's called setting yourself up for failure.
That's a huge problem. How are you going to fix it?
We shouldn't expect other people to change, if we are not willing to change ourselves.
There is a great book out there called Co-dependent No More (and another book that gets a lot of recommendations around here is 10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives). You may want to read it and see if you can find any of your own behaviors in the stories she shares.
Your future success and happiness should not be dependent on what someone else is doing - especially if that someone is doing heroin. It's called setting yourself up for failure.
That's a huge problem. How are you going to fix it?
We shouldn't expect other people to change, if we are not willing to change ourselves.
There is a great book out there called Co-dependent No More (and another book that gets a lot of recommendations around here is 10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives). You may want to read it and see if you can find any of your own behaviors in the stories she shares.
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