cc88

So basically my brother is running out of places to live. In desperation he went to my mom saying he wants to get clean. So she looks up these rehab programs for him. He says he doesnt want to do detox and in patient and everything because he has horribly anxiety and doesn't want to lose his job, so he just wants to go to the methadone clinic. (I know that this is total b.s. and hes not serious about it)

Now I hear they have picked him up when he got pulled over for driving illegally, they've lent him money, they are giving him rides to and from the clinic. I am so angry at my family for enabling him and now its looking like my aunt is going to let him live in her house.

I told my mom that I want the opportunity to talk to my family together without my brother to see if I can explain to them the severity of the problem and have someone other than me explain to them that they are not helping and that he is not getting clean. I am the only one who has dealt with addiction or sought out education regarding the topic. They think this is just my opinion and that he really is trying to get clean and that they are helping him get clean. So I am looking to do a sort of pre intervention sit down with my family without my brother at first. Chances are they will be closed minded and not be willing to commit to appropriate boundaries, but the other option is to cut contact with all of them because this is effecting me so badly. Clearly I have to give a good try at least once before I make that decision?

advice? Should I seek out a pro interventionist? or a drug counselor? Not even bother, just go no contact with my whole family?

Freedom1990

This appears to be an ongoing problem with you.

I know for me, trying to "educate" family members on addiction/alcoholism was fruitless.

You aren't going to make them see what they don't want to see.

TMZ

Your wanting to do an intervention. But being alone in this I don't think you will have much success. You might want to just gather information and make it available to each of them. Copy and print out some of the stickies, get information about the drug of choice and print that out, get some literature from nar-anon (or al anon), and jut give each of them some copies. Also get some literature to NA for your brother. Then you might get some support to have an intervention.

One thing you must get is you can NOT control the addict. I think you might want to go to f2f meeting yourself, I would recommend nar anon there are 8 meetings in your state. Massachusetts You need to set some boundaries but you don't need to go no contact with the family.

We all come to the realization at our own pace, and for parents it is so hard to find the way with love.
Hope tis helps some, keep posting and try some f2f meetings.
Be well,

Chino

Have you considered informing everyone that you don't want to talk or hear about your brother's addiction? Perhaps change the subject?

My son began changing the subject when I would talk about his sister's addiction, and I got the message after the first few times. My friend's eyes would glaze over and I got that message pretty quick, too. Their reactions really helped push me towards addressing my addiction to my daughter's addiction.

cc88

Chino - I already don't want to talk about/hear about it. But the fact is hes still welcome in their home so he could just show up any time. Plus, just being there and talking with them bothers me for some reason. I dont know.

TMZ - I'm going to go tomorrow night in Cambridge. Do I need to like... call? Do I just show up?

atalose

Your family has to hit their rock bottom much like your brother does and you can’t force that bottom.

You have to allow your family to find their own way through your brothers addiction. An intervention for your family/brother will probably not work at this point in time.

You certainly don’t have to have a front row seat to all of this, you can and should set boundaries for yourself with all of them. Detach with love, keep your conversations/visits short and if he becomes the topic of conversation, change the conversation or leave/end the phone call…they’ll soon pick up on it

TMZ

You just show up. :ghug3
I know you will be nervous but you are going to be walking in to a room full of friends, We all have the same issues.

Share your story when the time comes. They will give you some literature, Then you can make copies and share with your family.

You need to go a few times to really get some of the answers your wanting. But you will learn it is for YOU and your recovery that you go. I always leave the meeting feeling good and with a sense of hope.

Be well,

Yes your it is possible, and in nar-anon and with the setps you will learn to deal with that anger.

cc88

anything is possible. But I really REALLY don't think so. My parents don't do a thing for him that that wouldn't do for me. I was angry like that specifically a few times, for instance because I was getting a huge guilt trip from my mom for impossibly re-arranging my life/work schedule to see my other brother graduate in florida. THEN im thinking "um, out of the 2 of us, which should you be angry with. The brother who isnt going to this one event because of his wife and his responsibilities, or the brother who never goes to anything, including this, because hes throwing his life away and hurting the rest of you in the process.

So in specific cases, maybe. But I get over that stuff quickly. I'm not jealous of my addict brother in any way except for that when he is clean he is the most charismatic, friendly, fun, person to be around. the life of the party, the one no one dislikes. Too bad hes almost 30 and hes only been that person for 3 months of my whole life.

So to answer your question, I dont think thats what this is. Its seeing someone hurt the rest of my family and seeing my family continue to allow it. When I tell my mom "Methadone CAN work for people, but it WILL NOT work for him. I promise you hes using" and she says "Well how can you even say that! hes trying! I dont think he is buying drugs or using!" THAT is when im super angry. That someone is making a fool of my mom and I know what I'm talking about trying to explain that she is volunteering to be made a fool of and she thinks im just trying to make waves.

/rant

sorry.

Justlizzyd

cc88,

When my sister was in active addiction, my parents, especially my dad, refused to believe she was using drugs. He thought she had a mental condition from hitting her head. She did hit her head hard on concrete but she was high at the time. I printed out all kinds of stuff for my Dad showing him the signs of a drug addict especially to her DOC. He still refused to see it. I totally backed off from that subject with my parents. It took my sister's lawyer (that they were paying for), looking my parents in the eye and telling them that my sister had a drug problem and what she was abusing before they got the message. I could have talked to them till I was blue in the face and for some reason, they just would not see. I don't know what it was but it took someone outside of the family unit to show them the light.

cc88

Well heres the other part. My brothers sponsor when he got out of rehab the first time is a kid named Mike. Mike was a heroine addict like my brother. He has 8 years clean. He has since become a close friend to our family. Mike's girlfriend Katie is also an addict in recovery. 2 years I think Katie has. Katie lives at my mom and dads now under the condition that she pays rent, keeps clean, keeps a job, and follows the rules of the house. So Katie and Mike are around a lot. THEY have told my parents too. They'l admit he uses. They'l admit he needs help. But they still believe him when he lies to them. The first time it was "Okay, i been smoking weed." To which I told my mom "He is NOT smoking weed. Hes shooting heroine again. You would be a fool to believe otherwise" Who was right? Me. Ive been right time and time again, yet its still 'just my opinion'

This is why I'm trying to get a professional in to explain to them. If my parents wont listen to the one kid seeking help (me), 2 successful recovering addicts, and an addiction professional, nothing will open their eyes, and im just going to give up on trying to and back off. Still dont know if I'll just do that anyways.

Justlizzyd

I understand! I also forgot to mention that everyone at work tried to tell my dad (we were all working at the same place at the time), and he still refused to see it. As a parent, we want to believe the best in our kids no matter what. We got our rose colored glasses on for sure. I saw my parents dump all kinds of money for lawyers, bailing her out of jail etc. It made me mad! I was very mad! So I understand what you are going through. I believe backing off would be wise. JMHO coming from someone who is new to all the recovery stuff....

TMZ

This is where the disease affects the whole family.

My wife and I are guilty of; putting to much effort in our one son that had an alcohol addiction. That we totally ignored our other younger son only to find out 6 years later the younger son had a drug addiction for three years.
You see as a parent, I felt it was my job and responsibility to protect, and help my son no mater how bad of a thing he had done. I felt I could fix it. I felt I could send him to rehab and pay professionals to cure him. {3 times we did that!} I felt that jail was no place for my son to have to spend the night, so I would bail him out. {6 times I did that, until bail became more than my house payment.} Paid his fines and let him stay rent free.
It wasn't till I couldn't bail him out he was court ordered to rehab at the same place we put him through. That a counselor took us back to his office and told us how we was only helping him and making the situation worse. He told us about al-anon and nar-anon, and if we really wanted to help we need to get in the program and work the same steps that we wanted our son to work. That is what it took for us to wake up.
Today, AS #1 is has a 4th DUI and other charges, just got out of jail Saturday. He just lost his job 6th one this year. And is in a tail spin right now, But that is his problems to deal with he is an adult. HAsn't been to an AA or NA meeting in over a year, but neither has he been in trouble in two years ( just got off 2 year probation last month. AS #2 Is .... out there some where. You see he had been a well functioning A for 6 years, the last year he had crashed. He moved back home and sole from us. I through him out and told him not to come back till he sought help. He got on MMT (Methadone Maintenance Treatment) He move back in the house. For the first time in years He started to have time when he was my son again. About three months into it, He started using again. As you might know if they use while on MMT will cause an OD. The rule in my house is no drugs! I told him that since he broke the rule he had to find some where else to stay. That now I don't want to see him again till he is 1 year clean. He need to work the program. That was three and half months ago.

I don't want to take over your thread, but I wanted to share my story so you might better see a parents prospective on the disease.
be well,

cc88

I understand. I mean, I say "I understand" but until its my kid, I wont.

cc88

Well in the last few hours, Katie and I spoke and she let me know she was looking to move out of my parents house. That they were letting him and his "ex girlfriend" (yeah right) stay over there 4 nights of the week. Which my mom said shed never do. Katie said she finds q tips everywhere, (which my brother explains is cause of an 'earwax problem') sees him nodding off, and its disturbing to her and for her own recovery, shes leaving. I feel misled by my mom and I'm done. So I think I'll take a little bit of all the advice on here and do the following. Start going to meetings alone, (well.. with my wife), and talk to them to explain that letting an active addict use in their house is something I want ZERO part of. So I'll be doing my own thing for a while. Cancelled my plans to meet them later and I think this may be the last time we meet for a while.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think this was a sign. My brother is a sinking ship. My family can stay on it if they want but I'm getting out.

cc88

I've found "Seek and you shall find", regardless of what book you read it from, or what god you believe in, or even what area of life you apply it to, to be generally true. Thank you for the input and encouragement, everyone. Lets see where this goes...

lesliej

yes...you are taking care of self, seeking serenity and sanity, detaching.
you are, in effect, also modeling behavior geared toward recovery by stepping out of the dysfunctional system. I have witnessed the family AND some members of the recovery community enable my AXBF, it is so frustrating. we don't need to witness it, we know already.
the enabling will end when the enablers are ready AND/OR
when the addict is ready the enabling won't be used

cc88

My discussion went okay.

My parents essentially said that I'm right and his window is closing. They are going to refuse rides, a place to crash, etc.

Apparently my brother has been telling them that the methadone clinic drug tests and if he tests positive for opiates, they kick him out. I told her that that is more than likely a lie. He also told them that the counselor there told him he should use street drugs in addition to methadone if the dosage isnt helping enough. I told her that DEFINITELY was a lie. She kept giving him the benefit of the doubt so I just said look, we might not see eye to eye but will you at least come to naranon meetings with me. she said yes. This morning she asked for the number of the clinic he goes to and if I would call and ask if that all was true. I said "I can tell you right now that its all nonsense but Ill call if youd rather here it from a professional" I called. (surprise surprise) They said that they do not kick people out of treatment for positive drug screens, and encouraging a patient to use while on methadone is counter productive and thats not something they do.

It sounded like my mom is alot closer to her breaking point than I thought, and that information is probably what she needed.

Regardless Ive decided to do thanksgiving and possibly christmas just me and my wife and her family, and then cautiously take it as it comes with the family.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

siblingofaddict

CC, have been following the thread but didn't comment until now - I just want to say that you made the right decision. As someone in a similar situation (though I am younger and still living with my parents & recovering addict brother who they leave at home alone with me), the only answer for me was putting up boundaries and treating all of them, not just my brother, with loving detachment. Their actions = their problems. It's hard for me to be around my brother, so when he is around, I am not, or I leave when I can no longer handle it.

Currently struggling with the same issues about Thanksgiving with the family, hope I can draw strength from your decision (though I have no one else to spend turkey day with, so be grateful for your own family!)

cc88

Just an update:

After the decision I made and the discussion with my mother, my sister took it upon herself to actually DO what I had thought about doing. To get the whole family together to share our feelings, our thoughts, and our ideas for what needs to happen. As I had made my decision to not try to convince anyone else, I wasnt too thrilled about it but it is still my family so I agreed to go, speak my peace, explain why I feel how I do, and just leave it be.

At first people were angry. Saying that I was skipping events to punish the family for what I considered to be enabling, and that i was proposing we close the doors to MAKE him get clean. I explained that i am not trying to punish anyone, and my suggestion is not to MAKE anyone do anything. After defending/explaining myself, when I actually opened my ears, there was still some ignorance to the disease but overall I was surprised by what some of my family had to say. I thought they would all say that shutting the door is heartless and not compassionate and as christians we are called to show love etc. etc. (which is what my sister ended up saying) and before I could jump in, some of the people I was most concerned about were telling my sister why that is such dangerous thinking. Why we are loving him to death, etc.

Long story short, my family agreed that A. We need to have a united front as a family B. What we're doing now is not working. C. No one knows what the next step is. So for now, my brother will continue to be invited to christmas, new years, etc. with more and more contingencies on him being there, but that my parents were going to seek help and talk to counselors, and if they find out that shutting the door is what needs to be done for this family, that is what will happen.

So for now, nothing has changed for me except that I have more hope for my family's recovery and eventual happiness. I made and will stick to my decision about holidays and though I've never spent one away from the house with my family, Im not gonna take steps backwards. I hope they find the guidance theyre looking for and I find myself able to be around everyone again before long.

Thanks everyone.

useyourwords

cc88, that sounds like a great step in the right direction!!! you can't expect huge changes overnight, especially when it is a large group of people with differing opinions all trying to get on the same page. but it sounds like there were some open minds, and certainly a lot of love for your brother and a desire to seek out something that "works" -- that is all you can ask for!

on a side note, it is funny what you mentioned about your sister and discussing the Christian thing to do. i have often thought that no matter how much my mom has suffered over the years as a result of my sister's addiction, that it has "fit" within her Christian framework. not only in the context that you mention, of showing love, but in the sense of sacrafice and suffering. i have often felt my mom struggled with my approach because she found it selfish. she struggled with the concept of self-care, because sacrafice and suffering are deeply important to our belief system in many ways.

again, glad for the positive update. keep us posted and stay strong!