Am I making too much of his drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: South
Posts: 7
Am I making too much of his drinking?
Hello, I am new. People here seem kind.
I am hoping for a few honest opinions on whether my husband really has a drinking problem or whether I am overreacting. (BTW I took the self-test and got "yes" answers to 8 of the questions, so according to that, at least *I* have a problem!)
Hubby drinks only on weekends, never drinks and drives. He does not get abusive, but he does get stupid and careless. Drink of choice is beer-- up to 15 or 20 beers in an afternoon-evening binge. These binges used to take place every weekend, but now only maybe every other weekend, and are down to maybe 10 beers or so most of the time. He works when he drinks: in the yard, in the house, with power tools, and says I should be happy he is working instead of vegging in front the TV with the beer. He says he drinks to relax and "escape".
He also drinks when we go out, if he does not have to drive. If, for instance, we are going to walk to a local restaurant where we might have a drink or two, he thinks it "economical" to start early. So he'll down a few at home and take one along in a plastic drink bottle for the walk. (The point is that he wants to get good and buzzed. One or two beers for a mild relaxation and the social thing is, in his opinion, pointless. He has said so. )
He sneaks drinks into concerts and sporting events (hard liquor in a flask, which he mixes with Sprite.) He says he can't fully enjoy the event without a buzz on. He thinks he's fooling everyone but you can smell the liquor 20 feet away.
This all bothers me because:
1) When he's drunk, I can't have a conversation with him. I feel abandoned.
2) When he's drunk he takes twice as long to do the yardwork or whatever, then he spends most of Sunday asleep, leaving me alone. (If he did the work sober it would take half as long and maybe we could go to a movie or something and have fun, but no.) Again, I feel abandoned, and like a lot of work is left to me.
3) We have a young child and this is a bad example for him, I believe .
4) It's made him fat and very unattractive.
5)He loses things, forgets things, and messes things up when he's drunk.
So, his problem? Or am I just too needy and controlling?
Thank you all for your opinions.
I am hoping for a few honest opinions on whether my husband really has a drinking problem or whether I am overreacting. (BTW I took the self-test and got "yes" answers to 8 of the questions, so according to that, at least *I* have a problem!)
Hubby drinks only on weekends, never drinks and drives. He does not get abusive, but he does get stupid and careless. Drink of choice is beer-- up to 15 or 20 beers in an afternoon-evening binge. These binges used to take place every weekend, but now only maybe every other weekend, and are down to maybe 10 beers or so most of the time. He works when he drinks: in the yard, in the house, with power tools, and says I should be happy he is working instead of vegging in front the TV with the beer. He says he drinks to relax and "escape".
He also drinks when we go out, if he does not have to drive. If, for instance, we are going to walk to a local restaurant where we might have a drink or two, he thinks it "economical" to start early. So he'll down a few at home and take one along in a plastic drink bottle for the walk. (The point is that he wants to get good and buzzed. One or two beers for a mild relaxation and the social thing is, in his opinion, pointless. He has said so. )
He sneaks drinks into concerts and sporting events (hard liquor in a flask, which he mixes with Sprite.) He says he can't fully enjoy the event without a buzz on. He thinks he's fooling everyone but you can smell the liquor 20 feet away.
This all bothers me because:
1) When he's drunk, I can't have a conversation with him. I feel abandoned.
2) When he's drunk he takes twice as long to do the yardwork or whatever, then he spends most of Sunday asleep, leaving me alone. (If he did the work sober it would take half as long and maybe we could go to a movie or something and have fun, but no.) Again, I feel abandoned, and like a lot of work is left to me.
3) We have a young child and this is a bad example for him, I believe .
4) It's made him fat and very unattractive.
5)He loses things, forgets things, and messes things up when he's drunk.
So, his problem? Or am I just too needy and controlling?
Thank you all for your opinions.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Stone weaver,
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
It would appear he has a drinking problem....BUT your reaction to his drinking is the only thing you can change..
Those of us here at SR have been right where you are so you are not alone...I'd suggest you read the Power Posts at the top of this forum...They will help you understand....
I'll give the 3 C's of Al-Anon
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
But the thing you can do is learn all you can about alcoholism...You can learn to know what your boundries are and how to set them...The only thing we can change is ourselves but first I must learn to really know who and what I am...
Coming here to SR is gaint step for you and by studing the disease of alcoholism you can learn ways to live your life more fully whether he is drinking or not.
Keep coming back...We're here 24/7
Love and prayers,
Daff
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
It would appear he has a drinking problem....BUT your reaction to his drinking is the only thing you can change..
Those of us here at SR have been right where you are so you are not alone...I'd suggest you read the Power Posts at the top of this forum...They will help you understand....
I'll give the 3 C's of Al-Anon
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
But the thing you can do is learn all you can about alcoholism...You can learn to know what your boundries are and how to set them...The only thing we can change is ourselves but first I must learn to really know who and what I am...
Coming here to SR is gaint step for you and by studing the disease of alcoholism you can learn ways to live your life more fully whether he is drinking or not.
Keep coming back...We're here 24/7
Love and prayers,
Daff
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Oh yeah
that's a walking, talking drinking problem. Espcecially because it's getting in the way of a lot of important things. I'm glad he doesn't drink when he drives; but the drinking/power tools combination makes me shudder. It is his problem, but it's your problem too because it is affecting your life.
You can't do anything to change what he does. You can't make him have an epiphany about his drinking. All you can do is work on you and how this affects you.
This is a great place to come for experience, strength and hope. Welcome, I hope you stick around.
Peace,
Gabe
You can't do anything to change what he does. You can't make him have an epiphany about his drinking. All you can do is work on you and how this affects you.
This is a great place to come for experience, strength and hope. Welcome, I hope you stick around.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
Hiya Stoneweaver!
I'm new here too (registered afew hours ago!!) although I've been lurking and reading the posts.
Your hubby definitely has a drink problem and you are not overreacting. If you have a good public library near you there will be some great books on alcoholism which will confirm your thoughts. (I had to get that one in, as I'm a librarian
) You'll learn a lot about this disease - I did. I live with my A partner but I didn't realise he was an A until I was living with him. He hid it well but more importantly, I had misunderstood the disease completely because I hadn't had to 'deal' with it before.
Good luck and blessings to you from your HP
Sandie xx
I'm new here too (registered afew hours ago!!) although I've been lurking and reading the posts.
Your hubby definitely has a drink problem and you are not overreacting. If you have a good public library near you there will be some great books on alcoholism which will confirm your thoughts. (I had to get that one in, as I'm a librarian
) You'll learn a lot about this disease - I did. I live with my A partner but I didn't realise he was an A until I was living with him. He hid it well but more importantly, I had misunderstood the disease completely because I hadn't had to 'deal' with it before.Good luck and blessings to you from your HP
Sandie xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: South
Posts: 7
Thank you all for the welcome, and the confirmation.
Hubby is such a borderline case that I have had real trouble knowing what's OK and what isn't. My gut tells me that anyone who enjoys drinking to such excess, and who feels he has to drink to enjoy a concert, or tolerate working around the house has a problem. I told him once I thought it was "sad" he felt couldn't fully enjoy things without beer, and he said "Why??" (Just an aside-- one time we went to a symphony concert. He didn't bring his flask because he knew that would be way out-of-bounds. But, boy you should have seen his eyes light up when he saw the wine bar at intermission!! He downed two or three, complained about the expense, and exclaimed how cool Beethoven was to listen to with a buzz on. Of course then he had to sneak out partway through for a potty break. Sigh. I was embarrassed to be seen with him.)
Gabe--yes, the beer-and-power-tools combo makes my hair stand on end. Usually it's just a power drill, but sometimes it's a Skil saw, and last weekend it was a chainsaw. This is a person who once fell over in the kitchen at 3 AM after about 12 hours of beer-drinking and somehow cut his forehead open requiring several stiches. He was so incoherent the emergency room personnel were afraid he had a major head injury. Imagine my delight at having to say, "No, he's just drop-dead drunk". He now drinks a lot less than he did at that time, but still -- Yikes-- Because we are not talking about Mr. I'm-Drunk-But-I'm-Still-Super-Coordinated here.
Bookworm-- I can relate to what you said about misunderstanding the disease because you hadn't had to deal with it before. I came from a non-drinking family and never was involved with anyone with a drinking problem before. I knew plenty of people (including myself, I admit) who would sometimes get a bit tipsy at social gatherings, but who understood there is a time, place and prudent limits for such things. So I didn't really recognize that he was genuine trouble until I was in over my head, emotion-wise.
Sooo...Would you all say hubby is an alcoholic? Or is he a non-alcoholic with a drinking problem? (Or is there a difference?)
I have other questions as well and I will post those later.
Again, THANK YOU so much for your help and support!
Hubby is such a borderline case that I have had real trouble knowing what's OK and what isn't. My gut tells me that anyone who enjoys drinking to such excess, and who feels he has to drink to enjoy a concert, or tolerate working around the house has a problem. I told him once I thought it was "sad" he felt couldn't fully enjoy things without beer, and he said "Why??" (Just an aside-- one time we went to a symphony concert. He didn't bring his flask because he knew that would be way out-of-bounds. But, boy you should have seen his eyes light up when he saw the wine bar at intermission!! He downed two or three, complained about the expense, and exclaimed how cool Beethoven was to listen to with a buzz on. Of course then he had to sneak out partway through for a potty break. Sigh. I was embarrassed to be seen with him.)
Gabe--yes, the beer-and-power-tools combo makes my hair stand on end. Usually it's just a power drill, but sometimes it's a Skil saw, and last weekend it was a chainsaw. This is a person who once fell over in the kitchen at 3 AM after about 12 hours of beer-drinking and somehow cut his forehead open requiring several stiches. He was so incoherent the emergency room personnel were afraid he had a major head injury. Imagine my delight at having to say, "No, he's just drop-dead drunk". He now drinks a lot less than he did at that time, but still -- Yikes-- Because we are not talking about Mr. I'm-Drunk-But-I'm-Still-Super-Coordinated here.
Bookworm-- I can relate to what you said about misunderstanding the disease because you hadn't had to deal with it before. I came from a non-drinking family and never was involved with anyone with a drinking problem before. I knew plenty of people (including myself, I admit) who would sometimes get a bit tipsy at social gatherings, but who understood there is a time, place and prudent limits for such things. So I didn't really recognize that he was genuine trouble until I was in over my head, emotion-wise.
Sooo...Would you all say hubby is an alcoholic? Or is he a non-alcoholic with a drinking problem? (Or is there a difference?)
I have other questions as well and I will post those later.
Again, THANK YOU so much for your help and support!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
The great thing about Al-Anon is we don't have to decide if someone is alcoholic to attend meetings and get help. If someone's drinking (or sobiety) is bothering us.........then Al-Anon works.
Go to meetings. That's where the recovery is.
Go to meetings. That's where the recovery is.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 27
Wow, Stoneweaver.. your husband reminds me of someone and you remind me a lot of myself in the early days. My husband is a funtional alcoholic who graduated to cocaine abuse once he discovered a new buzz combining the two. The irony is that I was so relieved that he 'just drank' when I met him as I had just come out of a pretty drug adled place with an ex boyfriend. Like your spouse, weekends and Sundays seemed to be the heavy drinking days and by dinner time, he was looped and downright sloppy. It stopped being sexy to me pretty quick (he was an amorous drunk!!) He would also have 'a beer' everyday after work which I didn't fuss too much about. Only recently has he revealed that he would have already sucked down 5 or so before popping open his 'one' and only. We could do very little socially unless beer was involved and let me tell you, it sure gets old. Once the coke was introduced, his addiction spiraled quickly. It sounds sick to say but I am truly grateful for his descent into cocaine abuse as it exacerbated his disease of alcoholism - he could not recognize any of it until his life became unmanageable. I discovered this site and Al Anon in the last year and I cannot tell you how many twists and turns this life has taken. My husband was in complete denial, was a complete jerk to me and was a hopeless case, as far as I was concerned. When it got to be too much, I made him leave our home and he went bitterly. Mr. Not So Street Smart lived on the street like an addict for days, was mugged, beaten and slipped some junky drugs before he had an epiphany. Now, he is in a treatment center. No telling what our future holds because life with me must be life with sobriety and his journey has just begun. I once told myself the things you are saying - along the way, I had to really honest-up and get real. We all do this on our own timetable but I would encourage you to keep coming to this site, check out an Al Anon meeting, really get yourself educated about addiction/alcoholism. As the saying goes, knowledge is power. I am living proof that helping yourself first is the best thing you can do for your husband. I have learned on my journey that MOST of our population live normal lives completely free of alcohol. I had to laugh about what you said regarding his inability to do things around the house without drinking - my hubby is the same way - somehow it's impossible to load a dishwasher or cook a meal without Mr. Bud Light to help you out. What a load of bunk!
Trust your instincts - they do not lie. I questioned myself too for months on end because I come from a long line of tee-totalers. I also partied with him plenty but quickly realized that his party never stopped and I was worn out.
I am no pro but I know the life I've been living and I would guess that your husband is most definitely engaging in risky drinking behaviors. Consider this: if it were no problem, the issue would never have come up, right?
Hang in there, come back and feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat..
Take care of YOU!!
Trust your instincts - they do not lie. I questioned myself too for months on end because I come from a long line of tee-totalers. I also partied with him plenty but quickly realized that his party never stopped and I was worn out.
I am no pro but I know the life I've been living and I would guess that your husband is most definitely engaging in risky drinking behaviors. Consider this: if it were no problem, the issue would never have come up, right?
Hang in there, come back and feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat..
Take care of YOU!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: South
Posts: 7
Gracie-
Wow, your hubby sure does sound a lot like mine. At least mine never was into coke. He used to smoke pot and he still would if they didn't drug-test at work. Thank god for that. And you do sound like me-- coming from a line of tee-totalers and such and not having experience the experience to differentiate "real drunks" from "partiers within limits".
Thanks for the laugh with the comment about " somehow it's impossible to load a dishwasher or cook a meal without Mr. Bud Light to help you out"! Boy, that is my husband. And one thing he likes to do when drunk is "organize". He's not the most organized person when he's sober-- imagine the organization systems he comes up with when drunk!! I can never find anything when he's done.
Wow, your hubby sure does sound a lot like mine. At least mine never was into coke. He used to smoke pot and he still would if they didn't drug-test at work. Thank god for that. And you do sound like me-- coming from a line of tee-totalers and such and not having experience the experience to differentiate "real drunks" from "partiers within limits".
Thanks for the laugh with the comment about " somehow it's impossible to load a dishwasher or cook a meal without Mr. Bud Light to help you out"! Boy, that is my husband. And one thing he likes to do when drunk is "organize". He's not the most organized person when he's sober-- imagine the organization systems he comes up with when drunk!! I can never find anything when he's done.
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