When A Child is Involved...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
When A Child is Involved...
I've been lurking here for awhile, and I find the posts encouraging and supportive...
I've been with my ABF for years, and we recently had a child together. I also grew up in a home with an A father. Since having the child I have become so much more educated on alcoholism and how it's affected me. I've attended Al-Anon meetings and gone to counseling and will continue to do so.
Now though, I'm 'stuck' in this relationship. I stumbled upon the sticky note about being hooked in a boundary-less relationship, and boy, that's me. I do set boundaries, but I am stuck for several reasons.
I remember the court ordering my father not to drink when he had us for visitation every other weekend. I remember being dropped off at a pizza place and watching him consume several pitchers of beer. It was me at the age of 13 who said I didn't want to see him if he drinks. My toddler won't be able to say that. So, the thought of handing over my child to his father without me around makes me anxious. He has been alone with his father maybe 5 times in the past year. I trust him when he's sober, but I don't trust him to turn down a drink when he's taking care of our son. I know when we break up (which we are very close to doing), he will want more formalized visitation.
How have you in similar situations managed this?
I've been with my ABF for years, and we recently had a child together. I also grew up in a home with an A father. Since having the child I have become so much more educated on alcoholism and how it's affected me. I've attended Al-Anon meetings and gone to counseling and will continue to do so.
Now though, I'm 'stuck' in this relationship. I stumbled upon the sticky note about being hooked in a boundary-less relationship, and boy, that's me. I do set boundaries, but I am stuck for several reasons.
I remember the court ordering my father not to drink when he had us for visitation every other weekend. I remember being dropped off at a pizza place and watching him consume several pitchers of beer. It was me at the age of 13 who said I didn't want to see him if he drinks. My toddler won't be able to say that. So, the thought of handing over my child to his father without me around makes me anxious. He has been alone with his father maybe 5 times in the past year. I trust him when he's sober, but I don't trust him to turn down a drink when he's taking care of our son. I know when we break up (which we are very close to doing), he will want more formalized visitation.
How have you in similar situations managed this?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
In my life, I have found that the active alcoholic will not uphold the visitation as established by the courts. It has been my experience that any opportunity that involves drinking will take precedence over visits with children. And my role as the sober parent is to allow that to happen.
I also learned that trying to force my ex-spouse to become an active parent after the divorce was not healthy. I had to check myself on that issue. I was trying to manipulate the other adult into becoming a role model parent when they clearly had other priorities.
I do not force visitation. I accept cancellations and make other plans. I look at is as I get to spend more time with my kids! Yeah me!
Try not to awfulize about a future conflict that may not happen. Stay in your now!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
In my life, I have found that the active alcoholic will not uphold the visitation as established by the courts. It has been my experience that any opportunity that involves drinking will take precedence over visits with children. And my role as the sober parent is to allow that to happen.
I also learned that trying to force my ex-spouse to become an active parent after the divorce was not healthy. I had to check myself on that issue. I was trying to manipulate the other adult into becoming a role model parent when they clearly had other priorities.
I do not force visitation. I accept cancellations and make other plans. I look at is as I get to spend more time with my kids! Yeah me!
Try not to awfulize about a future conflict that may not happen. Stay in your now!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 13
Thank you Pelican. A day at a time, I know this, but don't always know it!
I do know that each day I stay, I'm drained. To have to monitor what I say and how I react so carefully, to wonder constantly if he is drinking, high, or sober, to not know if he'll show up, and to miss out on the joy that the good moments bring---well, frankly, it sucks. To be so disengaged with someone who I am supposed to be in a relationship with...eh.
I'm basically a single parent, besides getting financial support (which he is very good with, amazingly), ABF does not provide consistent enough emotional, physical, or other sorts of support. I've already grieved the loss of our intimacy, trust, and closeness. I feel as though when we do break up, not much will really change, besides the visitation thing.
That's a good reminder to stay in the now. Thank you. I know that I am capable of providing a loving, supportive, alcohol free home for my son, and I guess that's what I can do.
I do know that each day I stay, I'm drained. To have to monitor what I say and how I react so carefully, to wonder constantly if he is drinking, high, or sober, to not know if he'll show up, and to miss out on the joy that the good moments bring---well, frankly, it sucks. To be so disengaged with someone who I am supposed to be in a relationship with...eh.
I'm basically a single parent, besides getting financial support (which he is very good with, amazingly), ABF does not provide consistent enough emotional, physical, or other sorts of support. I've already grieved the loss of our intimacy, trust, and closeness. I feel as though when we do break up, not much will really change, besides the visitation thing.
That's a good reminder to stay in the now. Thank you. I know that I am capable of providing a loving, supportive, alcohol free home for my son, and I guess that's what I can do.
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