Scrubmuncher

I am at around 4 weeks now, maybe a little more I can't figure out exactly the days and remember little of the first couple of weeks. But I am really down in the dumps, I am having strange impulses. I don't want a drink, to get high, to feel abnormal but right now I feel really horrid, like I have no one or anything in the world. And it is true that I don''t. I got out of the hospital and came home and went to bed to avoid temptations and it has worked well for ages now. I'm just keeping myself out of circulation until I know I can reject temptation. Anyway, my father told me today that I have to sod off and get out of their lives, I am anti social, hiding away like I am, and if I don't want to be part of the family then I have to go. Right now I can't be part of nything, just trying to get through my days is stressful enough.
Anyway this has put massive strain on me and where my head is. I'm in a rut, moving this week will send me into drinking, I know it will, part of what is restricting me is having people about to kind of play guard on me, although they don't know it. I can't make them undertand and I am terrified that I have come this far after 22 years, and I'm going to be pushed into the gutter again. I couldn't face a drink, but my mind wants me to want a drink. Right now it doesn't, but these signals will wear my mind down, I will give in eventually, sadly, and without doubt regretfully.
I need to clear these thoughts of hanging myself in the garage etc, if I don't and then I do drink god knows how I will react after being 5 times longer than I ever have in 22 years, One beer will hit me like a ton of bricks no doubt.
Like I said, I don't want a drink, but my mind wants my physical self to want one, but it doesn't, I have an inner war going on inside me right now.

gerryP

Hey Scrub,

Ugh yeah, I remember all to well those early weeks of sobriety. I slept a lot to shut my mind off and napped whenever I was afraid of temptation. It worked very well for me.

I am not an AA'er any longer but I did go to meetings a lot in the first year. It did keep me busy and focused on staying sober. Have you considered AA? There is also an AVERT thread here at SR and I read many posts where members find it very helpful. I also hooked up with a therapist early into my sobriety who put me on a low dose anti depressant to get me through those rough times when reality was hitting me. The medication and therapy together was really what got me feeling better and moving forward. I am feeling and doing great 6 years later and am so grateful that I kept going through the hard times in the beginning to get me where I am today.

Best of everything to you Scrub. keep doing what is working for you. Maybe you ask your parents to try to understand what you don't completely understand yourself and give you more time.

Anna

Hey Scrub,

Your depressions sounds normal to me. It's a huge change in our lives when we stop drinking and begin to recover and I think it can shake us up a lot. Hopefully your depression will ease up as the days and weeks go by. If not, you can always talk to your dr about what's going on.

It honestly sounds like you've made the decision to drink during your move this week. For me, I had to decide that drinking was no longer an option in my life, and then my mind began to work in different ways.

I hope you feel better.

1undone

Is sober living an option for you? I doubt your family wants to kick you out. They are probably thinking by telling you this it will push you to do something. Not the best way to go about it. What you are doing is not healthy and by avoiding life you are just putting off what you think is your future, drinking. It doesn't have to be. You are on the computer. Have you looked for some safe solutions for yourself? You are way too deep in your own head. Get in the solution and you will feel much better.

Jenners

Have you considered writing a letter to your family to explain your feelings? By isolating yourself, they may not know how you truly feel. And after years of them seeing a side of you that you may not really remember, they could likely really benefit from your honest feelings.

This may be a hurdle, but you have come so far. Don't stop now!

wpainterw

You say you believe that your are going to surrender and take a drink. After four weeks of sobriety! (Congratulations on that!) You're going to throw that all away? You don't have to do that. You can refuse to buy into that! You are right in saying that there is part of your brain which wants the alcohol or whatever you were taking, and which is telling the other part of your brain to drink. This is the way it works. This is what addiction is all about. And this is why, to survive (let me repeat that- to survive) you need to say to that part of your brain that you aren't going to fall for that any more. You're going to be sober and if you do that enough then the impulse which tries to get you to drink will grow weaker and weaker.
Don't isolate yourself. Find non drinking friends and seek the help and companionship of alcoholics who have managed to enter into recovery. You can do that. You can choose to do that. Good luck.

W.

laurie6781

Hey Scrub. Contact the Salvation Army in the UK. I bet they can help you. They really have a GREAT recovery program, (rehab with housing) and it is FREE.

No harm in checking it out.

As to what you call depression, I think every one of us experienced that in early recovery, I know I did for at least the first 6 months.

No harm in at least contacting Salvation Army.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

phil

anxiety and deperession follow hand in hand with this disease. Everyone I have ever been in concact with after leaving the bottle has experienced this. For me it was activity that offset these feelings. Any current AA'er would tell you get to a meeting and Id say the same thing. While Im not in the rooms anymore or havent been in a few years the structure in which its run requires being active in your sobriety. Too much down time gets you thinkintoo much and all of these feeling get a chace to surface. If you cant or dont want to go to AA then Id suggest getting outdoors rake the leaves, take a walk, get involved in a task the takes your mind away from your inner feelings.

This disease is very complex and difficult as your experiencing now. Some people are fooled in believing that once the quit the bottle for a few days or weeks their safe, nothing can be farther from the truth. Its going to require a routine to combat all of these episodes and a plan to do so. Surrounding yourself with others helps because they can relate and help with what works for them. AA has been proven to work may I suggest you give it a try.

much luck, phil

wpainterw

This is good stuff what Phil has just said. The first few months after giving up drinking are very dangerous indeed. The body is doing everything it can to convince the conscious mind to relapse and restore the alcohol. And depression comes with the territory. As Phil says the best way to combat this is to keep active, seek the company of other recovering alcoholics, avoid isolating oneself. Live one day at a time and just don't drink. Don't look forward, don't look back. Focus on "now" and don't drink, don't drink, don't drink.

W.

artsoul

Hi Scrub (congrats on 4 weeks - that's great!)

There's some great ideas here I hope are helpful to you..... Shutting yourself away in your room will only add to your depression. Maybe there are some ways you can be helpful to your family..... simple chores or whatever. Doing something for others is a sure way to feel good about ourselves.

Do a little something each day to make things better for yourself, Scrub. Give yourself a chance, OK?

instant

I had some very trying emotional episodes that were very intense for months. Sounds like you need some F2F support.

Stay the course friend.