Scrubmuncher

I am at around 4 weeks now, maybe a little more I can't figure out exactly the days and remember little of the first couple of weeks. But I am really down in the dumps, I am having strange impulses. I don't want a drink, to get high, to feel abnormal but right now I feel really horrid, like I have no one or anything in the world. And it is true that I don''t. I got out of the hospital and came home and went to bed to avoid temptations and it has worked well for ages now. I'm just keeping myself out of circulation until I know I can reject temptation. Anyway, my father told me today that I have to sod off and get out of their lives, I am anti social, hiding away like I am, and if I don't want to be part of the family then I have to go. Right now I can't be part of nything, just trying to get through my days is stressful enough.
Anyway this has put massive strain on me and where my head is. I'm in a rut, moving this week will send me into drinking, I know it will, part of what is restricting me is having people about to kind of play guard on me, although they don't know it. I can't make them undertand and I am terrified that I have come this far after 22 years, and I'm going to be pushed into the gutter again. I couldn't face a drink, but my mind wants me to want a drink. Right now it doesn't, but these signals will wear my mind down, I will give in eventually, sadly, and without doubt regretfully.
I need to clear these thoughts of hanging myself in the garage etc, if I don't and then I do drink god knows how I will react after being 5 times longer than I ever have in 22 years, One beer will hit me like a ton of bricks no doubt.
Like I said, I don't want a drink, but my mind wants my physical self to want one, but it doesn't, I have an inner war going on inside me right now.