AH leaving rehab Saturday...
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AH leaving rehab Saturday...
Happy Thanksgiving all.
Well on 11/12 my AH checked into rehab. As you know there was an insurance appeal that week because the primary insurance denied coverage. The rehab contacted me and asked me to sit in on the third and final appeal to BC/BS. I did. They approved detox and approved residential. Now, here it goes...
Recommended 30 days and then extended living for 90 days.
AH will only stay in residential until Saturday which is technically only 7 days residential if you subtract the 7 days he was in detox.
Do we as a family including his parents feel he is strong enough to come home? No we do not. We had a family session yesterday which didn't go very well. Basically he demands to be released on Saturday. They are not signing off on his certification but are planning discharge instructions which include NA meetings 90/90, EMDR therapy, IOP, and marital/family therapy. He agreed to these conditions but is insistent he is signing out on Saturday. This is a man who used drugs for 27 years. I really never knew him not high. His children never knew him not high. We are unsure what to expect from him. How fragile will he be? He is feeling emotion, true raw feelings for the first time in 27 years. He has a strong cross addiction and we are scared. We are scared of relapse. What in your experiences are we most likely going to be faced with Saturday?
I am working on me. I finished Codependent No More but going to reread it today. PMS going to be starting soon and I get wicked around that time of the month. I finished Boundaries in Marriage. I am reading my Naranon big book. I haven't got to a meeting yet. I plan on it this weekend. I have therapy on Monday. As far as our relationship as a couple well that is not something to focus on right now since he has to work on himself and I have to work on myself. I read alot of statistics of people divorcing after the addict gets clean and works his recovery. Why is that? Any insight on this topic?
Well on 11/12 my AH checked into rehab. As you know there was an insurance appeal that week because the primary insurance denied coverage. The rehab contacted me and asked me to sit in on the third and final appeal to BC/BS. I did. They approved detox and approved residential. Now, here it goes...
Recommended 30 days and then extended living for 90 days.
AH will only stay in residential until Saturday which is technically only 7 days residential if you subtract the 7 days he was in detox.
Do we as a family including his parents feel he is strong enough to come home? No we do not. We had a family session yesterday which didn't go very well. Basically he demands to be released on Saturday. They are not signing off on his certification but are planning discharge instructions which include NA meetings 90/90, EMDR therapy, IOP, and marital/family therapy. He agreed to these conditions but is insistent he is signing out on Saturday. This is a man who used drugs for 27 years. I really never knew him not high. His children never knew him not high. We are unsure what to expect from him. How fragile will he be? He is feeling emotion, true raw feelings for the first time in 27 years. He has a strong cross addiction and we are scared. We are scared of relapse. What in your experiences are we most likely going to be faced with Saturday?
I am working on me. I finished Codependent No More but going to reread it today. PMS going to be starting soon and I get wicked around that time of the month. I finished Boundaries in Marriage. I am reading my Naranon big book. I haven't got to a meeting yet. I plan on it this weekend. I have therapy on Monday. As far as our relationship as a couple well that is not something to focus on right now since he has to work on himself and I have to work on myself. I read alot of statistics of people divorcing after the addict gets clean and works his recovery. Why is that? Any insight on this topic?
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No i agree completely. I am trying to be encouraging but I am not optimistic. I pray for his sake and the sake of my children but...
His emotions are all over. Crying constantly. Then gets a bout of anger when someone gives him suggestions he doesn't want to hear. Such as his therapist who he can't stand. Probably because he doesn't sugar coat it for him and says he has a 4% success rate because he is not completing the full course of treatment.
His emotions are all over. Crying constantly. Then gets a bout of anger when someone gives him suggestions he doesn't want to hear. Such as his therapist who he can't stand. Probably because he doesn't sugar coat it for him and says he has a 4% success rate because he is not completing the full course of treatment.
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I am working on my recovery. Truly I am. I am and was addicted to the addict. I was very sad tonight he didn't call. So my kids had me call the rehab to check in since he was quite emotional at our therapy session yesterday. They said they were not able to make phone calls and he was rather emotional he couldn't reach out to his family tonight to wish them a happy thanksgiving and was concerned we thought he was mad at us for the way the therapy session went yesterday.
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Anvilhead thank you! You said it loud and clear. I felt that way earlier but I did not verbalize it to anyone. I felt selfish. I am angry. Yesterday in our family therapy session I said it to his family. Here I am investing this time and energy for what!
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His reason for leaving rehab...
He doesn't like the way he is treated like a prisoner. He is locked out of his room from 6am to 9pm and has to sit in meetings after meetings all day and has no leisure time.
REALLY!!! Like has it been leisure time for me!!!
He doesn't like the way he is treated like a prisoner. He is locked out of his room from 6am to 9pm and has to sit in meetings after meetings all day and has no leisure time.
REALLY!!! Like has it been leisure time for me!!!
I'm no angel!
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He has been using for 27 years, to me, rehab for 2 weeks will not cut the mustard, if he were sincere, he would stay where he belongs, in rehab, and, then move into a sober living enviorment.
To satisfy others and get out, he will agree to anything.
So, are you picking him up? And, where is he going to live?
As for why people divorce after recovery, it's because, the addicts personality is what it is, and, many spouses don't understand that, they expect a "New, improved version" doesn't work that way, what you see, is what you get.
Focus on you, don't worry about him, his issue, it's not yours to resolve.
To satisfy others and get out, he will agree to anything.
So, are you picking him up? And, where is he going to live?
As for why people divorce after recovery, it's because, the addicts personality is what it is, and, many spouses don't understand that, they expect a "New, improved version" doesn't work that way, what you see, is what you get.
Focus on you, don't worry about him, his issue, it's not yours to resolve.
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Yes. I was planning on picking him up. He has an apartment.
He's the one leaving early! Let him find his own way back to his apartment.
If you pick him up, that is ENABLING. It is not your problem that he chooses to leave rehab.
Just part of the consequences of his actions.
Please think twice and then again about giving him a ride.
If I were you, I would be going No Contact with him in that when he called if he spoke of anything but the children or anything other than want to speak to the children, I would hang up.
He has no 'intention' of getting clean at this time. He only agreed to 'rehab' to get you and his parents off his back.
So, stay off his back. Don't talk to him. Don't answer his emails, don't respond to his voice mails or text messages.
Sheesh
And PLEASE do not pick him Saturday and give him a ride to his apartment. Should he try and engage you about this, a simple NO will suffice. If he persists before you hang up the phone, a brief "I changed my mind. NO" and then hang up. He is AN ADDICT. Addicts are resourceful. He can find his DOC, he can find a way to his apartment.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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As I learned in AlaAnon, in order to help your addict/alcoholic GET OUT OF THEIR WAY! The need to suffer their own consequences. That's what I learned to do. If you do everything for them they never have to take responsibilities for their own actions.
I'm no angel!
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I agree with Laurie, you need to stop enabling him. Let him take the bus to his apartment. If he wanted drugs he would take a cab, a bus, walk, skip or crawl to get them, so he can surely figure out how to get home. HE IS AN ADULT, not a 5 year old child, you are not his mommy.
You are part of the problem and until you get yourself straightened out nothing will change.
I really don't know what else to say to you, as all this enabling "stuff" has been covered many times before and you keep doing the same things over and over again and keep expecting different results, it just doesn't work that way.
Sure hope this all works out as you have it envisioned.
You are part of the problem and until you get yourself straightened out nothing will change.
I really don't know what else to say to you, as all this enabling "stuff" has been covered many times before and you keep doing the same things over and over again and keep expecting different results, it just doesn't work that way.
Sure hope this all works out as you have it envisioned.
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I am going to a Naranon F2F meeting tonight at 8pm provided the website is accurate and up-to-date. It is my birthday so my evening will consist of spending time with my children by going to see the Breaking Dawn movie that has been put off and attending a Naranon meeting with my daughter who is 18.
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Originally Posted by familydestroyed 
His emotions are all over. Crying constantly. Then gets a bout of anger when someone gives him suggestions he doesn't want to hear. Such as his therapist who he can't stand. Probably because he doesn't sugar coat it for him and says he has a 4% success rate because he is not completing the full course of treatment.
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Location: Chicago area
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[QUOTE=familydestroyed;3182626
I am trying to be encouraging but I am not optimistic. I pray for his sake and the sake of my children but...[/QUOTE]
Why be anything? You, the family can all sing and clap when he makes a pee pee in the potty or you can get out of his way. Regardless, what you do or don't do, matters squat. Addiction demands he sustain and protect it at all costs. He is going to do what he wants to do which is why he is signing himself out.
Regardless of the outcomes:
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
Imagine the outcome if you and the family used the same energy to disengage and begin to heal yourselves.
I am trying to be encouraging but I am not optimistic. I pray for his sake and the sake of my children but...[/QUOTE]
Why be anything? You, the family can all sing and clap when he makes a pee pee in the potty or you can get out of his way. Regardless, what you do or don't do, matters squat. Addiction demands he sustain and protect it at all costs. He is going to do what he wants to do which is why he is signing himself out.
Regardless of the outcomes:
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
Imagine the outcome if you and the family used the same energy to disengage and begin to heal yourselves.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I spent 4 Thanksgivings ago checking my daughter into her second back to back rehab, this time at that world class place in Minnesota. I had spent the prior 24 hours PERSUADING her Illinois case worker to allow her to be transported from a facility in Michigan and for the facility in Minnesota to accept her, despite that she did not want to be there. I begged her to take the opportunity to stay a few weeks and give it a try and I literally ran out of the place and took a flight home.
Within hours, she had bolted and barricated herself in an office and was cutting herself, threatening suicide. Black Friday, I was informed that they were discharging her because she was untreatable. I remember screaming at the counselors that they could handle James Fry ( Million Pices fame) but could not handle this 100lb child?
It's amazing what one can accomplish over a holiday weekend when one is willing to put every cent they have and their own sanity on the line to fix their child. I found an exclusive dual diagnosis place in California who was willing to accept her. I arranged for an interventionist escort to accompany us from Minnestoa to the facility in California. The interventionist arranged for priority seating to prevent my daughter from doing something really, really desparate on the flight.
Upon landing at LAX, we grabbe Starbucks and approached the escalators to baggage claim and the awaiting limo. The dramatic gameplan was for my daughter to be in the middle of the escort and I. The surge of humanity took over and separated me from them and my daughter began to move fast. So I took an ajoining escalator down. Moments later, I realized my escalator was not going to the same level as my daughter's. So what's a rather frumpy, middle-aged mom to do?
I whipped around and proceeded to run up the down escalator, slipped and fell on my face and rode the escalator down on my belly facing the wrong direction. The escalator deposited my bloody and bruised body and for a second, I grasped the insanity of it all.
I dismissed it, crawled/ limped and screamed my daughter's name throughout the baggage claim area. I had multiple cuts all over my face and was bleeding, profusely. My pants were torn at both knees. My carry on was gone. I was missing a shoe. And I eventually found my daughter sitting outside, having a smoke, without a care in the world.
I'll stop the story here, for now. So many of us here understand the absolute insanity of trying to fix someone else. And the more we tried, the more we lost the ability to control our own reactions and ourselves.
No one, absolutely no one, could have persuaded me, at the time, to disengage and I had not yet discovered this wonderful forum and so many who had walked miles in my shoes.Heck, I eventually stumbled on this forum looking for ways to control my daughter's post rehab living arrangement.
Talk about dumb luck. I am grateful for the tough love expressed by so many, here.
Within hours, she had bolted and barricated herself in an office and was cutting herself, threatening suicide. Black Friday, I was informed that they were discharging her because she was untreatable. I remember screaming at the counselors that they could handle James Fry ( Million Pices fame) but could not handle this 100lb child?
It's amazing what one can accomplish over a holiday weekend when one is willing to put every cent they have and their own sanity on the line to fix their child. I found an exclusive dual diagnosis place in California who was willing to accept her. I arranged for an interventionist escort to accompany us from Minnestoa to the facility in California. The interventionist arranged for priority seating to prevent my daughter from doing something really, really desparate on the flight.
Upon landing at LAX, we grabbe Starbucks and approached the escalators to baggage claim and the awaiting limo. The dramatic gameplan was for my daughter to be in the middle of the escort and I. The surge of humanity took over and separated me from them and my daughter began to move fast. So I took an ajoining escalator down. Moments later, I realized my escalator was not going to the same level as my daughter's. So what's a rather frumpy, middle-aged mom to do?
I whipped around and proceeded to run up the down escalator, slipped and fell on my face and rode the escalator down on my belly facing the wrong direction. The escalator deposited my bloody and bruised body and for a second, I grasped the insanity of it all.
I dismissed it, crawled/ limped and screamed my daughter's name throughout the baggage claim area. I had multiple cuts all over my face and was bleeding, profusely. My pants were torn at both knees. My carry on was gone. I was missing a shoe. And I eventually found my daughter sitting outside, having a smoke, without a care in the world.
I'll stop the story here, for now. So many of us here understand the absolute insanity of trying to fix someone else. And the more we tried, the more we lost the ability to control our own reactions and ourselves.
No one, absolutely no one, could have persuaded me, at the time, to disengage and I had not yet discovered this wonderful forum and so many who had walked miles in my shoes.Heck, I eventually stumbled on this forum looking for ways to control my daughter's post rehab living arrangement.
Talk about dumb luck. I am grateful for the tough love expressed by so many, here.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
Familydestroyed, I am so sorry. You cannot control if he leaves rehab, but you CAN control your actions. What reason would you possibly have to pick him up??!! If he wants to leave, that is his choice, but you do not need to make it easier for him or let him believe that because you are picking him up that you are supporting his choices. He has been getting drugs for 27 years!! If he wants a ride he'll find one!
Within the first month any A will tell you they were itching to leave detox/rehab. An that is the worst time for them to leave. His reasons for wanting to leave show that he has not embraced even basic early concepts in recovery. his addiction put himself where he is. With more time in a good inpatient program you would hopefully find him recognizing that he has to live by rules and away from his family as a result of his own actions; etc. But to get to that point people have to get past that early desire to leave when it comes up. I am so sorry, but if he were not to relapse I would truly be shocked!!
Again, you cannot control that -- if he is going to leave he is going to leave; if he is going to relapse he is going to relapse. But you can control you. He is sending you all the signs that he is not ready if he is turning down the opportunity he has. I agree with Laurie, I would go no contact as she described. You need to set your boundaries and stick to them.
I am glad you are going to a f2f meeting. I hope you find it helpful, and keep going. Have a happy happy birthday.
Within the first month any A will tell you they were itching to leave detox/rehab. An that is the worst time for them to leave. His reasons for wanting to leave show that he has not embraced even basic early concepts in recovery. his addiction put himself where he is. With more time in a good inpatient program you would hopefully find him recognizing that he has to live by rules and away from his family as a result of his own actions; etc. But to get to that point people have to get past that early desire to leave when it comes up. I am so sorry, but if he were not to relapse I would truly be shocked!!
Again, you cannot control that -- if he is going to leave he is going to leave; if he is going to relapse he is going to relapse. But you can control you. He is sending you all the signs that he is not ready if he is turning down the opportunity he has. I agree with Laurie, I would go no contact as she described. You need to set your boundaries and stick to them.
I am glad you are going to a f2f meeting. I hope you find it helpful, and keep going. Have a happy happy birthday.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
out to lunch, thanks so much for sharing that -- what an inspiring story to hear how far you have come in your own recovery in 4 Thanksgivings!! as I have shared here before, my relationship with my mom has really suffered over the years because my mom has continues trying to run up the escalator and fall on her face when it comes to my sister's addiction (i am so sorry that actually happened to you . . .but what a truly amazing metaphor it is for getting wrapped up in the addictions of our loved ones and thinking we can control it!!). i had to finally accept that just as much as i can't control my ASis, i can't control my mom. but your story gives me hope that she too might eventually recognize the insanity of it all. and after my thanksgiving with my mom yesterday, i needed that 
thanks.
thanks.
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