here we go again???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
here we go again???
I cannot believe that the tears and confusion are back in my life.
He's not drinking, but after several months of fewer meetings, and less frequent talks with his sponsor, my rabf says he cannot see me the following weekend because he is working at 1pm on Sunday, and I work until 5 on Sat. I don't really get it because we only live 40 minutes away from one another, and it shouldn't be an issue, but I say fine because I have learned to let him be, and I know how to be happy without him too.
And then he doesn't call until Sunday morning, and he sounds weird. Cold and distant, like how he sounded when he told me to move out of his house so he could drink, almost 2 years ago.
Then he says he didn't call because he was content not to see me and felt guilty, and also he was relieved not to have to make the drive. I say that's fine, but I am offended to hear that it's such a burden to drive 40 minutes to see me.
Then a few days later he says that he needs space, and although he loves me, he doesn't think we should see each other every weekend. I question this as we don't live together, and so what kind of relationship will this be if we only see one another once or twice a month. But ok, if that's how you want it.
Then he says that he doesn't want to come up because I am busy, and distracted and don't have time for him. I have 2 dogs, one is a puppy, I have a teenage daughter, and I live in a small home. Of course it is distracting at times. But in the evening, when we are alone, and the dogs are quiet, he is tired and wants to go to sleep. At 6:30 in the morning, when he wants my attention, I have 2 dogs plus his dog to feed and take care of...and I cannot get into a deep conversation at that time.
I am frustrated, and I have suggested we see a couples therapist who specializes in alcohol addiction. Since we have not seen one another, he is now back to his daily meetings, and talking with his sponsor everyday. This is great, but he is making me sad and crazy.
He also says that I could do worse, that he is a good guy. If I didn't know that, I would not be with him this long. He has put me through hell, but he is recovering, and he is still the same funny and smart, and thoughtful and loving person I want to be with....I think???
Please share any and all perspectives, I don't want to be miserable...is this recovery? Or am I hanging on to old resentment and anger about what he put me through in the past? I know I am very protective of the life I have made for myself...but I have good reason, and I am happy.
I don't know what he wants. I know I want to be loved and cherished. Don't we all?
He's not drinking, but after several months of fewer meetings, and less frequent talks with his sponsor, my rabf says he cannot see me the following weekend because he is working at 1pm on Sunday, and I work until 5 on Sat. I don't really get it because we only live 40 minutes away from one another, and it shouldn't be an issue, but I say fine because I have learned to let him be, and I know how to be happy without him too.
And then he doesn't call until Sunday morning, and he sounds weird. Cold and distant, like how he sounded when he told me to move out of his house so he could drink, almost 2 years ago.
Then he says he didn't call because he was content not to see me and felt guilty, and also he was relieved not to have to make the drive. I say that's fine, but I am offended to hear that it's such a burden to drive 40 minutes to see me.
Then a few days later he says that he needs space, and although he loves me, he doesn't think we should see each other every weekend. I question this as we don't live together, and so what kind of relationship will this be if we only see one another once or twice a month. But ok, if that's how you want it.
Then he says that he doesn't want to come up because I am busy, and distracted and don't have time for him. I have 2 dogs, one is a puppy, I have a teenage daughter, and I live in a small home. Of course it is distracting at times. But in the evening, when we are alone, and the dogs are quiet, he is tired and wants to go to sleep. At 6:30 in the morning, when he wants my attention, I have 2 dogs plus his dog to feed and take care of...and I cannot get into a deep conversation at that time.
I am frustrated, and I have suggested we see a couples therapist who specializes in alcohol addiction. Since we have not seen one another, he is now back to his daily meetings, and talking with his sponsor everyday. This is great, but he is making me sad and crazy.
He also says that I could do worse, that he is a good guy. If I didn't know that, I would not be with him this long. He has put me through hell, but he is recovering, and he is still the same funny and smart, and thoughtful and loving person I want to be with....I think???
Please share any and all perspectives, I don't want to be miserable...is this recovery? Or am I hanging on to old resentment and anger about what he put me through in the past? I know I am very protective of the life I have made for myself...but I have good reason, and I am happy.
I don't know what he wants. I know I want to be loved and cherished. Don't we all?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think needing distance and time is common in recovery. It could be a sign of health that he wants more time to himself. It could also be a sign that he's drinking again and doesn't want you to know.
But enough about him. What about you? Are you going to Al-Anon? Are you seeing a counselor? I found that one good part of not spending all my time worrying about my AH was all the time I got to care for myself.
But enough about him. What about you? Are you going to Al-Anon? Are you seeing a counselor? I found that one good part of not spending all my time worrying about my AH was all the time I got to care for myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Oh hell no!
this guy made you move out...2 YEARS ago...and your still in a relationship with him...and he's in recovery... sort of...
I say sort of because he's trying to still manipulate you!
He's trying to make you feel bad because you have a life without him..and when he's there you can't give him 100% of your attention. SERIOUSLY? what is he, Five????
Think it's time to see how well he really fits in your life...not how you make your life fit around him ....
this guy made you move out...2 YEARS ago...and your still in a relationship with him...and he's in recovery... sort of...
I say sort of because he's trying to still manipulate you!
He's trying to make you feel bad because you have a life without him..and when he's there you can't give him 100% of your attention. SERIOUSLY? what is he, Five????
Think it's time to see how well he really fits in your life...not how you make your life fit around him ....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
maybe you guys just aren't that compatible??? he's kinda doing his thing, and you already have a pretty busy life. i hear you saying more than once "he makes me......or he put me thru....." when in reality he's simply doing what he does and you are choosing to react.
you still aren't getting YOUR needs met in this relationship. you want something that isn't there. if he's a great guy, relax, and let it happen in it's own time - accept what he has to offer.
you still aren't getting YOUR needs met in this relationship. you want something that isn't there. if he's a great guy, relax, and let it happen in it's own time - accept what he has to offer.
All this above, or.....don't. As much as I wish I could make things different, I have two choices to make in regards to my marriage to an alcoholic now in recovery. I can accept things as they are, or not.
Sometimes that knowledge is a very bitter pill to swallow. Take this time for yourself - let him be and give some thought to what you want out of this relationship. It's ok to take some space once in a while.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How does the quote go? "Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” I found a really good boyfriend who doesn't drink and doesn't do drugs and who makes me as much a priority as I make him. What a relief!
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