wife realizes she's an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
wife realizes she's an alcoholic
Hi, I am new to thte forum and totally confused..
My wife recently told me she wants a seperate/divorce. She has been unfaithful and feels she has addiction issues. She says she loves me, but not in love. She is going to treatment for the first time today and says she wants to take control of her addiction to better her life. Since she has told me this I have tried to take everything in and am seeing a counselor that knows us both. I have found out that there have always been concerns with addiction and my wife lied to me about it/ or I just ignored it..
Here is why I am confused. She says that she wants to do this alone and we should seperate. She also says we have lost our spark and she wants more. I am concerned that there is so much going on with her that she is not thinking straight. I was leaning toward a divorce, but I do love her and she says she loves me. I do not want to jump the gun and get a divorce, but shoul we seperate? I would still be close to home and we would most likely continue to talk.. Since she told me, we have talked more than we have in years and with honesty. I also do not know if we lost the spark or was it drowned by alcohol and lack of attention to the marriage.
I can seperate the addiction from the person, but she has not. Will treatment help her see her own self worth and will she see clearer? Should I take it slow and just seperate, even with how she says she feels right now?
My wife recently told me she wants a seperate/divorce. She has been unfaithful and feels she has addiction issues. She says she loves me, but not in love. She is going to treatment for the first time today and says she wants to take control of her addiction to better her life. Since she has told me this I have tried to take everything in and am seeing a counselor that knows us both. I have found out that there have always been concerns with addiction and my wife lied to me about it/ or I just ignored it..
Here is why I am confused. She says that she wants to do this alone and we should seperate. She also says we have lost our spark and she wants more. I am concerned that there is so much going on with her that she is not thinking straight. I was leaning toward a divorce, but I do love her and she says she loves me. I do not want to jump the gun and get a divorce, but shoul we seperate? I would still be close to home and we would most likely continue to talk.. Since she told me, we have talked more than we have in years and with honesty. I also do not know if we lost the spark or was it drowned by alcohol and lack of attention to the marriage.
I can seperate the addiction from the person, but she has not. Will treatment help her see her own self worth and will she see clearer? Should I take it slow and just seperate, even with how she says she feels right now?
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
A solid suggestion is to not change too many things at once. First things first and one thing at a time. My experience was that my wife's thinking and attitudes were significantly affected before and after treatment in a great many ways. As were mine since I took the same time to go to as many Al-Anon meetings as possible.
When faced with the prospect of making significant, life-altering, indelible choices I must ask myself if the decision must be made now. If not then I am free to focus on what does need attention now and wait for more to be revealed on the bigger issue.
When faced with the prospect of making significant, life-altering, indelible choices I must ask myself if the decision must be made now. If not then I am free to focus on what does need attention now and wait for more to be revealed on the bigger issue.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we do understand!
I agree that Alanon will offer you additional support as well as helpful literature.
One of the first lessons I needed to learn was about the three C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
The addiction belonged to my loved one.
I needed to focus on my personal recovery of living with alcoholism. I had lost touch with who I was and what I wanted out of my one precious life.
I don't know what path you should take at this point in your life. That is a hard personal decision to make. I had to make a similar choice.
One of the steps I took to get clarity was to consult with a lawyer. (most will offer a free consultation). Find out what your legal issues will be with seperation vs. divorce. Once I got my facts together, gave myself enough time to come to a decision that gave me peace, then I was able to take action for my future.
Sending you encourgement and support as you find your path
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we do understand!
I agree that Alanon will offer you additional support as well as helpful literature.
One of the first lessons I needed to learn was about the three C's of alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
The addiction belonged to my loved one.
I needed to focus on my personal recovery of living with alcoholism. I had lost touch with who I was and what I wanted out of my one precious life.
I don't know what path you should take at this point in your life. That is a hard personal decision to make. I had to make a similar choice.
One of the steps I took to get clarity was to consult with a lawyer. (most will offer a free consultation). Find out what your legal issues will be with seperation vs. divorce. Once I got my facts together, gave myself enough time to come to a decision that gave me peace, then I was able to take action for my future.
Sending you encourgement and support as you find your path
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,853
As far as her recovery goes, she does need to do that alone. If she hopes to beat alcoholism, her recovery requires her full attention. Of course, that doesn't mean she needs to be divorced in order to it. Instead of moving straight to divorce, perhaps it would be best to separate for a while and just see how things go. It would give each of you time to work on your own issues, her through rehab and you through al-anon or counseling or whatever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
Good advice. We have been married for only 2 yrs and together for 7. We both have talked about a divorce since she first brought it up and know that we can do it amicably now, but who knows in the future.
I have been divorced so I have a little history to work off of and we have never mingled our finances. We also do not have any kids. All of these things should make the worst case scenario not as difficult.
I want to work on our marriage because I believe many of the issues she thinks we have are driven by the alcohol. I am not sure what she is thinking and if it is truly what she wants.
I have been divorced so I have a little history to work off of and we have never mingled our finances. We also do not have any kids. All of these things should make the worst case scenario not as difficult.
I want to work on our marriage because I believe many of the issues she thinks we have are driven by the alcohol. I am not sure what she is thinking and if it is truly what she wants.
Last edited by hef; 11-17-2011 at 01:13 PM. Reason: added more
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Chances are highly likely she doesn't know what she wants yet in regards to your relationship. My RAH and I separated...I had to separate in order to refocus on myself, and I don't believe I would have been good for him while he worked on his own recovery. It has been a year of ups and downs, signed divorce paperwork, counseling attempts, reconciliation, etc. About the same whirlwind as when he was drinking heavily. The road to recovery is not easy, but it is doable.
Al-Anon and reading as much as I could helped me get through the confusing times and practice patience, tolerance, and acceptance. Give it a try - focusing on yourself right now instead of your marriage - and let her focus on her own recovery, because ultimately, that's whats most important.
Al-Anon and reading as much as I could helped me get through the confusing times and practice patience, tolerance, and acceptance. Give it a try - focusing on yourself right now instead of your marriage - and let her focus on her own recovery, because ultimately, that's whats most important.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
I am working on myself and have made it clear that I understand that she needs to do this for herself. Hopefully, She will follow through and go to detox like she said she would.
I went for an evaluation, because I did not know if I needed treatment or I needed Al-Anon. We have drank together for a number of years and I have never taken a break. I plan on stopping immediately as she goes in and they suggested outpatient. I will be doing both to take care of myself.
Prayers welcome.
I went for an evaluation, because I did not know if I needed treatment or I needed Al-Anon. We have drank together for a number of years and I have never taken a break. I plan on stopping immediately as she goes in and they suggested outpatient. I will be doing both to take care of myself.
Prayers welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
update.. i am really confused
Well..
She came out of detox yesterday, knows she has a problem, and went to her first AA meeting last night. I am very happy for her taking the responsibility to take care of herself. She is also very open with everyone that she can not drink.
She is confused about our marriage, yet likes that I support her. I get really mixed signals and she has physically detached from me, but is very open with me.
I am confused myself. I have been heartbroken by her and have been misled. She has cheated on me numerous times when drinking, and hidden it very well.
I feel like I am being punished. I know she is going through a rough time, but I am not sure that my being with her is the healthiest thing for me. I do love her, but the distance between us makes it very diffiicult.
As for my assessment -I must have a had a beakdown last week. My assessment was fine and i do not have a drinking problem.. If I would have thought about it I would have realized how little I drink.
She came out of detox yesterday, knows she has a problem, and went to her first AA meeting last night. I am very happy for her taking the responsibility to take care of herself. She is also very open with everyone that she can not drink.
She is confused about our marriage, yet likes that I support her. I get really mixed signals and she has physically detached from me, but is very open with me.
I am confused myself. I have been heartbroken by her and have been misled. She has cheated on me numerous times when drinking, and hidden it very well.
I feel like I am being punished. I know she is going through a rough time, but I am not sure that my being with her is the healthiest thing for me. I do love her, but the distance between us makes it very diffiicult.
As for my assessment -I must have a had a beakdown last week. My assessment was fine and i do not have a drinking problem.. If I would have thought about it I would have realized how little I drink.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I get the alcohol part, very well
I get the spouse leaving you, very well also. After a 28 day rehab, mine up and moved 2,000 miles away from me, yet to this day, claiming to love me. He went straight back to drinking and still hasnt stopped.
You mentioned that she cheated on you several times. That alone is NUTS!!
Why would you want to be with her?
Because she was drinking, that caused her to sleep around?
Have you thought about getting tested for STD'S?
I dont know about you dude, but that grosses me out
Once again, Why would you want to be with her?
Only 2 years of marriage, no kids, alcoholic, sleeps around...
Brings me to wonder, how well did you know her before you married her??
Did you know she drank when you met her and thought maybe you could
change her?....Hmmm
After 16 years of marriage to an alcoholic (Which at one time was a wonderful person)
If I had to do it all over again..I would of ran away as fast as I could and found
someone else, I really would...
She will always be an alcoholic till the day she dies
If she get's sober for 5 years and begins to drink & cheat again
Are you willing to take that gamble???
Like they said above: FIND A ALANON CLASS, it is designed to help YOU!!!!
And really think hard of why you want to be with someone who cheats on you..
That really baffles me, that you would stay with just that....
Keep on posting, their is some great words of wisdom on here. Not just from your post
but others, so read, read and read. Educate yourself on alcoholism. It's not no fun...
I get the spouse leaving you, very well also. After a 28 day rehab, mine up and moved 2,000 miles away from me, yet to this day, claiming to love me. He went straight back to drinking and still hasnt stopped.
You mentioned that she cheated on you several times. That alone is NUTS!!
Why would you want to be with her?
Because she was drinking, that caused her to sleep around?
Have you thought about getting tested for STD'S?
I dont know about you dude, but that grosses me out
Once again, Why would you want to be with her?
Only 2 years of marriage, no kids, alcoholic, sleeps around...
Brings me to wonder, how well did you know her before you married her??
Did you know she drank when you met her and thought maybe you could
change her?....Hmmm
After 16 years of marriage to an alcoholic (Which at one time was a wonderful person)
If I had to do it all over again..I would of ran away as fast as I could and found
someone else, I really would...
She will always be an alcoholic till the day she dies
If she get's sober for 5 years and begins to drink & cheat again
Are you willing to take that gamble???
Like they said above: FIND A ALANON CLASS, it is designed to help YOU!!!!
And really think hard of why you want to be with someone who cheats on you..
That really baffles me, that you would stay with just that....
Keep on posting, their is some great words of wisdom on here. Not just from your post
but others, so read, read and read. Educate yourself on alcoholism. It's not no fun...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Hef-
I finally got help for myself about the issues of A when I found out my exAH was having an affair with a friends of mine who also struggled with alcohol.
It has been a big struggle but I have learned a lot about myself.
Al-anon helped me so much. It helps with something called loving detachment. This was important to me in not only dealing with the alcoholism but the affair.
I have always done counseling, but I did more and some different types. This website helped learning about the alcohol side of things (and reading A LOT of literature on alcoholism).
There are a number of support systems out there for affairs also. Surviving Infidelity is a site similar to this one for affairs. I also did a lot of reading.....Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (Susan is the first name....I can't remember her last), and After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.
Keep working on you. It is not easy to heal from this, but it does get easier.
I finally got help for myself about the issues of A when I found out my exAH was having an affair with a friends of mine who also struggled with alcohol.
It has been a big struggle but I have learned a lot about myself.
Al-anon helped me so much. It helps with something called loving detachment. This was important to me in not only dealing with the alcoholism but the affair.
I have always done counseling, but I did more and some different types. This website helped learning about the alcohol side of things (and reading A LOT of literature on alcoholism).
There are a number of support systems out there for affairs also. Surviving Infidelity is a site similar to this one for affairs. I also did a lot of reading.....Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (Susan is the first name....I can't remember her last), and After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.
Keep working on you. It is not easy to heal from this, but it does get easier.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
My wife and I separated while she was in recovery for the second time. Neither of us knew what the outcome would be, but after a year we moved back in together and have been together since.
That said, there are good days and bad days. And, we agree that the only reason we can be together is that we each are working our programs (AA for her and Alanon for me).
Good luck.
Cyranoak
That said, there are good days and bad days. And, we agree that the only reason we can be together is that we each are working our programs (AA for her and Alanon for me).
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
I decided that we shoul just get divorced. If anything happens after that I will worryabout that then. Since there was infidelity, I do not think I want to leave any strings to our relationship if I move out. I an not do this and be healthy. I also do not want to feel manipulated. We are also getting along right now and she is sober. if we wait, I am just risking complications and pain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 10
I have to say that it would be easier if we were not living together. We are going forward with the divorce and she is doing well on her recovery, but I have stay in the house to take care of the dogs and she doesn't want to move out temporarily to make it easier on me.
I am counting the days and hope we can fast track the divorce. My dissappointment in her is beyond words and the alcoholism just allowed her to ignore the problems instead of us working on them. I was ignorant and just feel like a fool when she is around. Oh yeah.. she is a fantastic manipulator.
I am looking forward to the day that I can focus on myself in my own space... It can't come soon enough.
Also, for those of you looking for a wonderful spiritual read, try Dan Millman's Peaceful Warrior books. They are very good for those of us trying to put our lives back together!
I am counting the days and hope we can fast track the divorce. My dissappointment in her is beyond words and the alcoholism just allowed her to ignore the problems instead of us working on them. I was ignorant and just feel like a fool when she is around. Oh yeah.. she is a fantastic manipulator.
I am looking forward to the day that I can focus on myself in my own space... It can't come soon enough.
Also, for those of you looking for a wonderful spiritual read, try Dan Millman's Peaceful Warrior books. They are very good for those of us trying to put our lives back together!
Programmaddict
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
There was a time when I had to learn to be happy when the alcoholic was drinking.
Now I strive to remain happy even though she is not drinking.
I used to think if the drinking would stop it would all be okay.
I was proven wrong.
I used to think if I could just get alone it would all be okay.
I found that no matter where I go there I am.
Now I strive to remain happy even though she is not drinking.
I used to think if the drinking would stop it would all be okay.
I was proven wrong.
I used to think if I could just get alone it would all be okay.
I found that no matter where I go there I am.
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