davaidavai

I met someone once last year. I never meet anyone, first of all, so I kind of felt like, holy cow, this is new. This person took me to an NA meeting. I thought she wanted to quit pot and alcohol, but when I discussed quitting, she would get hostile, like I was imposing on her. I really liked her when sober. When stoned she was distant and strange. She wanted me to be into her hobbies, tarot, etc. Once she bought me an energy reading. I was always respectful of these interests, but not really interested. She said I was closed minded, although she wasn't interested in listening to my perspective on God, reason, the cosmos. She told me she was seeing someone else at the same time, didn't want to commit, and so I left. To be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted to commit, given her hostility. But I was still willing to give it a shot, and leaving her was hard. She said she loved me. It was the first time someone told me that in over 10 years.

She contacted me nearly every day for 6 months. Every day. Very brief messages. Hello. Goodbye. I found them slightly annoying. I never stopped thinking about her.

Finally, I went to visit her. That very same night she came home drunk with some guy. They had sex all night long as I lay in the other room. I could her them talking, screwing. It was horrifying, yet liberating. I felt releaved of my illusion.

In the morning, I made up some excuse and left. I felt really relieved. I didn't contact her. I felt like she was sending me a message. The message was "I don't care about you." Then she wrote me, offended that I had not contacted her. It was like she didn't understand what had transpired. She blamed me for me leaving her even though she was seeing someone else. I wrote her totally furious. I wasn't wounded: I knew that I didn't want to be with this person and the knowledge was like a gift, but I was nevertheless amazed that someone could be so rude.

Because I meet people so rarely, I guess I still think about this. For me what we had was intense, but it was like she wanted to have her cake and eat it too: wanted me, wanted other men, wanted to go to NA, wanted to get stoned everyday, drink, take pills, wanted to have a monolithic image of men, wanted to display the same drunken insensitivity promiscuity that she saw in 'men', wanted to be spiritual, wanted to believe in every mercantile spirtualism produced. I felt like NA was all a part of that same not caring. Like, Oh, I go to NA so this means I can do whatever I want. It was like all of it, the whole narrative of being an 'addict', of being 'spiritual' 'in tune' was the same narcissitic act of self-enablment.

It really still pisses me off thinking about it. What a wonderful, brilliant, gross narcissist and victim of our era.

steve1840

classic. been there, done that, doing that. she sounds young or immature and narcissistic. i had not met anyone in a long time before i became smitten with the gf who i allowed my life to turn upside down for. be glad you are out of it. it was all looking for what you wanted after you saw through the veil. better to go another ten years than be stuck in hell.

outtolunch

I don't care for Laura Schlesinger's politics. Having said this, she has written 2 incredible books:

10 Things Women Do to Mess UP their Lives
10 Things Men Do To Mess Up their Lives.

Amazon has used copies for sale begining at 1 cent, plus S/H.

Both are the sort of books that can change lives.

davaidavai

Yes, you're right, I'm a bit non-confrontational; however, I'm good at making early exits! That particular night, I had no where else to go (was actually staying at her place). It was so nuts, I thought it better to make an excuse to leave rather than to confront her directly. I should have realized.

There was more: anti-deppressants, therapy, the story of her cocaine experience, being in her mid 30s.

There were good things about her too. Such potential, but instead of breaking open and just admitting clulessness, helplessness, it was as if all the therapy and acts of change, spirituality were implemented to feed and bolster her narcissism, to defend against admitting fundamental weakness.

The thing that bugged me the most, however, was the foux spirituality, how it factors into the narcissism of practically every ultra liberal pot head I have ever met. How it is common and consumed, like processed cheese.

outtolunch

Falling for someone's potential, what we want and/or need them to be, is common stuff in relationships. As time goes on, the gap between our hopeful fantasy and reality widens. It's probably the root cause of a substantial percentage of divorces.