Is it too soon for me to see him?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Is it too soon for me to see him?
Hello everyone, my son has been in a residential rehab for Heroin since 10-24. He was in jail for almost 4 months before the spot became available and they provided him the option of going to rehab for a 6 month program. He contacted me on his first day there to ask for clothes since he didn't have anything. I brought him clothes and some books. Since then, he reached out to his brother who is 16. He let his brother know he could visit him, I did take my son to see him and left them together for about 30 minutes. They have a close relationship and I believe my older son (AS) is very attached to his brother.
I would like to begin seeing my RAS again, wondering if I should let him know that ? I am a HUGE codependent and I take responsibility for letting my older son use our family during his active addiction. As I struggle with the following emotions:
1: I really would love to hug my son and see how he is doing. I haven't had any real conversation with him since July other than a few letters and brief phone calls.
2: I want him to know we still love him. I want him to know someday, when he is clean and ready, we want to resume a relationship.
I ALSO know that he is the one who needs to feel comfortable with me again. A lot of bad things happened when he was using and it may be too soon for him to face me.
I appreciate anyone's support or guidance, I am here to ask for help and every day I see good advice from all of your past experience.
I am HOLDING BACK from going there without an invitiation.
I would like to begin seeing my RAS again, wondering if I should let him know that ? I am a HUGE codependent and I take responsibility for letting my older son use our family during his active addiction. As I struggle with the following emotions:
1: I really would love to hug my son and see how he is doing. I haven't had any real conversation with him since July other than a few letters and brief phone calls.
2: I want him to know we still love him. I want him to know someday, when he is clean and ready, we want to resume a relationship.
I ALSO know that he is the one who needs to feel comfortable with me again. A lot of bad things happened when he was using and it may be too soon for him to face me.
I appreciate anyone's support or guidance, I am here to ask for help and every day I see good advice from all of your past experience.
I am HOLDING BACK from going there without an invitiation.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Well hello, again. You are the parent I admired for calling the Police when your son was robbing you blind. So many parents ( including me) did/do not do so because they think that by doing so, it will ruin their kid's life and forget that dope is ruining their kids life.
Another way of looking at this is that we parents will do just about anything to sustain our fantasies that we can control/influence their adult child and outcomes. We deny our children the opportunity tp experience the consequences of their lousy choices and without consequences, there is absolutely no hope that our children will, one day, embrace recovery.
By calling the Police and pressing charges, you may have saved his life. He might have been staring up the barrel of a gun, at the next place he robbed.
Back to the immediate situation. Sounds like the court gave him an option to seek treatment or serve his time in prison. He choose the opportunity. Let's not forget that his crimes landed him there. This is not sleep away camp where family are welcome to visit and bring cookies.
There's no telling if he's marking time or has made a huge personal commitment to his own recovery. Rehab does not cure addiction. At best it can teach a highly motivated guest some of the tools of recovery. Rehab is the easy part. It's the rest of life that's a challenge.
He has not invited you to visit. Maybe he's mad. Maybe he's embarassed. Maybe it has not dawned on him to do so.
Maybe it's time to change the relationship to adult to adult instead of parent-child. Parents, like vampires, need to wait for the invitation to come in.
Another way of looking at this is that we parents will do just about anything to sustain our fantasies that we can control/influence their adult child and outcomes. We deny our children the opportunity tp experience the consequences of their lousy choices and without consequences, there is absolutely no hope that our children will, one day, embrace recovery.
By calling the Police and pressing charges, you may have saved his life. He might have been staring up the barrel of a gun, at the next place he robbed.
Back to the immediate situation. Sounds like the court gave him an option to seek treatment or serve his time in prison. He choose the opportunity. Let's not forget that his crimes landed him there. This is not sleep away camp where family are welcome to visit and bring cookies.
There's no telling if he's marking time or has made a huge personal commitment to his own recovery. Rehab does not cure addiction. At best it can teach a highly motivated guest some of the tools of recovery. Rehab is the easy part. It's the rest of life that's a challenge.
He has not invited you to visit. Maybe he's mad. Maybe he's embarassed. Maybe it has not dawned on him to do so.
Maybe it's time to change the relationship to adult to adult instead of parent-child. Parents, like vampires, need to wait for the invitation to come in.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello OTL, so true about waiting for the invitation. Thank you again for the perspective. I believe he is mad and that is actually good. He bottled up so many emotions for so long and was a passive/agressive personality.
I truly appreciate your comment about saving his life. Many have told me that, and I thank God for giving me and our family the courage to go through with that nightmare.
I love him and just want him to believe that. He may or may not, but I at least know he called when I extended the offer to get his clothes to him.
I feel better talking it out, have a great day!
Teresa
TT
I truly appreciate your comment about saving his life. Many have told me that, and I thank God for giving me and our family the courage to go through with that nightmare.
I love him and just want him to believe that. He may or may not, but I at least know he called when I extended the offer to get his clothes to him.
I feel better talking it out, have a great day!
Teresa
TT
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
staying tough is the best way for your son to heal. let him focus on his recovery & you focus on yours. it is hard. this is your child & you love him. if your son is doubting your love as of now when the time comes he will KNOW u love him. most rehabs have a family meeting toward to end of their stay. hold out till later. prayers for u & for him. i know u miss him.
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