post A relationship - got it wrong again? advice appreciated
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post A relationship - got it wrong again? advice appreciated
hello all,
I have been trying to rebuild my life after AH. I thought I met someone great. But, I am afraid my codieness has gotten the best of me and I may have ignored red flags.
This guy has been saying things to me and then changing his story later on. On small minor things, so I have been wondering if he may be a compulsive liar. but those were small insignificant lies and I said to myself I would wait and see.
Now, last night I caught a glimpse of a webpage as he was shutting his laptop. He had been looking at porn. he said a friend had sent him a link and he had opened it but that he never looks at porn. Now I don't know what bugs me the most, that he looked at porn or made an excuse for it.
As for going on that website per se, I don't know. do all guys do this? is this acceptable, or not? I know it is upsetting me. then he stayed there sitting by the bed, eyes shut and head in his hands until I asked what was wrong, and he said he was not feeling too well.
then he said that I was not going to trust him ever again. ... well, now I think he has been talking BS all the time. that he just made things up so that I would find him interesting and so he could get me into bed, which would explain all the different stories he gave me, as he could not remember his lies very well?
And now I am even wondering if he intentionally let me see he was watching porn so that he could make up an excuse for why we should break up... (the laptop was shut on the table, then he was opening it and shut it as soon as he saw that page was up there)i am so confused right now. He has not called today and neither have I . I figure he should be the one calling me. Maybe he is just waiting to see if I will come back to him.
argh. my mind is racing, I can't eat, can't sleep, and I want to give up. I am scared of getting caught again into magical thinking like I was with AH. what do you think? what I know this time is if better experienced people tell me to run, I will ...
I have been trying to rebuild my life after AH. I thought I met someone great. But, I am afraid my codieness has gotten the best of me and I may have ignored red flags.
This guy has been saying things to me and then changing his story later on. On small minor things, so I have been wondering if he may be a compulsive liar. but those were small insignificant lies and I said to myself I would wait and see.
Now, last night I caught a glimpse of a webpage as he was shutting his laptop. He had been looking at porn. he said a friend had sent him a link and he had opened it but that he never looks at porn. Now I don't know what bugs me the most, that he looked at porn or made an excuse for it.
As for going on that website per se, I don't know. do all guys do this? is this acceptable, or not? I know it is upsetting me. then he stayed there sitting by the bed, eyes shut and head in his hands until I asked what was wrong, and he said he was not feeling too well.
then he said that I was not going to trust him ever again. ... well, now I think he has been talking BS all the time. that he just made things up so that I would find him interesting and so he could get me into bed, which would explain all the different stories he gave me, as he could not remember his lies very well?
And now I am even wondering if he intentionally let me see he was watching porn so that he could make up an excuse for why we should break up... (the laptop was shut on the table, then he was opening it and shut it as soon as he saw that page was up there)i am so confused right now. He has not called today and neither have I . I figure he should be the one calling me. Maybe he is just waiting to see if I will come back to him.
argh. my mind is racing, I can't eat, can't sleep, and I want to give up. I am scared of getting caught again into magical thinking like I was with AH. what do you think? what I know this time is if better experienced people tell me to run, I will ...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,912
Well, you already know he lies to you, so is that acceptable? It doesn't really matter if it's a big lie or a small one. A lie is a lie. You also know he looks at porn, even though he denies it. Is that acceptable? You say it's upsetting you, so I would guess it isn't acceptable to you. So, that's two red flags already, right?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Whether he let you see on purpose or not doesn't matter. If he watches porn and it bothers you, then it is a problem.
As for the lieing, I, for one, am done with that BS. It is a deal breaker for me. Between my mother the alcoholic and my exabf I have heard enough lies to last a lifetime.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd reach into my recovery toolbox, grab all the tools that you know how to use, and apply them to this situation. Not sleeping, obsessing, waiting and hoping are all codie tendancies...you come so far, don't take any steps backwards, there is no reason...is there?
As for the lieing, I, for one, am done with that BS. It is a deal breaker for me. Between my mother the alcoholic and my exabf I have heard enough lies to last a lifetime.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd reach into my recovery toolbox, grab all the tools that you know how to use, and apply them to this situation. Not sleeping, obsessing, waiting and hoping are all codie tendancies...you come so far, don't take any steps backwards, there is no reason...is there?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
You sound very young. I don't know, but I think a lot of guys look at porn now and then. Lying is a different issue, but what I have learned about people is that they do what they want and then if called on it, lie about it. Most everyone does this to some extent - I think it is somewhat normal.
(There are studies that kids lie to be able to do what they want - think back to your childhood and teenage years and see if you didn't lie to do what you want . . . and then be really honest with yourself and see if you lie to ANYONE about anything these days . . . could be small white lies about your beliefs to fit in at work, could be not telling the truth about the alcoholics in your family and pretending that everything is "fine," etc. Those are just examples so you can really examine yourself to see if you EVER lie . . .
I think we hold people to higher standards than we hold ourselves to . . .just saying.
(There are studies that kids lie to be able to do what they want - think back to your childhood and teenage years and see if you didn't lie to do what you want . . . and then be really honest with yourself and see if you lie to ANYONE about anything these days . . . could be small white lies about your beliefs to fit in at work, could be not telling the truth about the alcoholics in your family and pretending that everything is "fine," etc. Those are just examples so you can really examine yourself to see if you EVER lie . . .
I think we hold people to higher standards than we hold ourselves to . . .just saying.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Take time to heal, I also chose a loser/lier after XABF and lost another year of my life ..
Now I am afraid of my own picker LOL but, I am taking it slow and being single and knowing myself is Step #1 to realize red flags ASAP and take proactive decisions to keep mental health/sanity...
What about having male FRIENDS..? to practice being valued? and to find out what you like and what you don't like in a man?
Now I am afraid of my own picker LOL but, I am taking it slow and being single and knowing myself is Step #1 to realize red flags ASAP and take proactive decisions to keep mental health/sanity...
What about having male FRIENDS..? to practice being valued? and to find out what you like and what you don't like in a man?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
uh no.
Yes we all can lie but I don't think that that's acceptable if it's seeming like a problem. Trust yourself.
And as for porn, don't let anyone tell you that it's 'okay'. What does porn do that's great for any relationship? Seriously?
If it's the man: it'll make the woman feel less confident, less beautiful, question why he needs to go somewhere else to see something else.
Porn dehumanizes whoever's in the picture and it's usually women.
Art... don't even get me started on that.
If it's art to you then get a big statue and put it on your front yard not hide away in a corner with a book you don't want people to see.
Ranting, sorry.
I'm really happy for you. You're really smart and strong. DO NOT SETTLE. Trust yourself. If you feel like...hmmm... that makes me uncomfortable then get out and listen to what you are questioning.
If you've got a boyfriend who makes you feel uncomfortable because he's so sweet. Then maybe you're scared.
You've got a boyfriend who you catch lying and watching porn and you're uncomfortable... you're smart to leave.
And as for porn, don't let anyone tell you that it's 'okay'. What does porn do that's great for any relationship? Seriously?
If it's the man: it'll make the woman feel less confident, less beautiful, question why he needs to go somewhere else to see something else.
Porn dehumanizes whoever's in the picture and it's usually women.
Art... don't even get me started on that.
If it's art to you then get a big statue and put it on your front yard not hide away in a corner with a book you don't want people to see.
Ranting, sorry.
I'm really happy for you. You're really smart and strong. DO NOT SETTLE. Trust yourself. If you feel like...hmmm... that makes me uncomfortable then get out and listen to what you are questioning.
If you've got a boyfriend who makes you feel uncomfortable because he's so sweet. Then maybe you're scared.
You've got a boyfriend who you catch lying and watching porn and you're uncomfortable... you're smart to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Hi AtDawn,
So, porn. People have different ideas about porn/erotica of course, but it comes down to what you're comfortable with. If you're put off by it and would rather not have a partner who looks at it, that is absolutely acceptable and okay!
But what bothered me most about your post was the weird theatrics of it all. He opens the laptop--OOPS PORN--and then shuts it again with a transparent lie? Then sits there with his head in his hands moaning that you'll never trust him again? Huh?
I wonder if he opened up the laptop to porn to see whether you might like it? You know how people "accidentally" leave sexy books or whatever for a partner to find? But when he saw you were put off he should have just fessed up, and then you could have had an honest talk about it. Him lying and then acting all boo-hoo hurt and manipulative was weird.
Couples tell white lies ("You look great in those MC Hammer pants!") but the thing about "changing his stories" is a different thing altogether. It sounds like your instinct is telling you to back off.
So, porn. People have different ideas about porn/erotica of course, but it comes down to what you're comfortable with. If you're put off by it and would rather not have a partner who looks at it, that is absolutely acceptable and okay!
But what bothered me most about your post was the weird theatrics of it all. He opens the laptop--OOPS PORN--and then shuts it again with a transparent lie? Then sits there with his head in his hands moaning that you'll never trust him again? Huh?
I wonder if he opened up the laptop to porn to see whether you might like it? You know how people "accidentally" leave sexy books or whatever for a partner to find? But when he saw you were put off he should have just fessed up, and then you could have had an honest talk about it. Him lying and then acting all boo-hoo hurt and manipulative was weird.
Couples tell white lies ("You look great in those MC Hammer pants!") but the thing about "changing his stories" is a different thing altogether. It sounds like your instinct is telling you to back off.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Whether or not he does lie or doesn't...for me...the fact that you are questioning anything at all is a red flag that needs to be acknowledged.
Probably saved yourself a lot more heartache by breaking it off - as painful as that is in itself.
Stay strong!
~T
Probably saved yourself a lot more heartache by breaking it off - as painful as that is in itself.
Stay strong!
~T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Yeah, I just divorced an AH and I think it will be a LONG time before I am wanting a relationship because I know I have a tendency to fall fast and hard for people and I really don't want to mistakenly get involved with the wrong guy. Fortunately, I am pretty happy being by myself, and after the last couple years of drama, it's great to have a quiet house at night after the kids go to bed.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by dollydo 
don't take any steps backwards
question is for me to ask is...what is your worth?
oh ya and about porn....its NOT MY BUSINESS
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Atdawn,
It sounds to me like you may need to take a break from dating for a while. When we are hurting or still recovering from anger/resentment - this is not the best time to jump into another relationship. You want to go into a relationship whole and complete and with something to offer. Otherwise you will only attract people who will take advantage of you, lie to you and mistreat you.
Everyone's path is different, so I can't tell you what to do, but I know that my path to feeling at peace involved a lot of therapeutic activity. I went hiking, took pictures, wrote in my journal, shredded old journals, read some books and started seeing a therapist. Like the old saying goes, in order to love anyone or receive love you have to first love yourself. Take time for you. Treat yourself as if you are your best friend.
Panther
It sounds to me like you may need to take a break from dating for a while. When we are hurting or still recovering from anger/resentment - this is not the best time to jump into another relationship. You want to go into a relationship whole and complete and with something to offer. Otherwise you will only attract people who will take advantage of you, lie to you and mistreat you.
Everyone's path is different, so I can't tell you what to do, but I know that my path to feeling at peace involved a lot of therapeutic activity. I went hiking, took pictures, wrote in my journal, shredded old journals, read some books and started seeing a therapist. Like the old saying goes, in order to love anyone or receive love you have to first love yourself. Take time for you. Treat yourself as if you are your best friend.
Panther
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