choublak

So, I saw that as a title of an al-anon meeting topic...it is snowing where I live (yes, in October) so instead of going to any meetings I googled "Focusing on Ourselves" and came up with a bunch of links such as this:

April 10 – Letting go of focusing on ourselves « Weekly Devotionals – McMinnville Cooperative Ministries

Why is it that almost everywhere outside of al-anon, focusing on oneself is considered selfish or bad?

suki44883

It isn't. It just depends on what avenue that focusing on ourselves takes. In regard to alanon/naranon, the focus on yourself basically means MYOB. Mind your own business. Your loved ones addiction isn't your business, it's theirs. Your business is YOU.

lillamy

I think that there's a huge difference between being selfish -- which is not a good thing -- and knowing where one's own boundaries are -- which is.

One thing I've learned in recovery is that while being compassionate and empathetic with other people in their suffering can be a good thing, it stops being a good thing when you let the boundary between yourself and other people be erased, when you start taking on their feelings as your own.

For example, my kids have told me how they felt (like I did) a dark cloud descend on the home the minute they heard the garage door open (signalling their father's arrival from work). It didn't matter if we had had a fun afternoon, laughing and being in a good mood -- the second he walked through the door, we all took on his emotions. If he was angry about something at work, we all felt his anger and walked on eggshells and took responsibility for his anger, trying to dispel it with whatever methods we had.

A normal reaction would be to say "I'm sorry you had a crappy day." We didn't do that. We all went out of our way because we thought it was our job to fix his emotions.

I've said before and I still think it's true that being compassionate and big-hearted doesn't automatically make you a codependent unless you come across someone who can tap into and take advantage of that trait in a destructive way.

I hope I never lose my compassion for people -- but I know now to set my boundaries, I know where I end and where other people begin, and I no longer try to fix other people's addictions or emotions.

mattmathews

I think the common thread for most of us that show up in the rooms of Al-Anon is that we are there because we've tried focusing on the alcoholic and it doesn't work! Our lives have become unmanageable.
In Al-anon we learn that we have no control over alcohol. I believe that we eventually learn that we have no control over people, places and things as well. The only things we truly control are the things "inside our hula-hoop." Our actions and reactions. And it takes work and dedication to control those...because we are walking thru life half-asleep much of the time.
If we truly believe that the only things we control are within us, then what sense does it make to focus on things outside us? We're powerless over them anyway.
I truly believe that once I started working on my issues, my changed attitudes really did have a tremendous impact on every part of my life. My relationship with the alcoholic in my life, my work, my children.
"Changed attitudes can aid recovery."

m1k3

I know for myself that after years of a dysfunctional relationship with my AW that I had lost my sense of self. If I look back at my internal dialogs with my self I see that the word 'I' very seldom was used, it was always "us", or my AWs name.

One of the hardest things I had to do to recover was redevelop a relationship with myself. To admit to myself that I am worthy of respect and love. I had to learn that it is OK for me to take care of me and not be overwhelmed with guilt when I did.

So, yeah, I had to focus on myself if I was ever going to get better again. I can honestly say it was the best thing I have ever done.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

For most people, growing up is a natural process. As addicts, however, we seem to falter along the way. We never seem to outgrow the self-centeredness of the child…We become self-obsessed; our wants and needs become demands. We reach a point where contentment and fulfillment are impossible. People, places, and things cannot possibly fill the emptiness inside of us, and we react to them with resentment, anger, and fear. Resentment, anger, and fear make up the triangle of self-obsession…Self-obsession is at the heart of our insanity.” (from ‘The Triangle of Self-Obsession’, Narcotics Anonymous)

This was in the article you found and linked to. I think the point of the reading is above, not that we shouldn't focus on ourselves ever.

Self-obsession becomes the addict/alcoholic's insanity - ours is the resentment generated by trying to have a relationship with them. It also becomes a self obsession, and I know I wasn't true to who I really am for the years I was in this relationship. Al-Anon taught me how to get outside of myself, focus on what I could change (me and my own stinkin thinkin)and what I couldn't (everything and every one else). Through the coping skills learned, I was able to make my life more manageable again, and can now emphatically focus myself and my energy outward (hence posting here) through ways that make my life satisfying instead of damaging.

Panther

Choublak -

I think it depends on what you mean. Most people go from one extreme to the other.

Focusing on the self is necessary in order to grow as individuals. This doesn't mean being selfish or egotistical, this means developing the self.

Think of it this way. Your Self is like a tree. When you water it and nourish it, it is able to thrive and it provides all kinds of positive benefits for everything around it. It provides shade, shelter, food, oxygen, etc.

You can be a loving and a thriving person who is very centered without being self-centered, get it?

Panther

SoloMio

What that article is talking about is self-absorption.

On the other hand, too many codependent people simply have no selves at all.

The perfect balance is to be that tree that Panther is talking about--strong and tall and independent, but with branches extending out to others.

I'm going to repeat Richard Rohr's definition of codepedency because I think it fits here:

Overreaction to things (people, etc.) OUTSIDE of you; and
Underreaction to things (feelings etc.) INSIDE of you.

So when WE say you should focus on yourself, it means to stop overreacting to things outside of you and pay attention to what's going on inside of you.

LifeRecovery

I like that definition SoloMio.

I do best when I think about that whole glass half empty, half full. For me though I have come to realize that if I am not "full" I can not give of myself because there is nothing to give. If I am doing something to fill myself up that is self-care. When I am full the extra can be turned over to someone else.

I get into trouble when I start thinking that doing only for others will fill up my glass. In my experience that does not work and leaves for an exhausted and resentful LifeRecovery who can't give to herself or anyone else. Then I start playing the victum and it quickly snowballs.

It took me a long time to come to a good place about this kind of stuff though and I think you are doing a great job by asking the questions. Also don't judge your own work on this by how others respond to you....they might be scared of the changes they see in you. That was really hard for me.