Dont know what to do..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 4
Dont know what to do..
Hi, I'm a first time postee and in a really rough spot. My brother is an alcoholic and currently living with me. Within the last 3 years he has almost died because of pancreitas and excessive drinking. He's been to detox and treatment centers multiple times, cleans up for a month or so and falls back Into his old ways. I try to help him cut back during the daytime but when I go to bed I wake up only to find him drunk and the bottle near empty. I am worried when he drinks that his health is deteriorating at a rapid rate, both physically and mentally but also fear for him when we try to slow his drinking during the day. He gets the shakes really bad, sweats and seems like he is detached from reality. I'm am really stressed out watching him day and night And worrying about him. I understand how hard it is for alcoholics to come off drinking and stay clean as I have listened to him many times after getting out of treatment and hearing his stories. What do I do? I feel like there is. I end in site and that I'm just along for the ride in the passenger seat with nothing to do but brace for the car crash that is inevitable. Any advice you could give me on how to help him as well as myself stop worrying would be great.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Steezy))
Welcome to our SR family - glad you are here but hate you have been affected by this awful disease . . . please hang around, read the threads, post, ask questions and hopefully you will find help, like so many of us have. .
In dealing with the disease, I have found the only thing that I can do that helps my loved ones that have problems with drinking or drugs is to detach with love and focus on taking care of me.
Many different sources will share how family members are usually not able to help a loved ones achieve sobriety - they usually have to get help from outside sources - rehab, AA, therapy, etc. ~ We are too close to the situation. We can be supportive but we usually need to do this without being directly involved.
Friends and family members often find support thru their own support programs - Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, counseling, recovery literature, - these have helped me in addition to this Web Site, my sponsors and my relationship with my HP (Higher Power)
I have read others share about their loved ones going thru withdrawals - it can be scary and dangerous -is it possible for your brother to get some medical help to deal with these symptoms? Is he willing?
Prayers of peace and comfort and direction for both of you,
Pink Hugs,
Rita
Welcome to our SR family - glad you are here but hate you have been affected by this awful disease . . . please hang around, read the threads, post, ask questions and hopefully you will find help, like so many of us have. .
In dealing with the disease, I have found the only thing that I can do that helps my loved ones that have problems with drinking or drugs is to detach with love and focus on taking care of me.
Many different sources will share how family members are usually not able to help a loved ones achieve sobriety - they usually have to get help from outside sources - rehab, AA, therapy, etc. ~ We are too close to the situation. We can be supportive but we usually need to do this without being directly involved.
Friends and family members often find support thru their own support programs - Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, counseling, recovery literature, - these have helped me in addition to this Web Site, my sponsors and my relationship with my HP (Higher Power)
I have read others share about their loved ones going thru withdrawals - it can be scary and dangerous -is it possible for your brother to get some medical help to deal with these symptoms? Is he willing?
Prayers of peace and comfort and direction for both of you,
Pink Hugs,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Sorry to hear this Steezy, I know all of the advice you will get is to focus on your own wellbeing, as you already know you can't stop your brother drinking.
Your post was painful reading because my brother died as a result of Alcoholism in 2000, and whilst I, my parents and his daughters did all we could-we were not able to save him.
So sad, he was a gregarious bloke whose heavy drinking I think came from his rugby playing days, but inevitably it went beyond social drinking and the failure of his marriage finished him off. We tried crazy things like locking him in the house and he jumped from a first floor window-so the madness gets transferred to us enablers.
I'm here because my partner binge drinks (thought she may have learnt from my brother) and the one thing I have learnt is to step away-it is a simple but profound solution-take care of yourself.
Your post was painful reading because my brother died as a result of Alcoholism in 2000, and whilst I, my parents and his daughters did all we could-we were not able to save him.
So sad, he was a gregarious bloke whose heavy drinking I think came from his rugby playing days, but inevitably it went beyond social drinking and the failure of his marriage finished him off. We tried crazy things like locking him in the house and he jumped from a first floor window-so the madness gets transferred to us enablers.
I'm here because my partner binge drinks (thought she may have learnt from my brother) and the one thing I have learnt is to step away-it is a simple but profound solution-take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Steezy, welcome to you, glad you are here.
As MsPinkAcres says you need to get to al-anon and get help for yourself.
You cannot fix this and you cannot let guilt make you continue to enable him by giving him a place to stay on his terms, you need to set your boundaries and stick to them.
My mom is killing herself with alcohol, 3-6 bottles of wine a day, 40 plus years, multiple hospital stays, she has destroyed most of her heart muscle from drinking. I no longer worry about her, she has made her choices, I try to be there for my dad because he won't leave her. I still love her, but I have just given up on her quitting, I feel much better now that I have let go of the responsibilty I felt to "DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING" to fix it.
Please, please, please, focus on taking care of yourself and just let him do what he will.
Peace be with you,
Bill
As MsPinkAcres says you need to get to al-anon and get help for yourself.
You cannot fix this and you cannot let guilt make you continue to enable him by giving him a place to stay on his terms, you need to set your boundaries and stick to them.
My mom is killing herself with alcohol, 3-6 bottles of wine a day, 40 plus years, multiple hospital stays, she has destroyed most of her heart muscle from drinking. I no longer worry about her, she has made her choices, I try to be there for my dad because he won't leave her. I still love her, but I have just given up on her quitting, I feel much better now that I have let go of the responsibilty I felt to "DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING" to fix it.
Please, please, please, focus on taking care of yourself and just let him do what he will.
Peace be with you,
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 4
Thank you for the advice guys. I've been implementing it for a few days since the post and I feel it is Definatly helping. I still worry for his health but you were all right, I'm not going to change his mind. I have come to terms with the fact that I can't do anything and everyday I stop my life to try and live his I'm only letting mine pass me by. Thanks again for putting things Into perspective for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 4
This quote was also a huge inspiration for me..
What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did.
--Paul. P.
How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?
All of us have.
We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.
If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.
If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.
Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power who loves them even more than I do.
What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did.
--Paul. P.
How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?
All of us have.
We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.
If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.
If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.
Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power who loves them even more than I do.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
This is a link to a sticky (permanent) post on this forum. It contains steps that helped me while living with an active alcoholic. I hope you find some helpful tips:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
This is a link to a sticky (permanent) post on this forum. It contains steps that helped me while living with an active alcoholic. I hope you find some helpful tips:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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