afraziaaaa

Hello,

I'm a newcomer (again) and I am struggling somewhat with unmanageability and understanding clearly how it is in my life. For those of you out there who still had all the "YETs" when you got sober, how did you understand the unmanageability in your life? I appreciate anyone's help and advice.

LawMama

Welcome! I thought I was really functional when I first got sober, because I hadn't lost everything, hadn't gone to jail (except for once , and excelled at work and in grad school. For me to understand mangeability, I had to realize my emotions were unmanageable, I couldn't manage relationships, I couldn't manage to get through the day without a drink, I was full of fear, felt useless, I couldn't manage commitment, I couldn't manage to feel any sort of happiness on a daily basis, etc. It came down to how I felt on the inside versus the outward consequences. The bedvilments on Page 52 helped....they don't say anything like, "we couldn't stay out of jail, we were living under a bridge, we hadn't changed clothes in six days," etc. They talk about how we thought and felt. Good luck to you!

sugarbear1

I have never met a non-functioning alcoholic.

It's an inside job....

Never met anyone too dumb to understand or grasp the concept of alcoholism, but I have met many who were too smart.

Why did you drink? Did you have just one to calm your nerves? Did you go out and drink one at social gatherings? Keep all appointments? Only drink on a Saturday night?

Step 1 Do you admit you are an alcoholic? Move to step 2.

Step 2 Does your.way of dealing with life work? Are you willing to believe in a power greater than you or in the program of aa OR are you willing to set aside your old beliefs, remember your way gets you drunk? Move to 3....

It's not rocket science....

keithj

When I drink, I don't have much of an off switch (physical allergy). I drink to the point of blackout. I do some fairly tragic things in that state. Now, could I wake up, get to work, and earn a paycheck in between those drinking to excess periods? Absolutely. I could 'function' as it's called.

When I decide not to drink, I always end up drunk (mental obsession). Just like you. I could not manage my decision to not drink.

Because I can't control how much I drink, AND I can't control not drinking, my life is unmanageable.

This can go a lot deeper into the internal condition of alcoholism, but that right there is enough to start. I suggest stop parsing words of the Step of the wall, and start looking at the real content of the Step with a sponsor in the first 44 pages and Dr. Opinion. It will become very clear.

GettingStronger2

Whe i first quit, i thought what was unmanageable in my life was my alcohol consumption. After a period of sobriety, i realized that the hows of my life -- my decisions, my disappointments, my reactions to people and situations -- they were all unmanageable. My life was run on my own self will. My expectations of how things should be, how people should treat me, etc. When those expectations were not met, i reacted in certain ways.

i got sober, but life did not magically get better. In fact, for a period of time, things got, or seemed worse. I didn't have alcohol to fall back on. Thus, i had to learn a new way of living. To do that, i grabbed ahold of the steps with the desparation of a drowning woman. And it has made all the difference.

I should add, i was "functioning" as well, in the ways you described. I didn't lose anything, nor had any legal problems due to drinking. Well, i lost my self respect. That was enough. But i functioned, i had learned how to do that. My alcoholic life was the only one i knew, it seemed normal to me.

PaleMale

I was drinking to manage anxiety. Which is not managing and dealing with anxiety functionally at all. I was not pathologically anxious, unless alcoholism was the symptom, but I had my head firmly up my arse and the alcohol was convincing me, "What a great view! And the air is so fresh, too!" That's not managing, nor is it functional.

Getting to work on time isn't necessarily functional either, if meeting the bare minimum of life's requirements is function. And my 'bottom' was high, too. The truth of the matter is I am a late-middle stage alcoholic who was looking down, thinking it was up. I had much further to fall if I didn't die before I hit 'bottom.'

Taking5

I said this a couple of weeks ago: Functional is a stage of alcoholism, not a type of alcoholism.

Mark75

This is a struggle that I have experience with.

One way that I look at this question is.... can I live in today? Do I have acceptance, or do I fight and agitate against the way things are instead of the way I want them to be? Am I restless and irritable instead of grateful?

I heard someone share today and it was awesome and may be applicable...

God is with me, here and now, today... If I live in yesterday in remorse or regret, he does not go with me into yesterday... If I worry about tomorrow, what's going to happen... I go there alone... He is with me today and only today and when tomorrow comes, He will be there when I get there.

That is a principle that I apply to manageability. There are others.

One thing high bottom alkies deal with is that often our unmanageability is internal. Just as real, just as dangerous.

Thanx for your excellent question.

Dee74

I drank way past functionality so I have no personal experience to share...I wish I had been able to read the signs and stop before it was too late but I didn't.

I guess my question would be if your life's not unmanageable afraziaaaa, what would you be doing here?

D

BadCompany

From page 61 This (as I see it) is the management that I fail at and the result of my mismanagement is here on page 52 It doesn't matter if my checkbook is balanced or not if I'm living in abject misery every moment of the day.

These things above are what I cannot live with. These things above are what drive me back to the bottle despite the consequences. These things above are what must be addressed if I am going to stay sober.

bellakeller

I've found "unmanageability" to mean having to work around drinking. It was like a pothole in my road of life which I was forced to navigate around, over or through with until I finally quit drinking.

My life is unmanageable when I find myself wasting what little time I have on earth drinking, thinking about, hiding, lying about, obsessing, rationalizing, justifying or otherwise wasting brain space regarding drinking (unless it's to help with recovery), recovering from a hangover or wallowing in guilt and shame over drinking. My life is unmanageable when I have to apologize for myself when I've been drinking.

Don't get me wrong; often my life has it's times of unmanageably even while I am sober, but eliminating drinking from the equation sure has helped not add to it in it's own unique way.

So, to me, life's unmanageable when I find myself making room in it for drinking.

WakeUp

I was a living, walking, breathing bedevilments, (see BadCompany's quote) but my material life was fine. The inner life was the thing that needed, and still needs, working on.
My previous inner life was the biggest proof of my unmanageability.

langkah

afraziaaa, what may be part of what is continuing to hamper your progress it that you see a difference between the alcoholic who still has a wristwatch and one who doesn't.

As if the answer must be different for each of them.

You might be hoping the watch owner is going to do just fine and things will be peachy without him doing the same things the timeless alcoholic needs to do.

Paraffin

Exactly what I needed to hear today. Thankyou.

DayTrader

Bad Company and Keith really covered what I was thinking.

I, probably like most in AA, really wrestled with "unmanageable." To me, being unmanageable meant my life would have to be a complete disaster...and since I had good days, since not EVERYthing was a mess.....I didn't feel like things were unmanageable at all. In fact, I was positive that I WAS managing my own life.....and wouldn't someone who found their life to be unmanageable NOT be able to manage their own life?

I'm prone to take things like this to extremes though.......and I do so in many areas. Unmanageability doesn't necessarily mean complete, total, 100% at all times.

What helped me was to look at my life in terms of a sports team - what would my record be? Was I generally happy, at ease and content with my management (coaching) or might I be playing for/coaching a losing team.....or maybe one with a record that wasn't all that impressive?

There are, of course, good managers and not-so good managers. In some areas, I'm great......in others, not-so-great, and in still others, I'm downright horrible. Looking at a comprehensive analysis, I had to concede (reluctantly.....lol) that the OK's and the bad's probably outweighed the "greats." .....and considering it's my LIFE that we're talking about.....why settle for anything less than great? right? From there, it was pretty easy to see that it was time to bring in a new manager. Not that the old (me) one was a complete piece of you-know-what, but it was time to make changes and get onto a better track.

This is, as Keith suggested, taking the concept a fair amount deeper than just looking at my drinking history but it helped me to look at both my drinking AND the rest of my life at the same time. In light of having "issues" with sobriety AND having issues in a fair amount of other areas, it was easy for me to see that I wasn't all that great a coach - certainly not as great as I believed myself to be.

PaperDolls

For some reason, when I considered the unmanageability of my life I was thinking physically. I have no idea why.

I finally realized that in all reality, even though I still had a job, I was barely getting by. Hell, I often didn't make it to work. I was never arrested and never got a DUI. I guess I knew enough not to fool myself that just because those hadn't happened yet that I wasn't an alcoholic. I finally, for the first time, fully accepted that I was an alcoholic and that I needed help.

What does your sponsor say about it?

DayTrader

One thing I forgot to add......

I would suggest that one just about HAS to be "functional" to BE an alcoholic. Booze doesn't come free so, to get it, we typically have to have jobs....which means we probably need cars to get there....and/or we have to maintain relationships that make those things possible.........etc etc etc.

I don't believe I've ever......EVER......met a NON-functioning alcoholic (although, I sure liked to think of myself as "functioning alkie" early on - it seemed to soften the blow of admitting I even had a problem.....especially an alcoholic problem, I suppose) or someone who identified themselves as a NON-functioning alkie. .

LegalLady

I never lost a marriage, a job, or paid my bills late. I never got a DUI, I never stole from my family or my friends. I never did any of those things. Oh but when I drank, I would try to kill myself. 6 times, in intensive care. Kinda made people nervous. When I didn't succeed at that, I started hanging out and drinking in some not nice places hoping someone would kill me. I guess that was pretty unmanageable. My mind was totally unmanageble. As I said before, my mind has had a hit out on my A## for a long time. My mind wanted to kill me. I could take any situation. I mean any situation and make it a problem. So I drank. And then I kept drinking until I would fall asleep. In otherwords, until I passed out. It seems that when I don't drink, I don't want to punch anyone's face in and I don't want to shut my life off. Problems still arise, but nothing a drink will solve. Good luck.

NYCDoglvr

I couldn't stop getting drunk which is pretty unmanageable I think. I also put alcohol above everything else and everybody.

Shygirl

Your life becomes a slave to alcohol.....Can you believe how distorted my mind is.....I couldn't even spell ALCOHOL............I'm on day 7......I'm making broccoli soup to boost my memory....vitamin B.....How messy my brain is now? And that I owe it to ALCOHOL. My brain tells me I need alcohol to spell, to function, ect......Management or not, but that's called insanity. .....And I've done the broccoli soup before during recovery and ended up in relapse...and I owe it to those same thoughts you have......(just alittle bit about myself) I'm a women with a maid and a nanny......But does not exempt me from being a full BLOWN ALCOHOLIC.......Been on this site for 3 years trying to get it right.......

Praying