LSNP

You know.... becoming an alcoholic isn't something that just happens, like falling down and bruising one's knee. Alcoholism isn't even something, I think, that happens because one consumed one too many times and has suddenly developed a "disease" or an "addiction."

Alcoholism develops because the alcoholic is broken at some level.

After two hours of "lets develop the abs" weeping by myself, alone, in my darkened living room... weeping NOT because I am an alcoholic but because the alcohol, tonight, allowed the demons to free-flow (we've all had those nights).....

I have to say this: Becoming sober means facing those demons.

I believe that this much is true: I believe that facing those demons is the hardest part.

I believe that we can become sober and it is easier to ignore them (filtered Truth).... but they are still there and will always be there and God Damn Them All To Hell, anyway.

I sometimes think I would rather be drunk than face them. God. What in the hell happened to me? Why? What did I ever do to deserve that?

Just thoughts.... as I prepare for my next Day One. Would that it will ever come.

LSNP

I am so angry tonight.

I am (was) pretty.
I am (was) smart. Exceptionally so.
I am (was) lithe.
I am (was) one of the most sensitive people I know
I am (was) one of the most caring people I know.
I am talented.
I am creative.
I am a lover of nature.
I am a good cook.
I am a good lover.
I am a good mother.
I am a good friend.

Why has it always been so hard?

The alcohol is the easiest part, I think, sometimes. Being sober means one has to admit that the **** happened because it just happened..... because it happened long before alcohol entered my life... long before alcohol became my best friend.... long before, I sometimes think, I was even born.

God? Really? You there, Buddy? Am I the Pawn, the Rook, the Queen? WTF? At the very least, you could have given one defining moment, like a rape or a murder or child abuse... or some ONE thing. Did you have to make it so ******* many?????

LSNP

And because I am angry tonight, it strikes me as exceptionally funny that in a forum composed of people with problems... alcohol, narcotics, what have you... the forum founders feel the need to *********** out obscenity. Really? Truly? I'm sure most of us find a few swear words offensive. Can't even sleep at night because of those naughty little words.

Jesus. Really? The people that come to this forum? Trust me. They've said it, they've heard it, and they would rather SEE it.... see it.... than be shielded by a bunch of dumb-**** *************s designed to protect the innocent.

For ****'s Sake. Really????????????

SSIL75

Get some sleep, LSNP

LSNP

Sigh. Yes. You are probably right.

Sleeping means waking up. Hate that.

O.K.

Dee74

I found the fear of facing my demons was immensely worse than actually doing it - I hope you'll find that too LSNP.

It's not easy, but it's possible - and you'll not be alone

I think SSIL75 is right tho - for now, take care of yourself and get some rest.
We'll be here tomorrow

D

LSNP

Thanks, Guys/Gals, whatever.

Took a nap today... two hours. Held off until nearly 2:00 to start in..... Exhausted for weeks.

Cried most of the night. The deep, gutteral kind of crying you can't stop and that makes you a little scared that you've lost it.

The kind of crying that is triggered by one small act of kindness.

Kindness. Crazy that kindness can be such a trigger. Anger? Nastiness? Violence? I can deal with that. Kindness? Takes me to my knees every dang time.

Goodnight, All.

soberred

You don't have to suffer like this LSNP. I swear you don't. Get some help love.

freshstart57

Watch your language here, this is a dang public forum. . Just kidding, the filters are a pita, especially in chat.

What you wrote was me. Deep, dark, days, staring at the driveway for hours, my only companion for many of those hours was my good friend and comrade, Kapitan Smirnoff. Nothing could drive me to the sobs like someone expressing care and concern for me, I just felt so unworthy. I could keep it up for an hour, no problem. I was under care of three healthcare professionals, taking anti d's that were supposed to work, but you sure couldn't tell by me. Almost a fifth a day, every day. I had a good life, just like you, everything going for me, but I was stuck.

OK, LSNP, you know what comes next. I stopped drinking. A couple of days later, I still hadn't had a drink, and I was amazed that this p.o.s. could actually do this, because I hadn't gone that long without a drink in a decade. Within a week, I could not believe that the dark fog was starting to clear. In two weeks, it was as though all of my depression and anxiety were gone.

Give it a try. After all, nothing bad has ever happened to anyone due to not drinking. Keep posting.

LSNP

Thank you to all. Sorry about my rant regarding swearing. Silly, I know.

I am going to do this. I AM going to do this. I need a plan, I think, or I will fail. And this time, when I do this, I am NOT going to be deterred by anyone or anything, including my little brat, whiny voice, that whispers, "Oh, just one will be alright. Or how about only on weekends? Special occasions?"

YVRguy

Hi LSNP

Facing alcohol , a true demon , versus everything else is usually at lot easier as the first step. I underestimated just how addicted I was for many years ...lots of years of denial. For me its a physical addiction once I start and I never know when it will end once it does start.

I'd check in with your doctor if you can and be honest and they may be able to help you with the first days of a withdrawal and let you get some sleep. Sounds like you're somewhat like me and can't sleep when they have been on it for a while. That makes everything very difficult. Even people who do not use who are sleep deprived get very messed up.

You can be all the good things you were and are. The first steps are not always easy but you can do it. You will need a plan , nothing complicated , just an idea of how to get support and what you need to do next.

Stick with SR , its a great place for support.

soberred

When your whinny brat voice tries to whisper "Just one" tell it to be quiet and put it in time out forever.

LSNP

I am logging in at lunchtime, anxious and nervous. Going to try to Day One today.

Sigh. Hating it already.

I am picturing that brat voice as a small, obese, overindulged child that lives in my head. If I keep saying No, perhaps she will slim down... and eventually fade away altogether.

LSNP

Time Out Forever. Love it. :-)

freshstart57

LSNP, just do it today, none of this 'I am going to try, we'll see how it goes'. That is a party invitation to that fat snotty mouthy brat with the constant whine, 'I need a driii ink'. Shut her up. See how she likes being told what to do for a change. You are in charge, right? You betcher sweet bippy.

You are afraid, but there is nothing to fear, no harm will come, nothing bad will happen. It is all there, within your reach. Just close your hand around the ring, and don't let go.

Mersault

Well I look at it this way... Which do I fear more the hell I'm facing or the hell I'm living. I know which one is going to last longer. I spent far longer being an Opiate junky, living my own personal hell, than the two weeks it took to finally start feeling good again. Don't build the experience of detox up to be worse than it is. There's a wealth of information here, and in numerous other places, to help you just have to seek it out. Take that first step RIGHT NOW, right now is the only time, and keep stepping in the direction you really want to go.

Terminally Unique

LSNP,

What is your plan for your future use of alcohol? Are you going to drink again in this lifetime, or are you not?

You need not share your answer with me or anyone else, just yourself. Once you can answer that, though, everything else will be much easier. Although you may not believe it yourself at the moment, I have full faith in your own ability to recover.

FoundmySelf

My turning point when I was in rehab was when I got to make my first phone call. I called a very dear friend of mine who had watched me spiral out of control. He has been sober for almost 13 years. I ranted and raved about how miserable and awful things were and how horrible things were. He listened and at times I wondered if He was even on the other end. Then from the other end I heard him say.... "Are you through yet?" and I said "Yes, why"... He then in a very firm but loving voice said to me said...." sometimes AA does not just mean Alcoholics Anonomous, but Attitude Adjustment.. If you are going to go in hating it you are going to get just that out of it."

I share on this story with you because this was the turning point in my recovery. I left this conversation and went to my group meeting and shared my story... it was the first time I opened up and it felt like the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. It was my surrender.

I feel your pain and my heart hurts for you, but you don't need to live in pain and hurt like this.

gr8t2bme

Feeling the pain of real life will not kill you but drinking to numb those feelings eventually will.