stress drinker, or: i hate vodka. trying the sober thing again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 98
stress drinker, or: i hate vodka. trying the sober thing again.
this is my third or fourth "hi i'm zelda and i'm quitting" speech. it's getting to be a f***ing rerun and i am so sick of myself.
i started drinking in college because of stress. alcohol was a good way to de-stress. it remained a good way to de-stress in my early and late twenties when i was in a high-pressure corporate job. i quit the high-pressure corporate job to be self-employed, thinking that my wrecked self would be better served that way. nope! i'm more stressed out now than i ever have been in my life. you can imagine what this has done to my drinking.
i used to drink all the time -- 2009 was awful, i was drunk for the whole year -- but i have been able to cut down this year, mostly because my business needs me to drive all the time and i am terrified of what might happen if i get in the car under the influence (although i have been known to schedule my driving AROUND my binges.)
see, binges. they are so awful. i can be "sober" for a week at a time, but then things get to be too much and i go buy a bottle of vodka, pour it into a water bottle and spend 24 hours drunk off my ass and the next 24 hours recovering and feeling just plain awful physically and emotionally. does anyone else have this pattern? someone told me that wasn't alcoholism, that was just binge drinking, but i simply can't avoid the vodka and i know it is killing me.
i would appreciate any advice that people have on breaking the stress/vodka/stress/vodka cycle... yes, I know about AA and rehab and i am going to try that this time but i could also use other ideas too.
i am also thinking of checking in here every day for the next month to talk about my feeeeeelings (yes i'm a girl) and wave the "woo i'm sober" flag and get support from you fine folk. that's something different than what i have done before and i know it has helped other people so i think that is a good idea, right?
i started drinking in college because of stress. alcohol was a good way to de-stress. it remained a good way to de-stress in my early and late twenties when i was in a high-pressure corporate job. i quit the high-pressure corporate job to be self-employed, thinking that my wrecked self would be better served that way. nope! i'm more stressed out now than i ever have been in my life. you can imagine what this has done to my drinking.
i used to drink all the time -- 2009 was awful, i was drunk for the whole year -- but i have been able to cut down this year, mostly because my business needs me to drive all the time and i am terrified of what might happen if i get in the car under the influence (although i have been known to schedule my driving AROUND my binges.)
see, binges. they are so awful. i can be "sober" for a week at a time, but then things get to be too much and i go buy a bottle of vodka, pour it into a water bottle and spend 24 hours drunk off my ass and the next 24 hours recovering and feeling just plain awful physically and emotionally. does anyone else have this pattern? someone told me that wasn't alcoholism, that was just binge drinking, but i simply can't avoid the vodka and i know it is killing me.
i would appreciate any advice that people have on breaking the stress/vodka/stress/vodka cycle... yes, I know about AA and rehab and i am going to try that this time but i could also use other ideas too.
i am also thinking of checking in here every day for the next month to talk about my feeeeeelings (yes i'm a girl) and wave the "woo i'm sober" flag and get support from you fine folk. that's something different than what i have done before and i know it has helped other people so i think that is a good idea, right?
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Hi Zelda, here's a few ideas:
-If you're going to go to AA, get some phone numbers. Next time you feel like drinking pick up the phone instead.
-Make a plan. What are you going to do every day for your sobriety? What are you going to do when life starts to get stressful?
-Find more positive ways to deal with stress. Exercise, meditation, yoga, therapy, bubble baths, whatever it is that relaxes you.
-Make lists. A lot of times it's easy to get stressed out about life because we are not organized, we are living in our heads. Next time you feel like you have too much to do and not enough time to do it, make a to do list and put on paper what you actually need to get done.
-Think about what caused you to fail last time you tried to get sober. What was it that led to you drink again? What changes can you make to keep that from happening again?
-If you're going to go to AA, get some phone numbers. Next time you feel like drinking pick up the phone instead.
-Make a plan. What are you going to do every day for your sobriety? What are you going to do when life starts to get stressful?
-Find more positive ways to deal with stress. Exercise, meditation, yoga, therapy, bubble baths, whatever it is that relaxes you.
-Make lists. A lot of times it's easy to get stressed out about life because we are not organized, we are living in our heads. Next time you feel like you have too much to do and not enough time to do it, make a to do list and put on paper what you actually need to get done.
-Think about what caused you to fail last time you tried to get sober. What was it that led to you drink again? What changes can you make to keep that from happening again?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
What helped me stay sober AND be happy was practicing gratitude every day. Each day I'd find at least one thing to be happy and grateful about. I had to force myself at first but then it became a habit. Now I'm grateful for everything, just everything.
And it keeps me grounded in sanity and shows me just how much I could lose if I drank again. Give it a try. We even have a gratitude forum here just for giving thanks. Hope to see you there.
And it keeps me grounded in sanity and shows me just how much I could lose if I drank again. Give it a try. We even have a gratitude forum here just for giving thanks. Hope to see you there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: PA
Posts: 39
WOW! I'm in the same cycle, used to drink daily for YEARS but over the past year have tried to curb it and so then binge/bender and then come out and feel as if I want to die and it is so very horrible. I can moderate it right now on these benders such that I am maintaining from withdrawaling and drinking steadily throughout the day (2-3 bottles of wine or so from early afternoon to I pass out), but I had an uncle, who is now sober 15 years from doing rehab and AA and the 12 steps, who used to binge for weeks at a time, come to, and not remember A THING! Alcoholism or problem drinking, whatever you wanna call it, can take many forms at many different times, and can be different for differnet people at differnt times at different points in their lives...notice I use the word different a lot...but one thing I have finally come to accept and realize, after going to 3 rehabs (I am 35 and been drinking almost daily since I was 23) and going again MOnday, after going to a lot of meetings, meeting so many people who suffer from addiction in rehabs, and COMPARING myself to them instead of IDENTIFYING, (like they tell you to, but I really thought I could just do it on my own and one day 'get a handle on it') is that alcoholism really IS a chronic progressive disease THAT KILLS PEOPLE and follows THE SAME progressive stages, albeit everyone's stories/experiences/circumstances/bottoms/ability to handle it etc etc etc may be different, for most people, it will progress if left treated in very predictable stages, and if you are afflicted, well, it's prob the best idea, for me at least, to really realize that HEY! I CAN'T DRINK! EVER! Oh I have tried for 12 years, with different degrees of success, to moderate, ESPECIALLY AFTER!!! going to rehabs and hearing stories and going to meetings and thinking, woo, these people, are you kidding, I would NEVER (insert outrageous whatever here), and a lot of it I never did, some of it I have, a lot of it, if I continue drinking, well, guess what, may or may not happen to me, but, hey, I can't drink, EVER, and this time I realize it and am going in with the attitude that these people beat it, they have been successful, they must have did something right and know more than me, cuz whatever I have tried, and it's run the gamut trust me cuz I would like to to be able to drink 'normally', well, it's the only thing I have seen that has worked for anyone for real, who really was an addict or alcoholic. I heard a speaker at a meeting say one time, who had several years sober, was that yeah, he still goes fishing and thinks for a sec it would nice to have a beer, or goes to a party and sees someone sipping a cocktail and thinks, gee, that would be nice, but then he said, he snaps out of it for a second and thinks, wait! What am I thinking! I don't drink like that! I buy a whole bottle of rum, wake up with a cracked head on my kitchen floor in a puddle of my own vomit...while that has never happened to me, well certainly, after twelve years, I have had many negative consequences and experiences and still continue with the crazy idea that somehow someday I can drink...normally? Yep, this time, after suffering withdrawl (which hey is a first! in 12 years!) several times in oh, the past coupla months and still continuing to drink, remembering that I have been sexually assaulted (only once!) under the influence, been to the ER for (minor luckiliy but with some scarring) falls, scrapes and bruises, drank (in the last trimester and only a few glasses..like they do in France) during my pregnancy, had a DUI (one and luckily it got expunged...after I paid thousands of dollars and went to classes and did community service work), almost burned the house down (3 times on this one), notice the things (justifications) in parantheses, that, well that I have been lying to myself. I'm not saying you are an alcoholic, only you know, but these were the kinda things I had to do and admit to myself, it was a process for me cuz I knew/have known my drinking was 'a problem' and readily admitted it for year, to really surrender it and give up the idea that I can EVER drink 'normally'...cuz I can't, and trust me, I am a stubborn, determined lady who normally goes after and gets what she wants...on her own...this one has eluded me...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
i used to drink all the time -- 2009 was awful, i was drunk for the whole year
i go buy a bottle of vodka, pour it into a water bottle and spend 24 hours drunk off my ass and the next 24 hours recovering and feeling just plain awful physically and emotionally.
someone told me that wasn't alcoholism, that was just binge drinking,
Welcome! Stick around SR, you will get much better advice than this.
i go buy a bottle of vodka, pour it into a water bottle and spend 24 hours drunk off my ass and the next 24 hours recovering and feeling just plain awful physically and emotionally.
someone told me that wasn't alcoholism, that was just binge drinking,
Welcome! Stick around SR, you will get much better advice than this.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
zelda, this may be your third or fourth time quitting, but even if it's your tenth or fiftieth, don't give up. Like Elvis said, few of us get it right the first time. Just learn from your past attempts and try not to repeat the same pattern. I use yoga and meditation to de-stress; or if I'm feeling angry because of stress, I'll write a horrible ranting letter to some random poor soul (the cast of Jersey Shore for example) just to get the anger out and then throw the letter away. Talking about my feeeelings helps too (and I'm not a girl).
That's what helps me. Take care of yourself and I'm glad you're here.
--Fenris.
That's what helps me. Take care of yourself and I'm glad you're here.
--Fenris.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
welcome!
Alcoholism is a chamelian. Because it constantly changes it's costume, it's hard to define. As the disease progresses, it looks different. I used to binge drink, about 21 years before I drank "because I lived To drink" and the sun rose again...
Only you can decide if you're an alcoholic and what program you'll follow to stay stopped.
Some people's lives get better by just not drinking. Problem drinker, just don't drink.
Others drink because of alcoholism, alcohol "works" and it is The Solution.
Drink enough, and eventually it stops giving that "Ahhhhh" feeling.
Try not drinking for a month. Define your stressors and come up wth a plan to deal with those. Is it better organization, worrying, whatever causes that "I'm not focusing" stressors.....(guessing here). If you still find binging occurring, maybe outpatient rehab. Not sure if aa would help or not....
Glad you're here at SR!
Alcoholism is a chamelian. Because it constantly changes it's costume, it's hard to define. As the disease progresses, it looks different. I used to binge drink, about 21 years before I drank "because I lived To drink" and the sun rose again...
Only you can decide if you're an alcoholic and what program you'll follow to stay stopped.
Some people's lives get better by just not drinking. Problem drinker, just don't drink.
Others drink because of alcoholism, alcohol "works" and it is The Solution.
Drink enough, and eventually it stops giving that "Ahhhhh" feeling.
Try not drinking for a month. Define your stressors and come up wth a plan to deal with those. Is it better organization, worrying, whatever causes that "I'm not focusing" stressors.....(guessing here). If you still find binging occurring, maybe outpatient rehab. Not sure if aa would help or not....
Glad you're here at SR!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by zeldachan 
i would appreciate any advice that people have on breaking the stress/vodka/stress/vodka cycle... yes, I know about AA and rehab and i am going to try that this time but i could also use other ideas too.
I did not see it while drinking, but what I was really looking for from alcohol was the POM/J/SOP I ended up finding through a principled driven life.
I used to pray to God to win the lottery so I would be happy. Now I just pray to be happy. It eliminates the middle man.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
welcome back Zelda
There are other, better ways to deal with anxiety and stress, although they may not seem to be as immediate as alcohol.
Do see your Dr, not only about treatment - but help with withdrawal too
D
There are other, better ways to deal with anxiety and stress, although they may not seem to be as immediate as alcohol.
Do see your Dr, not only about treatment - but help with withdrawal too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 98
thank you everyone!
i discovered the last bit of vodka i had in the house this morning, poured myself a glass, took two sips and then said "WHAT AM I THINKING" and poured it down the sink before i could drink the whole thing! so i'm kind of holding that as a "victory" in my head today (even though my addiction is going "HOW COULD YOU, THAT COULD HAVE MADE YOU FEEL BETTER" like a distracting neon sign right behind my eyes. seriously, brain? this is annoying.)
so that was the last alcohol in the house and hopefully i can reroute from the liquor store to the gym whenever i find myself heading in that direction. i also did that this morning and i feel a little
i have never tried yoga, but the fact that i keep on running into people who say it has helped them immeasurably made me sign up for a class next week at the gym so thank you all for the advice. here's hoping i like it! i'm overweight (thanks again to alcohol... sigh) so i'm afraid i'll look like a blubbery elephant.
i have been talking with people in RL too and they all say i should see a counselor to help me because i have literally not had a healthy way to deal with stress for my entire adult life. which is kind of pathetic and horrifying to realize. i'm not one for counselors because i don't like examining my bad choices... but maybe i should just put my big girl pants on and do it.
thank you for the support.
i discovered the last bit of vodka i had in the house this morning, poured myself a glass, took two sips and then said "WHAT AM I THINKING" and poured it down the sink before i could drink the whole thing! so i'm kind of holding that as a "victory" in my head today (even though my addiction is going "HOW COULD YOU, THAT COULD HAVE MADE YOU FEEL BETTER" like a distracting neon sign right behind my eyes. seriously, brain? this is annoying.)
so that was the last alcohol in the house and hopefully i can reroute from the liquor store to the gym whenever i find myself heading in that direction. i also did that this morning and i feel a little
i have never tried yoga, but the fact that i keep on running into people who say it has helped them immeasurably made me sign up for a class next week at the gym so thank you all for the advice. here's hoping i like it! i'm overweight (thanks again to alcohol... sigh) so i'm afraid i'll look like a blubbery elephant.
i have been talking with people in RL too and they all say i should see a counselor to help me because i have literally not had a healthy way to deal with stress for my entire adult life. which is kind of pathetic and horrifying to realize. i'm not one for counselors because i don't like examining my bad choices... but maybe i should just put my big girl pants on and do it.
thank you for the support.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi zeldachan -
Sounds like you made some real progress today - way to go for pouring out the rest of the bottle. That voice of addiction chased me around for a while, too, and a few times I really wanted to give in. I just knew that I had to quit sometime, so I put it off minute by minute. I was always grateful the next morning that I didn't cave.
Welcome to the forum, by the way..... You
can do it, one day at a time!
Sounds like you made some real progress today - way to go for pouring out the rest of the bottle. That voice of addiction chased me around for a while, too, and a few times I really wanted to give in. I just knew that I had to quit sometime, so I put it off minute by minute. I was always grateful the next morning that I didn't cave.
Welcome to the forum, by the way..... You
can do it, one day at a time!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Where the sun is always shining
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by zeldachan
this is my third or fourth "hi i'm zelda and i'm quitting" speech. it's getting to be a f***ing rerun and i am so sick of myself.
i started drinking in college because of stress. alcohol was a good way to de-stress. it remained a good way to de-stress in my early and late twenties when i was in a high-pressure corporate job. i quit the high-pressure corporate job to be self-employed, thinking that my wrecked self would be better served that way. nope! i'm more stressed out now than i ever have been in my life. you can imagine what this has done to my drinking.
i used to drink all the time -- 2009 was awful, i was drunk for the whole year -- but i have been able to cut down this year, mostly because my business needs me to drive all the time and i am terrified of what might happen if i get in the car under the influence (although i have been known to schedule my driving AROUND my binges.)
see, binges. they are so awful. i can be "sober" for a week at a time, but then things get to be too much and i go buy a bottle of vodka, pour it into a water bottle and spend 24 hours drunk off my ass and the next 24 hours recovering and feeling just plain awful physically and emotionally. does anyone else have this pattern? someone told me that wasn't alcoholism, that was just binge drinking, but i simply can't avoid the vodka and i know it is killing me.
i would appreciate any advice that people have on breaking the stress/vodka/stress/vodka cycle... yes, I know about AA and rehab and i am going to try that this time but i could also use other ideas too.
i am also thinking of checking in here every day for the next month to talk about my feeeeeelings (yes i'm a girl) and wave the "woo i'm sober" flag and get support from you fine folk. that's something different than what i have done before and i know it has helped other people so i think that is a good idea, right?
i started drinking in college because of stress. alcohol was a good way to de-stress. it remained a good way to de-stress in my early and late twenties when i was in a high-pressure corporate job. i quit the high-pressure corporate job to be self-employed, thinking that my wrecked self would be better served that way. nope! i'm more stressed out now than i ever have been in my life. you can imagine what this has done to my drinking.
i used to drink all the time -- 2009 was awful, i was drunk for the whole year -- but i have been able to cut down this year, mostly because my business needs me to drive all the time and i am terrified of what might happen if i get in the car under the influence (although i have been known to schedule my driving AROUND my binges.)
see, binges. they are so awful. i can be "sober" for a week at a time, but then things get to be too much and i go buy a bottle of vodka, pour it into a water bottle and spend 24 hours drunk off my ass and the next 24 hours recovering and feeling just plain awful physically and emotionally. does anyone else have this pattern? someone told me that wasn't alcoholism, that was just binge drinking, but i simply can't avoid the vodka and i know it is killing me.
i would appreciate any advice that people have on breaking the stress/vodka/stress/vodka cycle... yes, I know about AA and rehab and i am going to try that this time but i could also use other ideas too.
i am also thinking of checking in here every day for the next month to talk about my feeeeeelings (yes i'm a girl) and wave the "woo i'm sober" flag and get support from you fine folk. that's something different than what i have done before and i know it has helped other people so i think that is a good idea, right?
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Originally Posted by zeldachan
discovered the last bit of vodka i had in the house this morning, poured myself a glass, took two sips and then said "WHAT AM I THINKING" and poured it down the sink before i could drink the whole thing!
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