New - Disappointed, angry and distressed mum.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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New - Disappointed, angry and distressed mum.
Where do I start. I never in a million years pictured myself writing about one of my children being addicted to drugs. Yet here I am.
My beautiful loving youngest son, now in his mid 20's has changed dramatically over the past 2 years or so into what can only be described as a frightening stranger. I have long suspected he was either suffering from some type of schizophrenia mixed with marijuana use (sorry if I don't have correct spelling or terms).
In the last week I've been shocked to learn that is a very heavy Ice and Speed user along with marijuana and has been for some time now. Reading as much as I can in that time I realise that the paranoia is very common with his drug of choice.
To say I'm hurt, angry, shocked, confused and feeling helpless would be an understatement.
I'm hoping to find gain answers and I guess support from others going through the same.
My beautiful loving youngest son, now in his mid 20's has changed dramatically over the past 2 years or so into what can only be described as a frightening stranger. I have long suspected he was either suffering from some type of schizophrenia mixed with marijuana use (sorry if I don't have correct spelling or terms).
In the last week I've been shocked to learn that is a very heavy Ice and Speed user along with marijuana and has been for some time now. Reading as much as I can in that time I realise that the paranoia is very common with his drug of choice.
To say I'm hurt, angry, shocked, confused and feeling helpless would be an understatement.
I'm hoping to find gain answers and I guess support from others going through the same.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
It's scary and you've come to the right place. Sit back and read the "stickies" at the top of the forum pages. They have lots of good information. Know that you are not alone and you'll find good support here.
With me, it's my husband, so I'll let someone else with an addicted child come along and respond more fully.
With me, it's my husband, so I'll let someone else with an addicted child come along and respond more fully.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
Thanks wellnowwhat.
I would really appreciate feedback from your point as well.
I have a daughter in-law and 2 young grandchildren. It's my daughter in-law who I fear is his biggest enabler.
She recently left him because she feared for her safety and that of the kids. I'm actually fearful for her also, but she keeps meeting up with him.
I love her to bits but I do feel that she holds the power at the moment. Or maybe I'm just being too simplistic in thinking that if she stayed away he'd be so focussed on winning her back that he'd get the help he needs.
Any advice from a partner of an addict would be welcome, so that I know how to advise her as well.
This is all new to me and I'm just a little bit lost at the moment.
I would really appreciate feedback from your point as well.
I have a daughter in-law and 2 young grandchildren. It's my daughter in-law who I fear is his biggest enabler.
She recently left him because she feared for her safety and that of the kids. I'm actually fearful for her also, but she keeps meeting up with him.
I love her to bits but I do feel that she holds the power at the moment. Or maybe I'm just being too simplistic in thinking that if she stayed away he'd be so focussed on winning her back that he'd get the help he needs.
Any advice from a partner of an addict would be welcome, so that I know how to advise her as well.
This is all new to me and I'm just a little bit lost at the moment.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I would love to have my MIL's support. I feel judged by her, that she feels I caused it and if I was warmer and more supportive with AH he would recover.
So my first suggestion is to show her unconditional support for her and her children. Be there for her, babysit for her, if necessary, so she can get help for herself and her children, and continue to help her in her new unfamiliar role of single mother.
It's good, I think that she's left him with the kids. It seems she has mixed emotions if she's still meeting with him, but I hear everywhere on this Site how "no contact" is so very difficult when there are kids involved.
I don't think it is a situation of "power" and yes, I do think it is a little simplistic in thinking that her staying away would cause his recovery in order to win her back. My AH is not in recovery, but I understand that he has to want it for himself, more than than anything else, even his marriage. And being in recovery may not be enough to mend the marriage, they are both different people now and need to learn new tools for coping.
It bears repeating: nothing anyone says or does for your son will really make any difference until he really, really wants to recover for himself. He needs to live the consequences of his choices, and that might get really nasty, before he might decide to truly seek and work on his recovery. So cut yourself, and DIL, a lot of slack. Neither of you are that powerful! And this is tough! It is hard to see someone you love hurt and you want to cushion their fall.
I go to Alanon and it has helped me immensely. There is also Naranon, but fewer of them. (Some members of my group would attend Naranon if there was one locally.)
It is for the family and friends of alcoholics (Alanon) or addicts (Naranon). The face to face support is tremendous and it is nice to know you are not alone. I've learned so much and have met people with tremendous serenity in their lives, even while their alcoholic/addict is still using.
And read here, the stickies, the other threads, and be good to yourself.
So my first suggestion is to show her unconditional support for her and her children. Be there for her, babysit for her, if necessary, so she can get help for herself and her children, and continue to help her in her new unfamiliar role of single mother.
It's good, I think that she's left him with the kids. It seems she has mixed emotions if she's still meeting with him, but I hear everywhere on this Site how "no contact" is so very difficult when there are kids involved.
I don't think it is a situation of "power" and yes, I do think it is a little simplistic in thinking that her staying away would cause his recovery in order to win her back. My AH is not in recovery, but I understand that he has to want it for himself, more than than anything else, even his marriage. And being in recovery may not be enough to mend the marriage, they are both different people now and need to learn new tools for coping.
It bears repeating: nothing anyone says or does for your son will really make any difference until he really, really wants to recover for himself. He needs to live the consequences of his choices, and that might get really nasty, before he might decide to truly seek and work on his recovery. So cut yourself, and DIL, a lot of slack. Neither of you are that powerful! And this is tough! It is hard to see someone you love hurt and you want to cushion their fall.
I go to Alanon and it has helped me immensely. There is also Naranon, but fewer of them. (Some members of my group would attend Naranon if there was one locally.)
It is for the family and friends of alcoholics (Alanon) or addicts (Naranon). The face to face support is tremendous and it is nice to know you are not alone. I've learned so much and have met people with tremendous serenity in their lives, even while their alcoholic/addict is still using.
And read here, the stickies, the other threads, and be good to yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
Thanks WNW.
I talk to my DIL all the time. She knows without a doubt she has our support. We are a close family and regardless of whether they are no longer together, she is the mother of my grandchildren so will forever be a part of our family.
She has shown the same level of love and willingness to remain in our lives and to keep us in regular contact with the grandkids in return.
I don't blame her for this. My son is an adult, this is his choice. I do understand that. I can't make his problem someone else's.
When I say I feel she has the power, it's not because I blame her, it's more from a feeling of hopelessness that there is nothing I can say or do that will change this, but knowing how much he does love her that an ultimatum from her may be the only thing that has the power to force him to rock bottom.
Her leaving him seems to have had a dramatic impact on him and he is beside himself. I hope that's because of his love for her and not fear of losing his crutch.
Last weekend he was rushed to hospital after an overdose (apparently accidental). He does seem to be at rock bottom, but then how low is rock bottom.
We unfortunately have not lived close to them for about 18 months now. They live considerable distance from us.
I guess I am luckier than most in the sense that I don't have the financial drain or have to deal with the day to day issues surrounding my son. Even when they were living 5 minutes from us, he never asked for money, handouts and was very good at hiding the problem from us.
It is my DIL that has borne the brunt of it.
It is also my DIL who has been the enabler. She has an incredibly soft heart and he has taken full advantage of that.
We care for her and love her and our wish was that they had a great nuclear relationship. I am torn by the fear that she WILL go back to him and that she will continue to mop up after him and that he will never hit a point where it's painful enough for him to want to stop.
Does that make sense.
In my perfect dream world. She would stay away, protect the kids and herself from his behavior (he has become extremely violent, paranoid and erratic to say the least). That he would get help, give up his addiction and that once he had sorted himself out they would get back together and live the perfect life.
I wish I could just tie him up and force him to do it, but having talked extensively to the experts over the past few days I've come to the understanding noone can do it for him. He needs to want it bad enough to make the calls and take those steps himself.
Sorry if I'm not making sense. I'm just babbling at the moment.
I talk to my DIL all the time. She knows without a doubt she has our support. We are a close family and regardless of whether they are no longer together, she is the mother of my grandchildren so will forever be a part of our family.
She has shown the same level of love and willingness to remain in our lives and to keep us in regular contact with the grandkids in return.
I don't blame her for this. My son is an adult, this is his choice. I do understand that. I can't make his problem someone else's.
When I say I feel she has the power, it's not because I blame her, it's more from a feeling of hopelessness that there is nothing I can say or do that will change this, but knowing how much he does love her that an ultimatum from her may be the only thing that has the power to force him to rock bottom.
Her leaving him seems to have had a dramatic impact on him and he is beside himself. I hope that's because of his love for her and not fear of losing his crutch.
Last weekend he was rushed to hospital after an overdose (apparently accidental). He does seem to be at rock bottom, but then how low is rock bottom.
We unfortunately have not lived close to them for about 18 months now. They live considerable distance from us.
I guess I am luckier than most in the sense that I don't have the financial drain or have to deal with the day to day issues surrounding my son. Even when they were living 5 minutes from us, he never asked for money, handouts and was very good at hiding the problem from us.
It is my DIL that has borne the brunt of it.
It is also my DIL who has been the enabler. She has an incredibly soft heart and he has taken full advantage of that.
We care for her and love her and our wish was that they had a great nuclear relationship. I am torn by the fear that she WILL go back to him and that she will continue to mop up after him and that he will never hit a point where it's painful enough for him to want to stop.
Does that make sense.
In my perfect dream world. She would stay away, protect the kids and herself from his behavior (he has become extremely violent, paranoid and erratic to say the least). That he would get help, give up his addiction and that once he had sorted himself out they would get back together and live the perfect life.
I wish I could just tie him up and force him to do it, but having talked extensively to the experts over the past few days I've come to the understanding noone can do it for him. He needs to want it bad enough to make the calls and take those steps himself.
Sorry if I'm not making sense. I'm just babbling at the moment.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Maple. Welcome. My son's father is an addict and I am a recovering addict (5 years clean from crack cocaine) so while I can't relate to having a child addicted to drugs, I certainly can understand the devestation that drugs can cause to a family, parents, children and the addict themselves.
I think one thing I had to come to terms with is that the I didn't cause his addiction. I can't control his addiction. I can't cure his addiction. I had to focus on me and my child only and accept that I could not "save" him from drugs. That is something he has to do entirely on his own. And for me I had to accept that his life was his choice, no matter how awful or harmful it was to me or the baby. I had to get out of the way of his addiction and let it run it's course so to speak. (It's still running and I haven't heard or seen him in 2 years which is sad... but at least me and my child are safe.)
We really can only control two things in this world - our actions and our response to other peoples actions. Therefore I encourage you (and your daughter in law) to seek help for yourselves by attending Al-anon or Nar-anon, to read books like Co-Dependent No More so you can learn about your behavior and what enabling looks like, and to protect yourselves and your property. Paranoid speed (or crack) users are very dangerous. Their delusions are very real to them and they are not in control of themselves. And you have no control over them either. Their minds have been taken over by drugs and they will do anything to get more. That might include hurting you, the wife, the kids or anything that threatens them or stands in their way. Distance is a very wise thing.
I think one thing I had to come to terms with is that the I didn't cause his addiction. I can't control his addiction. I can't cure his addiction. I had to focus on me and my child only and accept that I could not "save" him from drugs. That is something he has to do entirely on his own. And for me I had to accept that his life was his choice, no matter how awful or harmful it was to me or the baby. I had to get out of the way of his addiction and let it run it's course so to speak. (It's still running and I haven't heard or seen him in 2 years which is sad... but at least me and my child are safe.)
We really can only control two things in this world - our actions and our response to other peoples actions. Therefore I encourage you (and your daughter in law) to seek help for yourselves by attending Al-anon or Nar-anon, to read books like Co-Dependent No More so you can learn about your behavior and what enabling looks like, and to protect yourselves and your property. Paranoid speed (or crack) users are very dangerous. Their delusions are very real to them and they are not in control of themselves. And you have no control over them either. Their minds have been taken over by drugs and they will do anything to get more. That might include hurting you, the wife, the kids or anything that threatens them or stands in their way. Distance is a very wise thing.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
I have the distance thing. As I said, he does not approach me for financial support in any way shape or form. I have never noticed anything missing whilst he has been over and before our move they were spending considerable time at our place, often staying overnight.
I noticed the erratic behavior and silly signs but had no idea this was the cause of it until now. He'd be over for a visit with the kids and DIL and all of a sudden would just disappear without a word. He'd just go and noone knew where he was. He wouldn't say goodbye, nothing and would not return.
DIL said he did this often. I put it down to maybe they had an argument I didn't know about but thought it extremely odd. When I'd question him about it he'd say he just went for a walk and then caught up with so and so, got carried away or DIL was driving him mad and he needed to get away, etc.
Just before our move he had a huge fight with DIL and accused her of having an affair, said he could hear a man's voice at the back door and that he knew she was trying to hide it.
He started setting traps to see if he could catch her out.
I knew he was being paranoid but just thought it was he was being possessive and irrationally jealous.
He could be standing in the house one room away from her but still accuse her of having an affair with someone in the short time he was standing in the next room.
Just crazy stuff.
He has hit her, completely destroyed their furniture and home.
He believes she is trying to set him up to have him killed, that people are trying to track him down and have him killed. That he can be tracked through appliances and devices.
This had me thinking over the past 6 months maybe he had schizophrenia. It wasn't until DIL finally told me that he was taking ICE and I read about it that I finally understood the paranoia is related to his drug use.
I noticed the erratic behavior and silly signs but had no idea this was the cause of it until now. He'd be over for a visit with the kids and DIL and all of a sudden would just disappear without a word. He'd just go and noone knew where he was. He wouldn't say goodbye, nothing and would not return.
DIL said he did this often. I put it down to maybe they had an argument I didn't know about but thought it extremely odd. When I'd question him about it he'd say he just went for a walk and then caught up with so and so, got carried away or DIL was driving him mad and he needed to get away, etc.
Just before our move he had a huge fight with DIL and accused her of having an affair, said he could hear a man's voice at the back door and that he knew she was trying to hide it.
He started setting traps to see if he could catch her out.
I knew he was being paranoid but just thought it was he was being possessive and irrationally jealous.
He could be standing in the house one room away from her but still accuse her of having an affair with someone in the short time he was standing in the next room.
Just crazy stuff.
He has hit her, completely destroyed their furniture and home.
He believes she is trying to set him up to have him killed, that people are trying to track him down and have him killed. That he can be tracked through appliances and devices.
This had me thinking over the past 6 months maybe he had schizophrenia. It wasn't until DIL finally told me that he was taking ICE and I read about it that I finally understood the paranoia is related to his drug use.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I was pregnant.
Stopping isn't the hardest part. I stopped many times. Everytime I ran out of crack I would say "I'm done". Staying stopped is the real challenge. Learning to live without dope and to deal with life on lifes terms. Not easy. Takes a lifetime.
Stopping isn't the hardest part. I stopped many times. Everytime I ran out of crack I would say "I'm done". Staying stopped is the real challenge. Learning to live without dope and to deal with life on lifes terms. Not easy. Takes a lifetime.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
Thanks WNW.
I talk to my DIL all the time. She knows without a doubt she has our support. We are a close family and regardless of whether they are no longer together, she is the mother of my grandchildren so will forever be a part of our family.
She has shown the same level of love and willingness to remain in our lives and to keep us in regular contact with the grandkids in return.
I don't blame her for this. My son is an adult, this is his choice. I do understand that. I can't make his problem someone else's.
When I say I feel she has the power, it's not because I blame her, it's more from a feeling of hopelessness that there is nothing I can say or do that will change this, but knowing how much he does love her that an ultimatum from her may be the only thing that has the power to force him to rock bottom.
Her leaving him seems to have had a dramatic impact on him and he is beside himself. I hope that's because of his love for her and not fear of losing his crutch.
Last weekend he was rushed to hospital after an overdose (apparently accidental). He does seem to be at rock bottom, but then how low is rock bottom.
We unfortunately have not lived close to them for about 18 months now. They live considerable distance from us.
I guess I am luckier than most in the sense that I don't have the financial drain or have to deal with the day to day issues surrounding my son. Even when they were living 5 minutes from us, he never asked for money, handouts and was very good at hiding the problem from us.
It is my DIL that has borne the brunt of it.
It is also my DIL who has been the enabler. She has an incredibly soft heart and he has taken full advantage of that.
We care for her and love her and our wish was that they had a great nuclear relationship. I am torn by the fear that she WILL go back to him and that she will continue to mop up after him and that he will never hit a point where it's painful enough for him to want to stop.
Does that make sense.
In my perfect dream world. She would stay away, protect the kids and herself from his behavior (he has become extremely violent, paranoid and erratic to say the least). That he would get help, give up his addiction and that once he had sorted himself out they would get back together and live the perfect life.
I wish I could just tie him up and force him to do it, but having talked extensively to the experts over the past few days I've come to the understanding noone can do it for him. He needs to want it bad enough to make the calls and take those steps himself.
Sorry if I'm not making sense. I'm just babbling at the moment.
I talk to my DIL all the time. She knows without a doubt she has our support. We are a close family and regardless of whether they are no longer together, she is the mother of my grandchildren so will forever be a part of our family.
She has shown the same level of love and willingness to remain in our lives and to keep us in regular contact with the grandkids in return.
I don't blame her for this. My son is an adult, this is his choice. I do understand that. I can't make his problem someone else's.
When I say I feel she has the power, it's not because I blame her, it's more from a feeling of hopelessness that there is nothing I can say or do that will change this, but knowing how much he does love her that an ultimatum from her may be the only thing that has the power to force him to rock bottom.
Her leaving him seems to have had a dramatic impact on him and he is beside himself. I hope that's because of his love for her and not fear of losing his crutch.
Last weekend he was rushed to hospital after an overdose (apparently accidental). He does seem to be at rock bottom, but then how low is rock bottom.
We unfortunately have not lived close to them for about 18 months now. They live considerable distance from us.
I guess I am luckier than most in the sense that I don't have the financial drain or have to deal with the day to day issues surrounding my son. Even when they were living 5 minutes from us, he never asked for money, handouts and was very good at hiding the problem from us.
It is my DIL that has borne the brunt of it.
It is also my DIL who has been the enabler. She has an incredibly soft heart and he has taken full advantage of that.
We care for her and love her and our wish was that they had a great nuclear relationship. I am torn by the fear that she WILL go back to him and that she will continue to mop up after him and that he will never hit a point where it's painful enough for him to want to stop.
Does that make sense.
In my perfect dream world. She would stay away, protect the kids and herself from his behavior (he has become extremely violent, paranoid and erratic to say the least). That he would get help, give up his addiction and that once he had sorted himself out they would get back together and live the perfect life.
I wish I could just tie him up and force him to do it, but having talked extensively to the experts over the past few days I've come to the understanding noone can do it for him. He needs to want it bad enough to make the calls and take those steps himself.
Sorry if I'm not making sense. I'm just babbling at the moment.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
He believes she is trying to set him up to have him killed, that people are trying to track him down and have him killed. That he can be tracked through appliances and devices.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
nope. not babbling! I hear your frustration.
Your DIL has a lot to sift through. She's probably feeling like a bit of failure, since her marriage is falling apart (and she's probably been told by your son that it's her fault). She might feel like she's depriving her children of their father (and he's probably saying that, too). She might be wondering why love doesn't conquer all. Why her love wasn't enough to have him "choose her and the kids".
And if your son has been addicted for a while, he'll pull any emotional manipulation he can to maintain the status quo. She probably didn't realize the depth of his addiction, and his manipulation, for quite a while. She has a lot to work out. And her self-confidence is probably a little wobbly, at best. It isn't easy.
She might go back to him. Her thinking has been affected by his addiction, and addicts can be pretty persuasive.
She needs her own recovery now, as well.
I am sorry I cannot be more hopeful. I think it's unrealistic hope that gets us /keeps us enabling.
p.s. Wow! For some reason I didn't see your posts re his delusional behaviour re DIL having affairs etc. and hitting her and wrecking furniture. That is messed up! I hope she has good support where they live and is taking good steps to protect herself and her kids!
Your DIL has a lot to sift through. She's probably feeling like a bit of failure, since her marriage is falling apart (and she's probably been told by your son that it's her fault). She might feel like she's depriving her children of their father (and he's probably saying that, too). She might be wondering why love doesn't conquer all. Why her love wasn't enough to have him "choose her and the kids".
And if your son has been addicted for a while, he'll pull any emotional manipulation he can to maintain the status quo. She probably didn't realize the depth of his addiction, and his manipulation, for quite a while. She has a lot to work out. And her self-confidence is probably a little wobbly, at best. It isn't easy.
She might go back to him. Her thinking has been affected by his addiction, and addicts can be pretty persuasive.
She needs her own recovery now, as well.
I am sorry I cannot be more hopeful. I think it's unrealistic hope that gets us /keeps us enabling.
p.s. Wow! For some reason I didn't see your posts re his delusional behaviour re DIL having affairs etc. and hitting her and wrecking furniture. That is messed up! I hope she has good support where they live and is taking good steps to protect herself and her kids!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
This is very scary because he truly believes this is true and no one can talk sense into him. Dangerous situation.
He does truly believe someone is trying to kill him and that DIL is cheating.
I do fear for her safety. Not so much mine but definitely hers and the kids. She seems to be the brunt of his focus.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
WNW, she is very family focused as well. During our talks she has mentioned that she doesn't want the kids to lose their father, that she feels bad for taking them away from him, especially when he rings and says he needs to see them.
She said he gives her the sad eyes when he knows he can't stop her from leaving and she feels so bad.
He does blame her and has even accused her of taking the same drug, although I don't see the same crazy signs in her that I see in him.
I spoke to him on the phone tonight. He was with DIL when I rang. I explained to him that I had heard about his overdose, that I knew what he was taking, that I know now that he has been taking it for a long time. I asked him if he realised he was an addict and he agreed. I asked him if he was interested in stopping and he said he didn't know.
I asked him to give me 5 minutes to hear me out on what I had to say to him. That upfront I knew I couldn't force him into anything, that this was purely his decision and that he was the only one who could decide to help himself.
I explained to him that I had spent the best part of the day researching detox centers and residential rehabilitation centers. I told him about these and the processes. I asked him if he was interested and again he said 'I don't know...excuses excuses excuses'.
So I told him I would email the information to him (and I have) with the telephone numbers so that he could think about it and contact them when he was ready.
I'm thinking that if he has been on drugs for this long he may already know about these places. I've emailed them anyway.
She said he gives her the sad eyes when he knows he can't stop her from leaving and she feels so bad.
He does blame her and has even accused her of taking the same drug, although I don't see the same crazy signs in her that I see in him.
I spoke to him on the phone tonight. He was with DIL when I rang. I explained to him that I had heard about his overdose, that I knew what he was taking, that I know now that he has been taking it for a long time. I asked him if he realised he was an addict and he agreed. I asked him if he was interested in stopping and he said he didn't know.
I asked him to give me 5 minutes to hear me out on what I had to say to him. That upfront I knew I couldn't force him into anything, that this was purely his decision and that he was the only one who could decide to help himself.
I explained to him that I had spent the best part of the day researching detox centers and residential rehabilitation centers. I told him about these and the processes. I asked him if he was interested and again he said 'I don't know...excuses excuses excuses'.
So I told him I would email the information to him (and I have) with the telephone numbers so that he could think about it and contact them when he was ready.
I'm thinking that if he has been on drugs for this long he may already know about these places. I've emailed them anyway.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Oh, how I know those "sad eyes"!
It sounds like you've done all you can for your son. It is now up to him.
It's hard to feel side-lined and watch/wait for him to do his bit. So, may I gently suggest, as I've heard here before "step away from the addict".
Focus your energies on those grandkids!
It sounds like you've done all you can for your son. It is now up to him.
It's hard to feel side-lined and watch/wait for him to do his bit. So, may I gently suggest, as I've heard here before "step away from the addict".
Focus your energies on those grandkids!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 47
Thanks WNW. No need to be gentle about it. If there is any advice I'm sadly in need of all of it.
How do you move forward when they choose to remain an addict. I don't even know what sort of relationship I should have with him now.
Stepping away, does that mean stepping away altogether as in no contact or just any form of enabling?
How do you move forward when they choose to remain an addict. I don't even know what sort of relationship I should have with him now.
Stepping away, does that mean stepping away altogether as in no contact or just any form of enabling?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I think how you proceed with your son is up to you and what you feel comfortable with, whether you decide to set a boundry of "I will not have a relationship with an active addict" or "I will not talk/see anyone who is under the influence at the time" or any other line you want to draw.
Boundries are what you decide is acceptable for you, and when presented with the unacceptable, you choose your reaction. It is not a "you can't" rule, it is a "I will" type of rule. There are threads here discussing such things as I won't give money, but I will provide a meal occasionally. It is what you are comfortable with in your relationship (or non-relationship) to your addict/alcoholic.
You don't even have to announce your boundries.
Lots of people here have read Codependant No More and found it a great help.
What I meant when I said "step away" was that you have discussed with your son his addiction, asked his intentions and offered contact information. To keep having this conversation would be redundant and if he feels shamed by it, it might enable him to rationalize continued use, and to blame you.
Boundries are what you decide is acceptable for you, and when presented with the unacceptable, you choose your reaction. It is not a "you can't" rule, it is a "I will" type of rule. There are threads here discussing such things as I won't give money, but I will provide a meal occasionally. It is what you are comfortable with in your relationship (or non-relationship) to your addict/alcoholic.
You don't even have to announce your boundries.
Lots of people here have read Codependant No More and found it a great help.
What I meant when I said "step away" was that you have discussed with your son his addiction, asked his intentions and offered contact information. To keep having this conversation would be redundant and if he feels shamed by it, it might enable him to rationalize continued use, and to blame you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here.
Your DIL has as much power over her husband as your do, your son, which is absolutely none.
We cannot predict a bottom. What many of us here repeatedly thought was bottom, were blips in the spiral.
The Police in many places have special protocols for handling people who are "tweaking" on Meth because of spontaneous violence. Thank goodness DIL got the kids and herself to a safe place.
Keep in mind that your son is not using drugs at his wife and kids. It's not personal. Just feels that way for those who care about him.
Hugs from one mom to another.
Your DIL has as much power over her husband as your do, your son, which is absolutely none.
We cannot predict a bottom. What many of us here repeatedly thought was bottom, were blips in the spiral.
The Police in many places have special protocols for handling people who are "tweaking" on Meth because of spontaneous violence. Thank goodness DIL got the kids and herself to a safe place.
Keep in mind that your son is not using drugs at his wife and kids. It's not personal. Just feels that way for those who care about him.
Hugs from one mom to another.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Maple,
My rabf (we are currently separated) and i have been together for 4 years and have two children together. His mother is very supportive of me and the kids and her and I have a wonderful relationship. I feel very lucky that she can see the situation for what it is. I seperated from him 3 months ago and I wish I could say he is doing everything in his power to be back in our lives, but I can't. I am okay with that though. i know that he cannot do the right things for me or the kids, he has to do it for himself. I am allowing him to see the kids as long as he is not using, however he is still in a very selfish place right now and sometimes does not keep plans with the kids. IMO, it would be very helpful for you, DIL and kids for you and DIL to continue to have a good relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
My rabf (we are currently separated) and i have been together for 4 years and have two children together. His mother is very supportive of me and the kids and her and I have a wonderful relationship. I feel very lucky that she can see the situation for what it is. I seperated from him 3 months ago and I wish I could say he is doing everything in his power to be back in our lives, but I can't. I am okay with that though. i know that he cannot do the right things for me or the kids, he has to do it for himself. I am allowing him to see the kids as long as he is not using, however he is still in a very selfish place right now and sometimes does not keep plans with the kids. IMO, it would be very helpful for you, DIL and kids for you and DIL to continue to have a good relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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