kazibar

My alcoholic and biploar brother had a major crash this weekend. He blames me for saying I want to sell my mother's house in the spring.

Our mother died very suddenly on 3rd Septmber. She has looked after my brother for the last ten years. He has never had to pay a bill or take any responsibility in that time. Whilst it kept him from killing himself, it made her last years really hard. About every 18 months he would dive into driniking and need crisis mental health help. I am heartily sick of it all. He is so emotionallly manipultive and selfish.

When mum died he immediately fell of the wagon. So instead of grieving, I was stuck organising the funeral alone and trying to get him re-engaged with mental health and alcohold services. After a week of supervising him on Librium he pulled himself together and has been rather manic for a month.

Then at the weekend he called me with implausible plans for renting mum's house. He has lived there for years, but the will says that the house has to be sold and the money split. He would have enough to buy a flat and I was all ready to help with that. He has no job and no income beyond a disability benefit that doesnt even cover his cigarettes.

Now he says that the only way he will leave the house is in a coffin. He will kill himself rather than leave. He is in complete mental and alcoholic crisis. A friend went over this morning ans says he is in an awful state.

I just called the doctor and they have contacted teh local mental helath crisis team... they are going to do an assessment.

I feel so helpless and guility. I dont want to share responsibility for a house with a mentally ill alcoholic. I cleared up his flat in London twice - it was awful. So I want the hosue sold. At the same time, I dont want to be the cause of him killing himself.

I cant go up there. He is four hours drive away. I already took two weeks off this quarter with mum dying and am due to go into hospital next week myslef for an operation.

It just makes me feel at my wits end. I have already lost mum, moved house and nursed him through one crisis this month. I just want to run away and hide....

K

catlovermi

I'm sorry for the circumstances and stress in your life, but glad you have discovered SR where you will find wonderful support!

EVEN IF your brother is mentally ill, it is in no way your fault how he chooses to act. At best, you can give him adult options, such as selling the house as per your mother's will, and giving him his due share of money. After that, it is up to him what he chooses to do.

Just because he was allowed to live without responsibility while your mother was alive does not entitle him to transfer his deficits to you, now. It is time for him to face adult circumstances, because he is an adult. It is not your fault that he has chosen to live in a manner that is infantile, nor are the consequences of this yours to bear, they are HIS to bear.

He is using emotional blackmail to control you and your actions - threatening things if he doesn't get his way. If you let him blackmail you using this technique even once, he will continue to use this technique repeatedly. This is a type of person that you will need to engineer certain obstacles of separation from, in order to live peacefully - such as do not share financial interests or living space, or you will be manipulated and stressed beyond belief as he distorts the "agreements" in such arrangements.

Getting a neutral third part involved could be very useful, such as community mental health services, etc. This takes the burden off of you for his problems which you do not own, and cannot control.

Local Al-Anon groups are a wonderful source of wisdom and support for those like you whose life is turned upside down by the crises of drinkers. Al-Anon will teach you how to manage, and disentangle yourself from the consequences of HIS choices.

Sending encouragement!

CLMI

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family,

You will find support, information and understanding here.

I am sorry about your loss. My sympathy to you as you grieve the loss of your mother.

I am also sorry about your brother's condition.

Please understand this about your brother's addiction:

You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it

You have done well in assisting/directing him to resources thus far. I encourage you to find local support for yourself through Alanon and/or counseling as you learn more about alcoholism. The support will help you as you continue to make healthy choices to take care of yourself too.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. This is one of my favorite posts (found in the permanent posts at the tops of the forum)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

kazibar

I called up his doctor and his friend went over there. He is now taking my AB to the mental hospital. Hopefully Social Services will take him on board. However my experience is that they really dont want to deal with people who are drinking. At the same time, for my bro the drinking and depression are not separate. If they send him home alone he will be unable to care for himself. If they admit him, I would be sooo releived. But I am avoiding my own responsibilty.

At the same time I know that I have my own stuff to deal with. I too lost mum suddenly. I have an operation a week today. I just don't have enough energy to even engage with him in a detached way. Usually I am good at this. On Sunday morning I lost my temper and told him why I don't want to co-own a house with him long term - because he isnt stable and wreckd the house that he did own...

Part of me thinks I should rush up there. Indeed some well meaning friends who have only seen this recently think I should. But I have sworn to myslef that I will not rush to the rescue again. How many times can I do that without hurting myself.

He is a grown up. He acts like a small child.

Maybe now his choices will come home to roost.

I wont be his mummy. I just wont.

Kazibar

wellnowwhat

I agree with everything you wrote, except the part where you say you are avoiding responsibility.

Well-meaning friends are just that: well-meaning, unless they've become educated about alcoholism. I find I get better information and advice from my Alanon friends, and real support.

I'm afraid your brother is going to pull every manipulation he can think of to maintain his living arrangements. As for the "only leaving when he is dead" comment, I would call the police when it sounds like he is threatening suicide. Most likely it is a manipulation tool, but either way, if the EMS brings him in for assessment he is with people who can help him, and if not, he'll think twice before trying that manipulation again with you.

His accident and his situation are his responsibilities, he just doesn't want to be accountable. That doesn't mean you should step in.

Good luck in dealing with him while keeping your serenity, it sounds like it will be a challenge, but it does sound like you are up for it!

Give yourself some TLC. You deserve it and it will help you recovery from your surgery.

skippernlilg

Welcome, Kaz,

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your mother. You need time for your own grief and for your physical recovery from your medical issues.

Put Kaz first. You have our enthusiastic encouragement in that.