LSNP

I hold back so many tears all the freaking time that my face is literally lined with the effort.

The only time I can really let it out and cry is after about four or five drinks.... and only if I am alone.

WTF is up with that?

Philomena

Drink let's us cry, I think u need to trust someone and just talk, if u let it out fine if not fine, but drink can just be a depressant adding more frustration when sober.
I hope u learn to cry with out it!

Anna

I was the same.

In recovery, it seems that the tears flow at appropriate times, and it feels good.

LSNP

I wish I could trust. Anyone. Anyone at all.

I am home today alone, knowing that I have to stop drinking... and drinking is the ONLY thing that quiets that hounding bitch of a voice inside my head that hates Me.

I have no friends.
I have no family.

...or none that I can trust.

I have been through more than I wanted to go through.

I know we all have our stories...... but today? Today I just can't seem to find even one small glimmer of light.

Alcohol, right now, is my only friend. And, as with the rest of them, it is a friend I cannot and should not trust. Like my previous family and friends... the truth is, alcohol is just like they are.... fake. A lying, stealing, ******* fake.

Sigh.

The worst fake of all.

LSNP

So... how many of us want to die, I wonder? And does that go away, too, eventually?

Terminally Unique

If you stop ingesting high proof CNS depressants, there is a good chance that such thoughts will go away. At the very least, they will subside significantly, and you will be in a position where anti-depressants could actually work if you needed to take them.

peaceful1

Yes, that does definitely go away. And just know that the little nagging voice in the head is not you....it's just your mind thinking self destructive thoughts. Try not to identify with them, as they are not who you are, but will definitely prevent you from feeling any peace if you think that they are true, and will more than likely lead you to drink just to escape the pain...believe me, I've been where you are.

LSNP

TU, you are right. I know you are right. I just need to get there again. I need to get past that first freaking nightmarish day.

...then, maybe, I can learn to stop hating myself. The hating myself is what makes me want to drink. The hating myself is what I don't even understand. There is absolutely nothing about me that is Hateworthy... except to Me. I am pretty (or was), I am successful (enough), I am kind (overly), my heart is soft (too), my mind is smart (about some things).... I am thin, my children are awesome, I am the best friend one could ever want, I ... I just don't know why I hate myself and why I have alienated myself so much from the world that my only friend, now... my only diversion.... is alcohol. I just don't understand it.

I could have a date every single night of the week.
I don't want to go.

What is wrong with me??? And will it get better if I put the bottle down? Will it?????

Terminally Unique

I don't know you, but probably nothing much other than the fact that you are addicted to alcohol.

It won't all be unicorns and rainbows right away, but yes.

Philomena

Lsnp, I also hate myself due to the things I have done whilst drunk, I would never make the decisions sober, the final straw for me was last weekend, I let everyone down, including me yet again, It was my first Friday night without a beer in a long time, I am a binge drinker, today is tough but I try to remember the final actions and sinking feeling that is stopping me heading to a bottle today! I pushed alot of people away while drinking I have no friends now either but I plan on liking myself first and then get a new set.... I am with you .hang in there...

Dee74

Hi again LSNP

Yeah it will get better - there's hundreds of people here with stories to prove it

Drinking did as much damage to my mind as it did to the rest of my body - it darkened my worldview, it isolated me, it made me scared, it made me angry and bitter.

Putting down the drink was the first step in reclaiming my old personality back - the real me - I know you can do that too

There's a ton of hope, support & encouragement here
D

sugarbear1

When the alcohol stops working for you, aa has a solution that will help you stop believing you're a piece of crap. You must be willing.

Welcome home!

artsoul

.

I think it was the other way around for me........Drinking takes me to a very dark place, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It was definitely not my friend, though I thought so at the time. It caused 99% of the anxiety and depression I felt, which only a drink could relieve, which created even more anxiety and depression. It's a miserable life.

The catch-22 was that it took getting sober to see it for what it was. Alcohol can ruin the best of people and make us think we're hopeless. Don't believe it! You can feel really good about yourself again, LSNP (and that's better than any buzz).:ghug3

freshstart57

Well said, artsoul. From this chair, every word there was truth.

endlesspatience

It strikes me that it's rare to hear people cry in AA meetings. Yes, they tell sad stories and are sometimes very moved. Yes, there are often a few tears - especially from the women - when they are actually explaining their emotions to others. But having been to a lot of meetings, I have almost never seen people sob all the way through them and remain in floods of tears afterwards. That kind of crying seems to be moderated by the process of turning up at a meeting, processing the emotions through words and sitting in a group. That suggests to me that even for people who are facing real depression, the experience of being in regular contact with an AA group makes a profound emotional difference. Not saying that as a mental health expert, just based on my observations in AA.

least

I drank cause I was depressed. In the end drinking kept me depressed, and worse than ever. It took me a few months after getting sober but I worked on myself and my life and yes, slowly things got better. But in reality, I was the thing getting better.

LSNP

It was definitely not my friend, though I thought so at the time. It caused 99% of the anxiety and depression I felt, which only a drink could relieve, which created even more anxiety and depression. It's a miserable life.

Definitely a vicious cycle. This is so true. Yesterday was black, black, black for me. Home alone, again, on a Saturday. No friends. No family. No life. Went straight to the bottle and everything went downhill from there. My only outing was for more. Pathetic.

Am going to try very hard today to stay busy and ignore the little voice that won't shut her trap.

Going to try to make it through today. Not sure if I will. Doubtful. But if I limit intake today, stay busy... maybe I can make it through Day One tomorrow, when I will have a head start, since I work. I have to get through another Day One. If I can do that, it will be easier. I wish I knew how I got here. With everything. Not just booze, but everything. Ugh. Thanks to everyone. Will try to log on every day. I need you guys.

freshstart57

LSNP, there are ways of getting sober that directly target that 'little voice'. Some call it the PIG (Problem of Immediate Gratification), others call it the Beast, and others come up with their own distasteful personification. This information may provide you some ideas that will work for you.

sugarbear1

LSNP,
stick around here! We need you.

I remember the blackness. I don't want to go back there. Just today, don't drink. It gets different then better. You aren't alone today. I feel that pain. It will change.
hugs & love,

Pigtails

Hi LSNP. I just wanted to let you know that when I went to my second AA meeting (this was awhile ago) I felt this uncontrollable urge to cry. I was choking back tears. When it became my turn to talk I just started bawling, I couldn't get through a sentence. I sobbed the rest of the meeting. At the end everyone was very supportive and this young guy, looked like a teenager or maybe 20, who had been sitting next to me told me not to worry, he's cried through many meetings.

I think there is a huge relationship between alcoholism and depression. I am not sure which one causes the other or if they're just both there. I do know that alcohol worsens depression rather than improving it. So I think if you just stop drinking, that is your best chance of feeling better. I'm not totally sure because I keep repeating the same stupid process of depression and alcoholism. I'm not sure if I (or you) could benefit from anti-depression medication etc. But I do know that they won't really work if we drink. So for me first I am going to stop drinking, I'm on Day 5 but this time it's for good, and then I'm going to address the mental health issues. I don't think I can give it a fair shot until I quit drinking. I know I was a happy child. I know that like you I have a lot going for me, a lot to offer. So I really hope that if I stop drinking long enough my depression will go away. And if it doesn't then I will address it with medication. I don't have all the answers but I'm just sharing, and I also read on here and in books that people's lives are turned around after they stop drinking and recover... that their depression and hopeless sense of being really does go away. So I want to believe that is true for both of us. Good luck.