How to deal with being afraid that A is using again?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
How to deal with being afraid that A is using again?
AH has been clean this time around for about a month and a half. His DOC is pain pills. We were married for about 4 years before I found out he was an addict. Once I found out after about 6 months he got clean and was clean about a year. During that year I was always suspicious and worried whether he was using or not. The pain pills were hard to detect. He was a pro at covering it up.
I thought I had made my mind up to leave my AH, but now i am going back and trying to pin point some of the problems I have with working on my marriage. This is one of the big problems.
I felt like I was always worried about him using. It made me feel like a prisoner . . that I can't live my life because I'm always worrying if he's on drugs. Then because i don't want to be like that then it makes me mad at him because he has brought this problem into our lives. This is a horrible cycle.
So then i say OK let it go . . stop worrying but then I think thats kinda dumb because if I don't kinda stay on guard then I could end up how I was 2 years ago. My AH using all our money on drugs, wrecking our car and practically living a double life. So how do you manage this? How do you live your life not constantly worrying, but be alert to his actions at the same time so that you don't get hit by the bid DRUG train?
We have a 3yr old child. I'm scared to death AH would put him in harm. How do you get past this worry? I don't know how I would live with myself if I were to take AH back and then something happen to my son.
I can't figure out how to get past the anxiety of whether he's using or not?
Please help . . . anyone else experiencing this? How did you deal with it?
I thought I had made my mind up to leave my AH, but now i am going back and trying to pin point some of the problems I have with working on my marriage. This is one of the big problems.
I felt like I was always worried about him using. It made me feel like a prisoner . . that I can't live my life because I'm always worrying if he's on drugs. Then because i don't want to be like that then it makes me mad at him because he has brought this problem into our lives. This is a horrible cycle.
So then i say OK let it go . . stop worrying but then I think thats kinda dumb because if I don't kinda stay on guard then I could end up how I was 2 years ago. My AH using all our money on drugs, wrecking our car and practically living a double life. So how do you manage this? How do you live your life not constantly worrying, but be alert to his actions at the same time so that you don't get hit by the bid DRUG train?
We have a 3yr old child. I'm scared to death AH would put him in harm. How do you get past this worry? I don't know how I would live with myself if I were to take AH back and then something happen to my son.
I can't figure out how to get past the anxiety of whether he's using or not?
Please help . . . anyone else experiencing this? How did you deal with it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Riverside Ca
Posts: 117
Please do not take this the wrong way..but you sound a tad bit addicted to worrying..
Have you talked to him?? Hit him out of nowhere with a blunt question and read his reaction. The truth is always in the eyes. Good luck.
Have you talked to him?? Hit him out of nowhere with a blunt question and read his reaction. The truth is always in the eyes. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It makes sense to me that you would be worried when you have a 3-year old in the house. A month and a half is not very long. Is there something in particular that happened that made you worry about the safety of your son? Maybe your concerns are reasonable?
You don't have any control or prior knowledge as to whether or not he is going to start re-taking pills. However, you do have control over how much it messes up your life. Have you done things like have separate banking acounts, etc.? You might want to do things to protect yourself in case he does go back to the drugs.
You don't have any control or prior knowledge as to whether or not he is going to start re-taking pills. However, you do have control over how much it messes up your life. Have you done things like have separate banking acounts, etc.? You might want to do things to protect yourself in case he does go back to the drugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Get your own bank account. Start saving money back. This is something you can control.
When an intuition hits to do something...do it...listen. I know we are not supposed to snoop around and I don't anymore...but if I hadn't had that intuitive sense to check my son's car to get his college password to see if he was missing classes...I never would have seen the cocaine scales and the shotgun...that led to a full disclosure of his being all messed up and dealing drugs...the cops came...he went to detox....then he flew the coop when we laid down the rules of the house. But now that we created boundaries and are aware of the whole lifestyle he was leading...my life is getting more peaceful.
Decide what you will and will not put up with and stick to it as if your life depended on it...because it does. Make a safe plan for you and your child. It may never come to that...but again...that is something proactive you can do. Try naranon, alanon, or counselling...trust that you will know the truth in time...when the time presents itself.
What is he actively doing to stay sober...meetings, sponsor, new friends instead of old druggy buddies...Remember listen to what they say...watch what they do...if they don't add up there's a problem.
When an intuition hits to do something...do it...listen. I know we are not supposed to snoop around and I don't anymore...but if I hadn't had that intuitive sense to check my son's car to get his college password to see if he was missing classes...I never would have seen the cocaine scales and the shotgun...that led to a full disclosure of his being all messed up and dealing drugs...the cops came...he went to detox....then he flew the coop when we laid down the rules of the house. But now that we created boundaries and are aware of the whole lifestyle he was leading...my life is getting more peaceful.
Decide what you will and will not put up with and stick to it as if your life depended on it...because it does. Make a safe plan for you and your child. It may never come to that...but again...that is something proactive you can do. Try naranon, alanon, or counselling...trust that you will know the truth in time...when the time presents itself.
What is he actively doing to stay sober...meetings, sponsor, new friends instead of old druggy buddies...Remember listen to what they say...watch what they do...if they don't add up there's a problem.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your child is already predisposed to inheriting the addiction gene and being raised
in the home of an addict only further impacts his future, all in a negative way. Children carry their childhood experiences into their adulthood. Positive=Postive, Negative=Negative.
Worrying and snooping accomplishes nothing, it is a total waste of time. Trust your gut, it never lies, and, leave it at that.
To me, your priorty needs to be your child, he is an adult, his addiction is his problem to
resolve. He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean or not.
Do what is best for your son, it is your responsibility to provide a safe, non toxic enviorment, you are his voice.
in the home of an addict only further impacts his future, all in a negative way. Children carry their childhood experiences into their adulthood. Positive=Postive, Negative=Negative.
Worrying and snooping accomplishes nothing, it is a total waste of time. Trust your gut, it never lies, and, leave it at that.
To me, your priorty needs to be your child, he is an adult, his addiction is his problem to
resolve. He will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean or not.
Do what is best for your son, it is your responsibility to provide a safe, non toxic enviorment, you are his voice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The only way that I have been able to get past the worry of whether my son is using or not is to accept that I have no control over it. There is no sense in worrying about something you cannot control. The worry doesn't change it. The worry doesn't make it happen and it doesn't prevent it from happening. But it steals our time and makes us feel awful.
You, your sweet child and your husband are in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
You, your sweet child and your husband are in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
We do have separate bank accounts and I have a good job so that I am not financial dependant on him. . thank God!!
Bluebelle for me anytime he is using in our home it is a danger to my son. He is home sometimes alone with him while I am at work. He drives him places from time to time. I am scared to death something would happen to him.
I know that worrying about it doesn't change or help anything. What I am scared of is taking AH back and then him going back to drugs somewhere down the line.
The future with AH terrifies me.
We all know addiction is for life. We all know the statistics for relapse. That is what I'm having a hard time with.
How do you deal with the worry of your A using again?
I don't know how to deal with the thought that something could happen to my son if I stay with AH. I would feel so stupid, guilty and just like the scum of the earth if something happened.
If there was a car accident, AH feel asleep and my son walked out into the street, AH leaves the stove on and the house burns downs or just the exposure of drugs to my son.
I was with AH for 4 years before knowing he was an A. What if that happened again?
I guess what it all boils down to is the risk. We all take risks when we go into a relationship with someone. We all take the risk that they will be a good partner, that they will love us, support us, and be faithful and so on. To me I am just wondering now that the cards are on the table with AH is it worth the risk.
I think what I am leaning towards is maybe just separating from AH and seeing how he is doing with his recovery before making a finally decision to divorce. I don’t know honestly no options look very good at this point, because even if I separate from him he will still be with our son from time to time. Uuuggg this is all so disgusting : (
Bluebelle for me anytime he is using in our home it is a danger to my son. He is home sometimes alone with him while I am at work. He drives him places from time to time. I am scared to death something would happen to him.
I know that worrying about it doesn't change or help anything. What I am scared of is taking AH back and then him going back to drugs somewhere down the line.
The future with AH terrifies me.
We all know addiction is for life. We all know the statistics for relapse. That is what I'm having a hard time with.
How do you deal with the worry of your A using again?
I don't know how to deal with the thought that something could happen to my son if I stay with AH. I would feel so stupid, guilty and just like the scum of the earth if something happened.
If there was a car accident, AH feel asleep and my son walked out into the street, AH leaves the stove on and the house burns downs or just the exposure of drugs to my son.
I was with AH for 4 years before knowing he was an A. What if that happened again?
I guess what it all boils down to is the risk. We all take risks when we go into a relationship with someone. We all take the risk that they will be a good partner, that they will love us, support us, and be faithful and so on. To me I am just wondering now that the cards are on the table with AH is it worth the risk.
I think what I am leaning towards is maybe just separating from AH and seeing how he is doing with his recovery before making a finally decision to divorce. I don’t know honestly no options look very good at this point, because even if I separate from him he will still be with our son from time to time. Uuuggg this is all so disgusting : (
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by suki44883 
While it's true we all take risks in life, that should never be the case where a child is concerned. Their welfare and safety should be paramount.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
I aggree that my son's well being is number one. At the same time I feel bad about taking him away from his dad. I know that being around an active addict is not acceptable however AH is not active. He relapsed and has now been clean for almost 2 months.
Hopeful I feel that a seperation may be the best thing right now, but how do you deal with the visitations. I want my son to be able to see his dad. He is a good dad and my son loves him very much. It scares me though.
Hopeful I feel that a seperation may be the best thing right now, but how do you deal with the visitations. I want my son to be able to see his dad. He is a good dad and my son loves him very much. It scares me though.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 121
My children and I visit with RABF at his mother's house. Typically either his mother or stepfather is also there. So we are in a safe environment during our visits and me staying with them makes me feel like I dont know what situations he is putting them in. He is not allowed to take them in a car anywhere. It will take along time fof him to gain my trust back.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Addiction creates an anti-social enviorment. One that especially affects children. Children
internalize and suffer in silence. They hear and see everything and they carry their childhood
experiences into adulthood. The trauma of living in the home of an addict can seriuosly impact the development of a child.
Would you consider leaving your child with a neighbor who is an addict? Would you trust that person to take proper care of your child? if you answer no, then you know what is the right thing to do.
Today, according to the US Department of Health & Human Services, parental drug addiction is considered a form of child abuse. When a parent has a drug addiction they are no longer
deemed a responsible caretaker. Child Protective Services can and will remove a child who resides with an addicted parent.
Is this relationship with him really worth the risk? Only you know the answer.
In the meantime, keep reading, keep posting, it will help.
internalize and suffer in silence. They hear and see everything and they carry their childhood
experiences into adulthood. The trauma of living in the home of an addict can seriuosly impact the development of a child.
Would you consider leaving your child with a neighbor who is an addict? Would you trust that person to take proper care of your child? if you answer no, then you know what is the right thing to do.
Today, according to the US Department of Health & Human Services, parental drug addiction is considered a form of child abuse. When a parent has a drug addiction they are no longer
deemed a responsible caretaker. Child Protective Services can and will remove a child who resides with an addicted parent.
Is this relationship with him really worth the risk? Only you know the answer.
In the meantime, keep reading, keep posting, it will help.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
