alyssa27

Hi, my name is Alyssa, and I literally just joined this forum. I've used forums before years ago and they helped, so I figured I would give it another shot, and it looks like this forum is active. I figure no harm in trying. I was looking for help on the internet and it led me here. I know everyone has a story. I will keep this simple. I am not recovering from drug or alcohol addiction, but someone I really care about is recovering from heroin. He is in an intensive group therapy right now. They meet 3 times a week. I have kept my distance from him so that I don't end up getting hurt. I was completely devastated when I found out about his addiction. Anyways, I talked to him today on the phone for the first time in at least 3 weeks. We usually just text here and there. But he sounded different and odd. I can't quite put my finger on it either and his voice even sounded different. It just wasn't his normal self.

My question is what happens after you recover from heroin? I mean naturally you are going to be a little different but I was just wondering what I am going to be getting into. Any comments or helpful hints would be great. If you need more info on the situation I can give it, I just wanted to keep it simple for my first post. Thanks.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, glad you found us. What do you mean by "What am I going to be getting into?" What is your relationship with him? How long have you known him? How long has he been using heroin? Did you know him before he started using? Have you only known him since he's been an addict?

He may sound different to you because this was the first time you've spoken to him when he wasn't high. He might not be anything like the person you thought you knew. Of course, anything is possible and maybe he's still using.

alyssa27

Okay maybe I should have gone into a tad bit more detail. I've known him for 3 years. Dated him for 1 of those years from October '08 to October '09. January 1 of this year we stopped talking. In July I found out he had started heroin from his brother. It started in April and lasted to about early August. He probably shot up around 3 times a day from what I can gather. He told me personally about it in September. He has since started group therapy. I'm a compassionate, caring person. I'm the type of person that wants to help people, especially those I care about, but I have gotten myself into trouble with this because I have overdone it before. So I have to be careful about what I get myself into. I don't want to get hurt, but at the same time I don't want to sever ties with him again. I just don't really know anything about drug use or abuse and the recovery process.

Impurrfect

(((alyssa))) - welcome to SR!! I'm both an RA (recovering addict - crack) as well as a recovering codie (codependent) who spent decades wanting to "be there" for people, fix things, make their lives smoother. As a result, my relationships have all been A's (addicts/alcoholics) - one for 20+ years.

I'm not going to overwhelm you with stuff your first day here, but I will tell you this. We A's can recover, but it takes work, and it takes time to adjust back to living life..the ups and downs..and not wanting to get numb. This is a lifelong thing, and some A's will get off one thing just to turn to something else. I went through a few things before crack.

Since you mention you've been hurt and have "overdone" stuff in the past, you may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon as they are meetings for the loved one's of A's. A really good book to check out is "Codependency no more" by Melodie Beattie.

This forum has been a huge help to me in not wanting to make things all better at my own expense. I read a LOT of threads when I first got here, firstly to face what I put my family through when I was using, then more to realize I had some really big codie issues, and needed to work on that.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Kindeyes

Great book. Every codependent I know has a heart of gold. They'll do anything for anyone. They love BIG. They give all of themselves to others. But eventually.....they feel resentment because they aren't appreciated. They feel used and angry.

I have had to learn new behaviors. I can still give. But not give all of myself. I now understand that I have a right to say "no". I understand that if I do something for someone, I'd better have NO expectations of appreciation or my motives were out of line. I am learning to temper myself. I'm learning to give to myself first. I am learning a healthier way to "be".

Welcome to SR.....this is a great forum. Full of a variety of people who share one thing in common.....they love or have loved someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

gentle hugs
ke

Animal454

Sounds like he is luck to have a caring friend such as yourself.

alyssa27

Wow thanks, everyone. This was a lot of good advice. I've honestly never heard of this codependency you all were talking about. But from the little bits and pieces that were said, it kind of sounds a little like me. I will have to look a little more into it I think.

mooselips

Glad you found us Alyssa.......hugs to you..

alyssa27

I just talked to him last night, and he made it pretty clear that yes, he is going through a lot. This week is his last week of Intensive Out Patient Therapy and he might start the NA 12 step program afterward. But he also made it clear that he wants me to be there for him along the way and wants me to be involved in the process. He said he was so thankful for my support so far and that my support has been a vital part of his recovery. My fear, which is quickly being solidified, is that he is going to fall in love with me again and want more than a friendship, even though I have made it clear to him countless times that we are just friends and that he needs to focus on himself and not romance right now. I'm just afraid I'm going to get backed into a corner with him and won't know how to get out. I just don't quite know what to do.

useyourwords

Hi Alyssa! I am new here to, but have been the sibiling of a heroin addict for 10 (nearly 11) years. I can imagine that it is overwhelming to feel like he is putting all this emphasis on you as part of his recovery. Though it is so important that he has support in his recovery, much of the "work" he is going to have to do is work on himself and it could be problematic for him to complicate that with an intense relationship with you -- which it sounds like you know. I agree with the advice above that you can be supportive, but may want to keep your distance. Setting clear boundaries about what your relationship is and isn't going to be now (early) might be helpful. If he is unwilling to respect those, it might be helpful to have consequences and stick to them. I know that might sound crazy (like dealing with a child!) but to make sure you are not taken advantage of, manipulated, or "cornered" it might be the easiest approach. If he truly respects you and wants your support in his recovery, then he will honor the boundaries you set for your relationship. Best wishes. Glad we both found this place!

hope213

welcome!! glad u r here. read all the sticky at the beginning of the forum. read everything u can so u will know exactly what an addict is & you can help yourself. focus on you. it is good u r his friend but keep alert on what is going on with him. an addict can not be trusted. i am glad he is in recovery but he is not recovered. it takes alot of work & a long time. keep coming back & let us know how r u. prayers,

alyssa27

Thank you. This is why I am posting here, because I need help like this.