Broke up with boyfriend today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Broke up with boyfriend today
First, I want to say hello and thank you. I found this forum when I was looking for help in dealing with my alcoholic boyfriend, and you've already helped me so much.
A little history: He is the child of an alcoholic father and drinking (and denial) is a big issue in his family. We started dating a year and half ago and I felt like the luckiest girl alive — he's handsome, smart, bright, social, loving, sweet. Within a few months, I started to understand see he had a bit of a problem, and only in the last few months have I realized how serious of a problem it is (because he was fairly good at hiding it — beer bottles in the closet, "only I only had two" and that sort of thing). He drinks every day. He can't just have one and stop. He can get very loud, embarrassing, annoying, rude and even cruel (insulting me so that I'd leave and let him alone to drink). The next day he either pretends nothing happens or says he's sorry ... rinse and repeat. I always forgave him, and yet I could never shake the anxiety, worry and nervousness. I never quite knew who was going to answer the door or phone -- the prince, or the beast.
A while back, I had it. I told him I couldn't continue seeing him. He told me he was ready to stop drinking and attended some AA meetings. During that period, he was excited about meetings, we grew closer, he opened up -- things were great. Only it didn't last long enough. He stopped going to meetings. He wouldn't talk about it. He wasn't drinking around me, but there were signs he was sneaking and lying.
This last week was awful. He was very stressed with work (the job that he always complains about but stays; he is too busy whining and drinking to to something proactive like send out resumes) I knew he drank Tuesday and Wednesday before I saw him (by the smell and a bottle in the trash) and he seemed very agitated. Probably because he knew I knew he had been drinking (I never did say anything about it). Both nights he was impossible to deal with -- very touchy, moody, defensive, picking ridiculous arguments. I ended up leaving in tears both days. Wednesday he apologized. Yesterday, I didn't hear from him all day, until later in the day when he sent small talk.
Today I did it. I told him I no longer wanted to see him again. I called him because I couldn't wait any longer and did it over the phone -- I did mention his drinking as the main factor (he denied that was an issue). He hung up on me. He since texted that he's sorry he said hurtful things. He also texted that he wanted us to go away this weekend. And how I wanted to go -- how wonderful it would be if we could relax and regroup! But how unrelastic. I wrote back that I didn't think that was a good idea.
Anyway, would love any words of wisdom and strength you can send.
Thanks!
A little history: He is the child of an alcoholic father and drinking (and denial) is a big issue in his family. We started dating a year and half ago and I felt like the luckiest girl alive — he's handsome, smart, bright, social, loving, sweet. Within a few months, I started to understand see he had a bit of a problem, and only in the last few months have I realized how serious of a problem it is (because he was fairly good at hiding it — beer bottles in the closet, "only I only had two" and that sort of thing). He drinks every day. He can't just have one and stop. He can get very loud, embarrassing, annoying, rude and even cruel (insulting me so that I'd leave and let him alone to drink). The next day he either pretends nothing happens or says he's sorry ... rinse and repeat. I always forgave him, and yet I could never shake the anxiety, worry and nervousness. I never quite knew who was going to answer the door or phone -- the prince, or the beast.
A while back, I had it. I told him I couldn't continue seeing him. He told me he was ready to stop drinking and attended some AA meetings. During that period, he was excited about meetings, we grew closer, he opened up -- things were great. Only it didn't last long enough. He stopped going to meetings. He wouldn't talk about it. He wasn't drinking around me, but there were signs he was sneaking and lying.
This last week was awful. He was very stressed with work (the job that he always complains about but stays; he is too busy whining and drinking to to something proactive like send out resumes) I knew he drank Tuesday and Wednesday before I saw him (by the smell and a bottle in the trash) and he seemed very agitated. Probably because he knew I knew he had been drinking (I never did say anything about it). Both nights he was impossible to deal with -- very touchy, moody, defensive, picking ridiculous arguments. I ended up leaving in tears both days. Wednesday he apologized. Yesterday, I didn't hear from him all day, until later in the day when he sent small talk.
Today I did it. I told him I no longer wanted to see him again. I called him because I couldn't wait any longer and did it over the phone -- I did mention his drinking as the main factor (he denied that was an issue). He hung up on me. He since texted that he's sorry he said hurtful things. He also texted that he wanted us to go away this weekend. And how I wanted to go -- how wonderful it would be if we could relax and regroup! But how unrelastic. I wrote back that I didn't think that was a good idea.
Anyway, would love any words of wisdom and strength you can send.
Thanks!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here and took the time to introduce yourself. However, I am sorry about the reasons that brought you here.
It has been my personal experience that the alcoholic will now do and say anything to get their status quo back. Anything and everything to get their life back to what appears to be 'normal'. They don't want their boat rocked, the apple cart upturned, or their life to change.
You just took control of your life. Congrats! It has nothing to do with him, this is about you and what is best for your life. Your one precious life!
I followed advise I received here and went NC (No Contact) with the alcoholic. It was the best thing I could have done for myself! I am glad I chose NC.
Loving an active alcoholic clouded my thinking. I was accustomed to blame-shifting, denial, lies, half truths and manipulation. I needed to silence that voice of chaos to listen to my inner voice. I silenced that voice of chaos by going No Contact. Only then, was I able to focus on my needs and begin rebuilding my life.
Stick around. Make yourself at home!
I'm glad you are here and took the time to introduce yourself. However, I am sorry about the reasons that brought you here.
It has been my personal experience that the alcoholic will now do and say anything to get their status quo back. Anything and everything to get their life back to what appears to be 'normal'. They don't want their boat rocked, the apple cart upturned, or their life to change.
You just took control of your life. Congrats! It has nothing to do with him, this is about you and what is best for your life. Your one precious life!
I followed advise I received here and went NC (No Contact) with the alcoholic. It was the best thing I could have done for myself! I am glad I chose NC.
Loving an active alcoholic clouded my thinking. I was accustomed to blame-shifting, denial, lies, half truths and manipulation. I needed to silence that voice of chaos to listen to my inner voice. I silenced that voice of chaos by going No Contact. Only then, was I able to focus on my needs and begin rebuilding my life.
Stick around. Make yourself at home!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
You have acknowledged the red flags that were waving right in front of your face. Being aware of these flags and doing something about them is so encouraging, for you, your
well-being.
His disease has no cure, and unless a strong recovery program is sought and followed, it
will get worse. This is a progressive disease that has tenacles that affect everyone they
come in contact with. Alcoholics/Addicts take prisoners, they do not have relationships.
We are here for you, read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of great information at your fingertips.
Keep posting, it will help.
You have acknowledged the red flags that were waving right in front of your face. Being aware of these flags and doing something about them is so encouraging, for you, your
well-being.
His disease has no cure, and unless a strong recovery program is sought and followed, it
will get worse. This is a progressive disease that has tenacles that affect everyone they
come in contact with. Alcoholics/Addicts take prisoners, they do not have relationships.
We are here for you, read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, lots of great information at your fingertips.
Keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Jessie, so glad you are here, I hope the support you find here will keep you going when you most need it.
You know deep down that you made the right decision, he may change down the road but of course that has to be his decision.
Please take care of yourself both physically and mentally, come back often and let us know how you are doing.
Best of luck,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
welcome to the club, jessie! (can i call it that?)
i am so very sorry you are hurting right now. my xabf broke up with me a week and a half after he decided to try controlled drinking (after four months of sobriety and nightly aa meetings). he was just as you described your bf, moody and defensive, and he picked a fight almost every night until he ended the relationship. i applaud you for taking the initiative and standing up for yourself.
going no contact has been the hardest thing for me, and i'll be honest in saying i've done a horrible job of it. i KNOW it's the best thing for me, though, because i ALWAYS feel worse after talking with him (seriously, EVERY single time...it's not worth it). however, i am giving it a sincere effort now. he's said enough horrible things to me over the past month that i'm starting to come out of the fog and realize i deserve better. i hope you have better luck if you choose to go no contact!
please know that you are NOT alone. there are many similarities in our stories, and i wish you all the best on your journey. weekends have been brutal for me, but it has helped me to surround myself with lots of friends and family, to read the threads on this board, and to stay very active.
please keep posting and keep your head held high! you deserve so much more, my dear!!!
:ghug3
i am so very sorry you are hurting right now. my xabf broke up with me a week and a half after he decided to try controlled drinking (after four months of sobriety and nightly aa meetings). he was just as you described your bf, moody and defensive, and he picked a fight almost every night until he ended the relationship. i applaud you for taking the initiative and standing up for yourself.
going no contact has been the hardest thing for me, and i'll be honest in saying i've done a horrible job of it. i KNOW it's the best thing for me, though, because i ALWAYS feel worse after talking with him (seriously, EVERY single time...it's not worth it). however, i am giving it a sincere effort now. he's said enough horrible things to me over the past month that i'm starting to come out of the fog and realize i deserve better. i hope you have better luck if you choose to go no contact!
please know that you are NOT alone. there are many similarities in our stories, and i wish you all the best on your journey. weekends have been brutal for me, but it has helped me to surround myself with lots of friends and family, to read the threads on this board, and to stay very active.
please keep posting and keep your head held high! you deserve so much more, my dear!!!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 25
Jessie,
Stay strong, I just broke up with my axbf about 2 weeks ago and made the mistake of seeing him. I'm reading Codependent No More at the suggestion of people here and it is helping me so much, I would definitely recommend it. Try as hard as you can not to contact him or answer his texts/calls, believe me I know it is hard but I felt a million times worse after I talked to him.
I've kind of realized a lot of the stories sound the same, "he was a great guy except when he drinks," and have come to realize we all deserve relationships with people who treat us right all the time.
Take care and stay strong!!!
Stay strong, I just broke up with my axbf about 2 weeks ago and made the mistake of seeing him. I'm reading Codependent No More at the suggestion of people here and it is helping me so much, I would definitely recommend it. Try as hard as you can not to contact him or answer his texts/calls, believe me I know it is hard but I felt a million times worse after I talked to him.
I've kind of realized a lot of the stories sound the same, "he was a great guy except when he drinks," and have come to realize we all deserve relationships with people who treat us right all the time.
Take care and stay strong!!!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Thanks so much for the support. It means so much.
Since I posted earlier, he texted many apologies/promises, called me to talk, begged me not to leave, etc. He says he wants to work things out, that he's going to a meeting tomorrow, that he wants to make things right, etc. etc. etc. I told him those are just words, that it's the actions that matter.
I confess I don't know exactly where I am right now -- I'm feeling very torn. My head is saying to be strong. My heart wants so badly to believe.
I told him that I didn't want to talk anymore today. I really needed to sleep on things and asked him talk to me after he goes to his meeting tomorrow (which I pray he does -- ultimately more for him than for me). Meanwhile, I had a great evening with some wonderful girlfriends. I'm going to continue to pray for clarity.
Will keep you posted. Many thanks!
Since I posted earlier, he texted many apologies/promises, called me to talk, begged me not to leave, etc. He says he wants to work things out, that he's going to a meeting tomorrow, that he wants to make things right, etc. etc. etc. I told him those are just words, that it's the actions that matter.
I confess I don't know exactly where I am right now -- I'm feeling very torn. My head is saying to be strong. My heart wants so badly to believe.
I told him that I didn't want to talk anymore today. I really needed to sleep on things and asked him talk to me after he goes to his meeting tomorrow (which I pray he does -- ultimately more for him than for me). Meanwhile, I had a great evening with some wonderful girlfriends. I'm going to continue to pray for clarity.
Will keep you posted. Many thanks!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Wow ! You decided you are worth more than playing second fiddle ( to his drinking) and all the inconsistently consistent behaviors that go along with it. You took responsibility for your decision and removed yourself from the situaton. It does not get any better than this. This is so much more healthy than pegging your time and emotions to a relationship of hopeful fantasy.
While I don't agree with Laura Schlessinger's politics, this author knows her stuff when it comes to relationships. Consider picking up a copy of 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up their Lives. You can find a used copy at Amazon. It will be solid reinforcement for your recent decision cause he is likely to promice you the moon while he continues to protect his first love, the bottle.
While I don't agree with Laura Schlessinger's politics, this author knows her stuff when it comes to relationships. Consider picking up a copy of 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up their Lives. You can find a used copy at Amazon. It will be solid reinforcement for your recent decision cause he is likely to promice you the moon while he continues to protect his first love, the bottle.
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