Stlsunny12

My AH just came home after having a few beers and trying to hide his drinking. He has promised me that he would stop and that he would get help.
I chose not to speak to him when he drinks and have asked him to stop talking to me. He will not leave me alone!! I left the room and he keeps following me around the house. I have emptied out all the beer bottles in the house and he still finds a way to sneak beer and hide it outside.
Today has been a **** day. We went to church and then he got pissed because I took a call while we were in the car. It's been downhill ever since.
I don't trust his actions. He makes everything into an issue and he is always the victim, no matter who's fault it is.
I have been reading Codependent No More and other books related to codependency and started attending Alanon meetings. I need someone to tell me what boundaries I can instill and how to enforce them when he fails to respect me and my wishes.

suki44883

Nothing infuriates me more than someone following me from room to room when I am trying to distance myself. If he won't leave you alone, you might consider leaving the house and staying with a friend or relative, if possible.

So far as boundaries go, you have to decide if you are willing to hold to them. Boundaries are rules for YOU, not rules for HIM. Boundaries start with "I will/I will not." They don't require the alcoholic to do anything other than what they'd normally do; they require YOU to perform a certain action if your boundary is crossed.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know how crappy it is. Is there somewhere you can go for the night?

Stlsunny12

I dont want to burden anyone else with my issues. All my friends think that I'm drama queen or do not relate. My parents don't think walking away is right. I'm trying to be he adult and bite my tongue. He won't stop coming in.

Hanna

That is what I was just experiencing. It's awful - you're trying to avoid conflict and they are adamant about causing it. It's also really uncomfortable.

When you say you don't trust his actions, what do you really mean? Are you afraid of him physically?

Stlsunny12

No I don't trust him going anywhere and not drink.

Hanna

Well, that's because you shouldn't trust him. He's unlikely to live up to that. How long have you been living like this?

Stlsunny12

8 years but only married 3 months.

Hanna

I'm so sorry. It stinks to be dealing with this as a newlywed. Do you have children in the house? What hope do you have of this situation improving? How often does it happen?
You are not a drama queen and do you parents really know the full story?

Stlsunny12

No children. He drinks when he has the urge or wants to get a rise out of me.
I just need to learn how to detach. He leaves tomorrow for a few days for work.
He told me that if I quit drinking he would too. I don't think that's fair because I do not have a problem and only drink maybe once a month just a few glasses of wine.
Should I quit drinking to support him?

m1k3

StlSunny, one thing to remember. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His drinking is his problem and he will stop drinking only when he's ready. What you can do is take care of you. Going to al-anon and posting here is a good start.

Dumping bottles and getting upset isn't going to help. Your drinking or not drinking isn't going to matter, he will only get better when HE is ready to get better.

So the big question becomes what are you going to do about it? As Suki said boundaries are for you, they are clear cut rules for yourself on what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not and what you are going to do if they are violated. They don't have anything to do with your A.

You can't change him but you can change you so the ball is in your court. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Your friend,

outtolunch

Did he just start sneak drinking in the past 3 months ?

We codependents often are in as much denial as alcoholics/addicts. We fool ourselves, one day at a time, with a " it's not so bad" inner dialog. We ignore the red flags. We sustain the fantasy of a hopeful relationship. That's what codependents do.

If you decide that you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks to this extent, you take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

You cannot love or "or else" him into sobriety. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Hanna

His demanding that you stop too is just an excuse. He's very unlikely to stop, no matter what you do.

Maybe it's just a reflection of my own experience, but my recommendation is to make plans to get out of there.