WhiteKnuckles

Hello all and happy Sunday, hope everyone is enjoying a good day today. Three weeks ago my husband had a bad accident and broke his leg. I don't mean a run of the mill break, but a double compound fracture that has required three surgeries to fix so far. Because of this I have not been drunk in three weeks (and for years I have been getting plastered almost every single night, about 8 to 12 beers). I have had a few drinks here and there but haven't felt good about it, so as of right now I haven't had a drink since Thursday and have no desire to drink tonight. Mostly I am scared...what if he falls in the night and I'm too passed out drunk to hear and help him? How could I ever keep up with all the work that needs to be done if I was still getting obliterated every night? I wouldn't, that's how, and my husband and my dogs would suffer for it.

I've been kind of sad because of everything my husband is going through, and also I think I've mentioned I have an old dog who went blind recently, and since I haven't been getting trashed every night I notice more how she is really struggling, not only is she blind but she is having a terrible time just getting up and moving around and it breaks my heart. She is putting on a brave face for me and her tail is still wagging but I know her time on this earth and my time with her is coming to an end and I'm not ready for it, I don't know if I ever will be.

I'd like to go to AA, because I'm lonely and struggling, but until my hubby gets back up and around I don't have time. I am still having to work full time and I have to take care of him and the dogs and do all the housework by myself, because we live far away from family and there isn't really anyone else who can come and take care of him. I feel being out of the house for 8 hours a day for work is pushing it and I need all the extra time I can get to keep up with everything at home.

I am angry because I am realizing that I don't have the friends I thought I had. Ever since my husband got hurt, they don't call or text or anything, no one has offered to come by and help us out which is funny because we have always been there for them. My husband does HVAC work and has been out to their houses in the heat of summer and the dead of winter to fix their furnaces and air conditioners for free, and now that he is hurt none of them can be bothered to call or text message him or anything. I've been really angry about this honestly and I am wondering how I will start over making new friends at age 37. I feel like even though I'm a drunk, I have been a really good friend to these people and I am starting to realize that a person does not need to be an addict to be a complete self-absorbed jerk. Maybe not a very positive, productive feeling for me to have but it's there and it is what it is.

Anyway I am sorry to ramble ya'll, these are just some things that have been going on recently that I felt like sharing, please feel free to offer any thoughts, experiences and/or advice. Thank you.

Dee74

Hi whiteknuckles

I'm sorry to hear about your husband - I hope he'll be on his feet again soon

As for making time for recovery...I think it's vital...it doesn't have to be an AA meeting, but I think we need to put in some time and effort of some kind - I really believe we get out of our recovery what we put into it, y'know?

and friends...a lot of my friends have drifted away over the last five years - but I'm grateful for the ones who stayed

I don't think we lose the ability to make friends tho, so I wouldn't worry about that

I'm sorry you're a bit down scared and angry - it's understandable...but I hope you'll find that things look better tomorrow.

D

sugarbear1

Welcome! You're only 37, young & able to make new friends! Try thinking about what you are grateful for-

-able to be there for your hubby & dog, etc.

Be positive! You can stay stopped!

Afterthought-you're worried about being able to help hubby in the middle of the night, good thing there. Do you have children? Scary thought.

Try aa online chatroom

WhiteKnuckles

Oh Sugarbear, Dee, thank you, I know. Every morning I make a list (in my head) of all I am grateful for, I've been doing that for years now. I know I need to make time for myself and recovery because my track record has shown that doing what I'm doing doesn't work for me. I must say though all of the extra work has been a blessing because it gives me less time to sit around and wallow in my misery. I would certainly be interested in AA chat and might just try to fire up the old computer tonight and see what I can find down that avenue after I put my hubby to sleep.

About "friends"...for years now I have been telling myself I deserve the crappy things people do to me because I am nothing more than a drunk and less than human. But I have started to realize I have been a better friend to some of these people drunk than they have been to me sober, and I know just about all of their suffering while they know very little of mine, honestly I do not think they even know I am an alcoholic. A few of them I have talked down from the ledge many times and have always been there for time, money, rides, whatever they needed, and the one time we actually have a legitimate need and they do not answer phone calls, or texts, even though I have never ignored any of theirs no matter what I was going through at the time. It feels good to be angry honestly, it feels good just to get it out there because I have been carrying it around for a while now. I am not saying I won't ever forgive, but it will be a while, and probably not before a few months have gone by, and it's really, really cold out, and their heater doesn't work...is that evil of me? lol

sugarbear1

Put pen to paper, it's cathartic!

Listen to Paul O on xa-speakers. He's a doctor & in AA. His cancun? one is funny!

sissy07

WhiteKnuckles,

I am so sorry that you are going through what you are. Hopefully your husband will heal soon.

I can relate about the sadness you feel about your dog. I recently lost my dog (who was the love of my life) through old age - blindness, listlessness "old dog syndrome". Be glad that you are sober to be aware and helpful to him. Although I did everything I could for him, I should have done more, but I was drunk most of the time, and well, you know how that goes. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that. (That was the last straw - I quit drinking after that) And I am divorced, kids are grown, and I am starting over in a new town, so be grateful for what you have, as I know you are.

You are so young - at least relative to me! You don't deserve jerk friends....you sound like a very nice person, and you deserve better treatment from others. It would probably be difficult right now to make new friends, but once things calm down you can meet people that will be true friends to you. I bet when you have had some sober time your self-esteem will improve dramatically, and you will begin to have more interests that will foster friendships with those that are kinder and less self-absorbed. I have allowed "friends" to mistreat me, and it wasn't until I got sober and began to feel better about myself that I took a step back from them. There are a lot of good, caring people out there - and you sound like one. When you can, going to AA would be a great way to meet nice people that you have a lot (as in sobriety) in common. The saying "You teach people how to treat you" hasn't always worked for me, but it is worth thinking about. Keep posting. There are kind, genuine people that care about you.