sTiLlhErE1986

I've been to this site many times before, normally coming back every so often when I was feeling down, but honestly never following through with what advice i received here like I should of. I'm just going to make a long story short, my RABF asked for his space and time and I tried to give him that, but did not succeed. I managed to completely push him away and TOTALLY lose myself in the process. We are currently not speaking and although that is very hard for me the thing that is becoming harder for me is figuring out where to begin on getting myself back?

For so long I was worried about someone else, I think I have forgotten how to worry about and mentally take care of myself. I want to get myself back and start having fun and enjoying myself again but it's overwhelming because I don't know where to begin.....HELP!!

I did not listen to all of your words of wisdom before and that is 1 of the biggest mistakes I have made...who knows where my life would be at now if I did??? I'm lost and this is the only place I knew I could come where people would understand.....ANY advice is more than welome.

Thanks in advance!!!

Farfalla

I understand. I should have listened and acted the first 1000 times. I am so disappointed in myself.

dollydo

It is not so much the circumstance we are involved in, it's how we handle it. We all make mistakes, the key is to forgive yourself and move forward.

We cannot change the past, the only thing we can do is learn, grow and take back our power.

Begin by feeding positive thoughts to your subconcious mind, every night right before going to sleep, feed your suconcious mind a positive growth thought. Your subconcious mind is the controller of your concious mind, your concious mind only believes what it is fed by the subconcious mind.

Join a club, go to the gym, reconnect with your friends, spend time with your family, think outside of the box and....keep posting, we are here for you.

tjp613

(((Stillhere)))) I understand! I'm 53 now, but when I was 40-ish I was recovering from the most confusing, abusive and hurtful relationship of my life. It took a LONG time for me to get my head on straight again and to heal from all of the pain I had experienced over the previous 4 years. What worked for me was to load up on inspirational reading, I got back to my church, volunteered there, made lots more time for friends and family, I meditated, and journaled a LOT. And now, when I look back on that time, I see it as the time in my life when I experienced tremendous spiritual and personal growth, especially around the subjects of forgiveness, tolerance, and patience.

I hope this helps in some small way. In the end "the only way to get to it is to go through it" and you will get through it. Look for the lesson and don't waste this precious time of your life.

sTiLlhErE1986

Thank you all for your insights! I too am very disappointed in myself, I acted so "crazy" by calling so much and my RABF wasn't the crazy one in this situation, what's a shocker . But I still feel completely broken, exhausted and used that I don't know how I will be able to piclk up the pieces?

I had in my mind that since I put up with him through his using time that he would definetly still want me when he's clean!! But I underestimated how much I have changed from months and months of dealing with his crap, he doesn't seem to want to be with this person I've become and I don't want to be either. I gotta get myself back I used to be strong, independent, and fun but now I'm just a broken person....I want ME back, I'm not worried ab him at the moment (for a change)

Ann

I was much older than you when I looked in the mirror and saw that stranger called "me". I had no idea who she was or what she dreamed. Until that day I had only seen my mother's daughter, my husband's wife, my son's mother, my employer's employee reflected there.

I went to meetings. Contrary to the names, the 12 step meetings are about putting our lives back together, and not about "them" at all. Meetings helped me regain my balance and they helped me look at myself for the first time in my life and get to know that stranger called "me". I learned to like her...I learned to love her, warts and all, and today I know exactly who I am, what my values and boundaries are, and I know where I am going. If I die tomorrow, I die happy because I have embraced life and squeezed as much joy from each day as I could.

If you are looking to find who you are, don't look around to see how you are perceived, look inside and find that spark of hope and dreams you thought you lost along the way. Embrace each day and live it well and know that the path ahead will bring you sunshine... and rain, but the difference is that today you carry an umbrella and know there shall be a rainbow.

Hugs

hello-kitty

Beating yourself up over your past choices only holds you back from your meeting your potential. Can you let go now? Or do you need counseling or something to help you move on with your life and not repeat the mistakes of the past?

Christen

Dear Friend- I'm married to an addict. So I understand how you can get so wrapped up in your addict- that you have no clue how to help yourself. Honestly, from my experience- after the first few relapses I had a melt down. I tried many things (counselors, anti-depressants, Nar Anon, tons of self help books, yoga). Nar-anon helped sometimes. Honestly, I came to my rock bottom- AND I WENT TO CHURCH. I don't know if you believe in God or not. But the ONLY good thing that has come from my husband's addiction- is how much it has improved my relationship with God. Stop being so hard on yourself. Make you your priority.

tjp613

What small step can you take TODAY that will promote your healing? It doesn't have to be huge -- a walk in the park, attend a yoga class, something like that. Take that one step today. Then do it again tomorrow....when tomorrow comes.

Ask yourself every morning -- what step can I take today?

I love this quote but I don't know who said it:

EVERYTHING WILL BE OK IN THE END. IF IT'S NOT OK, THEN IT'S NOT THE END.

sTiLlhErE1986

Thank you all for the great advice. I have really tried the past few days to focus on myself and what I need. I got a book full of inspirational quotes and meditations but I keep finding my brain wandering and thinking...about my ex-bf, the what ifs, etc, so I've taken a break from trying to focus and read.

Yesterday I spent most of my evening compiling a lot of the things I have read on here and putting them into a binder. That helped give me something to occupy my brain and pass sometime.

I find myself doing so well at times, and then thoughts just creep into my head that I should call him, wander what he's doing, and I almost convince myself that a little call or text just to say hi would be ok...but I know it isn't. I never thought something would be this hard?

I should be mad at him? I can't believe I've become someone who is okay with being disrespected, but yet I miss him like crazy?? Why can't my heart just listen to my brain, it would be sooo much easier that way?!

dollydo

I like the binder idea, it consolidates all the best of SR, it is your own mobile support group, it can be referred to at any time, at any place! Great idea!

Give the "missing him" thing some time, eventually this too will pass.

My gut tells me that you will be ok!

sTiLlhErE1986

KC it really does help to know that other people have/are going through what I am going through now. None of my friends know truly the extend of my sadness, they can't understand. So I'm glad there are places like this where I can find others who do. I started on that list you suggested and you're right a lot of the things I missed were traits of "who I thought he was or wanted him to be" not who he really was throughtout our reationship!

Dolly you truly touched me when I read what you said. Nobody has told me they have faith in me or think I will be ok in a long time! All I've heard were people expressing their worry for me! But you saying that you think I will eventually be ok made me tear up!! You are someone I love reading posts by on here, and someone I greatly admire for your strength and you always have the words that help me! Thank you