Emotions are like passing clouds.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Emotions are like passing clouds.....
...or thunderheads, but they are always constantly moving.
Ugh, I really don't want to write this post, but I feel that I need to. I have gone through most emotions over the past 24 hours.
As strong as I am, and as well as I am doing, when I get triggered, it brings it all back. All of the anger and the hurt. So much so that I wanted so much to send XA an email telling him what a liar and abuser I know him to be, like drilling it in to him to make him hurt as much as he made me hurt. That never accomplishes anything.
I am so infuriated that he had the nerve to say to me "You don't treat me like a friend". You have got to be kidding me!! He said that while sober too....that was one thing with him, I found him to be generally much nicer when drunk and a complete jerk when sober...at least to me.
To hear from him that I didn't treat him like a friend burns me to my core. I did everything to treat him like a friend and he NEVER invited me to hang out in his life. But he had NO problem hanging around others...a lot.
That was always one thing, out of a hundred, that hurt me so much. Like I wasn't good enough to be around him, and he didn't want to be around me.
But he wanted to spend hours on the phone with me as he drank his wine or beer and started to slur, and text me constantly when he was out with people telling what he was doing, drinking, drugging and the fun he was having. WTF?
And now it burns me up that he is off getting his masters degree in Wales. How is he even able to do this??! Someone who acted like he was so anti social and not able to be around a lot of people. Before we stopped talking I saw the friends he was making over there, GORGEOUS girls, and guys and I can't even lie, I HATE IT. I hate it because he treated me like I was good enough to talk to EVERYTHING in his life about but not good enough to be around....... but it seems everyone else in the world is. It makes me sick.
Before he left he would tell me how since he was going to be back in school he certainly wasn't going to be drinking as much or doing as much pot. I almost feel like being overseas magically "cured" him! Jeez, he would tell me if he didn't go he would end up killing himself here. He would tell me that when we had discussions about how sad I would be to lose touch (pure guilt manipulation) ...... and how he would miss me too. Riiiiiiiggggghhhht.
I was so angry last night I couldn't see straight, then I cried thinking I lost something. All of that abuse that made me second guess what I know reality to be started to surface and I questioned what was my fault and what wasn't....
Maybe he wasn't so bad if his ex's still want to be a part of his life? Maybe it was my clinging overreactive actions? People love him, yet i'm the only one that has a problem with him? And I know how he treated one of his ex's and how horrible he talked about her. And her whole family still loves him. He gets away with everything it seems.
And then I start to realize that others relationships with him are not my concern, it was MY relationship with him and how he TREATED ME, not anyone else, and I know how bad he treated me, and all the BS that went along with him.
I feel better today, but it's definitely still in my mind.
Ironically we are talking about forgiveness in Psych class this week. I am not even CLOSE to being there. What we are learning is interesting and helpful, but right now, my dislike for this man is so immense.
Ok, I just needed an outlet. When I thought about how much I wanted to write him and go off I also started thinking about how I always said if there was one thing that I would change about the past it is that I would never have responded when he contacted me again. So this is now my chance to not give him attention or respond to anything. The best way to show someone you will no longer communicate with them is to no longer communicate with them.
It's amazing that even when i've felt like I was doing so well, there is still unresolved anger about him.
I don't know what kind of response I am looking for..... I think just the comfort of knowing that without any honest hard work on his part that he is not the lucky charm and magically delicious as people seem to think.
Thanks for letting me rant,
I just had to get my thoughts out.
Ugh, I really don't want to write this post, but I feel that I need to. I have gone through most emotions over the past 24 hours.
As strong as I am, and as well as I am doing, when I get triggered, it brings it all back. All of the anger and the hurt. So much so that I wanted so much to send XA an email telling him what a liar and abuser I know him to be, like drilling it in to him to make him hurt as much as he made me hurt. That never accomplishes anything.
I am so infuriated that he had the nerve to say to me "You don't treat me like a friend". You have got to be kidding me!! He said that while sober too....that was one thing with him, I found him to be generally much nicer when drunk and a complete jerk when sober...at least to me.
To hear from him that I didn't treat him like a friend burns me to my core. I did everything to treat him like a friend and he NEVER invited me to hang out in his life. But he had NO problem hanging around others...a lot.
That was always one thing, out of a hundred, that hurt me so much. Like I wasn't good enough to be around him, and he didn't want to be around me.
But he wanted to spend hours on the phone with me as he drank his wine or beer and started to slur, and text me constantly when he was out with people telling what he was doing, drinking, drugging and the fun he was having. WTF?
And now it burns me up that he is off getting his masters degree in Wales. How is he even able to do this??! Someone who acted like he was so anti social and not able to be around a lot of people. Before we stopped talking I saw the friends he was making over there, GORGEOUS girls, and guys and I can't even lie, I HATE IT. I hate it because he treated me like I was good enough to talk to EVERYTHING in his life about but not good enough to be around....... but it seems everyone else in the world is. It makes me sick.
Before he left he would tell me how since he was going to be back in school he certainly wasn't going to be drinking as much or doing as much pot. I almost feel like being overseas magically "cured" him! Jeez, he would tell me if he didn't go he would end up killing himself here. He would tell me that when we had discussions about how sad I would be to lose touch (pure guilt manipulation) ...... and how he would miss me too. Riiiiiiiggggghhhht.
I was so angry last night I couldn't see straight, then I cried thinking I lost something. All of that abuse that made me second guess what I know reality to be started to surface and I questioned what was my fault and what wasn't....
Maybe he wasn't so bad if his ex's still want to be a part of his life? Maybe it was my clinging overreactive actions? People love him, yet i'm the only one that has a problem with him? And I know how he treated one of his ex's and how horrible he talked about her. And her whole family still loves him. He gets away with everything it seems.
And then I start to realize that others relationships with him are not my concern, it was MY relationship with him and how he TREATED ME, not anyone else, and I know how bad he treated me, and all the BS that went along with him.
I feel better today, but it's definitely still in my mind.
Ironically we are talking about forgiveness in Psych class this week. I am not even CLOSE to being there. What we are learning is interesting and helpful, but right now, my dislike for this man is so immense.
Ok, I just needed an outlet. When I thought about how much I wanted to write him and go off I also started thinking about how I always said if there was one thing that I would change about the past it is that I would never have responded when he contacted me again. So this is now my chance to not give him attention or respond to anything. The best way to show someone you will no longer communicate with them is to no longer communicate with them.
It's amazing that even when i've felt like I was doing so well, there is still unresolved anger about him.
I don't know what kind of response I am looking for..... I think just the comfort of knowing that without any honest hard work on his part that he is not the lucky charm and magically delicious as people seem to think.
Thanks for letting me rant,
I just had to get my thoughts out.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Vent away! I know people who can screw up 8 ways from Sunday and they seem to always come out smelling like a rose. It sucks right now, but, in all likelihood, it'll all catch up with him one day. He's still the same person over there that he was over here.
In any case, it's okay to feel angry and sad. You have to get those emotions out, so purge them here. The main thing is to have absolutely no contact with him. That will help you heal faster if you don't know what he's doing. Hang in there. Things will get better in time.
In any case, it's okay to feel angry and sad. You have to get those emotions out, so purge them here. The main thing is to have absolutely no contact with him. That will help you heal faster if you don't know what he's doing. Hang in there. Things will get better in time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I learned so much about myself through journaling. It took several months of pouring all my emotions out on paper, but looking back through those pages was priceless. It doesn't matter at all what HE is doing now. What matters is what YOU are doing. I believe that acknowledging and feeling the emotions is the only way to garner the lessons. Everything you are feeling right now has a purpose. Growth can often be painful.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
You know you are better off, you know it deep down, down where it hurts so damn bad that you just want to cut it out with a rusty spoon!
Some people just always luck out, they backstab, cheat, lie, and it never seems to catch up with them, it burns my butt when I see it, I get so damn mad at the inequity, I tried to play it straight, do the right thing, stand up to injustice and I got kicked down the stairs.
You need to shake your fist at the sky, yell at the moon, curse him to high heaven, and then you need to go back to being the kind, decent, and loving person you are!
Forget about him and his new friends, some people are able to hide their real selves from the world, especially a world who does not have to put up with their drunken BS.
You know it's easy to find someone sexy when you never see them call you horrible names, throw a lamp or have to hold their hair while they puke all night.
You deserve better and you will find it, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually an amazing person who really apppreciates you will come along, until then come here and rant away, we'll be here.
Bill
Some people just always luck out, they backstab, cheat, lie, and it never seems to catch up with them, it burns my butt when I see it, I get so damn mad at the inequity, I tried to play it straight, do the right thing, stand up to injustice and I got kicked down the stairs.
You need to shake your fist at the sky, yell at the moon, curse him to high heaven, and then you need to go back to being the kind, decent, and loving person you are!
Forget about him and his new friends, some people are able to hide their real selves from the world, especially a world who does not have to put up with their drunken BS.
You know it's easy to find someone sexy when you never see them call you horrible names, throw a lamp or have to hold their hair while they puke all night.
You deserve better and you will find it, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually an amazing person who really apppreciates you will come along, until then come here and rant away, we'll be here.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
You guys are always awesome. Thanks 
Willy- thank you, so sweet Yes, deep down, I know you are right. It really was such a crazy dynamic between he and I. To this day I don't understand it, I used to think that he felt I was too good for him and he didn't want me to see the reality of him, so he never wanted to really invite me in. Sometimes I think I told myself that to make myself feel better, but then he invites others in, so it certainly makes me feel like it was just me.
I wanted so much to be the girl that I saw in pictures with him, touring the world, holding hands, kissing...he's capable of all of those things, but always told me I wasn't what he wanted.
And because there was such a long distance between us, and we only spent few times actually together (he was drunk both times), but I had all of these images in my head of pictures of him in relationships, that I created such a fantasy about him. He so seemed to be everything I wanted.
No, I NEVER really got a glimpse of him stumbling around his apt, throwing up, getting stoned etc etc, so it was always so hard for me to imagine THAT was the person he really is.
The closest I got, besides listening to him get drunk as we spoke on the phone, was one morning he had called me after he had done coke one night (he told me he had an addiction a LONG time ago, but got over it (yeah)) and he was upset with himself for doing it, and he told me to hold on and put the phone down, well, I heard him go to his bathroom and YACK. It sounded lovely. Even hearing it, I couldn't picture it.
What our mind can create is so misleading.
Willy- thank you, so sweet
Yes, deep down, I know you are right. It really was such a crazy dynamic between he and I. To this day I don't understand it, I used to think that he felt I was too good for him and he didn't want me to see the reality of him, so he never wanted to really invite me in. Sometimes I think I told myself that to make myself feel better, but then he invites others in, so it certainly makes me feel like it was just me. I wanted so much to be the girl that I saw in pictures with him, touring the world, holding hands, kissing...he's capable of all of those things, but always told me I wasn't what he wanted.
And because there was such a long distance between us, and we only spent few times actually together (he was drunk both times), but I had all of these images in my head of pictures of him in relationships, that I created such a fantasy about him. He so seemed to be everything I wanted.
No, I NEVER really got a glimpse of him stumbling around his apt, throwing up, getting stoned etc etc, so it was always so hard for me to imagine THAT was the person he really is.
The closest I got, besides listening to him get drunk as we spoke on the phone, was one morning he had called me after he had done coke one night (he told me he had an addiction a LONG time ago, but got over it (yeah)) and he was upset with himself for doing it, and he told me to hold on and put the phone down, well, I heard him go to his bathroom and YACK. It sounded lovely. Even hearing it, I couldn't picture it.
What our mind can create is so misleading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
personally, it always seemed to me that there was a DELIBERATE intent to "cover up" the real disputes and their causes..and efforts to prevent communication with me and his friends. After all..not only were they his drinking pals...if he told them (behind my back) that I was at fault for any conflict, then they took his sides.
He thus retained power over it, AND avoiding the reality of having been disrespectful, unkind, etc...all of which came out when he was drunk.
If you are the only one hurt by a person's drunkeness, because (a) you are not an alcoholic and (b) you were the love interest/ partner, who had something to lose through an emotional investment...
then it stands to reason that you also became the scapegoat for any issues.
Among all the issues I saw here, was an overwhelming fixation on my xabf BEING LIKED AND ADMIRED, and never at fault. Nope. I could not be the one to fill that need.
He thus retained power over it, AND avoiding the reality of having been disrespectful, unkind, etc...all of which came out when he was drunk.
If you are the only one hurt by a person's drunkeness, because (a) you are not an alcoholic and (b) you were the love interest/ partner, who had something to lose through an emotional investment...
then it stands to reason that you also became the scapegoat for any issues.
Among all the issues I saw here, was an overwhelming fixation on my xabf BEING LIKED AND ADMIRED, and never at fault. Nope. I could not be the one to fill that need.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Searchbug, thank you for that perspective. And I agree with you too.
It's all smoke and mirrors all too often. My XA treated me like a girlfriend, well affectionate talk at first that wore off, then the constant phone calls, always texting telling me what he was doing, where he was going, who he was with..... funny enough later he tried to tell me that I was always trying to keep tabs on him and had to know where he was. He VOLUNTEERED ALL info. He kills me.
I was most certainly the fill in girl who he treated like a gf who he told he didn't love and didn't want to be with. My mind was so messed up by the end.
Mine too always told me how he was so loved by all of his friends, and all of these high society girls wanted to date him, but he didn't want a girlfriend....
I saw where he lived and I can say with certainty that the kind of high society southern girls he was talking about would NEVER date someone like him... he just knew them from high school. Deep down, I knew it all sounded so fishy, and I knew he was saying it to make himself sound desirable to me, and it worked. It helped create the image that he was SOOOOO fantastic.
And like yours, if he had problems with someone it was ALWAYS their fault, I heard how he was the victim so many times I lost count. And no doubt, he tells everyone how mentally ill I am, just like he told me his ex was mentally ill.
There is no doubt in my my head that he will keep the reality of who he is well hidden from the people he meets. I guess I was fortunate enough to get to see his dark side.
It's all smoke and mirrors all too often. My XA treated me like a girlfriend, well affectionate talk at first that wore off, then the constant phone calls, always texting telling me what he was doing, where he was going, who he was with..... funny enough later he tried to tell me that I was always trying to keep tabs on him and had to know where he was. He VOLUNTEERED ALL info. He kills me.
I was most certainly the fill in girl who he treated like a gf who he told he didn't love and didn't want to be with. My mind was so messed up by the end.
Mine too always told me how he was so loved by all of his friends, and all of these high society girls wanted to date him, but he didn't want a girlfriend....
I saw where he lived and I can say with certainty that the kind of high society southern girls he was talking about would NEVER date someone like him... he just knew them from high school. Deep down, I knew it all sounded so fishy, and I knew he was saying it to make himself sound desirable to me, and it worked. It helped create the image that he was SOOOOO fantastic.
And like yours, if he had problems with someone it was ALWAYS their fault, I heard how he was the victim so many times I lost count. And no doubt, he tells everyone how mentally ill I am, just like he told me his ex was mentally ill.
There is no doubt in my my head that he will keep the reality of who he is well hidden from the people he meets. I guess I was fortunate enough to get to see his dark side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Just getting this out is good therapy, I feel a little lighter with this release of certain topics.
I just talked to my best friend, one of those kinds of friends that supports you through everything, i'm very lucky to have her....
I told her that I made a comparison to everyone thinking he was Lucky Charms and magically delicious, and she so brilliantly turned that around and said, you said Lucky Charms, lucky charms is just sugar coating on a plain tasteless puff, it gives no nutrition, you can't gain energy from eating it, and too much of it will make you sick.
She really is brilliant
I just talked to my best friend, one of those kinds of friends that supports you through everything, i'm very lucky to have her....
I told her that I made a comparison to everyone thinking he was Lucky Charms and magically delicious, and she so brilliantly turned that around and said, you said Lucky Charms, lucky charms is just sugar coating on a plain tasteless puff, it gives no nutrition, you can't gain energy from eating it, and too much of it will make you sick.
She really is brilliant
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Emotions are like passing clouds.....
...or thunderheads, but they are always constantly moving.
Ugh, I really don't want to write this post, but I feel that I need to. I have gone through most emotions over the past 24 hours.
As strong as I am, and as well as I am doing, when I get triggered, it brings it all back. All of the anger and the hurt. So much so that I wanted so much to send XA an email telling him what a liar and abuser I know him to be, like drilling it in to him to make him hurt as much as he made me hurt. That never accomplishes anything.
...or thunderheads, but they are always constantly moving.
Ugh, I really don't want to write this post, but I feel that I need to. I have gone through most emotions over the past 24 hours.
As strong as I am, and as well as I am doing, when I get triggered, it brings it all back. All of the anger and the hurt. So much so that I wanted so much to send XA an email telling him what a liar and abuser I know him to be, like drilling it in to him to make him hurt as much as he made me hurt. That never accomplishes anything.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Lillamy,
I think it is so easy for us to get angry all over again, we've experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment and this up and down is natural.
I didn't even want to post because part of me is a little disappointed that these things are even coming up for me, he is GONE, he is blocked, he can't call me, he's no longer in my life, and here I am..... STILL thinking and being angry about his actions...
but it's natural, and it's ok, and I know that a lot of people here go through the same kinds of ups and downs and it's good to write it out, even if you think you're being redundant.... I feel a little bit better myself. Back in reality just about, seeing him again for what he is, and knowing that much of what he does is a manipulation, and he can't manipulate a reaction out of me anymore, and THAT is my gift to myself.
The thing I know about him is that he has used things like facebook to hurt me in the past (he's 35, you would think only 15 year olds do that), for the entire year he went back to his ex, I would get blocked calls, he would reach out a couple of times trying to apologize (not often) and then when I didn't accept he used facebook as a weapon to post things he knew would hurt me, he knew at the time I would look. Covert passive aggression that was so obvious. This I know to be the truth about him. He can post whatever he wants now, I will never unblock him.
He would tell me that he kept his ex on his page because he wanted her to see how good his life was, this is what he does, so the things he puts up, he uses to get reactions out of people who have cared about him, so he can feel power, and loved, and then reject it. And he thinks this is what other people do too... his ex started seeing someone else and put a pic of them up, and he said to me she's just doing it to make me jealous.... OMG, just MAYBE she likes this guy. Good lord, remembering this stuff is so good for me. He is UNBELIEVABLE.
Lillamy, why are you so angry tonight?
I think it is so easy for us to get angry all over again, we've experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment and this up and down is natural.
I didn't even want to post because part of me is a little disappointed that these things are even coming up for me, he is GONE, he is blocked, he can't call me, he's no longer in my life, and here I am..... STILL thinking and being angry about his actions...
but it's natural, and it's ok, and I know that a lot of people here go through the same kinds of ups and downs and it's good to write it out, even if you think you're being redundant.... I feel a little bit better myself. Back in reality just about, seeing him again for what he is, and knowing that much of what he does is a manipulation, and he can't manipulate a reaction out of me anymore, and THAT is my gift to myself.
The thing I know about him is that he has used things like facebook to hurt me in the past (he's 35, you would think only 15 year olds do that), for the entire year he went back to his ex, I would get blocked calls, he would reach out a couple of times trying to apologize (not often) and then when I didn't accept he used facebook as a weapon to post things he knew would hurt me, he knew at the time I would look. Covert passive aggression that was so obvious. This I know to be the truth about him. He can post whatever he wants now, I will never unblock him.
He would tell me that he kept his ex on his page because he wanted her to see how good his life was, this is what he does, so the things he puts up, he uses to get reactions out of people who have cared about him, so he can feel power, and loved, and then reject it. And he thinks this is what other people do too... his ex started seeing someone else and put a pic of them up, and he said to me she's just doing it to make me jealous.... OMG, just MAYBE she likes this guy. Good lord, remembering this stuff is so good for me. He is UNBELIEVABLE.
Lillamy, why are you so angry tonight?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He sounds like a drama seeker, his need to expose himself via social media is a basic ploy for superficial attention.
I believe some of these people need for constant attention is a lack of self worth. Who really cares if you are at starbucks having coffee ? Some of these people's status leave me thinking this is not news worthy...... get over yourself I have my own life.
I have a couple FB friends who are always jetting off taking these fantastic mini trips to glamourous destinations, and then they post a negative comment about the quality of service, or berate the culture, it just makes them sound like spoiled brats. I find them to be so very shallow, and irritating, think i will be deleting them soon.
Kittyboo, i think the reason this guy didn't include you was because he knew you were SMART. He did not want you to have a front row seat to his bullsh*t. You would have seen through him and dropped him like a hot potato. It's ok to be angry. Get it all out so you can move forward. I try to find humor in each day, it is the best medicine. You deserve a whole lot better than what he could ever offer. Take good care of you. It's going to get better
I believe some of these people need for constant attention is a lack of self worth. Who really cares if you are at starbucks having coffee ? Some of these people's status leave me thinking this is not news worthy...... get over yourself I have my own life.
I have a couple FB friends who are always jetting off taking these fantastic mini trips to glamourous destinations, and then they post a negative comment about the quality of service, or berate the culture, it just makes them sound like spoiled brats. I find them to be so very shallow, and irritating, think i will be deleting them soon.
Kittyboo, i think the reason this guy didn't include you was because he knew you were SMART. He did not want you to have a front row seat to his bullsh*t. You would have seen through him and dropped him like a hot potato. It's ok to be angry. Get it all out so you can move forward. I try to find humor in each day, it is the best medicine. You deserve a whole lot better than what he could ever offer. Take good care of you. It's going to get better
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
I think we have all been charmed at some point in our lives by people who turn out to be shallow and manipulative, their attention makes you feel special for a while-until you realise they do exactly the same with others. It's quite natural to feel hurt and anger, but your intelligence and maturity will bring you to more worthy people.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
rant away, put it on paper, write it down, get it ALL out.
Early on with all of this, I spent much of my brain-power focussed on X, why did he do this, that, the other, what was he thinking, why did he feel this way, and when i tried to look at my part, I was still him-focussed: what was it about me that made him want to do X,Y,Z? why didn't he love/want/help/care for me? was I being unreasonable to want/need these things from a partner, was he acting like a jerk, was I being too needy? what was it about me that allowed him to feel it was Ok to do what he did?
eventually, my mind slooooowwwllllyyyy turned to understanding that this is what he is like (independent of me, or only with me or whatever). The really interesting question for me was that given that, given the reality of the relationship and behaviour that I experienced, why did I want to stay? why did I try for so long to make the relationship into something it wasn't? Why didn't I just think - boy - this sucks, I think I'll bail and perhaps find someone who I do get on with, that I basically like and who basically likes me and see if I can build a good relationship based on that.
I have children with my XAH, he still, after nearly 2 years since we seperated, and following a divorce, hurls long, angry, accusations at me regarding the things I did or did not do during the relationship, much of it is ludicrous, he appears to have me mixed up with someone else regarding some very basic facts about my life (not things that can be viewed differently, real things like where I was born, and lived, when my parents divorced, where I have worked etc), and for whatever reason (and it matters not at all why) he has constructed a version of "me" that I don't recognise, and that is often entirely contradictory witin the same sentence. This is not becasue I am lacking in introspection, or willingness to evaluate my behaviour, I am and do, and have evaluated these attacks from him many times, with therapists and others, driving myself nearly mad trying to work out if I am indeed a sociopath, or a psychopath, or any of the other myriad things I am accused of.
This used to anger and upset me, I would desperately want to put him right, set him straight that actually I was not sacked from my last job (that was him) becasue of my mental health issues, I left to go to a better job, with higher salary and a permanent post 3 months before my fixed term contract ran out, etc blah, blah, blah. you get the drift.
Now this honestly doesn't bother me, although it's tedious when I want to arrange something to do with the kids. But his perceptions of my thoughts, actions, feelings and life don't define me. Perhaps this is easier for me now because he so obviously believes things that are factually and demonstrably entirely wrong: not misinterpreted, or has a different view on, or feels differently about, or remembers it in a different light from me, just plain wrong: e.g. my parents divorced 2 decades adrift of when he insists it occurred. If he is so way off base with the "facts", why would I take any account of the "views"? So for me it really is like he is talking about a fictional person. The only reaction I have now is an eye-roll, and an ignore/try again later. I honestly would have no contact with him if it weren't for the kids, and that won't be forever.
Perhaps it's worth examining why you stay in contact with him at all?
Early on with all of this, I spent much of my brain-power focussed on X, why did he do this, that, the other, what was he thinking, why did he feel this way, and when i tried to look at my part, I was still him-focussed: what was it about me that made him want to do X,Y,Z? why didn't he love/want/help/care for me? was I being unreasonable to want/need these things from a partner, was he acting like a jerk, was I being too needy? what was it about me that allowed him to feel it was Ok to do what he did?
eventually, my mind slooooowwwllllyyyy turned to understanding that this is what he is like (independent of me, or only with me or whatever). The really interesting question for me was that given that, given the reality of the relationship and behaviour that I experienced, why did I want to stay? why did I try for so long to make the relationship into something it wasn't? Why didn't I just think - boy - this sucks, I think I'll bail and perhaps find someone who I do get on with, that I basically like and who basically likes me and see if I can build a good relationship based on that.
I have children with my XAH, he still, after nearly 2 years since we seperated, and following a divorce, hurls long, angry, accusations at me regarding the things I did or did not do during the relationship, much of it is ludicrous, he appears to have me mixed up with someone else regarding some very basic facts about my life (not things that can be viewed differently, real things like where I was born, and lived, when my parents divorced, where I have worked etc), and for whatever reason (and it matters not at all why) he has constructed a version of "me" that I don't recognise, and that is often entirely contradictory witin the same sentence. This is not becasue I am lacking in introspection, or willingness to evaluate my behaviour, I am and do, and have evaluated these attacks from him many times, with therapists and others, driving myself nearly mad trying to work out if I am indeed a sociopath, or a psychopath, or any of the other myriad things I am accused of.
This used to anger and upset me, I would desperately want to put him right, set him straight that actually I was not sacked from my last job (that was him) becasue of my mental health issues, I left to go to a better job, with higher salary and a permanent post 3 months before my fixed term contract ran out, etc blah, blah, blah. you get the drift.
Now this honestly doesn't bother me, although it's tedious when I want to arrange something to do with the kids. But his perceptions of my thoughts, actions, feelings and life don't define me. Perhaps this is easier for me now because he so obviously believes things that are factually and demonstrably entirely wrong: not misinterpreted, or has a different view on, or feels differently about, or remembers it in a different light from me, just plain wrong: e.g. my parents divorced 2 decades adrift of when he insists it occurred. If he is so way off base with the "facts", why would I take any account of the "views"? So for me it really is like he is talking about a fictional person. The only reaction I have now is an eye-roll, and an ignore/try again later. I honestly would have no contact with him if it weren't for the kids, and that won't be forever.
Perhaps it's worth examining why you stay in contact with him at all?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Marie - I would certainly like to think that is the exact reason he never wanted to hang out.
Painterman- thank you!
JenT- WOW. Thank you for your post.
First, just to clarify, I don't stay in contact with him. He is blocked on fb and my phone number was also changed a while ago. The above rant was just from a resurfacing of emotions and anger.... usually I am here trying to give the same kind of advice that you were here giving to me. I agree with everything you said, but as you know, these feelings can resurface.
The thing about emotional abuse, which is certainly what I was exposed to, is that it lingers, for quite a while. Even knowing all I do about it, it messes with your mind so much, reality can still be questionnable.
I am probably one of the most introspective people you will ever know. I understand completely why I was drawn to him. I've covered that in previous posts, so I won't bore everyone with the details too much again, but all I have ever known in my life is emotional unavailability....literally. From both of my parents, and other family members, and in ALL of my relationships with men. My XA was definitely the one who made me hit rock bottom though.
We got in touch with each other right after my father had disowned me.... so looking back, he was the one who I wanted to be my hero, to show me love. And boy did I cling to him. He was also the first person in my life I thought there was initially a real future with, that was something I longed for, and by the time I started to learn who he was, I was so wrapped up in my head about him, I wouldn't see reality.
My thinking was so skewed that instead of sitting here saying "this guys an alcoholic, and a jerk, I would NEVER be with him"..... I was saying to myself "Wow, even an alcoholic doesn't want to be with me". To literally be rejected by someone who supposedly has horrible self esteem made me feel horrible. Which in turn made me cling even more.
As far as your story.... WOW JenT! I am so sorry. That is CRAZY MAKING. You've certainly come out on the other side well though. It is a process isn't it? I will most certainly be ok as well, and it will be fantastic when one day, any thought of him will literally come and go, like a passing cloud of complete indifference.
Painterman- thank you!
JenT- WOW. Thank you for your post.
First, just to clarify, I don't stay in contact with him. He is blocked on fb and my phone number was also changed a while ago. The above rant was just from a resurfacing of emotions and anger.... usually I am here trying to give the same kind of advice that you were here giving to me. I agree with everything you said, but as you know, these feelings can resurface.
The thing about emotional abuse, which is certainly what I was exposed to, is that it lingers, for quite a while. Even knowing all I do about it, it messes with your mind so much, reality can still be questionnable.
I am probably one of the most introspective people you will ever know. I understand completely why I was drawn to him. I've covered that in previous posts, so I won't bore everyone with the details too much again, but all I have ever known in my life is emotional unavailability....literally. From both of my parents, and other family members, and in ALL of my relationships with men. My XA was definitely the one who made me hit rock bottom though.
We got in touch with each other right after my father had disowned me.... so looking back, he was the one who I wanted to be my hero, to show me love. And boy did I cling to him. He was also the first person in my life I thought there was initially a real future with, that was something I longed for, and by the time I started to learn who he was, I was so wrapped up in my head about him, I wouldn't see reality.
My thinking was so skewed that instead of sitting here saying "this guys an alcoholic, and a jerk, I would NEVER be with him"..... I was saying to myself "Wow, even an alcoholic doesn't want to be with me". To literally be rejected by someone who supposedly has horrible self esteem made me feel horrible. Which in turn made me cling even more.
As far as your story.... WOW JenT! I am so sorry. That is CRAZY MAKING. You've certainly come out on the other side well though. It is a process isn't it? I will most certainly be ok as well, and it will be fantastic when one day, any thought of him will literally come and go, like a passing cloud of complete indifference.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
gosh yes, absolutely this is a process, and I move through many emotions and stages back and fore. I know you don't need any advice, my post was more a way of working through my experience, based on something that I thought resonated with me from yours (and I may well be wrong on that resonance). this is how I feel now, and my posts are based on my progress/process, all I can say is that in general I am further "forward" than I was before, that doesn't equate or compare to anyone else's journey, and involves stages where I feel I have not progressed at all: a mere 3 months ago, I was so affected by my ex's behaviour that I was signed off work for 2 weeks, put back on ad's (for a minimum of 2 years) had my mother come to stay to look after me whilst I adjusted to them and was on the brink of handing the children to ex and bowing out of their lives, convinced as I was by his rantings that I was doing them immeasurable harm. there is much ebb and flow, things surface and need to be dealt with, emotional abuse is very damaging, and now looking back I can see that this latest episode taught me humility, to ask for help (and it is given!) and that I don't have to/can't do it all on my own. Thhis too was progress, even though it felt like I ws back at the beginning.
your anger is entirely valid, I'm sorry if you felt I was making assumptions about keeping contact ongoing, working through these emotions as you are is a brave and helpful thing to do. FWIW practically everyone I have ever seen on these boards is introspective and self-evaluating, often so much so that it probably qualifies as self-harm, and you don't need to clarify your actions, thought or feelings to me or anyone else here.
(())
your anger is entirely valid, I'm sorry if you felt I was making assumptions about keeping contact ongoing, working through these emotions as you are is a brave and helpful thing to do. FWIW practically everyone I have ever seen on these boards is introspective and self-evaluating, often so much so that it probably qualifies as self-harm, and you don't need to clarify your actions, thought or feelings to me or anyone else here.
(())
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I know you don't need any advice - Oooooooh, I wouldn't say that! lol
No no no, i'm sorry, I didn't meant to come across like I thought you were making assumptions. I totally didn't. I just wanted to write out my experience for you and answer your question.
No no no, i'm sorry, I didn't meant to come across like I thought you were making assumptions. I totally didn't. I just wanted to write out my experience for you and answer your question.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
