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Old 09-28-2011, 05:06 PM
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Just venting

I am no contact w/ my stbxah. We do (court ordered) need to communicate regarding our 5D's. Here's the problem:
It took me so long to get my head straight and my peace, and courage to separate. Lots of alanon, reading, posting here, praying. I was doing well and feeling calm. Sad, but calm. We were COMPLETELY nc for July/august. Now that we need to minimally email about kids, and see eachother but not speak at kids sporting games, it's just so hard.

Even this very minimal contact has me in a tailspin. I obviously still have feelings and I really feel I'll always love him. It's so hard and sad letting go of the dreams we both had for our lives. Im trying hard to barely communicate. I think it's never necessary (I did fine on my own w/5 kids when we had nc for 2 months!). But I sometimes need to respond to his email/text questions. Again, the judge made it clear We needed to communicate civilly regarding kids.

I miss him so much. I guess I'm just posting as way to keep me from texting or calling him. I usually journal, which feels more like writing letters to him describing my feelings. But for some reason, I think b/c I'm just being exposed to him more, I just need more support. More reminders that there is a real and genuine problem - alcoholism- that is keeping us apart.

ThAnks for letting me vent.
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Old 09-28-2011, 05:10 PM
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I really feel I'll always love him
That is probably true. However, please remember the 'him' you love IS GONE. The 'him' has been changed forever by his addiction. Will he ever become that 'him' again? It's doubtful.

With lots of HARD WORK on his part, you may see some bits and pieces some day.

J M H O based on my own recovery of many years and working with others for many years.

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:00 PM
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I know. That is so true. When we were newly separated I used to whine that I wanted my family back. My brother had to remind me that it's not what I really want or I would not have initiated separation. I sort of just want all my dreams back. But thanks for the reminder. It's true that I can love him and not be able to live with him and share a life with him.
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:28 PM
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I too have found that the less contact I have with my stbxah the better off I am. And when I have contact with him (even if it's just the basics about our 2 D's) it stirs up feelings (I'm less in the "I still love him" place-- at least right now that is-- and more in the "I just wish I didn't have to have any contact at all with you" place) and makes it a lot harder to feel the kind of calm and detachment that NC allows.

I don't have a solution to how to make contact not hurt/suck etc... Maybe just knowing you're not alone in feeling as you do and in finding it hard will make it a little better? I know for me sometimes that's all there is and that helps....
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:45 PM
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fulloffaith, It is very heartbreaking to have to let go of our dreams. So maybe it's time to dream new dreams. Make some easy short term goal, things you know you can accomplish. It will give you a lift.

How about changing your daily routine a bit? I understand you have kids, and as the mom our wants and needs are always at the bottom of the totem pole. But the best gift you can give them is to be healthy.

Stay connected with friends and family, good friends are my rock. We get together, and play silly board games, cards, and some competitive games of scrabble too. We always do a theme, mexican, italian, or just fattening comfort food and snacks. We bitch about the bad, and celebrate each other accomplishments together.

Just meeting someone for coffee, or having them over, lifts my spirits. It reminds me that life goes on. I may have gotten off the crazy roller coaster from hell , but it doesn't mean I still don't enjoy amusement parks. A little spin on the merry go round, or water log ride with good friends is therapy to me.

Sending you good thoughts. Hang in there it will get better, Be patient with yourself.
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Old 09-28-2011, 08:37 PM
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Thank you all. It is hard, and it's true that I need to inject some more fun. Actually look for it instead of just going through motions of day. I do need to find new dreams and goals...something to think about,..,
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