sandysue

I live with my boyfriend. We’ve been together 6 years. I am 40 years old with no children.
He was a heavy drinker when we met. His drinking increased to a pint or a fifth daily when he quit pot about 5 years ago.
He was in the hospital in February, 2011 diagnosed with liver failure. He stayed sober I believe for 3 months; sober from booze (he was smoking pot during this time though).
He is back to drinking 3-4 days per week; and smoking pot daily.
I thought he had a couple relapses but realize now he’s been having more trouble than I realized.
He’s attending 2-3 AA meetings per week.
Initially in his recovery I was ok with the pot because it won’t hurt his liver, helps him with not drinking, etc. But now am not ok with it as I believe he hasn’t solved his dependency problem.

I’m going to Al-Anon and discovering the codependency problem I have (I’ve just started reading Codependent No More). I’m learning that I need to take care of myself and I can’t control him or his actions. It’s so sad to watch though!

I’ve been reading posts about people who stay, people who leave, and so much more.

Here is my question: What is the number one thing I can do to help him survive?

suki44883

You don't have that power. None of us do. If he doesn't want recovery, then nothing you say or do is going to change anything. Keep reading Codependent No More. The only control you have is over you. Welcome to SR.

dollydo

That is not your responsibility and you do not have to power to do so. He is an adult, it is his life to live on his own terms.

One of the primary clues as to whether one is codependent is wanting to know how to fix another.

You need to work on you, learn how not to be an enabler and put the focus back where it belongs...on you. You cannot save him, that is his responsibility.

Read all the stickeys on this and other family & friends forums, it will help you understand what you actually need to be doing.

Welcome...and keep those meetings up.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!! The ES&H above is spot on...I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie. Nothing anyone said or did made me seek recovery until I hit my bottom. I left my XABF because he continued to use and his bottom was death. We shared the same addiction, but I wanted recovery, he didn't.

SR has been a huge part of my recovery in both areas..codependency and addiction, but f2f support helps a lot, too.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Willybluedog

Thank you for coming here and posting, so sorry but must concur with the Suki and Dollydo, you caanot fix him or save him, all you can do is take care of yourself, please focus on eating right, getting enough rest, exercise, and prayer or meditation.

Please come often,

Peace be with you,

dbh

Thank you for posting SandySue.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I know how it feels to desperately want to be able to save someone. My dad never stopped drinking, he died last year at the age of 71.

What I have learned is that the only thing I can do is save myself. Like others have said, your boyfriend has to want it for himself. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make him want recovery.

During difficult times with my father, I would find comfort in praying.

Hugs,

db

sandysue

Thank you all for your posts.
I will:
- continue to read "Codependent No More" and reflect
- try to focus each day on myself
- continue my Thursday Al-Anon meetings - I love this group.
- further my involvement with a church I just started attending
- think before I say things to him
- continue my daily exercise of aerobics/weight training (this is MY time and has been very important to me for several years.)
- continue to enjoy walking with my dog; she brings me peace
- listen if he wants to talk
- ACCEPT THAT I CAN'T CHANGE HIM

dbh

Just needed to acknowledge how difficult and sad this last fact is.

Hugs,

db

m1k3

That last fact is steps 1, 2, and 3.

I know I felt so much better when I let go of trying to control because when I did I gave up the responsibility. It felt like a huge weight being taken off my shoulders.

I am sorry for your situation but as others have said the only person you can fix is yourself.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.



Your friend,

searchbug

I wish I had words to ease your pain. I don't think KNOWING who/what they are, changes the reality of what we wish for them...which is to be healthy and alive. That is one of the common threads of hurt that I see here, even for those who have moved on, or who are still trapped, physically or emotionally.
I have learned from here, that there is nothing we can do. That they have to hit REAL BOTTOM, in order to take responsibility for the choice to continue drinking..and the consequences, whatever they may be. Hitting bottom means different things, and when you say "liver damage", that is a HUGE bottom to be hitting. And I think you realize how huge it is, far more than he does.
I am so sorry. Not enough...but the best I have to offer. It comes from the bottom of my heart.

nodaybut2day

Welcome to SR.

Just wanting to chime in with this:
Give your ABF the dignity of finding his bottom himself. By attempting to intervene and "save" him, you would be robbing him of that dignity.