Selfish!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Selfish!
The situation with my wife and her AFIL right now is that I've finally taken a stand and have refused to see the AFIL any longer (aside the obligatory bdays and holidays). We usually visit him once a week in the assisted living home where he continues to drink nonstop and time and time again the elephant in the room remains silent and has for 3 years since we've moved to take care of him.
My wife is furious at me and has not only accused me of being selfish but unsupportive and even though we are to move (together) in a few months away from him - screamed that I should go ahead and she'll catch up when she gets things settled with her AF. "Don't you worry - I'll take care of everything myself..." kind of thing. She's totally laying on the guilt and refuses to believe I can support HER without having to see HIM.
WTH can I possibly do or say to convince her otherwise? We've not spoken to each other all day and this past week we've fought about him pretty much every day (he's been fast and furious with the drinking again lately). This situation is not going to get any better any time soon. This is so frustrating!
Not only has she allowed herself to be sucked in by him (which she says she cannot control) but she's angry that I will not allow myself to be sucked in any longer. Now she's attempting to make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Do I hang in? Give in? She won't get help, she won't accept that I can support her in other ways, she won't listen to anything I have to say.
I AM SO MAD that AGAIN we are fighting over her AF. Any words, advice, or experience would be incredibly helpful. So I don't have to bore everyone again, our "story" was in a post in this forum under, "FIL tearing family apart - not sure how to support."
Sigh. Thank You.
My wife is furious at me and has not only accused me of being selfish but unsupportive and even though we are to move (together) in a few months away from him - screamed that I should go ahead and she'll catch up when she gets things settled with her AF. "Don't you worry - I'll take care of everything myself..." kind of thing. She's totally laying on the guilt and refuses to believe I can support HER without having to see HIM.
WTH can I possibly do or say to convince her otherwise? We've not spoken to each other all day and this past week we've fought about him pretty much every day (he's been fast and furious with the drinking again lately). This situation is not going to get any better any time soon. This is so frustrating!
Not only has she allowed herself to be sucked in by him (which she says she cannot control) but she's angry that I will not allow myself to be sucked in any longer. Now she's attempting to make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Do I hang in? Give in? She won't get help, she won't accept that I can support her in other ways, she won't listen to anything I have to say.
I AM SO MAD that AGAIN we are fighting over her AF. Any words, advice, or experience would be incredibly helpful. So I don't have to bore everyone again, our "story" was in a post in this forum under, "FIL tearing family apart - not sure how to support."
Sigh. Thank You.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well how about keeping it short and sweet and saying it just once:
"I have been doing some research and a lot of reading and have come to realize that
We/I/You didn't CAUSEthis.
We/I/You can't CONTROL this.
and
We/I/You can't CURE this.
I have decided to take care of myself and have set 'my boundary.' You might want to check out Alanon."
Then when she tries to continue the argument you can say "I have already explained."
and walk away from the argument.
Just as you cannot help the FIL you cannot help your wife. She will have to reach her own:
"enough is enough".
In the meantime, please continue to let us know how You are doing. You can rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh with us. We have been there.
Know that we are walking with you in spirit. It sometimes helps when things get rough to picture all of us in the room where you are. It can have an amazing calming affect.
Love and hugs,
"I have been doing some research and a lot of reading and have come to realize that
We/I/You didn't CAUSEthis.
We/I/You can't CONTROL this.
and
We/I/You can't CURE this.
I have decided to take care of myself and have set 'my boundary.' You might want to check out Alanon."
Then when she tries to continue the argument you can say "I have already explained."
and walk away from the argument.
Just as you cannot help the FIL you cannot help your wife. She will have to reach her own:
"enough is enough".
In the meantime, please continue to let us know how You are doing. You can rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh with us. We have been there.
Know that we are walking with you in spirit. It sometimes helps when things get rough to picture all of us in the room where you are. It can have an amazing calming affect.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Good news! Via the technology of passive conversation (i.e. texting) we've agreed to go to Al-Anon together! I passed on the "You did not cause this..." and received the response that's it's great but not relative to actually being in it but it was understood as a good reminder for when one believes they have to save the world 
I'm looking forward to going forward!
I'm looking forward to going forward!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Sending positive thoughts your way, Williamj, to you & your wife. . .learning to detach with love, respect & compassion is one of the things I have learned that helped me get through tough times. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Thank you, Yorkiegirl!
We spent last Saturday in the ER with AFIL. Turns out his blood alcohol was over 300 (in hospital measurements) right after breakfast hours! He was apparently groping assisted living home nurses and wetting himself and they had to put him in a wheelchair because he couldn't stand up.
We were in the ER nine hours until his blood alcohol went down & they could find a place for him to detox safely. At one point someone told him if they couldn't find a place they would send him home & he could drink so the shock wouldn't kill him. He was giddy... until an ambulance came to pick him up for actual detox! And then he was a PILL.
So he's detoxing for another few days and we're trying to find a place for him to go straight into rehab... IF he will go. There's no telling what's going to happen from here but to be honest, if he does go it will be amazing for everyone to be free of him for at least 30 days.
Never realized how hard it is to find a drug/alcohol rehab center for elderly people. And now he will HAVE to sell his cars just to be able afford it... this may not go too well but one can always hope!
We spent last Saturday in the ER with AFIL. Turns out his blood alcohol was over 300 (in hospital measurements) right after breakfast hours! He was apparently groping assisted living home nurses and wetting himself and they had to put him in a wheelchair because he couldn't stand up.
We were in the ER nine hours until his blood alcohol went down & they could find a place for him to detox safely. At one point someone told him if they couldn't find a place they would send him home & he could drink so the shock wouldn't kill him. He was giddy... until an ambulance came to pick him up for actual detox! And then he was a PILL.
So he's detoxing for another few days and we're trying to find a place for him to go straight into rehab... IF he will go. There's no telling what's going to happen from here but to be honest, if he does go it will be amazing for everyone to be free of him for at least 30 days.
Never realized how hard it is to find a drug/alcohol rehab center for elderly people. And now he will HAVE to sell his cars just to be able afford it... this may not go too well but one can always hope!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Was that this Saturday, after you taking a stand and refusing to see him? Or last week? Either way dear God I think I hate that man.
It sounds like you and your wife, for all your arguing, manage to talk things through. I feel very hopeful for you two.
I think your decision not to see FIL anymore is a great gift to your wife. I have a sneaking suspicion that a small part of her is glad. But then a part of her still feels guilty--hence the arguing.
Good luck to you both.
It sounds like you and your wife, for all your arguing, manage to talk things through. I feel very hopeful for you two.
I think your decision not to see FIL anymore is a great gift to your wife. I have a sneaking suspicion that a small part of her is glad. But then a part of her still feels guilty--hence the arguing.
Good luck to you both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
It was this past Saturday and trust, there was no pity on him from anyone. He didn't even know where he was and we didn't know if he was going to make it. So yes, I did see him after i said that i would not but I do feel the circumstance warranted immediate support for my wife.
He kept trying to hit everyone up with,"I'm so stupid!" Yes, yes he is.
And yes, I have to say I've never had such disdain for one person in my life and given his family's longevity, this past weekend's scenario could run on repeat for many years. I just hope he voluntarily goes to rehab. If not, hell will break loose.
He kept trying to hit everyone up with,"I'm so stupid!" Yes, yes he is.
And yes, I have to say I've never had such disdain for one person in my life and given his family's longevity, this past weekend's scenario could run on repeat for many years. I just hope he voluntarily goes to rehab. If not, hell will break loose.
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