Determined to quit oxy's ONCE & FOR ALL!!!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 7
Determined to quit oxy's ONCE & FOR ALL!!!!!!
Geeze...,
So here I stand again, hooked, dependent on this hell pill oxycontin. Words CANNOT express how mad, furious, dissapointed I am in myself... for relapsing & being sucked in this hell once again. I'm sorry, I just can't help but to vent. This will be my fourth & hopefully final time kicking this horrible addiction, although I've now realized ( & it took me forever to realize ) I will ALWAYS be an addict , sober or not. I'm 29 & have been taking opiates since I was about 20, for about 9 yrs now. In the past 3 yrs I've tried to get sober 4 times ... the most recent being this past feb & I lasted until May , a good whole 4months or so. Stupid me. I was doin so well , I had my life, which I had missed dearly back. Ofcourse being around my family & friends who had those nasty pills took its toll, I convinced myself just 1 little pill wouldn't, couldn't , hurt. Boy was I wrong. I have no one but myself to blame. I just want my life back , for good. I joined this site after sooo many entries & seeing the unbelievable amount of support you guys provide for one another. I just don't want to have to do this all alone. No one close to me knows what I'm goin thru & I refuse to tell them for ill feel like a total failure. Especially after my last attempt to quit, I went to a medical detox & everything , I don't want anyone knowing I've failed after putting them thru all that mess. I pray I can succeed. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. Of course I know what to expect but I have a few questions maybe someone could help me with? I've always quit CT & I'm curious if tapering down would make it easier on me? I've also just been using for about 4 months or so, this last month taking around 100mg - 160mg oxy op's a day. Is it possible my withdrawals won't be so bad this time around?, since its only been about 4 months. I swear the worst to me has always been the physical withdrawals , I'm such a wimp & hate feeling sick & in pain.
But I just can't continue this crap anymore. The amount of money I spend a week is insane. Its ruining my life & I'm so ready to be sober, for good. Please any answers or comments will be very much appreciated. I just don't want to do this alone. & if anyone knows of some things I will need to ease my withdrawal symptoms,please fill me in. Thank you.
So here I stand again, hooked, dependent on this hell pill oxycontin. Words CANNOT express how mad, furious, dissapointed I am in myself... for relapsing & being sucked in this hell once again. I'm sorry, I just can't help but to vent. This will be my fourth & hopefully final time kicking this horrible addiction, although I've now realized ( & it took me forever to realize ) I will ALWAYS be an addict , sober or not. I'm 29 & have been taking opiates since I was about 20, for about 9 yrs now. In the past 3 yrs I've tried to get sober 4 times ... the most recent being this past feb & I lasted until May , a good whole 4months or so. Stupid me. I was doin so well , I had my life, which I had missed dearly back. Ofcourse being around my family & friends who had those nasty pills took its toll, I convinced myself just 1 little pill wouldn't, couldn't , hurt. Boy was I wrong. I have no one but myself to blame. I just want my life back , for good. I joined this site after sooo many entries & seeing the unbelievable amount of support you guys provide for one another. I just don't want to have to do this all alone. No one close to me knows what I'm goin thru & I refuse to tell them for ill feel like a total failure. Especially after my last attempt to quit, I went to a medical detox & everything , I don't want anyone knowing I've failed after putting them thru all that mess. I pray I can succeed. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. Of course I know what to expect but I have a few questions maybe someone could help me with? I've always quit CT & I'm curious if tapering down would make it easier on me? I've also just been using for about 4 months or so, this last month taking around 100mg - 160mg oxy op's a day. Is it possible my withdrawals won't be so bad this time around?, since its only been about 4 months. I swear the worst to me has always been the physical withdrawals , I'm such a wimp & hate feeling sick & in pain.
But I just can't continue this crap anymore. The amount of money I spend a week is insane. Its ruining my life & I'm so ready to be sober, for good. Please any answers or comments will be very much appreciated. I just don't want to do this alone. & if anyone knows of some things I will need to ease my withdrawal symptoms,please fill me in. Thank you.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi AliceInKc,
My guess is that you were using in secret. Recovering in secret is likely to be just as foolish. One thing that is for sure is the addictive behavior does not like the light of day. Your chances of beating this are greatly improved if you come clean to your family, or at least someone who is close to you and cares about your recovery. As long as you are accountable only to yourself, you are likely to fail again.
You'll get a lot of support for quitting if you keep coming here.
Personally, I could not taper off. I found it to be nothing more than slow torture. Every drop down of your dose will put you into a mini withdrawal, and so if you continue to do it this way long enough, you have just prolonged your withdrawal over the course of weeks or months when it could be far shorter. Some people like to go on a substitute drug like suboxone, but I could not bear another round of doctor appointments for that program, and I didn't want to end up just addicted to another drug. Subox is highly addictive in and of itself, and you'd be trying to pry that monkey off your back later on.
My advice would be to get yourself checked out to make sure you are medically stable enough to detox. Then, do it the fastest way you can. Your doctor can give you something non narcotic for the withdrawal symptoms. Don't work for at least a week or two into your detox, for you will be very sick and very lethargic. You already know that.
Read the threads for more information. Ask questions here for advice and help. At some point, using oxys becomes less desirable than even the detox of quitting. I had to get so sick I couldn't go on any longer before I convinced myself to quit. If you'd had someone else to hold you accountable last time, I'll bet you wouldn't have done this again. Figure out a way to where you can NOT HAVE ACCESS to this poison. You can't use what you don't have.
Good luck!
FT
My guess is that you were using in secret. Recovering in secret is likely to be just as foolish. One thing that is for sure is the addictive behavior does not like the light of day. Your chances of beating this are greatly improved if you come clean to your family, or at least someone who is close to you and cares about your recovery. As long as you are accountable only to yourself, you are likely to fail again.
You'll get a lot of support for quitting if you keep coming here.
Personally, I could not taper off. I found it to be nothing more than slow torture. Every drop down of your dose will put you into a mini withdrawal, and so if you continue to do it this way long enough, you have just prolonged your withdrawal over the course of weeks or months when it could be far shorter. Some people like to go on a substitute drug like suboxone, but I could not bear another round of doctor appointments for that program, and I didn't want to end up just addicted to another drug. Subox is highly addictive in and of itself, and you'd be trying to pry that monkey off your back later on.
My advice would be to get yourself checked out to make sure you are medically stable enough to detox. Then, do it the fastest way you can. Your doctor can give you something non narcotic for the withdrawal symptoms. Don't work for at least a week or two into your detox, for you will be very sick and very lethargic. You already know that.
Read the threads for more information. Ask questions here for advice and help. At some point, using oxys becomes less desirable than even the detox of quitting. I had to get so sick I couldn't go on any longer before I convinced myself to quit. If you'd had someone else to hold you accountable last time, I'll bet you wouldn't have done this again. Figure out a way to where you can NOT HAVE ACCESS to this poison. You can't use what you don't have.
Good luck!
FT
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 379
Hey
Hi AliceinKC! I am on my thirteenth day of a hard detox off of oxys. It is not fun - you know that - but I am already beggining to feeling better and I was on a slightly higher dose than you when I stopped. I have taper issues too...Every time I tried to taper I would end up taking more than I already was.
One thing I would like to share is try not to beat yourself up - I know it is not easy but once in the throws of active addiction our brains seem to turn against us focusing only on seeking the next "fix." Try only to focus on the getting clean aspect at this time...and making yourself as comfortable as you can. (and of course, listen to FailedTaper - I have found all of her posts to be extremely informative and supportive!!!)
The important thing is that you have found your way back here and there are a lot of amazing people on this forum that will be able to work through this with you. Even when I was feeling horrible and too shaky to post I would sit here and read the posts of everyone else that was going through the same exact thing that I was going through and not only living through it but coming out the other side.
All the best to you as you work your way to the other side!!
One thing I would like to share is try not to beat yourself up - I know it is not easy but once in the throws of active addiction our brains seem to turn against us focusing only on seeking the next "fix." Try only to focus on the getting clean aspect at this time...and making yourself as comfortable as you can. (and of course, listen to FailedTaper - I have found all of her posts to be extremely informative and supportive!!!)
The important thing is that you have found your way back here and there are a lot of amazing people on this forum that will be able to work through this with you. Even when I was feeling horrible and too shaky to post I would sit here and read the posts of everyone else that was going through the same exact thing that I was going through and not only living through it but coming out the other side.
All the best to you as you work your way to the other side!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome...
when I decided to quit drinking...I joined my local AA
That gave me others to talk to who were shareing my goal of lasting sobreity.
Have you considered NA? And here is a link to a program I know nothing about.. but ???
http://www.pillsanonymous.org/the-12-steps-of-pa/
when I decided to quit drinking...I joined my local AA
That gave me others to talk to who were shareing my goal of lasting sobreity.
Have you considered NA? And here is a link to a program I know nothing about.. but ???
http://www.pillsanonymous.org/the-12-steps-of-pa/
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
Do you live a very reclusive life or something? You've been an opiate user for 9 YEARS and not one person close to you has any idea something is wrong? Surely you've given off some signs- at least in some manner, somewhere along the way. If not, I'm sort of impressed. But FT is right, you really need to tell somebody close to you. You've gotta past this "It'll make me feel like a failure" thing. This is your life at stake. It'll be painful at first, but will things make so much easier on you in the long run, and will significantly increase your prospects for long term abstinence and HAPPINESS. Holding a secret like that, even after getting sober, will continue to eat away at you. It's not only therapeutic just to get these things off your chest, but until you gain some stability in sobriety, you will need somebody to hold you accountable. Otherwise it's just too damn easy to let the ball drop. It's clear that you are a master at hiding this so you'd probably have to ask a family member or friend to keep an eye on your bank account or something similar that you wouldn't be able to hide. It's a little bit of a pride hit, but wouldn't that greatly decrease the chances you'd relapse back to the point of dependency? It's like a security blanket, just INCASE you think about using again somewhere down the road. You say you've relapsed several times, maybe it's time to go about this a bit differently? I know you think you can do it secretly, but you thought you could do it last time, and the time before, too. Just something to think about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 7
Hi all & thanks so much for responding,
Maybe i came across as a super secretive person, but thats really not the case. A few people whom im very close to know my situation, other than that, just havent felt the need to share my situation... scared of being judged. . . & no one has ever "caught on" maybe im just "that good" at hiding it but , i feel as though ive always seemed pretty normal while using. ive never gotten extremely high & for an example , dozed off, which i see in all the other opiate addicts i know. my "high" was at the most just being super energetic. i dont know. & if anyone has/had ever suspected, they never told me.
& thank you FT, i believe cold turkey is the way to go.
i dont work, my boyfriend is the provider in our family. so lucky to have him, he spoils me & has been so amazing. up until last feb, he had no idea i was an addict. & ive been with him since i was 17, over 10 yrs. he thinks im clean now & i just cant seem to come clean to him & hurt him, ive failed him
ill tell him ive got the flu, i just want to be out of this situation & never fail him again. the weekly allowance he gives me, ive already told him to pay for whatever i may want with his credit cards...( i said to help build his credit ) .
Well today is my last day of using, so ready to be sober living, actually really excited
of course im also scared, withdrawals are not fun. im trying to be as prepared as possible. gonna try the thomas recipe and the amino acids. has anyone else had any experience with the amino acids? & how was it? only held off until today because today is my lil girls bday & i didnt wanna ruin it for her, by feeling crappy & not wanting to take her out. although im sure some of those thoughts are my addict brain, convincing me i must keep using...hoping with *fingers crossed* im feeling alot better by the time her bday bash comes along in around 2weeks. anyhow, tomorrow will be day 1. i hope i make it thru, ive never wanted anything so bad in my life.
Maybe i came across as a super secretive person, but thats really not the case. A few people whom im very close to know my situation, other than that, just havent felt the need to share my situation... scared of being judged. . . & no one has ever "caught on" maybe im just "that good" at hiding it but , i feel as though ive always seemed pretty normal while using. ive never gotten extremely high & for an example , dozed off, which i see in all the other opiate addicts i know. my "high" was at the most just being super energetic. i dont know. & if anyone has/had ever suspected, they never told me.
& thank you FT, i believe cold turkey is the way to go.
i dont work, my boyfriend is the provider in our family. so lucky to have him, he spoils me & has been so amazing. up until last feb, he had no idea i was an addict. & ive been with him since i was 17, over 10 yrs. he thinks im clean now & i just cant seem to come clean to him & hurt him, ive failed him
ill tell him ive got the flu, i just want to be out of this situation & never fail him again. the weekly allowance he gives me, ive already told him to pay for whatever i may want with his credit cards...( i said to help build his credit ) .
Well today is my last day of using, so ready to be sober living, actually really excited
of course im also scared, withdrawals are not fun. im trying to be as prepared as possible. gonna try the thomas recipe and the amino acids. has anyone else had any experience with the amino acids? & how was it? only held off until today because today is my lil girls bday & i didnt wanna ruin it for her, by feeling crappy & not wanting to take her out. although im sure some of those thoughts are my addict brain, convincing me i must keep using...hoping with *fingers crossed* im feeling alot better by the time her bday bash comes along in around 2weeks. anyhow, tomorrow will be day 1. i hope i make it thru, ive never wanted anything so bad in my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 7
Hi CarolD,
Yes, this time around im definitely gonna join NA. last time i quit, i went only went once when i was 60 days sober & although i really enjoyed it, i was just so darn shy. ive always been a super shy, quiet girl. its gonna be hard for me to open up with others, to speak out loud in front of others but ill just have to deal with it, because i believe it will be CRUCIAL in helping me stay clean.
Yes, this time around im definitely gonna join NA. last time i quit, i went only went once when i was 60 days sober & although i really enjoyed it, i was just so darn shy. ive always been a super shy, quiet girl. its gonna be hard for me to open up with others, to speak out loud in front of others but ill just have to deal with it, because i believe it will be CRUCIAL in helping me stay clean.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 7
Oh i forgot, one more question maybe someone could help me with?
My older sister who currently stays with me takes xanax, i read in alot of posts & in the thomas recipe how benificial benzos can be with goin thru withdrawals. should i get a few from her to ease my wd's? or help me sleep? im confused as to what i should do because i know benzos can be highly addictive & the last thing i want or need is another dependency. just thinking they might help???
My older sister who currently stays with me takes xanax, i read in alot of posts & in the thomas recipe how benificial benzos can be with goin thru withdrawals. should i get a few from her to ease my wd's? or help me sleep? im confused as to what i should do because i know benzos can be highly addictive & the last thing i want or need is another dependency. just thinking they might help???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi AliceInKc,
Because we can't give medical advice here, I won't try to advise you on the benzos.
The best thing to do is get a doctor involved in your detox if you can. If the doc thinks benzos would help, there would be your answer. I personally have no problem with people who go that route, especially if benzos have never been their problem to start with and they stick to what's prescribed.
I've tried a bunch of supplements, never specific amino acids except protein drinks help some. I think detox is going to make you feel crappy no matter what, but do what helps. Lots of fluids, soups, easy to digest stuff, juices, green tea, etc. You can do this! Just expect to feel sick, and WELCOME it, because it means your detox is working.
FT
Because we can't give medical advice here, I won't try to advise you on the benzos.
The best thing to do is get a doctor involved in your detox if you can. If the doc thinks benzos would help, there would be your answer. I personally have no problem with people who go that route, especially if benzos have never been their problem to start with and they stick to what's prescribed.
I've tried a bunch of supplements, never specific amino acids except protein drinks help some. I think detox is going to make you feel crappy no matter what, but do what helps. Lots of fluids, soups, easy to digest stuff, juices, green tea, etc. You can do this! Just expect to feel sick, and WELCOME it, because it means your detox is working.
FT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 7
Day 2 without any oxys, or to be exact 38 hours. To be honest yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Managed to sleep about 9 hrs, although I did keep waking up througout the night trying to get comfortable. Today just feel a little weak, tired, keep yawning & a tiny bit sweaty. Does anyone know when the worst will hit me?
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