damnedone

It's me again! The crazy girl who wouldn't give up on her online addict, for anything on earth... I don't know if anyone remembers me, but yeah I used to be pretty much the black sheep of this place. :P Been clinging on an opiate addict (online, as surprisingly as it seems) for nearly 4 years and thought I had superpowers and can numb down my codependence while still being in love with him and 24/7 thinking of him and trying to fullfill his needs and wants.

Well, as an update on his addiction, he has been recently taken off oxycontin by his doctor and taking methadone instead. He has been shooting even that twice in 4 months for "experimental" purposes, but that's not the point of my topic. Oh and he's still forever stoned.

What I wanted to say, is that after being single for 5 years, he finally met a girl he "likes" and managed to hurt me and disgust me in such a horrible manner, I just can't love him anymore. He is not the same man I've been knowing for over 4 years and I don't know if he's been like this all this time and been hiding it or this new relationship really changed him this much. But yeah, my blindfold fell off and I see all the bad things about him, not just the things that have changed about him.

I've been violently sick for a few days, but what I have come to realise after this week, is that my love for him AND my codependence are gone. I have managed to send him a long e-mail explaining to him how differently I see him and how my feelings changed for him, but yeah pretty much my e-mail was telling him that he has become something I cannot love anymore. He got terribly angry, cursed me and tried to hurt me verbally (once again), but unlike what I would usually do (cry a river), I was just sitting here and shaking my head in dismay. I hurt him and his reaction could not hurt me back. Well maybe it made me sad, but it didn't break me into pieces.

It's been 2 days and I find myself not being 24/7 interested in how he's doing, no more constantly checking if he is online, and no more paying attention to every little thing he says in the public chats where we hang around. I feel like I have detached from him once and for all. I even disabled e-mails on my phone (I was keeping it set like that only for him, so he could wake me up in the middle of the night if he needed me online...).

Well, one thing I did when we were fighting and I don't know if it was good, was throwing my codependence in his face. =/ I don't know if anyone ever did this before, but yeah, as an attempt to hurt me, he said my love was never real, that all he's ever been to me was a teenage crush (I'm 22, but I was 17 when I became interested in him).. so I threw it in his face, told him that teenage crushes don't develop codependency. I have told him earlier in our conversation that I tried to deal with my codependency while still being 24/7 on his side, just because I thought he needed my love... and now I feel like an idiot for it because he clearly never needed it. Well, both times, his reaction was the same... quiet. If he's speechless, then it hit him hard. So I guess he knows very well what it is, and I'm not the first "victim". I don't think he expected that though.

We now talk like 2 strangers and he seems stressed a lot, but it doesn't hurt me anymore. I just feel a little bad for him, for what he has become.

Now the problem comes, I'm very afraid I may relapse... I'm trying hard to chase him away from my thoughts, and the only reason for which I still hang around him is to test myself and push myself to the limits, see if I have any reaction to seeing him online or the things he says. So far, I seem perfectly detached and for the first time in a loooong time, I feel like I'm in full control of myself.

This feeling of power is amazing, I feel like I have released myself from my own chains and can run around free.

I do miss the happy feeling of being around him and thinking of him with so much love, but I guess that was just the "drug" effect he had over me. It's true, I feel dead on the inside, but at least I feel FREE. I will probably fill that hole in my heart somehow in time. But NOT with more codependency and lies from him.

I'm SO sorry I haven't listened before, I should have fixed my codependence long long ago, this was a very violent way of getting rid of it. =/ I simply didn't want to, and clinged to my own misery because a part of it made me feel so great.

He made me ill so many times when we had arguments, he used to hurt me so much with words, I would practically get physically ill. This time it was so bad, I simply hit rock bottom and said "NO MORE!".

So yeah, I feel free and I want to stay this way. Maybe one day he will go back to how he used to be when I was in love with him, but I don't want to go back here.

TO WHOEVER READ THIS AND IS A CODEPENDENT:
Please please, don't think you have superpowers and can deal with it, you can't do it alone and it won't help anyone if you destroy your sanity and health around your addicted loved one. Seek professional help, else it will destroy you at some point. =/

I have received a heavy hit, but I managed to deal with it.

Now I need an advice, shall I still look for a place to do therapy or attend nar-anon meetings? We don't even have those here . And he wasn't even in active addiction lately. But I don't know, I don't want to get back to being a codie... I was thinking, if I feel I'm falling back into that hole, I will just break contact with him for good, but I'm scared it will happen without noticing and then it will be too late again.

Sorry for the long post and I probably don't make a lot of sense either, it's late.

((((((HUGS))))) to everyone who has been supporting this poor young ex-codie and I'm so so so sorry I didn't listen earlier...

suki44883

Why do you still talk to him? If he's moved on and found another girl, then it's over. Cut the ties. That will make it easier to get over it.

LifeRecovery

I don't live with active addiction any longer.

I still attend Al-anon (there are often more of those than Nar-anon) and individual counseling (which is the best money this co-dependent has ever spent on herself)

Good luck.

Ann

Welcome back and please know there are no black sheep here on this forum. Some take longer to learn and to listen, I know I was one of those a few years back, but we learn when we are ready and I know that remembering what had been said to me when I had fluff in my ears, helped me move forward.

You sound a little older and a little wiser for the experience, but something you posted sent up a red flag on my codar...

Sweetie, this is not unlike an addict hanging out with the dope man to see if he can resist, or an alcoholic window shopping at the liquor store. They say if you hang out at the barber's too long, you will eventually get a haircut.

You're doing better and I know you hurt, but sometimes just letting go entirely can leave you free to move on and find a better way to live.

Focus on you, do good things for yourself (that don't involve him in any way) and don't look back. If you do, it will get better, I promise.

Hugs

dollydo

Have you met this guy in person yet or is this still an internet thing?

Kindeyes

We all learn in our own time. Now that you are out of denial about your codependence, have you begun to work the issues and behaviors that define it? For me, that required therapy, daily reading, and two meetings per week......but then....I may a little slow.

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

Personally I don't find any benefit in remaining in contact with a toxic person.

I don't need to test myself. That's a surefire recipe for relapse on my part.

I need to live my life to the fullest.

hello-kitty

Good to "see" you. Do you know that old saying? "It takes what it takes." So, are you still damned-one or are you damn-done yet?

The sooner you stop all contact, the sooner you can move on and heal. Don't you want that??

bluebelle

To move on, you'll need to develop ways of coping with your feelings that don't involve contact with him. Just as a drug addict needs to learn coping mechanisms that don't involve drugs, you need to discover coping mechanisms that don't involve him. It sounds like you are telling you are letting him go, but you are still talking to him some. Have you talked to a counselor?

I understand what you are saying about feeling a lot of pain and crying a river. I didn't start to work on my codependency until I hit my own rock bottom. I think I was in the bathtub crying and screaming and I felt completely awful. From that point, I realized that I needed to take care of myself because nobody else could do it for me.

I read books on codependency, and keep up to date on this website. I work with a psychiatrist, meditate, exercise, take long baths, etc., to feel better. I am not a completely recovered codependent--it will probably always be a battle for me. However, I have learned to remind myself that it is time to let go once I feel obsession overtaking my thoughts. I am slowly learning that trying to help an addict only causes pain for me. However, taking care of myself, makes me feel better.