ACOAHappyNow

I was thinking, my entire family of origin are either addicted to something or heavily codependent (or both). A lot of people I've known in my life have been one or the other. Almost everyone who gets along with people in my family of origin and likes spending time with them, is addicted or very much in denial about things.

I feel like the odd person out. If everyone in society - 90% of the nation, for example - is an addict or codependent and in denial of reality, aren't I a misfit for not being an addict or codependent? Doesn't that make me then the misfit and "wrong"?

Being able to see reality and acknowledge it makes a person a very lonely person I think sometimes.

ACOAHappyNow

Well, anyway, I feel like a real misfit sometimes. I am the only one in my family working the program and they all agree that I am the messed up one.

LifeRecovery

My family is the same way, and they think similar things about me. Especially after I have gotten better but still work a program.

It is hard to feel settled in this sometimes, especially when I am around them. For me I am having a hard time trusting that I can pick people to have in my life very well too...because in the past I have often chosen people with addictions/codependency, even when they are not a part of my family.

ACOAHappyNow

Isn't it kind of maddening to be told YOU are the sick one for not being in denial? Sometimes it really makes me feel crazy, angry, etc. Makes me wonder if they are right, maybe I am the crazy one for seeing the elephant in the room.

dollydo

I think that we all can lend ourselves to codependency. Some of us, wake up and back off, some of us do not.

To me, women have a more difficult problem with detaching and codependency issues, as, we are supposed to be the "Little Helpers" of the world. This midset is being passed on from generation to generation, and to me, that is sad.

You are not crazy, you are progressive the others are not, they are stuck in the dark ages, that is their choice.

michaeldenial

We are all, in varying degrees, co-dependent. Not a bad thing. I like being close to those I depend on, and am glad they feel the same way about me.

onlythetruth

No, I'd say that if 90% of people are labeled as "sick", then the problem is that human nature is being mischaracterized. I do think that codependency is real, that there are some people who sacrifice their own needs to a very sick degree in order to please others. But I also think that codependency has come to be defined so broadly that simply caring about another person and putting their needs ahead of our own is viewed as evidence of disease, and I think that is unfortunate and wrong.

ACOAHappyNow

Well, what I mean by codependent and in denial is basically, "oh, we don't talk about child molestation, we pretend it never happened, it's not nice to talk about bad things. So just pretend it never happened and let the molester have access to children as if he were not sick..."

ACOAHappyNow

I guess i feel like 90% of society is like that. At least the people I grew up around.

You know, "Everyone gets drunk or uses drugs, it's just normal. Using heroin or meth is just normal! Everyone does it! Don't be so judgemental!"

Or, "All couples have arguments from time to time, it's normal" when the guy has been jailed for domestic abuse.

"I can't believe she called the cops on me just because I kept strangling her mother and beating her. What a rotten kid! Doesn't she know that she's supposed to pretend nothing was going on?"

That's the kind of stuff I am talking about. People say stuff like that all the time and it makes me feel like I'm the crazy one.

Because, you see, I don't think it's normal and good to drink until you puke and pass out at least a couple times a week. I don't think it's normal and good to use heroin or meth for fun. I don't think domestic abuse and child molestation are normal and good things.

But I seem to be such a minority. Certainly I am the only one in my family of origin...and sometimes I feel I am the only person in the whole nation...

dollydo

Famlies pass on their mindset from generation to generation and most are followers, the lambs, they are not leaders. They cannot think outside of the box.

So, what is acceptable to their leaders, Mom and Dad, are acceptable to me, as I am a follower, I have never had an original thought in my life and never will.

ACOAHappyNow

I guess I'm just a rebel because I don't fit in. A loner. I always have been. "Weird" is how my family describes me. They very much look down on me.

LifeRecovery

I just spent my therapy session talking about something similar.

I am in the place in my life where my feelings, actions etc are starting to fuse and become congruent. I think this is going to have a big impact on my relationships and I don't know what to do about it.

I am fortunate though that I have some good modeling in my therapist and some other support in my life.

I lose some of my serenity when I try to interact with others. It is getting easier but if I keep the focus on me it gets better. I am getting ready to take a meditation course and am hoping that will help me to settle into me a little bit more also.

dollydo

I never thought inside the box or was a follower. It made me different, not weird, but different. I was the only one in my family to attend college, after many years of hard work end up with a JD....yes, I am different...and it is ok with me,,,what they think of me does not matter, I could care less. You see, my self worth comes from within, it is not dictated by what others think.

If you spend your life trying to mold yourself to others requirements you will never find happiness.

Live your life on your own terms, generate your own self worth, don't worry about being like them, you are who you are, embrace yourself, your choices.

Kahlia

I agree with DollyDo on all counts!!!!!

Blessings,
Kahlia

miamifella

"If everyone in society - 90% of the nation, for example - is an addict or codependent..."

That is a pretty big if. I suppose that if 90% of the nation had wings, the 10% who didn't would seem odd.

But 90% of the nation does not have wings or an addiction or are co-dependent. Until I became an addict myself in my late thirties I knew more people with MS than addicts and codependents.

I think because you grew up in that atmosphere, those are the people you are most comfortable with--so it seems like everyone is that way. I think most people do have problems, but not necessarily addiction and codependency.

ACOAHappyNow

I'm just feeling frustrated lately because my entire large family of origin seems to be very much into denial as a lifestyle, and I've seen it in the Army, too. (I was in the Army, now an Army wife.)

There are some times when I just feel very much the odd person out. I sure don't fit in with my family. Most of the time I think I'm right, but other times, I wonder if I'm wrong about things. That maybe denial is a better way of living. That maybe being out of touch with reality is preferable.

Willybluedog

My first wife and I used to fight constantly, our life was always in turmoil,she eventually cheated on me and we divorced.

I met the woman who was to become my current wife (and love of my life ans soul mate) and was very confused by the lack of drama in our relationship.

I asked my counselor about this and he said it was very common for people from dysfunctional families to seek out and marry other dysfunctional people and to fight off boredom with addicitive and co-dependent behavior rather than learning to live a normal life.

Please count your blessings that you have broken through to the other side of the mirror, you just have to say "I made it" I love my family but I will not be a participant in their "HIGH-DRAMA"!

You can do this, what you are doing right now is struggling with the recalibrating of your "normal"!


Hang in there, you remain in our thoughts...

dbh

A couple of years ago, I went through a crisis involving my alcoholic father. Luckily, I had just started my recovery work. It helped me deal with my past and get to a place were I could help my father get placed in a nursing home (which turned out to be healing for me). It also put me in a frame of mind were I was "sharing" with just about anyone who would listen.

What I found amazing was how many people I talked to had alcoholic parents and/or grandparents. I often wondered if I was just seeking out people with similar backgrounds.

A quick google search lead me to the following statistics (http://www.alcoholics-info.com/Stati...oholics.html):

• Approximately 14 million people in the U.S. are addicted to alcohol or abuse alcohol.
  
• An alcoholic will negatively impact the lives of 4 or 5 other Americans (such as associates, family, and friends) while under the influence of alcohol.
  
• 6.6 million American children under the age of 18 live in homes with at least one alcoholic parent.
  
• Approximately 43% of U.S. adults have had a child, parent, sibling or spouse who is or was an alcoholic.

So, it's not 90% but these are still fairly high numbers. The thought of 6.6 million American children living in a home with at least one alcoholic breaks my heart!

I have been in a place where I have wondered whether I'm actually the "crazy" one in my family. And while it's difficult to feel like the outsider, I was miserable when I was participating in the family's dysfunction. There is some quote about "The pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing" and that's exactly where I was when I landed in a therapist's office.

I used to hope that we could all become a healthy family together, but that's not going to happen. Right now, the coping strategies used by the members of my family of origin are working for them.

As much as I still mourn the lost of my family, there's really no turning back for me.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

InExile

Perhaps it's just that "codependency" and "addiction" are merely cultural constructs. As is being perceived as "wrong". I can imagine it must be horribly frustrating if the problems are as bad with those you know as the ones you mention in this thread, just keep in mind (please!!) that some people do get labeled as being "addicts for life" for what frequently is merely experimentation. I try to see it in context, but that's just me.

I mean honestly, according to the Southern Baptist side of my family the, well, Mediterranean/Middle Eastern side of my family was all doomed to failure simply because no one saw alcohol as a big deal, and were all predicted to end up dead in the gutter unemployed because of it---except that none of them were alcoholics or even heavy drinkers. No one lost jobs because of drinking on that side of the family.

Obviously the examples you bring up are different, but they're also examples of criminal activity. If whatever your family does is not OK with you, then it's just not OK. Period.

I agree with Miamifella, we aren't at those #s at all. You'll hopefully feel better once you're with people who just aren't doing these things! Good luck!

missg

It isn't a mistake that when we grow up in an alcoholic home that most of the people we know seem to be either addicted or codependent, both people close to the family growing up and those to whom we are attracted to, are attracted to us before we get into recovery. In fact, I believe that one can judge the progress of their recovery by how many fewer of such people one has in one's life as time goes on.

Several years ago, at the suggestion of a friend I took a piece of paper with a line down the middle. On one side I listed everyone in my life who 1) had problems with addiction or serious mental illness 2) was a codependent not in recovery 3) was a narcissicist. On the other side I put people who had what might be considered a normal range of everyday problems. People who were stable,kind and available for normal relationships.

Quel surprize. Lots of people on the dysfunctional list.Not many on the other one.

One by one I either severed or majorly detached from group one. I began to spend more time with group 2. The longer I spent with those people,also working on my recovery,the more of them there were.Now when I meet new people I take time to get to know them and consider which side of the paper they would go on. I'm pretty quick to move away from major dysfunction now.

Really, the world is amazingly full of people whose lives are not one big mess of self-involvement, choas and troubles and are available for real relationship. Healthy people attract other healthy people.Positive attracts positive (negative does the same).

Humans are social animals...we need other people. There is nothing wrong with being dependent on other people to meet some of your needs and vice versa. Caring about and helping other people is a good thing. 'Co-dependency' is a whole other not good thing.

Beware what you believe.If you believe that most people are addicts or codeps that is what you will attract and/or settle for. Today I choose not to go there.......