Willybluedog

Hi all,

I need to get some things off my chest and could use a boost.

Some many things have hit me lately, my alcoholic mom has been psycho since my dad pushed through a new Trust & Will, my dad pushed for me to be the sole trustee because my sisters husband has stolen from my parents on multiple occasions and my sister won't stand up to him.

Now my mom is punishing me for being the responsible one, she is promising to sell the family farm to anyone but me when my dad dies, to make me pay for accepting the trusteeship.

Also this Penn State abuse scandal and the video of the judge beating his diabled daughter have sent me into flashback mode of my physical and sexual abuse.

Additionally my cousin (abuser) just showed up at our family farm last night, he just moved back to our state from the east coast.

I finally told my dad either my cousin leaves and stays away forever or I will have to distance myself from the family.

My dad is a former drill sargeant (and thinks everything can be overcome with blood, sweat, and mental toughness), after my dad and I had terrible arguement (and the phrase "just get over it already" was used multiple times) Dad finally relented and told my cousin to leave and never come back.

All this has me so stressed, I got in a fight with another driver on the highway, I have been yelling at my kids, I cannot stop crying.

I feel like the workds biggest piece of crap because of the way I have been treating my family.

I cannot get into my therapist for 2 weeks and my psychiatrist for 3 weeks.

I am not suicidal, I just am really hurting right now.

Thanks for leeting me share, any suggestings for better ways to cope would be much appreciated.

Bill

dbh

I'm sorry for everything that you're dealing with right now.

I admire that you were able to stand up for yourself and set a boundary with your family. It's something that I still struggle with myself.

When I'm going through a difficult period, I remind myself that it's temporary and that I only need to take one day at a time.

I always look for the silver lining. I wonder what I can possible learn from my current challenges.

I pray, mediate, journal (helps a lot), take long walks, exercise, post, and see my therapist. When I tell my therapist it's an emergency, she can sometimes squeeze me in if she has a cancellation.

I have a close friend who is also an ACA. Having lunch or going to a movie with her also helps.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Hugs,

db

Willybluedog

Thanks so much dbh, normally I handle all this pretty well I guess it was kind of a perfect storm situation, plus my psychiatrist has been out with a hip replacement and cancelled our most recent sessions.

I will try your suggestions, thanks again for being there.

Bill

DesertEyes

Wow, Bill, you have a huge load of "stuff" going on there, and all at the same time.

So he put you in the middle of this? My parents did something very similar. My Dad left all his belongings to my uncle, specifically excluding his two wives, and my uncle left all his belongings to my Dad. Then they both died in the same week and I was the alternate.

Nothing stirs up a toxic family like Wills and inheritance "stuff".

It's like all the alkies in the world read the same book on how to hurt people. They all play the same games and try to hurt the people closest to them.

Awesome. Now that is fantastic recovery. You stood up for yourself and protected your own needs. Well done.

Well sure. You've got plenty reason to be stressed.

I roll up the windows in my truck and scream. When I need to cry I do it in the shower, nobody can hear me. Then I go and do something special just for me. Sometimes all I need is 10 seconds to take a deep breath and _not_ think of all the stress in my life. When I get home from work I step out of the garage and look at the trees across the street, just for 10 seconds.

Sometimes I'll take those 10 second breaks more than once a day Sometimes it can be like every 10 minutes, but the idea is to interrupt the thoughts racing thru my mind and replace them with something positive. Doesn't change the world, but it helps me prevent the "run away" effect that happens when I think about the stress over and over and over and that just _increases_ the stress.

Oh yeah, and another thought, if you want to you could just write a quit claim and refuse to be the trustee. You could even file it with _your_ lawyer and not tell anybody.

Anyway, I think you handled your Dad really well.

Mike

Willybluedog

Thanks Mike I really appreciate the support, I feel so torn with my dad, he has so much on his plate with my alcoholic mom and my alcoholic sister and her deadbeat husband that I hate to leave him hanging.

The small breaks are a great idea, I get so wrapped up in it that I forget to take a mental health break.

I will give it a shot, it really helps that you all are willing to listen.

Thanks,

Bill

doublewhammy

When it rains, it pours doesn't it?

I am so sorry to see you in such pain; it seems good people always get it the hardest.

I am proud of you for standing your ground with the cousin. That took a lot of guts, and an awful lot of energy in the midst of all the other chaos with your parents.

Try not to worry so much about your mother selling the farm; as we all know, most of this kind of talk from an alcoholic is all bluff! Don't call her bluff, but don't let it worry you to death either.

If you are able to, maybe try disengaging from them a bit. If it isn't absolutely necessary to talk, try not to for a little while until everyone calms down a little. Don't be afraid to tell everyone else, including your kids that you are going through a rough patch and apologize for being so easily ruffled.

I second the suggestion for a long walk.

I will be thinking of you.

Willybluedog

Thanks dw, you are always there with good advice when I need you.

Hope you and your family are doing great, you often in my thoughts, hope your dad is hanging in there.

Take care and have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.

Bill

GingerM

WBD, I'm not sure if you know my story or not, but my father is currently in jail and looking at what would amount to a life sentence in prison (if you're over 70, a 25 year sentence is probably a life sentence). I am taking care of my mom, who has dementia, and also trying to take care of my dad through other people. I'm not allowed to speak with him directly as I'm a state witness.

I relate to your stress. Boy do I relate to your stress!

I have no magic answer for how to let go of enough of it to not snap and snarl at the world. Like DesertEyes, I take frequent short 'mental breaks' throughout the day. It's not enough to make me feel like things are stable, but it's enough to keep me from dropping off the edge into insanity. I desperately try to get enough sleep. On the rare occasion when I do, I'm always amazed at how much more grounded I feel. Sleep deprivation is highly underrated as a source of insanity.

I write a journal that is letters to my dad, saying all the things I can't say to him now. That helps diffuse a lot of the crap I drag around with me otherwise. I go to the bathroom probably more often than I really need to at work - just to sit and be left alone for a few minutes. I actually do the same thing at home because there are other people in my household who need me too. I claim it's IBS, but really? It's just me taking a moment to let my mind go blank and take a few deep breaths and remind myself that this won't last forever - someone is going to die eventually, right?

A friend of mine gave me a stern talking-to on Monday, reminding me to not "line up all the horrible in the world". He means not to project out too far into the future and take all the awful in the world and look at it all at once - that's crazy making.

I'm following the "one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time" philosophy almost as zealously as any religion in the world. I repeat it to myself when I start "lining up the horribles".

We can only do so much in the world, it sounds like you have a lot going on. One day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time if you have to. This too shall pass.

Willybluedog

Ginger, thank you so much for the support and excellent advice.

I try to get enough sleep but I was in a near fatal accident a few years ago and struggle with chronic pain, a good nights sleep usually only results from way to much darvon (which I refuse to use on any kind of a regular basis).

I am so sorry about yhour situation, I cannot imagine trying to take care of an elderly parent and work full time.

I try to stay positive and generally do a good job at it, I was just like being trapped in a avalanche this week.

Thanks again for the advice, I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts.

Bill

Kialua

You have said you haven't gone non contact with your AM yet. It might need to happen in the future. If not physically then at least emotionally. That's how I dealt with my parents, emotional distance. I never expected one thing from them. Maybe you shouldn't expect anything from your Mother if your Father dies first. My AF gave his only asset, a $20,000 bass boat, to a drinking buddy instead of letting my brothers sell it.

And maybe you should remind your Dad that in the event of his death he should not leave valuables, like the farm, to his alcoholic wife unless he doesn't care what happens to them.

Don't you just hate the "get over it" line. My favored sisters use that one all the time. They discount any communication and shut it down with that one. Glad you were able to get through to him.

I had the same thoughts when I saw that abuse video. What a smart girl, but still it took her years to show it. I had to turn it off and avoid seeing it. Saying a prayer for you. Hope you can remain calm through your perfect storm. It never helps to kick the dog or yell at the kids does it?

Willybluedog

Thanks Kialua,

I begged my dad not to make me the trustee, he said that I am the only one he trusts to take care of things and make sure my mom does not go homeless because she drank and gambled away all her money.

I asked them not to leave us anything, I told him I did not want their money, I am trying to buy the family farm from them before something happens to him but she is intent on blocking the sale just to keep me from having it, I am amazed that she can claim to love me and yet be so evil towards me.

Thanks for the prayers, I am doing better now that I have been able to share this with people who understand and get thier advice.

Bill

Impurrfect

(((Bill))) - sorry you've been having a rough week. Your mom is doing what "we" A's (I'm in recovery, so don't DO it any more) do - throwing a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old who doesn't get their way.

I'm really proud of you for standing up to your dad about the cousin. My XABF#1's brother was a retired drill sargeant and he and I did NOT get along so I understand the "get over it" attitude.

Hope you get some "me" time and a bit of a break from the family stuff. I usually get in my car, turn up the music and sing like crazy to something I like when stuff gets crazy at home.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Willybluedog

Hey Amy, thanks and so glad to hear from you, are you doing ok, how is school going?

I don't understand my moms reaction, I guess maybe she is mad because my alcoholic sister and her dirtbag husband were not named trustees, who knows, I wish I could get some kind of a handle on where she is coming from.

Anyway hearing from all of you has been a shot in the arm for me, I feel so much better knowing that you all have been down this road and still forge ahead.

Thanks for the hugs,

Bill

Kialua

Well what's to understand, the Alcoholics in our life never do what we hope. In fact she is acting up to par, just what one would expect. Uncooperative and irresponsible just like a child. She wants it all so she can squander it like a child. Gird yourself and expect this behavior.

You mentioned you can't believe she loves you when she acts like this but this is just how the Alcoholic acts. After each drunken beating I got my Dad would be sorry and tell me how much he loved me the next day. Their expression of love is not adult but childlike, when they get mad they act out, when they get sober they are sorry and love you. And so it goes. Hang in there, don't let her craziness get to you. Glad you are doing better already.

dollydo

Good Grief, lots of stress and turmoil right now in your life. This too will pass, sometimes people just bump their gums, it makes them feel in control.

I have gotton "stuck" with the family inheritence thinghy 3 times so far, and have two more coming down the pike. I am selected because I am trustworthy and have legal experience, however, family law is not my speciality, reorganization and bankruptcy is...go figure. It can be a real headache, all you can do is to be fair and follow the wishes of the deceased to the letter of the law.

My mother is almost 86, she is an alcoholic. One mean, nasty person, who does everything in her power to make me and my brothers life a living hell. You'll never understand your mothers behavior, she is mentally ill, that's what years of drinking can do to a person. Let it go, don't attempt to project into the future, it is counterproductive.

Happy that you are in better spirits, keep smiling...everyone will wonder what you are up to!

GingerM

Yup. That's where I am right now, only no one's dead. I'm supposed to keep my mom housed and fed, while figuring out where, from their estate, to pull the money for the lawyers.

It's a heckuva burden. It stinks. And it isn't easy.

One thing I tell myself repeatedly (think "mantra") is that I survived this far because I'm resilient. I am the "responsible" one in the family because I'm strong. The combination of strong and resilient will get me through this as well.

"Getting through it" does not mean "rainbows and unicorns". It doesn't mean I'll enjoy it or that it will be easy or that I will think of this as a happy time in my life. It means I will survive it, relatively intact and still able to function on my own. That's what recovery is about, right? Learning how to stay focused on me so that all the crazy going on around me doesn't impact me in the long run.

Of course as it plays out, it's going to impact me. I'm a manager, we're hiring people as our business is growing. Today, in the middle of an interview, a lawyer called me to talk about the case. Monday I met with a different lawyer. None of that makes life any easier to live, lemme tell ya. But I survived it. And I keep plugging away at life, and do the best I can at being a person who I can look at in the mirror and think "You're a good human being in a world full of crazies. Good on ya!" As long as I still see that in the mirror, I'll be fine.

If things ever get to the point where I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore, it will be time for some more significant changes. Meanwhile, I see my therapist once a week (more if needed) and I do my best to keep my head on straight, because me joining the rest of the crazies isn't going to make anything any better for me or them.

*sigh* I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this and I hope you can find your way through all of it with your dignity and self-respect intact. I figure if I can manage that, then things will be as good as I could possibly expect.

Willybluedog

Thank you all for yuour support, it means the world to me, as soon as I started hearing from everyone I felt loads better.

They insurance has finally approved me for a therapist, I am so looking forward to my first session.

Everyone have a great weekend, I am hittting the woods for a little "quiet reflection".

Bless you all,

Bill

dbh

I LOVE this affirmation! :-)

db

Willybluedog

Once again thanks to all of you who propped me up after I "went in the ditch" a couple of weeks ago. I am feeling so much better, the flashbacks and nightmares have subsided dramatically.

I met with my new therapist today and had a really great session, I really think she is going to be a great help to me.

In preparation for our meeting I wrote her a letter introducing myself and outlining the watershed moments over my life, what a cleansing thing that was for me, seeing all that nastiness on paper.

I feel like I shrugged off a giant wet coat and stepped out into the warm sun to dry off.

Thanks again,

Bill

Willybluedog

Once again thanks to all of you who propped me up after I "went in the ditch" a couple of weeks ago. I am feeling so much better, the flashbacks and nightmares have subsided dramatically.

I met with my new therapist today and had a really great session, I really think she is going to be a great help to me.

In preparation for our meeting I wrote her a letter introducing myself and outlining the watershed moments over my life, what a cleansing thing that was for me, seeing all that nastiness on paper.

I feel like I shrugged off a giant wet coat and stepped out into the warm sun to dry off.

Thanks again,

Bill