Kassie2

This is a bit off topic but I am posting because the dynamics of living with an A are resurfacing in my job now and I need ESH to apply to another area of my life.

While work has been supportive through my separation and divorce of my XAH who still works there I am faced with a new challenge. I have a new supervisor who is turning out to be so different from all the past ones! (In a bad way) I find myself "reacting" to what I consider to be unreasonable demands, threats about job performance issues, no support, and rigid thinking.

I have been at this job for many almost 20 years - expected to retire here. In my whole career no one has ever had a problem with my work. I was feeling threatened and emotionally out of control until I turned to my alanon and ACA material for possible answers for coping with the situation.

I realized that the same char traits or flaws (or whatever you want to call them) that permitted me to continue in a certain pattern of behavior and choices to marry an A, did not go away just because we are divorced. I discovered that my current job is included or perhaps it is just this new person. So, I am posting to work on my detachment and to continue my recovery learning.

I discovered that the way my supervisor dictates demands triggers my fears and inadequacies. While she is not verbally demeaning - I interpret her actions to be so - for instance she emails these demands/requests vs talking to me face to face. I ask for problem solving ways to accommodate and am flatly told this is how it will be done now. She has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with suggestions of how things have always been done (and BTW worked).

Just a few examples but my aim is to find my detachment skills and dig out my self affirmations. I feel unsupported, threatened, overwhelmed, angry and controlled. It makes it harder to do my job and I feel it is crazy making. That is when I realized "if I feel things are out of control and crazy making then perhaps they are". Thanks for listening.

Freedom1990

First of all, I don't feel your post is off topic at all. It's important that we work our program of recovery in all areas of our life, including work!

I think you are right on target in working on your self affirmations given the tactics of this latest supervisor.

I recall one supervisor I had while working at Casey's General Store who basically had terrible supervisory skills.

She acknowledged no one's hard work. She also refused to address problem employees who made the work load worse for others. Instead she would call a meeting of all employees and lecture the lot of us on what needed to be done, as opposed to directly confronting the problem employees. It liked to drove me nuts until I decided it was detach, detach, detach. Nothing was going to change.

Later on she was actually fired. I was long gone by then, but found some satisfaction in finding that out from a friend who still worked there.

It's hard not to take it personally when it's a supervisor at work, but I have to remember people can come with a load of personal issues that bleed over into their performance/attitudes at work.

I have one at work right now who is a chronic whiner, has three dysfunctional adult kids who walk all over her, and I sit beside her! It's a real challenge to not let that affect my work day.

Sending you hugs of support!

chicory

((((((Kassie)))))

I recently went through kind of what you are going through. We got a new front end manager at work. She came in, changed things, was unapproachable and rigid. I took some of this very personally. What I am finding is, she was also in an uncomfortable position. She was walking into a job where she knew that her authority would be challenged. She had to get to know so many new people and some were very unwelcoming. wanted things to stay the same. It was her job to come in and implement some changes, but many just saw it as her being bossy and inflexible.

to put it into a short sentence-maybe give it some time, and try not to take it personally. She may be finding herself in a tough position, where she might not feel wanted or respected as knowing anything. I would not want to be in her position. I would find it hard to make changes without putting up a wall of toughness. just like i cant speak my mind usually,until i am ready to cry in anger.

give this some time honey. it will probably smooth out. maybe let her know that you respect that she is in charge, and that you are willing to do things in the way she would like them done.

dont knw if this was helpful, but it has helped me . i let this lady know i was not her enemy, and that i would give her the respect due. it has been tough, since she seemed a tyrant at first and gave me a hard time. i kept my head, and did my job and I think she sees now that I will be someone she can count on to help, cause she needs cooperation, to do her job .

hugs, hope it gets easier soon.
love
chicory

painterman

I agree with chicory, it sounds to me like the new person wants to assert their authority and show they are in control. If you are still efficient at your job, and it sounds like you are, then you should have nothing to worry about-apart from some structural changes which you are mature enough to deal with.
This is probably nothing compared to your earlier problems! all the best

Pelican

I also find that my tool belt from Alanon is needed in the work place.

I am currently in a period of adjustment as the company implements a pilot program. Read: major changes.

The serenity prayer helps:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

I have re-acted in the past to changes at work. It ended as a power struggle and was a very stressful period. I don't want to re-peat that class to avoid learning a new life lesson my HP is sending my way. Yet, at the same time - I don't want to feel unsupported, angry, controlled, threatened and overwhelmed.

I am trying to be the fish that swims with the current. It is possible that my HP is sending me into a better pool of water......I will wait until more is revealed.

I believe this topic is relevant to all our lives as we continue to grow and strengthen in our recoveries. I believe we continue to learn from the experiences of our recovery friends as we all face life's challenges with awareness, acceptance and action.

I may not have solutions, but I am sending you support, encouragement and (((Hugs))). You are respected, appreciated, and loved!

Kassie2

(((freedom))) Thanks for sharing your experience. This is a great example to remind me that I am not the only one who goes through these things. While my co workers seem to be bulking too - they tend to complain their way through things like this making it harder to talk to them. Most are not in a recovery program but need one.
This has been the sixth supervisor in six years but they don't get fired - they leave because they can't take it. This person seems like a "stayer" so hopes of her leaving are not on the radar.

(((chicory))) Thanks so much for your kind words and reminder that I am not alone also. I think I did try that tactic as I often start out as the "welcoming committee" at work - offering support and guidance to new staff about how to manage the challenging parts of our environment. I am not alone in doing this as one administrator does this also - however, she has backed out at this point and so have I.

I will do the job as she requests to the best of my ability but I am reminding myself that I don't have to overdo it. I am setting my limits with overttime (that does not get paid for) I am reclaiming my time at work within the schedule given. I will always offer respect to anyone but am trying to determine what is appropriate in setting boundaries with an authority figure.

One example: I called out sick because I was sick. Make sense so far... lol When I came back I was informed that it was a requirement to have a MD note (which it isn't except in certain cases and I already know when) - then I was informed that it is my responsibility when out sick to not only call work but to complete certain work responsibilities anyway! I have never had to do this before and I told her that when I am out sick I cannot work otherwise I would come in. I am entitled to sick time and didn't think I had to do anything since it is time off?!? She just reiterated her words and "offered" to take my "concern" to her supervisor. I was taken back but decided this was a no brainer - I suggested that they come up with alternate solution and I would work with them on that if they wanted. It has not come up again. But can you imagine? I don't have the kind of job where I am on call or anything. I am really wondering where she comes from? Mars? (not meant to offend the planets) ( LOL)

Freedom1990

I needed to hear this so very much today. With my current position at work being a temporary worker, the future is very uncertain. I like your line of thinking. Thank you!

Tuffgirl

Yeesh - where do you work?!

I am a supervisor and I can assure you the best motivator of employees is to treat them with respect and dignity. My admin staff would go the extra mile for me not because I ask them to, but because I don't. I ask them to get the job done in whatever way they deem doable - I don't care about the process, just the end product. I don't care how much or how little time it takes, just that it is done and done well.

I don't blame you for reacting here. I would to. We are not children for cryin out loud! Oh I could rant on and on about this...there are a lot of supervisors in the world who got promoted because they were simply the last man standing, not because they are competent and qualified leaders.

Find you peace in this one if you intend to stay. Maybe she'll be gone before you retire!

Kassie2

(((tuff girl))) I will say that worked for all the other supers is that they let us each decide how to get the job done and just got out of the way. The previous one did stress the need for conformity at one point but she negotiated with us. I recall giving up what I wanted at the time if it made things go smoother. In the end, we were allowed to keep things the same. This is what irks me! The job gets done - it gets done efficiently - the place makes its money and is surviving because of it - why would someone one to change that????

Kassie2

(((pelican))) your post came at the same time I was posting a response so I didn't get to see it. I started to re-enact old behaviors and felt a power struggle going on inside which is how I finally recognized that it was my issue and an old familiar pattern.

With recovery tools in hand, I have managed to write down some alternative responses and will be open if it means a change for me - after all, I may need to change this pattern further for my own sake. Thanks for the reminder and back up.

LifeRecovery

Thank you for this post.

I had a new boss start about six months before I started Al-anon. He can be kind of a bully, but it was not until I was in Al-anon about six months and a co-worker mentioned it that I realized that.

The principles of recovery have helped me so much with detaching, standing up for myself in a loving way, and being grounded.

I don't love my new work situation, but recovery has made it tolerable.