Thlayli

I'm not good at being angry...or maybe just not good at acknowledging that I am. I'm not sure which. My family doesn't do anger. My parents never fight and I've rarely ever see them disagree so I'm sure that's where some of my issue comes from. I have wonderful parents who have been happily married for about 45 years but have somehow managed to raise 2 codie daughters. No substance abuse issues in the family that any of us can figure out.

Anyway...I'm thinking I should probably be mad at AH but I'm mostly just feeling very sad for him. I have spurts of anger when I see something that reminds me of something happy (like some puppets we had bought together that I found in the car). I'll stomp around for a few minutes saying "F*** you, f*** you, f*** you!" (to nobody...he may have left me for good I'm not sure) but then I finish and just move on.

Am I going to get more angry? Do I need to? His anger has always been something that scares me although he's never done anything physically because of it. All he is lately is a big ball of anger and it makes me sad for him. Maybe I need to be angrier at him for being angry and mean (actions/words)?

What are/were your experiences with anger?

cmc

Growing up with people who didn't express anger, I had no healthy example to follow. To them, anger was a shameful thing that only revealed one's weakness and/or lack of control.

Starting during my teenage years I've been lifted out of that prison by being involved with people of faith, receiving counseling and being involved in my own recovery by going to 12 step meetings and coming here- I've enjoyed a tremendous freedom allowing me to respond to or even to 'feel' my emotions in the first place. The best counselor I've ever known taught me that my emotions are tools.

These days anger...lets me know that there is or might be d-anger ahead; and therefore I see it as a life-saving gift if I allow myself to learn to change those things that are within my control and accept what is not. (my paraphrased version of the Serenity Prayer)

Seren

Yeah, my family didn't "do" angry very well, either. They would hold it in, hold it in, hold it in, then completely explode all over the nearest person. I, too, used to think I was a "bad" person if I was angry.

Now....I know that anger is an emotion just like any other. There is not right or wrong to it. What gets us in trouble is how we deal with our anger. I've learned constructive ways to deal with my anger, now....although I'm not perfect.

Journaling helped me a lot! So does exercise and the occasional scream-fest inside my car!!!

Hugs, HG

akrasia

Sounds like he's one of those people who make a big performance out of their "anger," the kind who use the "but I'm *angry*" schtick as an excuse for bullying.

Just because he works himself into rages doesn't mean his experience of anger is any more intense and genuine than, say, yours, or that of any other person.

You might be feeling some anger (hence your post) mixed in with sadness, but you're like, "Huh, I don't feel like raging out of control like my AH does." That's because you're not a jerk.

Freedom1990

Anger was not allowed in the home as I was growing up, though there was always an undercurrent of it running through the household.

I struggled with anger for a long time.

Today I recognize that it's okay to be angry sometimes, and what I do to handle that anger is what makes the difference.

Often times my anger is masking fear or pain. It's easier to put people at arm's length through anger than to expose my vulnerable underbelly and acknowledge the fear or pain.

LifeRecovery

I struggled with anger too. I never saw it but as either not present or in a complete rage in my family with no other in between.

Counseling helped to make it not be a "bad" emotion for me, but one that I learned was telling me something. Anger for me is no longer the problem. Sometimes anger leads to behaviors in me I don't love, but I am working on that.

It took me awhile to get angry with my loved one. It helped me to realize that is part of the normal stage of grief (when I was not or when I was feeling those feelings).