Ann

Into Orbit

It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.
—Codependent No More

I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .

These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.

This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.

We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.

The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.

Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."

The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

This is one of my favourite readings from Language of Letting Go.

When I found out my son was addicted, I really thought that if I loved him enough, if I gave him a safe place to live and good food to eat in a home filled with love...if I encouraged him and drove him to meetings and picked him up and prayed for him and helped him find his way...I really thought that maybe I could save him.

How wrong I was. Life doesn't work that way, we can't fix what isn't ours to fix. We can't control others and we can't control their choices, good or bad.

I tried for years and years to be "the one" because I thought there was nobody else. What I forgot was that he was in charge of his own destiny and the rest was between him and God.

Today I am grateful to be grounded on earth, no longer in orbit trying to run the universe. It's much nicer this way and I sleep better.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Oh boy Ann.....this one struck a cord.

I thought I was "the one". And evidently I am.

According to the addicts in my life I am the one who......

.....made their lives miserable.
.....is responsible for everything that has gone wrong in their lives.
.....can't seem to see that drugs aren't the problem...I am.
.....doesn't seem to be able to communicate or understand them.
.....is powerful enough to make their lives total misery.
.....can't accept them for who they are.
.....is crazy because I can't "relax" enough to get high.
.....is unable to reason.

I'm just not "the one" that I thought I was! lol

Thanks for sharing this. It made me smile this morning.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

Powerful story, CO. Although my addict is my son, after years of running around trying to save him and having night terrors when I slept...one day I just woke up and realized that I could not do one more day of that and I didn't.

I may be a slow learner, but I am grateful that the lesson finally got through.