Weny to family night at Rehab last night
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Weny to family night at Rehab last night
My husband is at day 8 out of 28.
The majority of people in treatment were young, like under 22. There were maybe 6 people there over the age of 35 (my husband is 49). The in house people sat together and it reminded me of church camp. I look at this I remember what happened at church camp. You leave and you are filled with "Gods spirit" for about a week and then you fall back into your life. Yes, yes I know that is what followup treatment is for after they leave. But for the adults in the program they need to go back to work and the land of bills and pressure. The kids just fall back at home with mom and dad easing the way.
My husband's sisters joined me there and they had the same observation.
My husband left a huge financial mess that I am trying the clean up. Meeting with attorneys. Juggling bills, borrowing money, selling things on ebay. My anxiety levels are off the chart. When we had a few minutes to talk not once did he ask how I was. Yes, I realize that he is concentrating on his recovery but it is like he has reverted to being one of the program kids.
What will happen when he comes home?
The majority of people in treatment were young, like under 22. There were maybe 6 people there over the age of 35 (my husband is 49). The in house people sat together and it reminded me of church camp. I look at this I remember what happened at church camp. You leave and you are filled with "Gods spirit" for about a week and then you fall back into your life. Yes, yes I know that is what followup treatment is for after they leave. But for the adults in the program they need to go back to work and the land of bills and pressure. The kids just fall back at home with mom and dad easing the way.
My husband's sisters joined me there and they had the same observation.
My husband left a huge financial mess that I am trying the clean up. Meeting with attorneys. Juggling bills, borrowing money, selling things on ebay. My anxiety levels are off the chart. When we had a few minutes to talk not once did he ask how I was. Yes, I realize that he is concentrating on his recovery but it is like he has reverted to being one of the program kids.
What will happen when he comes home?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by winnie1202 
What will happen when he comes home?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
What will happen when he comes home?
He will have to get a job, pay for his room and board and pay his family as MUCH as he can, while he continues to 'adjust' to living Clean and Sober. He will slowly 'earn' 'privileges' as in being able to go visit his family for a day or weekend. He will be 'required' to participate in the house activities of CHORES, COOKING, WASHING, etc X NUMBER OF MEETINGS A WEEK, etc
Also living in that type of environment will also quickly teach the newly sober and clean how to act and react differently and how to deal better with all the emotions they have no idea what to do with.
It is something to be considered, as having someone come home who is 30 days sober can and many times is MORE stressful than when they were still practicing.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Being an adult
What bothered me the most was the "self involvement". Don't get me wrong. I know he has to look inward to help himself but I living with a bunch of kids with no responsibilities or life "baggage", to me, doesn't help him evolve into a mature adult.
When they are drinking all alcoholics are concerned about is themselves. Everyone else can fend for themselves as far as they are concerned. To me, putting them into a situation where the only thing they talk about is themselves and THEIR feelings, THEIR addiction 24/7 does not prepare them for life among the living. The "living" are left to clean up the mess. Alanon does not encourage give and take conversations with other members so the "living" are left to sort out their own feelings and thoughts after working all day, groceries picked up, bills paid (not), dinner cooked, the kids homework reviewed, laundry done, house picked up, animals fed. Ok, now we can get retrospective for the 5 minutes before we collapse in bed.
Maybe I need to go into a recovery house, so I can just sit around and talk about my feelings all day, have my meals cooked and remove myself from the world. Can you read "angry" in this post?
When they are drinking all alcoholics are concerned about is themselves. Everyone else can fend for themselves as far as they are concerned. To me, putting them into a situation where the only thing they talk about is themselves and THEIR feelings, THEIR addiction 24/7 does not prepare them for life among the living. The "living" are left to clean up the mess. Alanon does not encourage give and take conversations with other members so the "living" are left to sort out their own feelings and thoughts after working all day, groceries picked up, bills paid (not), dinner cooked, the kids homework reviewed, laundry done, house picked up, animals fed. Ok, now we can get retrospective for the 5 minutes before we collapse in bed.
Maybe I need to go into a recovery house, so I can just sit around and talk about my feelings all day, have my meals cooked and remove myself from the world. Can you read "angry" in this post?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Alanon does not encourage give and take conversations with other members so the "living" are left to sort out their own feelings and thoughts after working all day, groceries picked up, bills paid (not), dinner cooked, the kids homework reviewed, laundry done, house picked up, animals fed.
This has not been my experience. There is no crosstalk during the sharings, but there is lots of give and take during breaks, after meetings, with members by phone or email and a lot of members have sponsers. (I don't.) I socialize with some members and sometimes it is an "Alanon" evening and sometimes it's just for fun.
Not all groups are the same. Maybe the group you tried wasn't a good fit for you. I've been to different groups that were excellent and some that I didn't like at all.
This has not been my experience. There is no crosstalk during the sharings, but there is lots of give and take during breaks, after meetings, with members by phone or email and a lot of members have sponsers. (I don't.) I socialize with some members and sometimes it is an "Alanon" evening and sometimes it's just for fun.
Not all groups are the same. Maybe the group you tried wasn't a good fit for you. I've been to different groups that were excellent and some that I didn't like at all.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Our meetings are an hour and I am usually there for another 30 to 40 minutes after every meeting just talking. Sometimes its al-anon stuff, sometimes its deal with issues last week it was me bs'ing with another former Marine about our time in the Corps. As Winnie said there are also sponsors and phone lists.
This place is also a great place to vent and get advice. Some of the best stuff I have picked up in my recovery has been from my friends here on the forum.
Your friend,
This place is also a great place to vent and get advice. Some of the best stuff I have picked up in my recovery has been from my friends here on the forum.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Winnie
See if you can find my first post that I ever wrote on here. That is what
I went thru during my xah stay at rehab.
While mine was in rehab I told him, "Damn, how come I dont get a spa day/month?"
They are in rehab for themselves, not for you! That is a tough one to understand
at first. Took me months to understand that one. When I didnt understand it, thats
where I easily felt & could say, "You selfish little *******"...
You have to learn, It is all about YOU right now.
How do you do that? Alanon Classes, Educating Yourself About Alcoholism, Keep Posting and reading on this site
Trust me, the light will come on...Might take a couple of months, but do yourself
a favor....GET YOURSELF SOME HELP NOW!!!!
All of your emotions and feelings are about to get crazier than crazy!!!
If you dont understand something, ASK!!!
I know its hard to ask a question sometimes because you think people wont understand...
That wont happen in a Alanon class or on this site.
That will happen when you try to explain your story to a person that has never lived
with an alcoholic.
When you walk into a Alanon class, you dont have to explain to anyone, why
your tears are pouring down your face..We all know why they are there!
Everyone will tell you, go to Alanon and you might feel that you need it or dont understand why. Once you start to go, your light will come on, and then you will
understand why you need to be there.
We rat-hole alot of feelings inside of us, and it is to our best interest to unleash
them, deal with them and learn to heal, so we can go on living with or without
the alcoholic in our lives..
It is a FREE self healing program, it is called: ALANON
Cant stress to you enough, find a class near you!!!!
See if you can find my first post that I ever wrote on here. That is what
I went thru during my xah stay at rehab.
While mine was in rehab I told him, "Damn, how come I dont get a spa day/month?"
They are in rehab for themselves, not for you! That is a tough one to understand
at first. Took me months to understand that one. When I didnt understand it, thats
where I easily felt & could say, "You selfish little *******"...
You have to learn, It is all about YOU right now.
How do you do that? Alanon Classes, Educating Yourself About Alcoholism, Keep Posting and reading on this site
Trust me, the light will come on...Might take a couple of months, but do yourself
a favor....GET YOURSELF SOME HELP NOW!!!!
All of your emotions and feelings are about to get crazier than crazy!!!
If you dont understand something, ASK!!!
I know its hard to ask a question sometimes because you think people wont understand...
That wont happen in a Alanon class or on this site.
That will happen when you try to explain your story to a person that has never lived
with an alcoholic.
When you walk into a Alanon class, you dont have to explain to anyone, why
your tears are pouring down your face..We all know why they are there!
Everyone will tell you, go to Alanon and you might feel that you need it or dont understand why. Once you start to go, your light will come on, and then you will
understand why you need to be there.
We rat-hole alot of feelings inside of us, and it is to our best interest to unleash
them, deal with them and learn to heal, so we can go on living with or without
the alcoholic in our lives..
It is a FREE self healing program, it is called: ALANON
Cant stress to you enough, find a class near you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Oh and just so ya know what my angry is...
I thought about things that would burn the fastest, like toliet paper and dryer lint
Of course, I would of liked to stick them between his toes when he was passed out!
Angry...it's all part of it
Im going on 8 months from it all, and I still have angry days but atleast
now, I can see the beautiful sunshine that is in front of me, instead
of a drunken blur...It all takes time...
I thought about things that would burn the fastest, like toliet paper and dryer lint
Of course, I would of liked to stick them between his toes when he was passed out!
Angry...it's all part of it
Im going on 8 months from it all, and I still have angry days but atleast
now, I can see the beautiful sunshine that is in front of me, instead
of a drunken blur...It all takes time...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I was angry and I felt abandoned when he went into rehab. He was getting LOTS of support so I had to get myself lots of support too. I go to therapy, al-anon, read, weekends away, etc.
They have to do that internal work before they can even begin to repair the damage, emotional or otherwise though.
We are not together anymore but I am relieved he is about to complete his program and is doing quite well. What the future holds for us in anyone's guess but rehab won't magically fix everything internally or externally.
I'm thankful my life is fairly intact but he has to rebuild after that cushy support system goes away. It won't be easy.
But I felt a lot like you... what about me? You gotta take care of yourself and treat yourself well.
They have to do that internal work before they can even begin to repair the damage, emotional or otherwise though.
We are not together anymore but I am relieved he is about to complete his program and is doing quite well. What the future holds for us in anyone's guess but rehab won't magically fix everything internally or externally.
I'm thankful my life is fairly intact but he has to rebuild after that cushy support system goes away. It won't be easy.
But I felt a lot like you... what about me? You gotta take care of yourself and treat yourself well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You've got a lot more to learn about Alanon...
...you may be right about a specific meeting, but you couldn't be more wrong about Alanon. You've heard of sponsors, right? What, exactly, do you think it is you do with a sponsor? Sit there and listen without speaking? Do what they tell you to do without talking about it? What do you suppose happens before and after the meetings? People working the program won't give you advice, but they will dialog with you, make suggestions, and share experience, strength, and hope.
I have lived your pain and worry, and I did it for many years. I am very sympathetic to where you are in your life today. I lost everything including cars and two houses, and my entire life savings and had to start over again at 44 years old.
But, you could not be more wrong about Alanon. Give it a chance, find more than one meeting because they aren't all the same. If you are capable of giving yourself over to the program I believe your life will improve. Many of us are control freaks and have difficulty with this, and if that applies to you I'd encourage you to acknowledge that about yourself and open your mind.
If you can't, in my opinion things are unlikely to change for you, whether your husband is drinking or not.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
P.s. I felt that same way about my wife's program, especially when she relapsed so quickly after coming home. HOWEVER, years later it was the things she learned in that same program that helped her find sobriety when she was in fact ready to live life without alcohol. It didn't happen on my schedule, but it happened. At least that's true today. We'll see what tomorrow brings... it is, in fact, one day at a time.
I have lived your pain and worry, and I did it for many years. I am very sympathetic to where you are in your life today. I lost everything including cars and two houses, and my entire life savings and had to start over again at 44 years old.
But, you could not be more wrong about Alanon. Give it a chance, find more than one meeting because they aren't all the same. If you are capable of giving yourself over to the program I believe your life will improve. Many of us are control freaks and have difficulty with this, and if that applies to you I'd encourage you to acknowledge that about yourself and open your mind.
If you can't, in my opinion things are unlikely to change for you, whether your husband is drinking or not.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
P.s. I felt that same way about my wife's program, especially when she relapsed so quickly after coming home. HOWEVER, years later it was the things she learned in that same program that helped her find sobriety when she was in fact ready to live life without alcohol. It didn't happen on my schedule, but it happened. At least that's true today. We'll see what tomorrow brings... it is, in fact, one day at a time.
Originally Posted by winnie1202
What bothered me the most was the "self involvement". Don't get me wrong. I know he has to look inward to help himself but I living with a bunch of kids with no responsibilities or life "baggage", to me, doesn't help him evolve into a mature adult.
When they are drinking all alcoholics are concerned about is themselves. Everyone else can fend for themselves as far as they are concerned. To me, putting them into a situation where the only thing they talk about is themselves and THEIR feelings, THEIR addiction 24/7 does not prepare them for life among the living. The "living" are left to clean up the mess. Alanon does not encourage give and take conversations with other members so the "living" are left to sort out their own feelings and thoughts after working all day, groceries picked up, bills paid (not), dinner cooked, the kids homework reviewed, laundry done, house picked up, animals fed. Ok, now we can get retrospective for the 5 minutes before we collapse in bed.
Maybe I need to go into a recovery house, so I can just sit around and talk about my feelings all day, have my meals cooked and remove myself from the world. Can you read "angry" in this post?
When they are drinking all alcoholics are concerned about is themselves. Everyone else can fend for themselves as far as they are concerned. To me, putting them into a situation where the only thing they talk about is themselves and THEIR feelings, THEIR addiction 24/7 does not prepare them for life among the living. The "living" are left to clean up the mess. Alanon does not encourage give and take conversations with other members so the "living" are left to sort out their own feelings and thoughts after working all day, groceries picked up, bills paid (not), dinner cooked, the kids homework reviewed, laundry done, house picked up, animals fed. Ok, now we can get retrospective for the 5 minutes before we collapse in bed.
Maybe I need to go into a recovery house, so I can just sit around and talk about my feelings all day, have my meals cooked and remove myself from the world. Can you read "angry" in this post?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Originally Posted by winnie1202
My husband left a huge financial mess that I am trying the clean up. Meeting with attorneys. Juggling bills, borrowing money, selling things on ebay. My anxiety levels are off the chart.
When we had a few minutes to talk not once did he ask how I was.
There's no excuse for him not even asking how you're doing. Somehow that's the worst bit of the story for me.
And you're right, the hard part is you don't even know whether it will stick or whether it's all a colossal waste of time.
If I were you, I would talk with a friend or therapist and just lay out for yourself what you'll do if he relapses. A detailed plan, like, "If he starts again, I've got the divorce attorney on speed-dial and I'm going to ask them to issue an injunction so he stays away from family home. Then I've got the savings in place, etc."
You don't have to share it with him, and indeed you may never have to enact it. But it's there, so you don't have to fret.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Akrasia
That is exactly how i feel. I am working too hard to hold it together while he is in rehab only to have him fall off the wagon and it is all gone. I am so done and I can't keep dragging myself, kids, my family and his through this crap again. I am fortunate that his family understands and has been supportive and would understand perfectly if we split. And I do have a plan in place when he comes home. IF he does relapse there are no more chances. The divorce lawyer is on speed dial. The only difference from your suggestion is I will tell him this as he finishes up his 28 days. That there are no more chances. That it is time to be an adult. It is time to take responsibility for all of his actions. And if he wants to drink and live a sad life, alone, unemployed (his job will only take him back if he completes the 28 days and stays on program) like a bum in his sister's extra apartment that is his choice.
That is exactly how i feel. I am working too hard to hold it together while he is in rehab only to have him fall off the wagon and it is all gone. I am so done and I can't keep dragging myself, kids, my family and his through this crap again. I am fortunate that his family understands and has been supportive and would understand perfectly if we split. And I do have a plan in place when he comes home. IF he does relapse there are no more chances. The divorce lawyer is on speed dial. The only difference from your suggestion is I will tell him this as he finishes up his 28 days. That there are no more chances. That it is time to be an adult. It is time to take responsibility for all of his actions. And if he wants to drink and live a sad life, alone, unemployed (his job will only take him back if he completes the 28 days and stays on program) like a bum in his sister's extra apartment that is his choice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by winnie1202
Akrasia
That is exactly how i feel. I am working too hard to hold it together while he is in rehab only to have him fall off the wagon and it is all gone. I am so done and I can't keep dragging myself, kids, my family and his through this crap again. I am fortunate that his family understands and has been supportive and would understand perfectly if we split. And I do have a plan in place when he comes home. IF he does relapse there are no more chances. The divorce lawyer is on speed dial. The only difference from your suggestion is I will tell him this as he finishes up his 28 days. That there are no more chances. That it is time to be an adult. It is time to take responsibility for all of his actions. And if he wants to drink and live a sad life, alone, unemployed (his job will only take him back if he completes the 28 days and stays on program) like a bum in his sister's extra apartment that is his choice.
That is exactly how i feel. I am working too hard to hold it together while he is in rehab only to have him fall off the wagon and it is all gone. I am so done and I can't keep dragging myself, kids, my family and his through this crap again. I am fortunate that his family understands and has been supportive and would understand perfectly if we split. And I do have a plan in place when he comes home. IF he does relapse there are no more chances. The divorce lawyer is on speed dial. The only difference from your suggestion is I will tell him this as he finishes up his 28 days. That there are no more chances. That it is time to be an adult. It is time to take responsibility for all of his actions. And if he wants to drink and live a sad life, alone, unemployed (his job will only take him back if he completes the 28 days and stays on program) like a bum in his sister's extra apartment that is his choice.
There is no excuse for any potential failure other than he truly doesn't want recovery.
I hope this is not the case, but it's good you are prepared if it is.
Sending you hugs of support!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
It might take him some time to be able to look outwardly. Thing is, his recovery *is* all about him. For him.
The good news is your recovery gets to be all about you. You will evolve into the person who is keeping your side of the street clean without harboring the resentments you feel today.
I remember feeling the way you do. I put it on a post just about a year ago. It's titled "My Resentments". Some of the replies hit me square in the eyes, but they were so very helpful to me.
If you are not gaining what you need from your current Al-anon group, there might be another one out there that is a better fit for you. It took me a few tries.
After all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, working, homework, practices, games, and all the things we single parents do, see if you can make a little time to peek into one of Melody Beattie's books. I recommend Codependent No More as a starting place.
I hope some of this becomes helpful to you.
Blessings!
The good news is your recovery gets to be all about you. You will evolve into the person who is keeping your side of the street clean without harboring the resentments you feel today.
I remember feeling the way you do. I put it on a post just about a year ago. It's titled "My Resentments". Some of the replies hit me square in the eyes, but they were so very helpful to me.
If you are not gaining what you need from your current Al-anon group, there might be another one out there that is a better fit for you. It took me a few tries.
After all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, working, homework, practices, games, and all the things we single parents do, see if you can make a little time to peek into one of Melody Beattie's books. I recommend Codependent No More as a starting place.
I hope some of this becomes helpful to you.
Blessings!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
