ADaisyifyoudo

So, yesterday was 90 days for me. In many ways the past 3 months have been a huge success for me - I have stayed sober through some big events and milestones - my 45th birthday, family vacation, Irene, and lots of day to day things that would have been big opportunities to tie one on in the past.

At the same time, I still struggle with depression and moodiness, and although I am chasing that "pink cloud" it hasn't settled over me yet. And, although I recognize that I cannot have alcohol in my life, and don't want it back, I haven't found a comfortable "new" place to settle into yet.

So, I thought in honor of 90 days sober, I might go check out an AA meeting and see if I got any value out of it. So, I look up local meetings, find one that fits my schedule and that I can get to, and off I go. Everyone welcomed me but then as they kicked off the meeting it became clear that it was an Al-Anon meeting and not an AA meeting (even though it was listed as AA in the online guide for my county). Folks were very nice, gave me some literature and encouraged me to keep coming, but I didn't share anything (since I AM the alcoholic) and wound up feeling like it was a big test the universe was throwing me to see if I really truly wanted to get to a meeting.

Today, I have a meeting at noon and so can't go to one, and evening meetings are nearly impossible as they land right smack in the middle of when I need to feed my daughter and put her to bed. So, perhaps I'll try again tomorrow? Not really sure that I can manage the steps anyway, but I was trying to go with an open mind, take what worked for me and leave what didn't, etc.

Anyway, it was super weird. And for reasons I can't explain I do NOT want to tell my husband about it. Anyone care to help me figure out why THAT might be?

Thanks. Hope all my fellow East coasters are safe and dry in the Irene aftermath. We have no power (they have said a WEEK or more before it's back) but the house is fine and we have plenty of water. . .

sugarbear1

Call your local aa and find an aa meetng.

I felt like "the enemy" at my first al anon meeting, but I am one of them and a member of aa.

AA helps me keep the focus on me. At 90 days without a program, I was a dry drunk with no new skills. Of course I was still so self conscious and self centered.

Keep coming back! It all gets so much better!
Congratulations on 90 days!!!

LoftyIdeals

ADIYD...Congrats on 90 days! No small feat! There is a lot of great literature in and out of AA on what to expect as your sobriety progresses. After rejecting AA, I have found it significantly helpful this time around, and believe it is expediting my recovery, which is the goal.

I get not wanting to include your spouse; after all, this is a personal journey, and, at least with my wife, if I include her in my decisions, I may get comments from the peanut gallery that might adversely influence me at a time when many decisions are tenuous at best.

What you might be experiencing is something called PAWS, which I believe is post-alcohol withdrawal syndrome. My experience with alcoholism is that some improvements come rapidly, some take a while, and require effort and work. It's probably different for many. AA and the big book have helped me realize that my walk in sobriety can't be measured against others; its personal. But, it has also helped me identify with parts of other peoples stories, as has attending meetings. I actually just got my first sponsor in AA this week. This may not sound unusual, but I first started attending AA 28 yrs ago.

Keep posting! Hearing others stories, and helping others is a big part of all of our recovery!

Anna

I think you may not want to tell your husband about it, because the recovery process, at least parts of it, are so highly personal.

I'm glad you're doing well. The 'pink cloud' never existed in my recovery, but I have found a place of peace in my life. I think you should do what feels right for you, and I hope that you keep coming here to SR for support too.

Mark75

There are lots of possible reasons why you don't want to discuss this with your husband... Most of them are probably pretty good ones. As Anna said, this recovery thing is a very personal journey, one he can't take with you.

Good luck at getting to a meeting.

Zebra1275

Try another AA meeting, in fact try several different meetings before you make up your mind on AA. I go to a few AA meetings every week, I usually just tell my wife "I'm going to a meeting" and leave it at that. She doesn't ask me much about them and I don't share much.

Dee74

Hi Adaisy

I just wanted to mention the pick cloud was not part of my experience either, but I have experience a lasting peace the longer and the more I've worked on my recovery.

Kudos for you for trying out something new - I think that willingness and open mindedness is crucial to success

let us know what you think of the AA meeting when you get there

D

ADaisyifyoudo

Well, one thing that did occur to me while I was running today: if I can keep up my sobriety, it will mean that I will spare my daughter from sitting in those meetings because of me. Not that I won't mess her up in a dozen other ways :-)

hector

It's possible that you attended an open Al-Anon meeting which was listed as both an open AA meeting and an open Al-Anon meeting. There are closed AA meetings which are only for people who have a problem with alcohol, and open AA meetings that anyone can attend. Try attending a closed AA meeting, you might like it more.

CaiHong

A Daisyifyoudo,

I am just over 90 days myself and can emphasize with your feelings. I was having dinner with my familon Saturday night, ( I haven't told them I am a member of AA although they have begun to notice I am not drinking.) my daughter in law, starting to say how wonderful and strong I was to be able to stop smoking and drinking (I quit smoking nearly 2 years ago) for some reason this made me mad. I felt, this is mine (sobriety) and no one gets to play with it unless I let them. Things had begun to annoy me before I even got to the restaurant. Normally I would drink at these gatherings. Seriously I really don't like these dinners. perhaps furthur down the road.

Anyway I don't want to be a dry drunk and am working on my steps although I am procrastrinating at step 4. I said I would do it a week ago.
Whatever program you follow, get yourself a program. I feel strongly that I am getting better and that my mood swings are lessening, I can judge that by my reaction when things stuff up and how I handle it.

I love it, that here different programs are discussed.


I am listening to tips on how to keep sober on recovery broadcast as I potter around and get my breakfast and read the posts.

Congrats on the 90 days.
Respect
CaiHong

eJoshua

Congratulations on 90 days!

Maybe you don't need to work the steps but could just go to meetings for the fellowship. I know some hardcore 12 steppers may look down their noses at you, but you'd probably be just fine.

I hope you can find a meeting that fits in with your schedule. Nothing beats face to face support, IMO (even though SR is great too )

sugarbear1

Moral inventories are about patterns of behavior and quite revealing. Nothing to fear if the first three are done and you're working with someone who is actively working on their own daily growth. It's a lifelong process!